When it's you that needs support and they can't get past themselves

[ANewPlace30]

So my uBPD wife has successfully isolated me from my closest friends and family. (each time I met up or spoke or chatted there was always a problem with it, it became a big drama, never about seeing that person, always something else, something deniable) She doesn't like my family, doesn't like me going back 'home' on my own as she's paranoid I'll talk about her and whenever she comes there's an issue which follows to argument. I feel so distant from them now and such a ___ friend/brother/son for allowing this to happen for an easy life.

I moved jobs as she wasn't happy with the hours I had to work and she struggled with the fact that I worked with so many women - ordinarily I wouldn't have moved because of this but actually the new job was a great opportunity for me.

This week I lost my new job, made redundant.

My upwBPD was great for all of 3 days until she felt the attention wasn't on her anymore. Now she feels we're in "a bad place" in our relationship - and because she feels it, therefore we are. She feels I think she's a bad wife  - and because she feels it, I must think that right? She was at an appointment yesterday that I offered to go to. She insisted I didn't go. She called me a ":)*ck" for not going with her to her appointment. (I HATE these *tests* of hers)

No amount of validating was getting me out of this - she was after drama/argument last night that could feed her ego so it could be about her again.

I went upstairs - she followed after half-an hour with her usual bulldog style of attack. I left, trying to avoid taking her constant bait. Returned in the early hours and slept downstairs.

She didn't speak to me as she headed off to work.

In short: I'm unemployed, alone and struggling... .
 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hisaccount]

The exact same thing happened to me. I ended up abandoning everyone. When I had a tough day there was nobody there for me.
I feel your pain.

That would be a good boundary to set forth. She cannot be your support group so you need friends or family that will be and she needs to allow that, allow you to have time to recover and heal as needed.

If she is unwilling to do that, then what would you do?
Stay isolated, alone and hurting?

[Lucky Jim]

The exact same thing happened to me. I ended up abandoning everyone. When I had a tough day there was nobody there for me.

I did the same thing.  I allowed myself to get isolated from friends and family, which caused me to lose all perspective on how bad things were with my BPDxW.  Things started to change when I decided that I would get together with those people "come Hell or high water"!  My Ex tried to come up with bogus reasons why I couldn't see those closest to me, which I ignored or refuted.  In short, I made seeing friends and family a priority, and "damn the torpedoes"!  It worked.  My Ex was unhappy about it, but nothing was going to keep me apart from those I care about.  That's when I started to find my path again.

LuckyJim

[ozmatoz]

Hey Anewplace30, I hope the day is getting better for you.  A lot of us here feel alone and struggling, so many here have helped me feel better.  My uBPDw has continued to alienate me from my family and the only friends I have left are the ones of her choosing (they're great people, but not ones I can confide in).  I cannot imagine the pressure of being unemployed, but I do know that my wife has it in her playbook to get me fired if we divorce (or maybe just out of spite) so I can understand some of the fear that sit around the work issues.

We're rooting for you.

-Oz

[Red5]

@ANewPlace30,

Yes, a classic tactic... ."family alienation", but once you understand this, and see what is happening, you may get to a point to where you put your foot down, and say enough.

My own uBPD wife really hates my own mother, goes on and on about it (her), .but interestingly of late, she has started to "split" her own mother at the same time... .have you ever heard of the hermit-waif-witch-queen analogy?

My uBPD wife is one of three sisters, and when they are all together, at the same time, I can actually see the regression in maturity, when they are all in close proximity to their FOO, and their own mother, .very interesting to watch these dynamics take place right before your (my own) eyes... .its like they all go back in time to when they were teenagers, and living (surviving) in the same house again with their FOO / mother.

I once told my uBPD wife, ."well sweetie, if my mom ain't welcome here, then yours ain't either... .and I sounded "firm" in my repose... .yes, you will get to a pint (point ) one day to where you will start to push back at the behaviors, and you will start putting your foot down, .I have noted, that lately, when my uBPD wife knows that I am at a point of "impasse"... ie' I don't care if she is mad or not anymore, .then she actually does back off somewhat, .she either see's weakness, or she see's strength (black and white), and my standing in a firm composure she cannot deal with, and or (either) control.

