I have been on and off this site as a reader for several years as I have traversed this most difficult journey with my BPDw. It has really been over the past two months that I really starting digging into all of the knowledge that is stored here and learning all I could get my hands on as I have struggled to understand.
My story. I met my BPDw five years ago in classes at church. We were introduced by a mutual friend and on that very first meeting spent a whole afternoon together talking and basically sharing our stories. I was so struck by how open, honest, vulnerable and accepting she was. After coming out of a very difficult divorce my self esteem and worth were very low and my fear of rejection was very high. But here was this beautiful woman who was deeply spiritual and was accepting me for who I was. I felt, for the first time, that I had found someone safe and with someone who shared the same spiritual beliefs.
It took me two months after that first meeting to actually contact her. I was still very raw from my divorce six years earlier and scared out of my mind. I reached out to her and we setup a coffee date. It turned out to be very nice and we connected in a deep way. She was interested in everything about me and hung on every word. She made me feel like I was just the greatest guy in the world. She would tell me that she had never met a better man in her life. I was her gift from God.
It didn't take her long to tell me she loved me. It was much too quick. Of course in my emotional state at that time I didn't listen to my gut over the red flags. And there were many. There were signs of jealousy. There was anger. There were arguments that never made sense. She would cuss me out and slam the door and squeal her tires leaving, only to come back thirty minutes later and want to help me understand how wrong I was. (yeah, ok) Of course I would always give in to her pleading that God wanted us together. (that one worked for a long time)
At some point early in our relationship I started seeing a T who practiced Biblical Counseling because I could see that I still was not emotionally healthy. I wanted help to heal from my wounds that I still carried. That led into eventually doing couples premarital counseling together. I was seeing a lot of behavior that was concerning to me so at some point I asked this T if with all these issues that we should not get married. His response, was there is no reason in the world not to get married. You just have to promise that no matter what you will not divorce. This same T, three months after we married told me that my BCPw would be diagnosed as BCP in the secular world. Yeah, that that would have been nice knowing earlier.
Things were bad from the very first day of the honeymoon when my BPDw had a meltdown because I suggested we go hang out by the pool and enjoy the sun. The whole honeymoon was up and down, push and pull. Just a real load of fun. I was committed though and I was determined to make this work.
That first year was a constant of chaos and crisis. I got to find out about rage. How easily my heirloom crystal passed down from my mother breaks. I didn't know that my work issued Lenova laptop could bounce on the floor like that and it only broke the dvd drive. It was really awesome to be woken up at 1am when she came home from work so she could scream at me and accuse me of cheating. Whole nights were spent trying to endure her raging fits. I learned that electrical cords swung at me leave welts. I also learned that not even recovering from cancer surgery will protect me from the rages and physical abuse. I learned that even when she was the one abusing me she had no problem calling the police and telling them bald faced lies. I also learned that while she was in a rage nothing was safe. Not even my car. She has rammed my truck with her car. She would do everything she could to keep my from leaving. I ended up taking lots of long walks because that is the only way I could get away.
I learned that I needed a safe room, in my own house, with two-by-fours specially cut so the doors could be barricaded. That was the only way to keep her out. Her rages could last for days. I would stay in my barricaded room until she calmed down (actually she went back into pull mood) so we could talk and make up. It got to where I was basically willing to do anything just to get the rages to stop.
Everytime we got into one of the really bad rages, she would start a campaign against me with our pastor or with one of my friends. We changed churches about five times in four years.
I knew this was bad but I felt like I was trapped and had no where to go. She isolated me from my family. From my kids. From my grandkids. We were living in my home which is still in my ex-wifes and my name that I am still trying to settle from that divorce. I couldn't afford to just go and get an apartment.
For the last two and a half years I have been with a new T and I had been working for the past several years on not throwing gasoline on the fire. How to validate. Not argue. To listen to her emotions and validate her. I had decided I was going to work very hard on me and to make me as healthy as possible and to try and change the dynamics so we could reduce the high conflict. It did change the frequency. But the eggshells were still there and I was becoming more and more a nervous wreck. Waking up at 3 am every morning wondering if this was going to be the day she explodes again.
Last May, my BCPw was told by her T that they felt she met the diagnostic criteria for BCP. She immediately quit therapy. I decided I would keep trying and hoping my progress would continue to change our dynamics.
I finally opened up to my T this summer about the physical abuse. So much shame about the abuse I had never told anyone.
In July my older bachelor brother, who is in his 60's had a partial foot amputation. He had nowhere to go so we invited to come to our home for a week to recover. I had to take my BPDw out everyday and keep her destressed so she would not melt down over my brother being there. One day we came home and one of my cousins was there visiting my brother. My BCPw went into complete screaming, raging meltdown over someone being at our house. Once they were all gone, I became her target and it was of course all my fault. A couple days later my son opened up his home to me and I moved out. I have been low contact with my BCPw ever since.
I never expected to have this kind of pain. I would have thought that escaping from that kind of abuse would leave me feeling much different. I find myself thinking about the good times we had. And we had many. I miss the incredible loving ways she could have. The paradox of someone who could be so loving could be so hurtful. I have trouble wrapping my mind around it. I find myself not wanting to believe it. I hate going through divorce. Even with all the pain she has caused me I feel so much compassion for her. She has had a hard life. I know she is hurting and that she potentially could make an attempt on her own life. I am finding that my attachment to her is much, much stronger then I ever anticipated.
So here I am trying to gather thoughts, my emotions and the strength for the journey ahead.
Blessings to you all-
Juan Pablo
