How to find a new lawyer

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've been trying to divorce my very challenging ex for over two years - we're both women and we have a son. It's been a one step forward, two steps backward sort of process. Her lawyer is as unreasonable and verbally abusive as my ex is - we had a meeting a couple of weeks ago with my ex and our lawyers, and it ended with her lawyer standing up and wagging her finger at my lawyer and ending the meeting after 15 minutes.

My lawyer seems to mostly understand the situation and my position, but doesn't seem assertive enough to stand up to my ex's lawyer and seems to be grasping at straws at times versus having a clear idea about how to proceed.

Any advice on how to find a lawyer with expertise working with BPD and the drama involved?

Thanks!

[parent66]

I've been trying to divorce my very challenging ex for over two years - we're both women and we have a son. It's been a one step forward, two steps backward sort of process. Her lawyer is as unreasonable and verbally abusive as my ex is - we had a meeting a couple of weeks ago with my ex and our lawyers, and it ended with her lawyer standing up and wagging her finger at my lawyer and ending the meeting after 15 minutes.

My lawyer seems to mostly understand the situation and my position, but doesn't seem assertive enough to stand up to my ex's lawyer and seems to be grasping at straws at times versus having a clear idea about how to proceed.

Any advice on how to find a lawyer with expertise working with BPD and the drama involved?

Thanks!

[flourdust]

Read Splitting, by Eddy (an attorney who specializes in high-conflict disputes) & Kreger (a BPD expert). They address your exact question. They also talk about how to interview attorneys to see if they can handle high-conflict divorce.

[livednlearned]

I'm sorry you're going through this

You're right, it's important to have a good lawyer.

What are your goals? Has your lawyer proposed a strategy with tactics?

Maybe we can help you get these items squared in your own mind so you can come up with an approach, whether it's with your current L or someone new.

A good L will discuss your goals (e.g 50/50 custody) outline a strategy (e.g. we'll start with mandatory settlement talks, get a temp order if possible, bide time and document with third-party professionals, then modify custody, etc.) and then explain tactics (e.g. deposition, custody evaluation, psychiatric evaluation).

In general, our cases do not get settled out of court. If they do (which seems to be rare), we often end up in court at some point, if only to enforce different parts of the agreement. A lawyer who understands difficult, high conflict divorces will anticipate that.

Also, there seem to be code words for lawyers who understand personality disorders, like "high-conflict divorce" and "parental alienation." You might find Ls using those keywords, although it's always good to be cautious when interviewing them and make sure they don't have a PD themselves  

Here's an article by lawyer for lawyers about dealing with PD cases (based on Bill Eddy's work).

What's going on with your ex's behavior? How many kids?

[ForeverDad]

Bill Eddy has stated that some 85% to 90% of cases do not involve acting-out people with PDs.  Sounds like your lawyer isn't prepared or able to handle the 10% to 15% high conflict cases.  Not to be dismissive but perhaps your lawyer is one who is the sort to file forms and hold hands?  You need a proactive lawyer, one with experience and practical strategies, able to hold his/her own composure with opposing counsel, in court appearances and trials.

A question to ask prospective lawyers, beyond asking what strategies they would suggest, is this:  "If you were in my position, facing divorce and a child's custody disputed, who would you choose to be your lawyer?"  If you hear some names repeated, move them to the top of your potential lawyer list.  It's okay to pose a hard question like that, lawyers ought to be mature enough to realize they won't get every person who walks in the door as a client.

[parent66]

Thank you for all of the great suggestions! I've looked through Splitting, but seems I should purchase it and read it cover to cover.

I talked with my brother (a lawyer) yesterday and we decided to stick with this lawyer for now and see if she if she can become a bit more assertive, since it will take so much to bring a new lawyer up to speed. I'll provide the resources suggested here. She has at least some experience with these cases - brings up concerns about parental alienation, but might not have the personality to stand up to my ex and her obnoxious lawyer.

To answer livednlearned's questions, my ex and I have one child who is hyper-attached to my ex (my ex couldn't tolerate anything less, so I've always had to fight to parent). I've opted for very uneven custody (every other weekend and one night during the week, and about half of holidays), but I continue to have to fight for every crumb (my ex challenges every holiday that is "mine". I'd like 50% decision making. In addition, my ex badmouths me to our son, criticizes my parenting decisions (and ignores the concerns I express about decisions she makes), is spending crazy amounts of money on our son (they have seen Hamilton five times, go out of town at least once a month, live in a huge and expensive place, etc. ) while claiming I need to pay her more money a month (which is already more than I can afford - I'm living in tiny cheap apartment, working tons, and needless to say no vacations), and generally does whatever she can to (try to) sabotage my time with our son.

