How to stop the 0-90mph rage? Also, stop them from driving with that rage?

[See Rainbows]

Hi everyone. I am wondering what things I can try to stop a 0-90mph rage? Is there anything I can do to calm a pwBPD down once they are triggered? I've read about validating and other strategies to prevent it, but what about in the moment?

Also, do you let them get into a car when they are raging? I don't want to control my pwBPD, but I have been in a car with him when he is out of control and it's scary. I worry about him committing suicide or harming someone else on the road.

He was raging last night and I told him I would move my car (his was blocked in) when he calmed down a bit. This just made him more angry and he blew up, threw things, banging his head, verbally abusive, pushing me, self-harming by hitting himself. My neighbor almost called the police after hearing all of it. Eventually he grew tired after all that and calmed down. But in the future, should I have just moved my car and let him leave with his rage behind the wheel? Let the consequences fall on him?

He could have left and gone for a walk, but he wanted to leave in his car. He often has suicidal tendencies too. Relationship-wise, we are currently separated (but still married) and we each have our own place but the drive is over an hour between us. Him driving that long with that rage is what worries me.

What has worked for you guys? Thank you 

[WitzEndWife]

My uBPDh does the same thing. Little things set him off, and if he's driving when it happens, it's terrifying. I've found myself screaming to be let out of the car. He's only let me out once, and then pealed off.

If he flies quickly into a rage, there isn't much you can do once he's raging. You can't control what he does. You need to protect yourself. If he's at your place. you can leave and go for a drive, or go for a walk. Don't make a big deal about it, just say, "It scares me to be around you when you're like this, so I'm going to go for a walk and come back later." Remove yourself.

If you can't leave, try just going into another room quietly and locking the door. Usually, once they don't have an "audience" to rage to, they calm down pretty quickly.

If he wants to leave, let him go. It is not your responsibility to control his behavior. If he crashes his vehicle because of his rage, it's not because of something you did or didn't do.

I also have taken to driving most of the time with mine when we're in the car together, even when I don't feel like it. He's a terrible backseat driver, but I'd rather have that than be a passenger at the mercy of his rage.

The important thing to know is that, in the moment, anything you say or do can escalate things. The only way to de-escalate is to remove yourself. Not only does that usually calm things down, but it also protects you from harm. Put your own safety first.

I told my husband that if he ever rages in my direction again, it's over. He has been making a conscious effort to control himself since, because he is aware that I'm not messing around.

[Lucky Jim]

But in the future, should I have just moved my car and let him leave with his rage behind the wheel? Let the consequences fall on him?

Hey Rainbows, No, I don't think it's wise to let a raging pwBPD get behind the wheel, so in my view you handled it well.

This just made him more angry and he blew up, threw things, banging his head, verbally abusive, pushing me, self-harming by hitting himself. My neighbor almost called the police after hearing all of it.

I'm sorry you had to go through this episode, which is quite similar to many scenarios with my BPDxW.  Most of my efforts to calm her down, when triggered, proved futile, so my suggestion would be to retreat and regroup.  I took a lot of late-night walks and kept an overnight bag in the trunk of my car, just in case.  Sad to say, I spent many a night at the local motel.

As you are separated, and each of you has your own place, you might want to consider strengthening your boundaries (see Tools, above).

LuckyJim

[See Rainbows]

Thanks WitzEnd- I too find myself wanting to drive more too. I just never know if I may say something that sets him off while driving. There's many a locked doors that got busted through in my past too. But it's hard not to take responsibility when in the past, offering to help has kept him alive. It's something I need to work on more, along with focusing on myself and giving more boundaries, walking away like you say. I'm realizing more now that he needs to take action for his own life.

Thanks Lucky Jim - I need to work on the boundary thing more. Just having more stability in life would be nice. I will check out the tool box more. I know I should be doing no contact, it's just really hard when you've been linked to someone for many years and used to the ups/downs. Any tips from your own experience?

[AskingWhy]

My uBPD/uNPD H will driveswhile raging at me.  Sometimes the rages will begin while he is driving.  

He stomps on the brakes in order to startle me.

When you are being raged at, the first thing to do is understand it is not about you.  The raging is totally about the other person.

