Insulting remarks

[Lalaland22]

Is there a correct way to let my MIL who has BPD ( I think, she would NEVER let anyone know if she was diagnosed) know that she is insulting me? The ones on purpose I can handle, it's the steady stream of smaller insults I can't stomach. When I say "can you please not say that, it hurts my feelings, I know you didn't mean to hurt my feelings, so if you just don't say it in the future that'd be great" she immediately blows up. Am I supposed to just continue to let her insult me to keep the peace?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Lalaland22 

Welcome to our online family!

It sounds like you have a tough situation you are dealing with. It seems as if being honest and to the point, even while spoken with gentleness, isn't working so well.  What do you think she may be trying to accomplish with her insults? Does she do this to others too or do you feel singled out?

Interacting with someone who has the characteristics and behaviors of a BPD is not at all easy. Have you been dealing with this for a long time? I'm going to include a couple of links for you that may offer some ideas.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction bursts

I think you may see that she is used to having people respond a certain way, and when you set a boundary, she reacts negatively to your attempts to set the boundary. What are your thoughts after reading these ideas? How does your DH respond to his mom?

 
Wools

[Pilpel]

Lalanda,

I have had a similar issue with my BPD sil. She can be very condescending and hostile sometimes.  I also struggle with how to respond to her.  It's even more difficult because a lot of the time I don't feel like we're sharing a reality and she does invalidating things. If I flat out tell her she has done or said something that is hurtful and rude, she's disassociates and projects.   

Have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells?  In the book, it talks about repeating back what the BPD is saying.  Personally, I find it hard to get into the practice of doing this, especially when she's being hostile.  And I've had mixed results.  It's worked when we've formally agreed to meet.  But it's hard for me to do it when her temper is already high, and I'm trying to prevent things from escalating.

But anyways, maybe you can try that.  If she says something insulting, repeat it back to her.  "So you're telling me that I'm ______." 

Imagine how she might react if you followed that up by revealing your emotions: "It hurts when you say that."  Or "I find that insulting."  (knowing the BPD in my life, my guess is that might not be the most effective. They can't really imagine our feelings. And I usually think our feelings just irritate them.) 

Imagine following it up with: "I would never say that to you because I know it would hurt you're feelings."
Or "How do you think you would feel if someone said that to you?" 

[Lalaland22]

Wools-
I can't be my DH, I have not been trained by her for 40+ years. In addition, He is a less reactionary person than me, and he can view her words as separate from him and her. I try very hard to do this, to model him, to not be offended by her consistent put downs of my background, my beliefs, my goals, my choices, and so much more. I try not to believe anything she says at all, good or bad ( so many times I've heard "you're the best wife for my son", "you're the best mother to my granddaughter", compliments on my beauty, etc) I try not to care. Yet I am a nurturer, an empathizer, and a pleaser, and I have consistently tried to turn this part of me off concerning her- 20 years and it still hasn't happened. I didn't know for the first 10 what I was doing wrong, and each time we'd visit I would try a different response, try to view her words and actions from a different perspective, and Yet the end result was always pain. I researched and researched and finally found BPD. And felt so validated. And told his divorced dad who said she was diagnosed with bipolar when DH was a child! And NO ONE TOLD US! FIL said "I thought he'd figure it out after a while". *scream of disgust!* (BTW, I really think it's BPD as well as or instead of bipolar)
Ok. So your other questions. She does insult others very frequently. So while I don't feel completely singled out I do know she is jealous of me because "I took her son away from her" , " a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life, but you only have a son until he takes a wife", and she should have the life I'm living but she chose the wrong man. Yes, emotional incest in a big way. She does not like that he will speak up for me if she insults me outright. She feels it is disrespectful for a child to not take up for their parent ( which means my parents didn't raise me right because I dare to speak up for myself to her, my elder). She had a difficult upbringing as a PK, so I do understand where her views come from, and respect that she is doing her best, but I also feel that I should not have to be insulted to keep the peace. And you are correct, when I put down a boundary, she responds with an extinction burst. If I try to leave - because saying "I'm not going to discuss this anymore" only makes her say vile, vile things- all heck breaks loose with wailing and crying like she's going to die. This breaks my husband in two, and he asks me not to leave. It is also difficult because we live in separate states, so usually we are somewhat trapped- I'm at her house or she is at ours. This time I left anyway, and walked the dog for 2 hours until DH called and asked to come pick me up. When I returned she apologized and hugged me and I'm supposed to act like everything is ok- that she didn't just hold my family hostage with her emotional outburst.
It's actually getting better. 10 years ago we had a huge manipulative incident where her meds were really off and my husband FINALLY laid down HUGE boundaries which caused him and her to go to counseling together (no diagnosis ever mentioned, of course) and afyer that I heard through family whispers that she got a new therapist and new meds, which really did help. That was the time I discovered BPD, I wouldn't rest until I could name it, because the irrational behavior can just seem mean or manipulative or "that's just MILs" but I knew it had to be something more than that. I did read the eggshell book and have the workbook, too, and each time we saw her I was armed with what to say, how to act, what to do. This is so tiring. And people would say "just don't go see her", but my DH loves his mom and he is such a good man, truly a good, respectful, honoring man, and he asks me to go with him and be present while we're there ( I used to escape into a book and be emotionally unavailable while we would visit her) and so to respect my husband, and the 10% of the woman who is a decent human being, we go, and I try to respectfully engage with her while still being aware of my boundaries.
Things have been better for a while, we see each other less, partly because of DH boundaries, partly because her therapist told her it was not a great idea for her to stay with us for a week at a time ( I love her new therapist, and wish I could thank her, but of course we can't know she exists). MIL has even said some things that make me believe she is growing. Things like "sometimes I say things people find insensitive, I don't mean them to be insensitive, it's just what I think". It's not perfect, but for her that's HUGE growth! I know she has no filter from what she thinks to what she says. Yet I still feel like she should.
I'm not quite sure why this explosion happened. I don't expect to be able to change anything, as you mentioned other people react to her differently than I do ( hence I must hate her, per what she wailed at me yesterday). Each time this happens I come back to the same ideas. I can't change her. Best to keep my mouth shut. Best to stay as far away from her as possible. Then I have to visit her, and she insults me or my child, and I say please don't say that, and the hurricane happens again. I still can't figure out what I'm supposed to do. But it felt good to tell my story, so thank you for being a place I can do that.