We have been dealing with this through meetings with my ex and her lawyer and a long series of pre-trial hearings and status hearings. My lawyer will provide a strategy but then change course - she's said we've needed a custody evaluation, but then backed off multiple times (unclear if it would be helpful, since I'm okay with the custody arrangement, if my ex would allow us to follow it). A guardian ad litem was appointed and he recommended everything I've asked for in his Allocation Judgment. We've had two court dates and a meeting since this was completed, and still haven't moved forward on implementing it (at the first court appearance my ex and her lawyer claimed to have just gotten the report and not reviewed it yet, then another issue was addressed instead at the next court date, and we have a court date this week which I'm not feeling any more optimistic about). It seems we're going to need to go to trial.

That was a lot of ranting! I really appreciate this forum and everyone's thoughts. I just joined this group and need to invest some time reading previous posts.

[livednlearned]

One thing that's helpful about these forums is that you can gather collective wisdom and begin to direct your L more based on what others here have experienced -- a lot of it is (sadly) very standard. For example, going forward you might tell your L that she can not agree to scheduling extensions without consulting you. In normal lawyer land, it's collegial to accommodate other schedules but your ex is gaining ground and her L will use normal procedural maneuvers to stonewall.

When you say that your ex challenges every holiday that is yours, how does she go about doing that?

What are some things you would like to see from your lawyer, to convince you she is being assertive?

LnL

[parent66]

We had a meeting with our lawyers and the guardian ad litem to decide holidays, but it was never put in a court order - so my ex says she won't agree to the holidays as they come up.

I had a good talk with my lawyer, and we have a status hearing tomorrow. Looks like we're going to need to move toward having a trial and likely a custody evaluation - which both sound very challenging. My lawyer has been letting my ex's lawyer drive the negotiations - and then we end up on the defensive all the time. Hopefully things will be moving forward now.

[ForeverDad]

The problem with 50% decision making is that anything not favored by your ex will be opposed and obstructed.  The end result would be repeated returns to court, creating months-long delays.

You are of a mind to seek at least 50%, sounds appropriate since right now your parenting is subject to your ex's overwhelming sense of entitlement.  But equal status alone is not enough to avoid returns to court.  Sadly, going from where you are to equal status will be hard enough, getting more at this time may be even more difficult.  I would still encourage you to make clear in all the court records that your parenting would be more stable and inclusive than hers.  For example, my custody evaluator's initial report to the court stated "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can... .Mother should immediately lose her temporary custody... .If Shared Parenting is attempted and fails then Father should have custody... ."  Well, as it turned out nothing changed, we just moved on to the next divorce stage.  And though we did come out equal from the divorce, better than my alternate weekends in the temp order, I had to return twice more over the next 5+ years, before I got full custody and majority time.

Courts seem to hate putting incidents and proposed solutions "on the record".  So a goal you can have is to get something like this stated on the record, perhaps when you're giving testimony.  These are from my prior posts, they may not fit your circumstances exactly, but you'll get the gist... .tell the court you're a stable parent, always have your children's interests as the priority and won't obstruct your ex, something she won't or can't reciprocate.  Be the parent with prepared solutions, not just complaints.

"Your Honor, you may be frustrated with us that we keep returning to court.  I am too, I'd rather be spending my time and my financial resources on my son.  I'm sorry for our return but it's because my son's mother doesn't see me as having any authority as father and that she's entitled to do whatever she wishes to advantage her parenting and sabotage my parenting.  I have new examples of her actions to present to the court today.  Sadly, this will continue if the order isn't improved significantly.  I ask that we try one more time to tweak our joint custody.  First, I will have Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  My decisions would be reasonable and practical and court wouldn't see us as often.  Second, I will become Residential Parent.  Third, I will have at least 50% parenting.  I'm sure the results over the next decade will demonstrate that I can share whereas she can't or won't."

"Your Honor, I believe that our family circumstances require me to become the custodial parent, Residential Parent for school Purposes and Primary Parent with majority parenting schedule.  Failing having custody, I believe that having Decision Making or Tie Breaker status with equal time would at least improve the current state of parenting and our children's welfare.  Mother has demonstrated that she is unwilling to cooperate and share, something I can do as a reasonable involved parent.  I am concerned that half-measures will be insufficient, as demonstrated thus far, and the time spent on minor changes will continue enabling the other parent to further sabotage the relationship of the children with their Father... ."

[parent66]

Thank you, ForeverDad. This is helpful.