What do you tell other people when you are breaking up?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I haven't had to do this yet but when I speak to other folks, like friends, and family, what do I tell them about our breakup?  How much should I say about what has happened? 

Over the years I have confided to some of my closest friends that my w has a mental health and alcohol problem, but what do I say to others that are only somewhat close.  Just keep it brief and say that we have decided to separate?

In particular what do I say to folks like her relatives -in my case my Sister in Law and Brother in Law (wife's sister and brother) who are the only two close relatives of my wife?  They have been working with me in trying to get my uBPDw to realize that she has a problem and to get some help, but we have all been massively unsuccessful. 

In some ways she may become more of their problem now as we separate.  Neither of them live that close physically (brother lives 1.5 hours away, sister lives 1000 miles away and visits about twice/year) and my w is not really on speaking terms with either of them as she generally refuses to answer when they call, text or email.  How much should I confide in them?  For the most part I trust them, but they will likely have to be looking out for her.

[polaris9]

I haven't had to do this yet but when I speak to other folks, like friends, and family, what do I tell them about our breakup?  How much should I say about what has happened? 

Over the years I have confided to some of my closest friends that my w has a mental health and alcohol problem, but what do I say to others that are only somewhat close.  Just keep it brief and say that we have decided to separate?

In particular what do I say to folks like her relatives -in my case my Sister in Law and Brother in Law (wife's sister and brother) who are the only two close relatives of my wife?  They have been working with me in trying to get my uBPDw to realize that she has a problem and to get some help, but we have all been massively unsuccessful. 

In some ways she may become more of their problem now as we separate.  Neither of them live that close physically (brother lives 1.5 hours away, sister lives 1000 miles away and visits about twice/year) and my w is not really on speaking terms with either of them as she generally refuses to answer when they call, text or email.  How much should I confide in them?  For the most part I trust them, but they will likely have to be looking out for her.

[ForeverDad]

IMO  Honesty is the better policy — lies or fudging the facts could boomerang on you — but the key is that it has to be tempered with good judgment on how much to disclose.  For those with only a peripheral knowledge of the relationship and not the long term issues or conflicts, perhaps just saying "It didn't work out" would be sufficient.  Even that simple non-blaming statement is honest, right?  If they ask subsequent questions then you can perhaps elaborate a little more.  But just as you'd prefer her not to spout a stream of Blaming the other spouse — though you can't stop her from doing that — then you too should not needlessly burden others with your extended story.  For those closer, such as her two relatives you mentioned, you can inform them in the context that her issues were just too much (too severe and too extensive) for you to continue in the relationship (similar to one juggling knives or chainsaws).

Don't guilt yourself overmuch.  While there may be some things you might have handled better, the fact is that a persons afflicted with BPD or another acting-out PD has the vastly larger share of responsibility for the relationship's demise.  That's typical that you failed to move her toward real recovery.  The spouse is generally just too close — too much overwhelming emotional baggage perceived by the pwBPD — to be the manner in which a pwBPD recovers.  You tried to be supportive but very few can do more.  BPD is a disorder of emotional moods and perceptions and you were just to close for her to get past the baggage of the relationship.  Generally only a trained professional, a therapist or counselor maintaining a professional and not emotional relationship, can get past the emotional  issues.

And don't be surprised if the ex blames you.  Typically pwBPD cannot accept their part in the failure so they Blame and Shift Blame.  Not surprisingly, they describe their ended relationships as abusive ones and that they were betrayed or even victimized.  Though they may be emotionally convincing, the reality could be quite different, so their accounts are not to be trusted unless independently verified.

Another thought.  Be careful not to jump into a rebound relationship.  Give yourself time to emotionally recover.  And recovery is a process, not an event.  If you turn to dating too soon you may find yourself relating the woes of the ended relationship.  I doubt the one on the other side of the table would enjoy being dumped on with that.  So allow some time to get yourself back to a more normal life and more positive outlook.

[livednlearned]

I haven't had to do this yet but when I speak to other folks, like friends, and family, what do I tell them about our breakup?  How much should I say about what has happened? 

Would you feel comfortable saying, "Mrs. polaris9 and I are divorcing. It's a sad time, and what I need right now is to focus on getting the kids through this, as well as myself. I've never done this before, so I'm not sure what to say, how much to share."

Then either, ":)o you have any questions for me?"

Or, "What I need from friends is... ."

People tend to hear the news through their own filter, I found. If their marriages are rocky, the announcement can be triggering for reasons that have nothing to do with you.

Some people just don't know what to say, and aren't sure what you want. I found it got easier to tell people what I needed from them, including when I felt I didn't need anything.

My ex was so off the rails that I ended up saying things like, "I have a wonderful team of people advising me and lots of support, but I wanted to let you know what's going on right now so you understand why I may seem out of sorts, or not as available. What I need right now is to have normal conversations with people. Thankfully, I have a great therapist I can talk to about this stuff. I just need friends to keep reaching out and maybe inviting me out for coffee from time to time."

I do think that when people sense you are taking care of yourself (by knowing what you need, or what you expect from them), that they relax a little, and probably show up more.

[Panda39]

I was not married to someone with BPD, I'm here because my SO has an uBPDxw, but for me during my divorce it depended on who I was talking with.

My closest friends knew much of the gorey details.  Closer acquaintances I told some information, usually where I was in the process of the divorce.  More distant acquaintances I would just tell I was going through a divorce... .they would say they were sorry... .I would usually respond "it's actually a good thing" and leave it there.  (It truly was a good thing not just for me, but my ex and my son... .my leaving the marriage was a catalyst for a lot of positive change)

I also discovered that I was a member of a new club... .many divorced friends and acquaintances offered to share their experiences, advice and support.

Do what you are comfortable with.

Panda39