Long Absence...I left and am now divorced.

[Ceruleanblue]

I just want to thank everyone that was there for me during my time with BPDh. I called the police last August, and waited for my daughter to get home, and I left. The police advised me after talking to him to seek a PPO(restraining order).

I managed to stay no contact for a week, then he called my Mom, and I relented and returned his call. He wanted to meet and "talk". We met, he cried through dinner, and asked me to make a "list" of things I wanted or things he could work on, and begged me to move back. I knew better to believe him, but I did it, and yet the VERY NEXT DAY, when I'd gone back, he was saying "I don't think it's fair that only I have to change". Also, I'd filed for divorce the day after I left. He begged me for a couple months to cancel it, but some gut feeling told me not to. I still live with regrets that I didn't, because I still love him, and am still such a mess, nearly a year later. I moved out again, beginning of November.

We continued to have sex for quite a while, but he really didn't want to spend quality time, it was just like he was using me. He was getting the only part of me he really liked, and he could still be cruel and punishing to me any other time. I came to see just how ugly and bereft of true feelings he really is. He kept telling me he'd "probably really regret this someday", but he did nothing to make his behaviors any better. He blamed ME for absolutely everything, resented me for imagined things, and his two years of DBT did not seem to help one iota.

The longer I'm away from him, the more I see that he truly, truly enjoyed being cruel and "punishing" me, and he lives and sees a totally false reality. This isn't just a matter of having his own perspecdtive, it's way beyond that. He lied and managed to get a PPO on me, and yet I was physically abused by him, cops told me to get a PPO, and I still got turned down(I filed for one the day after I left)... .I didn't know how to attach my photos of all the bruises from over the years. I now realized just how miserably the system fails abuse victims at times.

We are now divorced, and I'm doing my best to heal. I'm in therapy still, and he's a tragic mess. His family has been told he's seen at the bar wasted, and my sister in law says they think he has a drinking problem. I've pretty much known this, and this is a new development. He started drinking and partying after I left. He'll be lucky is he doesn't end up with a DUI at the age of 50.

I'm having the hardest time with grief, still. It's been over a year since I left, and yet I can't get the cruel things he said to me out of my head. I've been daignosed with PTSD.

I'm in a somewhat better emotional state, but I just feel haunted. I believed in him when no one else did, I accepted him as he was, and didn't think I could "fix him"... .I just wanted to be there if/when he figured his stuff out. I hated how he treated me, and never thought I deserved it, but I was actually happier, less miserable, and more thankful for HIM than he ever was for me.

I actually learned about self care, being mindful, and meeting my own needs... .all while with him. Why couldn't or wouldn't he do a dang thing to help his situation? He's no happier now, although he'd deny that.

I am fighting the daily fight of feeling better... .

[flourdust]

Glad to see you again, CB! I remember your story.

It sounds like you are seeing a therapist and working on taking care of yourself? That's good.

How did the divorce process itself go? Did his BPD pose any special challenges there?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey CB, Welcome back.  I think it's a positive sign that you are writing/posting about all that you've been through.  That you are now divorced is another sign of progress, so give yourself credit.  I was married to my BPDxW for 16 years and understand the emotional scars that linger on after parting ways.  There's no particular timetable to one's recovery and everyone is different, so be patient and give yourself a chance to heal.

LuckyJim

[donkey2016]

Hi CB ,

Thank you for posting your story here. I remember reading some of your posts. That's great for us others to read about your story as an encouragement when we're in the middle of breaking up with our BPD partners.

Continue to work on putting yourself first - you're worth it.

donkey2016

[Ceruleanblue]

Thanks all. Oh, I always thought I was worth way more than I got from BPDxH! I never even thought I could "fix" him. I truly didn't know he had any of these issues prior to marriage. Well, he did cop to having had road rage in the past, and said his ex had made him get help for it, but that seemed to be a thing of the past.

The divorce didn't go smoothly, to say the least. I sought a PPO, at the advice of the cops I'd called the day I left. I went the next day to file for one, but I got denied. He on the other hand told a crap load of lies, and got one months later. The system really fails, sometimes. Before all this, I thought there was more justice, but I had a police officer ask me at a later incident(while trying to get my things), if I'd "antagonized him". I almost feel like for every one good, informed, police officer, there are three that have that blaming the victim attitude.

Same as when we were married, he's still threatening me with crap. The divorce is final, but he refuses to follow the divorce settlement, in that he won't give me back the most contested item. He signed final papers not realizing(and I think he's telling the truth for once) that the computer he promised me was part of things I receive. So, because I keep requesting it, he threatens to slap another bogus PPO on me if I contact him again. Threats, threats, threats, were always his main tool, and still is. Funny fact is, I'd given him the computer back(this is the main contested item I was awarded), just so he'd know that no computer or money, or anything, mattered to me as much as HE did. I just removed it from the table by giving it to him, and God, or Karma or something stepped in(I think God), and ironically sough to right a wrong. I found it funny and ironic justice... .until he started his crap. He'd initially told me he'd wipe the computer and give it to me, even though he was "mad", but a few days later he'd changed his mind.

No computer, nothing, is probably worth having any more contact with him. I don't want to pursue it legally, and I know I could.

I truly think he has something way worse than BPD. I've had several people in the past suggest he's a sociopath or psychopath, and I have to agree, he probably is. He's hugely nacissistic, and enjoys hurting people. I ended up in the psyche ward(checked myself in after he was pushing me towards suicide even after I left and was on my own), diagnosed with PTSD.

I'm actually dating a seemingly nice man after casually dating lots of others the past year. I dated just as a way to distract myself while I worked through all this in therapy. If I hadn't dated or pursued hobbies, I'd have slipped even further into depression and obsessing over him and all he did to me. Most didn't get past the two date mark, as I'd always see some "red flag". This all left me with some trust issues, imagine that.

The man I am dating is actually a counselor, or sort of therapist. He just got his degree and he has a very good grasp on all I've been through and is super understanding. In fact, I think I kept dating him while I didn't other guys, because he didn't push or rush me, and we developed a friendship first. We just have fun, and I'm really starting to believe again that there are truly good people out there that wouldn't want to deceive me. He says things like "I'll work on that", and he can apologize(he got grumpy and snapped at me once), and he is so darn encouraging and has a positive attitude. He is always saying nice things to me, and he SEES, actually sees the good in me.

Still, I'm haunted by my BPDxH, and I don't know why. I guess I can't help loving him still, but I know he does not deserve, want, or appreciate that type of unconditional love I had for him. I think because I'm likely an empath, I didn't think I could or should have to fix him, but I thought he might want to get a tiny bit healthier, and I'd still be there... .just accepting him as is. Good, bad, all of it. That attitude likely kept me stuck though.

I'm out, and now I'm just trying so hard to get him out of my head. My attorney majorly set my BPDxH off, and so I negotiated with BPDxH, and both my attorney and my therapist(she got to know BPDxH well and wanted to come support me) said I got a lot farther with him, and was great with him. I'd learned hard how to deal with his erratic, arrogant, and negative behaviors, after all. Sadly.

Any advice on how to stop obsessing about his awful man, I'm all ears.

[Notwendy]

CB, I had wondered how things turned out for you. Good for you for forging your path through this. You have showed tremendous strength.

I think it is great that you are reconnecting here and there are people who have walked your path who can be of support to you. It isn't easy to change old patterns . Your relationship was difficult but familiar to you. All this is new.

It is good you have a T and are connecting with other people.

I don't have personal advice for this stage, but hope to encourage you on your path to being happy.