Wife with BPD

[Mr.H]

I want to say that I personally suffer with depression and anxiety, as well as intense guilt in conjunction with substance/addiction abuse issues: nicotine, sex & pornography.

The first time I lied to my wife to spare her feelings was to tell her that I didn't sleep with someone early on in our relationship. I had. I did it out of spite and insecurity. Before we had even met in person again (we developed our relationship virtually, on facebook, but had known each other through friends in the past), she told me "You can be with other people if you want" which was secretly a test saying "I want you to want and be with only me. The test had a double-edge, because I became insecure about whether or not she was going to sleep with someone too. So I tried to get ahead of the pain and "protect" myself by being the first to make the offense. I told her about it the next day in a very inconsiderate way. And she went back and forth deciding she could & couldn't continue to be with me. I made promises to never do that again to her (and I haven't). But when we met in person I spent nearly a year deceiving her about the reality of what went down, because I knew it wasn't an important or moving experience to me, and that it wasn't worth her fretting so viciously over it. We had some very intense fights over the course of the year talking about it.

Eventually, after she became pregnant, the pressure of lying was too much for me to bear so I told her the truth. It only opened up a new can of worms, which eventually led to a suicide attempt and hospitalization. She came out no better, but was diagnosed by the institution with BPD. She was given a prescription of Lamictal which she never successfully began using. So then we spent the next few years fighting about whether the sex was good, awesome, passionate, worth it, etc. Slowly the blow of it began to fade and the topic arose less and less often, though she was still clearly insecure about it and it would crop up at times. It became more generalized about a fear of me finding other women more attractive than her (which I don't). It's worthwhile to note that she also has body dysmorphic disorder and a critically low self-esteem.

I lied and told her I wasn't still looking at pornography, because I was terrified of what she'd think of me. Eventually though, only a few week ago, I came out and told her I had looked at pornography, but had eventually stemmed it in the past few months. I have an addiction that I kept returning to despite much better judgment on my part.

At this point in time her primary concern about my viewing pornography is that I view women's bodies as more attractive than hers, and that that is what drew me to it. I know this isn't true, but I cannot say why. I have so much trouble putting into words my feelings and thoughts on the matter and what drove me to look at pornographic and sexualized images while masturbating. I know this is because it is such a deep-seated addiction that pre-dates a lot of the introspective tools I've developed. I still feel like my ability to be introspective is severely underdeveloped and it prevents me from really communicating how I feel to her.

I've begun treatment for the pornography/masturbation addiction, but it hasn't yet come close to yielding me an understanding of why I would choose pornography & other women's images over my wife or her images. I'm so stuck and at a loss to be able to communicate it to her, but I'm genuinely trying to learn. I think I need to find a way to establish clear boundaries, but I don't know what they should be, or how to begin to implement them without upsetting her or making it seem like I'm trying to get off the hook for my behavior.

Right now my goal is to try to elucidate and focus on her concerns first and foremost. Address her insecurities one by one, as they crop up, and to handle them with care. Though, it's very hard to stay strong when you feel emotionally damaged and weak yourself.

Does anyone have any kind words or advice?

Thank you,
Howell

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[pearlsw]

Hi Howell,

Welcome to the family!

You have quite a lot of issues here and I can't get to all of them in one reply, but I would like to say that I do understand that issues around sex can be particularly large in relationships with people with BPD. Speaking for myself, I think I have never had a relationship that anywhere as many as issues and complications around sex. It is quite a challenge.

It sounds like starting therapy so you can put a primary focus on understanding your own addictions is a good starting point. I think once you have better self-understanding you will be better equipped to relate to your wife's issues which I can only imagine are also complicated. So, I think on this one, you may want to put yourself first. I think I stated this to someone the other day... .Ya know those safety announcements on airplanes? The ones where they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first before you try to help someone else? You may want to approach it like that. Just something to consider.

Keep posting and asking questions... .I hope other posters will come by and help us find some of the links around this site than can help give us insights on issues related to sex.

Take care!