Granddaughter Wants to Live with Me

[Scared Silly]

Thank you for your support.

This week has not been easy. My granddaughter asked me if she could move in with my husband and I and of course I told her she is welcome here any time and as long as she wants. My daughter and her husband support this. Having said this there is tension between them and I. For you to understand I need to tell you about my son-in-law's background.
He was raised by a single mom on welfare. Actually he basically raised himself so he grew up with the attitude of me, myself and I and still is this way. I do get where this attitude is coming from but nevertheless the rest of the family suffers. My daughter doesn't see this. She has empathy for him. He is very competitive and  belongs to a volleyball team during the winter and golfs all summer. He is gone a lot of the time and travels for tournaments which is also costly and takes a lot of the family income for this. The first time my granddaughter attempted suicide he was on one of these weekends. He was upset that she had interrupted his weekend and had to come home. Thankfully I was not home when he said this in front of my daughter and my husband because I probably would have lost it.
I know he was very hurt and disappointed with his mother when he was diagnosed with cancer. She lives thousands of miles away and they already had plans to go for Christmas. When he called her to tell her, this was her reply "are you still coming for Christmas?, if not I will cancel my vacation time." He said she did not seem moved by this and made no effort to come for his surgery so I do understand why he is who he is and I empathize with him.
They own a trailer at a park and spend a lot of times there in the summer. Since he was off work this summer he let us all know that he would be spending all of his time there and living it up golfing with his friends because of his cancer scare and I get this but he left my daughter dealing with my granddaughter's BPD by herself. To cope with this herself she picked up going to bingo several times a week and brings my granddaughter with her, she is of age. My granddaughter confided in me this week and said that she feels the family is not coping in a healthy way and she is right. On Wednesday my son-in-law invited us for dinner. He made appetizers and a lovely dinner with wine and my daughter came home from work happy to see this. The evening was going well until he yelled at my granddaughter to clean up her room. I have no probl with him asking her to clean her room but as soon as he yelled she teared up. This is when I defended her. He was not happy and moved to the living room. I KNOW yelling is not good for her and probably contributed the her disorder when growing up. He has a very loud voice and without a doubt she is scared when he yells at her. I feel stuck because if I speak out it causes friction but if I don't he is pushing my granddaughter to her death.
The thought of losing my daughter scares me as much as losing my granddaughter.
Please advise. I am torn.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Scared Silly  

That's a difficult situation and no wonder you feel torn, I'd be too  , your daughter and son in law supporting your granddaughter moving in with you. Do they talk with you about your granddaughter's BPD and situation, do they understand her struggles and theirs as a family? I ask as you are concerned about your son in law's behaviour towards your granddaughter, you are trying to work through that it may not be environment for your GD to recover, I understand that, if it was, what needs to change apart from the yelling? I can understand you feel stuck and speaking out may cause friction. How and when we speak out can make a difference. Have you read the tools to the right   'Know Good vs Bad Triangulation'?

Since discharge is your granddaughter receiving treatment and support?  
SS my 29DD was hospitalised a number of times and diagnosed in 2015 I know where you are   and yes a calm, loving, supportive, validating environment was key to her recovery to where she is managing her BPD. I see you know that well and want that for your GD.

Small steps worked for me and my 29DD. I stood back and leant how.

We can help you move forwards. How's your lovely GD today? How are you?

WDx

[Scared Silly]

Hi WD,

This is what I'm getting from the article you suggested I read and what you said.
Even if I know yelling at her is not good, I should back away because it is causing conflict and tension which is more detrimental to her recovery. Is this right?

My granddaughter has returned home. She said she missed them. I am always supportive of her decisions and assured her that she is welcomed to come and go any time.

[Scared Silly]

She started therapy on Thursday.