Never-ending

[feather72]

Hello everyone,

I don't even know where to start. I was diagnosed with BPD about 3.5 years ago. I can see how it affected my whole life. I'm 45, female, and living abroad away from family. I had an emotionally and physically abusive childhood and have been in therapy on and off since I was 15. I was also diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and ADHD. My son is 10 and I thought I was doing everything right. I really did everything to protect him from seeing or feeling my instability. I've always worked hard on myself and raising a happy child was my top priority. I divorced his father 3 years ago. He was also emotionally abusive towards me and diagnosed with several personality disorders. (Narcissistic, Schizoid, Avoidant, Sadistic/Aggressive and depression.) My ex was also abusive towards my son and simply scary. So damage has definitely been done. Since the divorce, my son is full of rage, and has violent temper tantrums. He was hitting and swearing at me for a good 6 months. That got a bit better but now at 10, he is out right disrespectful, aggressive, full of rage and still hasviolent temper tantrums. He's been diagnosed with ADHD, depression and anxiety. He started meds in January and it did help a bit. He's been in and out of therapy for about 3 years but it hasn't helped. We really haven't found a good therapist as I live in a country where I don't speak the language fluently and it's hard to find good therapists here that do. I see BPD features in him. Very extreme black and white thinking, separation anxiety, rage, and in general severe emotional instability. One moment he's sky high and the next he has 0 motivation and is talking about wanting to die.

I have full custody of my son and run my own small business here, but recently am feeling very burnt out. His father sees him regularly but is in total denial about any problems. My son hit me in a rage last week and was completely out of control. This was a real wakeup call for me. I'm afraid if he doesn't get the help that he needs, he'll end up a delinquent. I'll meet a new therapist on Monday but last night my son told me he didn't want to come home, despite the fact that the nanny of 7 years confided in me that his father is still full of rage and comes home from work yelling and screaming about everything. I was starting to think that maybe joint custody would be better because I don't feel I can manage any longer but once I heard how toxic the environment there was, I realized that would only harm him more. Last night I was feeling like I couldn't go on anymore and was thinking of suicide. I'm afraid of doing something impulsive when I get to this stage, which I've been at for for 20+ years during times of intense stress. So I thought I'd reach out. I have a therapist but only see her once a week and feel I need more help in between sessions. I don't think my friends understand the severity and complexity of it so I feel so alone in this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heartandwhole]

Hi feather72,

Welcome to the community. I'm very sorry to hear of your struggles. The stress of doing so much on your own and the worries about your son are very difficult to go through.    I'm glad you reached out for support. It's so important to do when things get tough.

When you are feeling suicidal, can you reach out to your therapist? If not, is there an expat community where you live that runs a suicide hotline (I know of some countries that offer that)? It can really help to speak to a live person when you feel so down. I don't know if you are practicing DBT skills, but they can really help as well.

Your son's physical violence toward you at his age would worry me, too. What situations tend to trigger his anger and acting out?  I'm glad you are going to see a new therapist for him on Monday. If he/she is versed in personality disorders/traits, all the better. Let us know how that meeting goes.

When things get bad like this, feather, what helps, in terms of self-care? For me, yoga, walking in nature, swimming help. Do you have downtime when you can nurture yourself?

Keep posting. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[feather72]

Thank you heartandwhole. I'm ok now. When this happens I'm in such a state of mind that I have no desire to reach out to anyone. I can't tap into any part of me with any sense nd I just don't want help at the time. It's just very intense overwhelming feelings in the moment but they passed. I haven't felt this bad in a couple of years so this morning I felt more like reaching out. I did talk to my sister and my son's nanny today so that helped a bit. My son will come back tomorrow evening so I'm hoping to lay down some boundaries and get things under control.

I worked today so that kept me busy and I played my piano a bit. Otherwise it was quite hard to get motivated to do anything. I have to really push myself lately.

Thanks again for your message. I appreciate it.

[incadove]

Hi Never-ending

Very glad you are here!  Your situation sounds incredibly difficult and draining, great to hear you are feeling better.

Just for future, I wonder if it would help to have handy a reliable crisis line for when you feel down and don't feel up to researching it?  I think the Good Samaritan ones are the best, I understand they are happy to talk to anyone in crisis or who just wants a friendly voice, not only people who are suicidal.

Agree with heartandwhole that DBT skills are very helpful, just focusing on a skill can distract from an otherwise really upsetting/unacceptable situation, I think.

Good luck! 