Sometimes it is as if my wife (uBPD) reverts back to a petulant teenager, I can sometimes actually see her digression, in mere seconds... .and there is no reasoning at all at this point, if ever mind you anyway... .

I hope you are having a better day today, know that you are not alone here.

[ANewPlace30]

Thanks all.

Not a good day sadly, a much bigger argument and I left again.

The problem with leaving (which I have to do, otherwise I’d become a person I know I’m not!) is that it gets her back-up from an abandonment/fear point of view. Then she gets angrier while I’m away calming down. So when I come back she vents even more, which forces me to leave again!

I can’t go somehere else in the house as she follows me and doesn’t respect my space - so I have to force the space by jumping in my car.

She has sent a message already apologising and declaring love. But it’s only the fear of abandonment that’s talking. At the beginning I’d have ran back straight away, now I’m too stubborn to let her play me like fiddle - I’m taking some *me* time.

I really must put my foot down on being a better friend/son/brother.

[isilme]

Hey ANewPLace30,

I am sorry about the job.  I got laid off due to budget cutbacks in 2013, it was a hard time for me.  A lot of my own self-worth is tied in taking care of myself and not leaning on anyone.  The word "help" is very hard for me.  So I know it's a horrible blow to lose employment BUT that can be changed based on only your own effort, so try to not despair. 

I can also understand having no real safe haven inside the house - ours is quite tiny by many people's standards and short of driving off, there is no place to really go when things get bad late at night, or when I am tired or sick or all of the above.

In those situations, my goal is to deflate the conflict ASAP.  Validate.  Try to separate to allow for cool off time.  I find myself working towards the silent treatment part of our cycle, just so I can sleep.  Try to remove my personal feelings from the barbs coming at me.  I see my H as having an emotional disability.  If your W was disabled, you'd not be as upset if her physical limits prevented her from doing certain things.  Sadly, we are dealing with emotional disabilities, and they are invisible and harder to see what can and can't be handled by a pwBPD.

I would hazard a guess that she can't deal with the stress of your employment status at this time, and certainly cannot face any of the blame for it.  So, she lashes out at you - the easiest way for her to vent her emotions and dodge shame.

Isolation from people outside the BPD home is very common. I grew up with 2 BPD parents, several states away from all family, and discouraged from friends, and the taboo was so strong to not talk about it, I was trained to lie to guidance counselors from about age 7 about bruises and suicidal tendencies noted by my teachers.  It was lie and keep things between the three of us (me, mom and dad), or risk being taken by big, mean CPS.  No friends were permitted.  Anyone I got close to at school was belittled and bad-mouthed at home so much I felt embarrassed to be friends at school.

In my relationship, H still feels threatened when I am close to a friend (I am NC with my own family, so they are not seen as a hurdle for him).  I have worked to both validate his fears that I will make him look bad by talking about him but still maintain friendships. 

This si what you need - you NEED a support system, and especially at this time in her life, your W is not equipped to provide that.  I know this hurts, it really is hard to be the strong one all the time, feeling you don't have the right to break down, to need help, and to simply want more than a few hours/days of sympathy or support.  But just like you'd not expect a paraplegic to help you mow the yard, your emotionally handicapped wife can't do those things for you, not now, and not as long as you really need.  Thinking of it as a disability (which it kinda is) should help a little to remember that though she's being mean and spiteful, she's not doing it out of spite if that makes sense.  She is reacting the only way she knows, her emotions trump all other ocnsiderations.  I am sorry.  I hope you can find something you enoy doing as far as work, and that you can set a boundary around maintaining relationships that are important to you. 

[Stillholdinghope]

I think for me I have really had to mourn/go through the stages of grief related to the fact that for now i will not have a mutually reciprocal emotional relationship with my husband. It's super hard but I do therapy and cling to friends. And I am very transparent to him about where and who I am with.