Sadly, I did not get this strategy until I had developed a full-blown case of C-PTSD.  The repeated rages would get my adrenaline going over and over again.  Now I have to tools to deal with the rages, but I now have to work on the PTSD.

Withdraw from the situation such as go to another room or start doing chores in another part of the house.  If you are in a car, stop engaging or replying or trying to dialog with the pwBPD.  Engaging only fuels the fires of the rage and you don't want to do that.

Not replying diffuses the rages.

Also, the H is an adult.  You cannot prevent him from going off in a rage.

It's good to have boundaries, as WitzEndWife suggests.  :)ealing with pwBPD is identical to dealing with a toddler with a tantrum.

[Lucky Jim]

Any tips from your own experience?

Hello again, Rainbows, I'm happy to share my experiences if you can fill me in a little more on what type of tips you are looking for.  For your background, I was married to my BPDxW for 16 years, so I can relate to the dynamic you describe.

LJ

[babyducks]

Hi See Rainbows,

I am glad you understand that validating and other strategies are best employed prior to a rage.   

I forget who wrote this originally but it's true that "their intense and annihilating anger comes from believing that others don't care about them, are not listening to them, or are not meeting their core needs."   I know this sounds odd.    But this is a mental disorder where we can't assume that what's ~normal~ (whatever normal is) and ordinary for us works for them.   We process life and life events vastly differently.   

True story,... .   I once told my ex partner that I wouldn't drive 60 minutes to another town in the middle of a blizzard, with white out conditions,   20 inches of snow and gale force winds.    and she raged at me.   because she had a need to go to this other town and I was thwarting it.   she defined her sense of self by how she was getting her needs met.    in other words if she had a need and it was met or served by another person, then she existed and was a good person.    make sense?

 

He was raging last night and I told him I would move my car (his was blocked in) when he calmed down a bit. This just made him more angry and he blew up,

Small changes in words can make a huge difference.    It's not normally suggested to use the phrase 'when you calm down'.   for a pwBPD who is on the way to emotional dysregulation that's shaming and heightens emotional reactivity.    I'm not surprised he blew up.     

For my partner one of the words that was very bothersome was "but"   I will move my car but I have the feeling that a couple of minutes of calm would do us both good.     that would have put her on the roof in a rage.  she would have told me you are lying to me again and trying to control me.    which really, if you look at it would have been true.   

 But in the future, should I have just moved my car and let him leave with his rage behind the wheel? Let the consequences fall on him?

You could try in a moment of calm to open and close the conversation so it's clear what will happen next time.   That way you won't be caught on the surprise.

"Hey S*R Husband,  you know I thought about how that turned out with the car when you wanted to leave.    I don't feel comfortable about it, so I want you to know, next time something like that happens I will move my car but ask you to wait 15 minutes before you leave.   I care about you and the other people on the road and would rather you not drive distracted.".

I call little statements like this 'hit and runs'.   Seriously, no pun intended.    I got to convey my message, not get drawn into a huge argument.    and start to draw boundaries.   

It was often a surprise to me how much I harder I had to work to communicate.   and how carefully I had to pick my words.   

I agree with AskingWhy,    other than the one or two times needed to make your point clear don't engage, reply, or try to dialog.  Find a way to exit safely from a raging conversation.  " I'm sorry I can't continue this conversation right now.    Let me make us a cup of tea and then we can go our separate ways.   Oh you don't want a cup of tea,  well I am going to make one anyhow and then I will move the car."... .


ducks

   

[WitzEndWife]

I think ducks makes some good points about making it clear to him how you feel before he rages. Maybe say something like, "It scares me when you get angry and you want to drive your car. Would it be okay with you if, next time, we both took a 15-minute time out to calm down before you get behind the wheel?" That way, you get buy in from him, and you can both agree to that strategy. Or even ask him what he suggests before offering your own suggestion. He won't feel cornered that way.

But, like I said, even though you care, you are not responsible for him. And you know your own level of danger when it comes to his rage. When he's already raging, you have your strategy, but if he is unwilling or unable to adhere to that, you need to protect yourself. I have a "lifeline" friend that I can call if I get scared. Maybe get away and be sure to call that friend to ensure your safety. Or call the police, if it's bad enough. They can also keep him from getting behind the wheel.