[feather72]

Hi incadove,

Thanks for your support and message. I feel much better. I know DBT very well and have used this for many years. What I find is when I'm in a healthier mode, I do take care of myself. For instance this week I went on a nice long bike ride along the river, played my piano, met with 3 different friends and read. All these things made me feel really good. But that night, when my son said to me he didn't want to come home, I slipped into my worst, which happens when I have extreme stress. So I feel that despite me doing self-care, those words just made me crash instantly and I was in another mode and felt like I had no access whatsoever to getting out of it. When I'm like that I do not want help. I want to die so reaching out would prevent me from doing that. So I don't. So far I always snap out of it and have never made an attempt but in the moment, to me it seems so serious and I seem so out of control I feel like there is a very strong possibility that I would. I know I have to work on this with my therapist and will tell her when I see her this week. It's just so frustrating because I was doing so well and this just felt like it came out of the blue.

On another more positive note, as this is a forum about children with BPD, I just spoke to my son's father and we went over all the things that needs improving. We came to an agreement on how to try and tackle these things. My son will come home today. It's been 6 day's since I've seen him, the longest he has ever stayed alone with his father in his life. I went through all my books on raising children with intense emotions and ADHD and made notes and feel more prepared to deal with this now. I think I was just overwhelmed from my son not being in school for the whole summer, having to work and deal with his severe mood swings and rages. He starts school Monday so I think the routine again will help. Thank you again.

[wendydarling]

Hi there feather72  

I too am glad you reached out to us and you are feeling better, my 29yr old diagnosed 3 years ago reaches out to a supportive caring community who understand on twitter and I reach out here The other day she told me she has mastered DBT skills, has her crisis plan to the fore and then occasionally she is triggered and it's like a slap to the back of the head  , time out to re-group, reflect and get on!

What agreement did you reach with your son's father, what's the plan feather?

WDx

[feather72]

Hi wendydarling,

Thanks for your message. It really is like a slap in the back when this happens!

We agreed that he will be more involved in his behaviour. Right now my ex is in his own world. He likes to keep things simple for his sake so I do al the dirty work. I do have full custody but he has him twice a week. My son seems to treat me, the babysitters and his grandfather with so much disrespect. He will shout at us and swear and simply not obey the rules. But at his father's he is very well behaved. We all know it's because he is terrified of his father's narcissistic rage. This is a whole other issue because he is exposed to this rage regularly which is damaging. And then he comes home and takes it out on me.

His father agreed that I can update him on his behaviour regularly and that he will be involved with this. I think it may help.

I also talked to his father about getting help with his rage issues and again explained how damaging this is for our son. But this has been a topic for 10 years... .and he has not made an effort to improve and simply will not, which is sad. I've explained the effects to him as have many therapists. But he thinks he's perfect and that he doesn't have any problems.

When I was at my wits end with dealing with my son's behaviour this past week, I was seriously thinking of joint custody, but the nanny just informed me that my ex is still having regular outbursts that are scary. I then realized this would be more damaging to my son. I needed this week as a break and to regroup. I read up on all my books regarding emotional regulation for kids and am ready to try and support my son and help him deal with all of this. I just need to be more aware of when I need a break and then I'll simply have my ex take him a bit more often, but only when need be.

I'm feeling a bit more optimistic now. Thanks again.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi feather,

I'd like to join everyone else in welcoming you to the site.  It's great that you found us.  I'm glad you're feeling better, but so sorry to hear about what you're going through with your son.  That's really tough.  

Something I'm really impressed with is your self awareness and pro activity, both with your own self management and your son's behaviour.  I see that you read a lot and I'm currently reading a book you may find helpful.  It's called The Power Of Validation, by Karyn Hall and Melissa Cook.

Some background for you is that I met the diagnostic criteria for BPD when I was younger but no longer do now and my 3 year old son's father has narcissistic traits.  I saw this book recommended here and instantly purchased it as I feel it will help my son to go his own way and reduce any impact from his father's behaviours by helping him to be more emotionally resilient.  I bought a copy for his dad as well.  

Regards your crises, I can understand not wanting to reach out for help when things feel overwhelming.  As an individual I'm more comfortable talking about my difficulties after the effect.  Can you identify what thoughts/feelings help you to snap out of it and think of a way to pull this moment forwards?  Perhaps something visible/sensory?  Just a thought.  Maybe this is something for examination with your therapist.  :)o you have a crisis management plan in place?  This is something to ask about when you see them.  

Also, would you consider texting to talk when you're feeling very low, rather than engaging with a person over the phone?  There is a crisis text helpline which gets good reviews.  You simply text Hello to 741741.  Perhaps put it into your phone and see if you feel alright with it if another situation like this arises for you.  At least you'll have the option should you choose to try it out.  It's a bit less personal than talking over the phone and might be more appealing.

I hope that your action plan with your son's father begins to bear fruits for you and wish you all the best with seeing some improvements when the school routine is back in place.  

Love and light x    

[incadove]

Hi feather

I just want to say how much I appreciate you sharing what you're going through and your responses to it, and how impressed i feel about your clarity, self-awareness and determination.  It doesn't sound like you need advice or questions now but I just think that your perspective is very valuable and I wish you the best as you move forward with your son.  Please do post when the ups and downs come as they will, I think being here for each other in this journey is a big factor in cushioning them!

