Ultimatums - do they work?

[romanova]

I am getting sick and tired of this push and pull. Last year we reconciled because my BPDh promised to get help. He did start therapy too. He would share what he and his therapist talked about and it would drop my jaw - the same things that I've been trying to explain for years, it took the therapist just a couple of sessions. Maybe it is the messenger.

He has stopped now. It's been almost 3 months since his last session and he never signed up for group DBT as he promised. Since Jan 2017 he left and came back four times already.
 
Let me dial back a bit. When we reconciled, I did not put my ring back on and did not "update" my separated status my work friends, CRA and what not. I told him that it is like being on probation, let's work on his recovery first. I said that when he completes at least one year of therapy and DBT, I will put my ring back on. Being obsessed about other people even looking at me, he agreed (He himself fools around though, whole another story). That's how he started therapy.

Things are back to same old-same old again. He is not doing therapy. After picking on my clothes and unbelievable accusations, he disappears whole evenings. Lies, back to smoking pot and drinking. Same old-same old. I am so sick and tired.

I am thinking of throwing in the towel, but maybe one more try? I want to tell him that if he doesn't seriously commit to his recovery, I am out, and I want to give him a deadline.

Have you ever used ultimatums? Have they worked? What was the ultimatum and how did you word it? How did you say it?
Please share your stories here.

[formflier]

Personally... I've rarely found them to work.

To understand "work" you have to define your goal.  If you want your pwBPD in therapy... .it is unlikely to "work" to give ultimatum.

If your goal is to communicate clearly and move on with your life, then... perhaps... .an "ultimatum" is the way to go.

I would advise working through how it is presented... .here... .first.

Much better to give a clear choice, communicate your choice... .and respect your partners choice.

Something like that may "work".

A "do this or you are gone" type of thing... .has a very low likelihood of "working".

Can you "imagine" the conversation and how you would present the ultimatum?

Can you write that out for us?

Perhaps we can guide better after that.

FF

[romanova]

I am thinking and plotting, so to say, but I would be very clear about what I want.

I would choose a time when he is calm. Then I would bring up the topic of therapy again. I know he's going to roll his eyes. Then I would say something like this:

"I am bringing this up again because the communication between us was so good when you were attending therapy. I would love for us to be good again like that, I miss that. I understand it is a hard thing to do, it takes a lot of time and commitment, but I am here for you. If we cannot work on this, I am getting too stressed and anxious, I cannot go on like this. So, there are two choices - starting therapy/DBT and work on this marriage, or, if that's something you cannot do, I'd like to have separate homes".

What do you think?

[Lucky Jim]

It's been almost 3 months since his last session and he never signed up for group DBT as he promised. Since Jan 2017 he left and came back four times already.

Hey romanova, It sounds like you have been on a roller coaster since January.  What makes you think that things will go differently if he returns to therapy?  One aspect of BPD is that it tends to be cyclic.

Like FF, I'm skeptical of ultimatums as a basis for modifying the behavior of a pwBPD.  In my view, a better alternative is to decide on the path that is best for you, based on everything you've been through so far.  That way, the decision is in your hands, not his.  You're the one who calls the shots for your life, right?

LuckyJim

[formflier]

  You're the one who calls the shots for your life, right?

 

Focus your thoughts and energy on LJ's observation/question.

Critical you get this one right... .or else any communication (ultimatum or not) will likely not be "aimed" correctly.


That being said... .I thought your initial idea of communications was pretty good.  Frankly, much better than I assumed you would present.

Try it again... .be more interested in his thoughts on therapy... .where he is at... listen.

Then... .perhaps... .let him know you are thinking about your future and you want him to have opportunity to "give input" to that future.  (stay very... .very general here... .especially opening conversation)

Give it another shot... .

FF

[romanova]

Focus your thoughts and energy on LJ's observation/question.

Try it again... .be more interested in his thoughts on therapy... .where he is at... listen.

That is the hardest part, FF. I am so hesitant to ask about what he thinks and where he is at. I tried, he scoffs it off or blows up and the whole cycle starts all over.

I've tried to communicate and remind him how happy he was when he was learning coping methods. Didn't help.

Once it came out during one of the fights too. I nagged too, I cried, I was firm, I was caring - I've tried everything.

One day I just threw my arms in the air and said "Honey, I just can't do this. I am no specialist, I don't know how to communicate with you anymore or to help you with communicating your thoughts to me. I just don't know how to anymore". He then blamed me for giving up and not pushing him enough to do what is best for this marriage. To him it showed that I don't care enough to keep going and keep pushing him too. If I don't give a sh**, why should he?

Damned if I do, damned if I don't, sigh...

I will keep thinking because that is the only hope I have left. Living with a untreated pwBPD is a suicide, a slow death. I'm still there because of the kids, otherwise things would be so much easier and simpler.

[formflier]

That is the hardest part, FF. I am so hesitant to ask about what he thinks and where he is at. I tried, he scoffs it off or blows up and the whole cycle starts all over.

I've tried to communicate and remind him how happy he was when he was learning coping methods. Didn't help.
 

Two things

1.  Do some he said she said of how you asked... last time.

Why not just ask... ."Hey babe... .how do you see our relationship?" 

Realizing... .he may choose not to answer... .or he may... .

a r/s with a pwBPD can lead people to "overthink"... .be wary of that.

2.   Look at the bold part.  Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggg no no. 

Don't try to "remind" or "adjust" peoples thinking.  Many times that can lead to invalidation.

So... .he "thinks" (or feels) he always hated the r/s.  You "remind him" otherwise.

Invalidation happens... .very bad.  Think gas on a fire.

Focus on the lesson below for a bit.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

FF