[See Rainbows]

Hello again, Rainbows, I'm happy to share my experiences if you can fill me in a little more on what type of tips you are looking for.  For your background, I was married to my BPDxW for 16 years, so I can relate to the dynamic you describe.

LJ

Hi LJ - I've been with HwBPD for around the same amount of time. Did you go no contact?  I know I have to put more space between us, it's just hard since it was a co-dependent relationship. We've had a lot of history in those years and still have a lot of love for each other. But I know there's no future for us in a relationship. I also want kids, he doesn't anymore. I don't know how to move on. The whole NC thing seems a bit harsh to me. We are separated though so I was able to make that step finally. But now with the time away from each other, it's like we're dating again and seeing each other on the weekends. But talking about past relationship problems continue to come up. And his subsequent rages and suicide talk too. Even if I was able to get to the divorce stage, I think he'd kill himself. So we're separated but I still feel stuck. So that's where I'm at. Thoughts? 

[See Rainbows]

Hi See Rainbows,

I forget who wrote this originally but it's true that "their intense and annihilating anger comes from believing that others don't care about them, are not listening to them, or are not meeting their core needs."   I know this sounds odd.    But this is a mental disorder where we can't assume that what's ~normal~ (whatever normal is) and ordinary for us works for them.   We process life and life events vastly differently.   

True story,... .   I once told my ex partner that I wouldn't drive 60 minutes to another town in the middle of a blizzard, with white out conditions,   20 inches of snow and gale force winds.    and she raged at me.   because she had a need to go to this other town and I was thwarting it.   she defined her sense of self by how she was getting her needs met.    in other words if she had a need and it was met or served by another person, then she existed and was a good person.    make sense?

 
Small changes in words can make a huge difference.    It's not normally suggested to use the phrase 'when you calm down'.   for a pwBPD who is on the way to emotional dysregulation that's shaming and heightens emotional reactivity.    I'm not surprised he blew up.     

For my partner one of the words that was very bothersome was "but"   I will move my car but I have the feeling that a couple of minutes of calm would do us both good.     that would have put her on the roof in a rage.  she would have told me you are lying to me again and trying to control me.    which really, if you look at it would have been true.   

You could try in a moment of calm to open and close the conversation so it's clear what will happen next time.   That way you won't be caught on the surprise.

"Hey S*R Husband,  you know I thought about how that turned out with the car when you wanted to leave.    I don't feel comfortable about it, so I want you to know, next time something like that happens I will move my car but ask you to wait 15 minutes before you leave.   I care about you and the other people on the road and would rather you not drive distracted.".

I call little statements like this 'hit and runs'.   Seriously, no pun intended.    I got to convey my message, not get drawn into a huge argument.    and start to draw boundaries.   

It was often a surprise to me how much I harder I had to work to communicate.   and how carefully I had to pick my words.   

I agree with AskingWhy,    other than the one or two times needed to make your point clear don't engage, reply, or try to dialog.  Find a way to exit safely from a raging conversation.  " I'm sorry I can't continue this conversation right now.    Let me make us a cup of tea and then we can go our separate ways.   Oh you don't want a cup of tea,  well I am going to make one anyhow and then I will move the car."... .


ducks

   

Thanks ducks. I can relate to everything you said. I know I shouldn't have said "when you calm down", he probably thinks I'm talking to him like a child. But honestly, it seems like he is acting like one sometimes.  But I realize it would trigger him more. I like your idea of 'hit and runs' with words. I feel sometimes I should not even talk, like he's just waiting to find something wrong with what I'm saying. Thanks for the tips, I will try them out in the future 

[See Rainbows]

Thanks AskingWhy and WitzEnd, I will be sure to employ your tips in the future. As far as calling the cops, I don't anymore. He really wants to die sometimes, and he's said he would attempt suicide by police if I do. So I'm challenged either way. Of course, if I was in danger, I wouldn't hesitate to call. Thanks everyone for your help 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Rainbows, My BPDxW and I have kids together so we are LC.  Virtually every BPD r/s had a codependent aspect, so you are not alone.  The key, in my view, is to return the focus to yourself.  What would you like to see happen?  What is the best path for you?  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings and strive for authenticity.  You are not responsible for the well being of another adult, though I understand that concept might be hard to comprehend.  Often, helping is unhealthy for both the helper and the one being helped.

LuckyJim