Best 

[feather72]

Thank you Harley and incadove. I'm so grateful for all this support! I had no idea so many people would respond. I have to say this has lifted me quite a bit.

The Power of Validation looks like a wonderful book, thanks for the suggestion. I plan to get with my next Amazon purchase. I have read a lot. My entire closet is all full of books on trauma, parenting, inner child work, etc... .And I've had a lot of intensive therapy with a few amazing therapists in the past 5 years. Schema Therapy has helped me a lot.

I looked into the text to talk but I'm not in an English speaking country and we don't have that here. I did look into the Good Samaritans though and have that on me now. I'm trying to think what thoughts/feelings helped bring me back but I can't pinpoint any. I really think it was just time. The intensity slowly disappeared to a level where I could think straight. So for me I think it's trying to catch myself before I reach that high intensity where I can't think straight, which I haven't been able to do yet.

Well I'm going to pick up my son in about an hour so I'm hoping it goes well. He still didn't sound thrilled about coming home. Apparently I annoy him because I want him to follow rules and ask him to do things that he doesn't want. (like brush his teeth, shower, tidy his room, homework.) For some reason at his father's he does all of that without a peep or without even being asked.

Thanks again everyone!

[wendydarling]

Hi feather

His father agreed that I can update him on his behaviour regularly and that he will be involved with this. I think it may help.
I also talked to his father about getting help with his rage issues and again explained how damaging this is for our son. But this has been a topic for 10 years... .and he has not made an effort to improve and simply will not, which is sad. I've explained the effects to him as have many therapists. But he thinks he's perfect and that he doesn't have any problems.

While your ex can't help himself as you say, reaching out to him as you have to help his son and you seems to me a brilliant indirect way you've taken for him to engage, where the focus is not on your ex, though it is, also. Small gentle steps    

We are here, walking with you, forwards.

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[feather72]

Hi everyone. I picked up my son yesterday and was a bit nervous on how things would be, since he said he didn't want to come home. When I arrived at his father's though he was happy to see me and took me all around the neighborhood to introduce me to all the neighbors dogs and cats. Very cute. He was my sweet and lovable little boy last night. I cherish those moments. He did try pushing the boundaries when I told him no TV and that it was time for a shower but I remained firm and calm.

I see that is where my weakness lies and need to stay on top of that. I get tired of trying to be consistent because being consistent with him is very draining and time consuming. So I do give in at times just to keep the peace but then I get fed up. I'm trying to keep this awareness so that I can remain consistent and not let things get out of control again. The day he hit me last week I lost it and grabbed him and used a sort of self defense move to pin him on the ground. I took him down quite easily and in a controlled way but then it was quite an out of control situation. He was kicking and punching at me so I wanted him to see that I'm still stronger than him and was just simply shocked that he would ever come at me like that. I kept yelling "who the hell do you think you are? Nobody is going to treat me like that!" I had him pinned down and he was screaming at me out of control and crying. I squeezed him quite hard and aggressively a few times and I may have hit him, I don't remember. It was just a bad out of control situation. I was beaten by my parents quite often for minor things. They used the belt, hangers, wooden spoons, slapping, etc... .so I swore I'd never do that to my child. I have to admit that I have hit him a few times bit this last time I felt like I turned into my parents and it scared me because I felt so out of control. Now I need to just stay on top of all of this and not let myself get to that point where I respond like that.

Last night my son talked a good hour about how his dad really isn't a good person and how he screams out of control about stupid things. His dad is a perfectionist so if my son messes anything up he loses it. It's such a toxic environment. I'm glad though that he was able to talk to me about his feelings and thoughts so I'm trying to help him with all that and learn not to come home and take it out aggressively with me. He's in a tough position. He loves his dad but then his dad is so emotionally abusive and his rage is just terrifying. It was to me when we were married, so I can't imagine what it feels like as a child. I hope the new therapist for him tomorrow works out. Thanks everyone. Have a beautiful day.

[wendydarling]

Hi there feather

I can understand it was scary for you it's hard when he is already lashing out to you. How did it go with the new therapist on Monday? It takes time as we know to build the relationship, did it seem like a good fit to you? I hope you've had a better week with school in play.

WDx

[feather72]

Thanks for checking in. I met her on Monday and he met her with me on Thursday. I liked her but he was very closed and just pissed that he had to go. He told me that it's a waste of stupid money. We shall see. This past week was really good though. I think being back in school helps a ton. He really likes one male teacher so he's been motivated to do well.  He tries to push boundaries but I've remained firm and consistent so I managed and for the most part he was quite sweet. What a relief. I really like the book I'm reading. Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions. By Pat Harvey. It goes over DBT skills that you can apply to help calm their emotions and outbursts. I find it very helpful.

I've been in a much better stable mood too this week so that's another relief. :-)

I hope you are well. Thanks a mil for checking in. Will keep you posted.