At a loss

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been in a relationship for 18 years, we have an 8 year old son. Although we have always had challenges and conflicts, throughout all the difficulties I have mostly felt loved and appreciated, but the last 2 years have been really difficult. I'm not sure why, our child getting older, my partner getting older and feeling like she has not accomplished what she wanted and is too dependent on me financially.

After many years living in an apt. we purchased a home. She was upset with me while we were in the apt, that we were there too long and that she was trapped and depressed, now in the house she is angry with me that we didn't purchase it sooner and that we should have done it when she could have contributed more. She feels this is only my house and that at this point the only way I can help her is to kick her out (she says she is too scared to leave) and to divorce her. We have had this same conversation periodically over the last couple years, her blaming me and telling me I am the most selfish person who never supported her for the past 18 years.

Last January at my wits end I started my own therapy, I wanted to do couples or family but she refused and definitely didn't want to see anyone herself despite her deep depression and shame.My therapist introduced me to BPD which I had never heard of. The more I read and find out, the more it resonates with me. I am learning more ways I can try and de-escalate high emotions and start to set some limits and try more validation but I am new at the and it is so hard because what she says is heartbreaking and hurts deeply and I question myself and my actions. She only remembers times I have let her down nothing postive or ways I have supported her. I am learning trying not to defend myself but it is hard the picture she paints of me and our relationship is very sad.

I don't know what to do, I want her to happier but don't think her separating will make her feel better, our son does give her moments of joy and I don't think it is financially feasible either. Do I hope this passes again and keep trying to learn more and work on my skills? Will she be able to feel love and trust for me again? Any small suggestion I make that she doesn't deserve this deep pain and that she should seek professional help makes her angry. I wonder if I should go to her family... but that is complicated too... She feels so alone and has no one to talk to, since talking to me she just gets upset... .I do have close friends I can confide in as well as my therapist. It feels very hopeless at this point. But our son is happy and somehow we are mostly able to shield him. Thank you for reading.

[EW]

I have been in a relationship for 18 years, we have an 8 year old son. Although we have always had challenges and conflicts, throughout all the difficulties I have mostly felt loved and appreciated, but the last 2 years have been really difficult. I'm not sure why, our child getting older, my partner getting older and feeling like she has not accomplished what she wanted and is too dependent on me financially.

After many years living in an apt. we purchased a home. She was upset with me while we were in the apt, that we were there too long and that she was trapped and depressed, now in the house she is angry with me that we didn't purchase it sooner and that we should have done it when she could have contributed more. She feels this is only my house and that at this point the only way I can help her is to kick her out (she says she is too scared to leave) and to divorce her. We have had this same conversation periodically over the last couple years, her blaming me and telling me I am the most selfish person who never supported her for the past 18 years.

Last January at my wits end I started my own therapy, I wanted to do couples or family but she refused and definitely didn't want to see anyone herself despite her deep depression and shame.My therapist introduced me to BPD which I had never heard of. The more I read and find out, the more it resonates with me. I am learning more ways I can try and de-escalate high emotions and start to set some limits and try more validation but I am new at the and it is so hard because what she says is heartbreaking and hurts deeply and I question myself and my actions. She only remembers times I have let her down nothing postive or ways I have supported her. I am learning trying not to defend myself but it is hard the picture she paints of me and our relationship is very sad.

I don't know what to do, I want her to happier but don't think her separating will make her feel better, our son does give her moments of joy and I don't think it is financially feasible either. Do I hope this passes again and keep trying to learn more and work on my skills? Will she be able to feel love and trust for me again? Any small suggestion I make that she doesn't deserve this deep pain and that she should seek professional help makes her angry. I wonder if I should go to her family... but that is complicated too... She feels so alone and has no one to talk to, since talking to me she just gets upset... .I do have close friends I can confide in as well as my therapist. It feels very hopeless at this point. But our son is happy and somehow we are mostly able to shield him. Thank you for reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Ew,

I"m sorry that you are struggling in your marriage. You have found a great place for support and advice. It sounds like you've started to use some communication skills that have worked modestly, but are still struggling with not taking what your W says too personal. Am I correct in seeing this?

I know it's really hard not to take offense and hurt at the things our pwBPD says to us because what they say hits very personal areas. When my H does this I remind myself that he has a mental illness and that it is the mental illness speaking and not him. I remind myself that when he is in a good place that he does not believe these things about me and what he thinks of me can change from one day to the next. So I keep myself at a safe distance emotionally.

I would suggest that when you do start to take the things your W says personally that you tell yourself the truth. The only way to combat lies is with truth. So if she says you are selfish, then your truth is to go through the things that you have done that are not selfish.

I'd also like to suggest that you work on using Validation and don't be invalidating . When your W says that she feels like the house is only yours she is not saying that to attack you. What she is really saying is that she feels separate and that she doesn't have a place. She feels alone and that she is scared of losing you.

To validate you might say something like, "I'm sorry that you are feeling so scared that I might leave you. I've felt worried about those things in the past before too and it's not an easy feeling. You are important to me and I want to be sure you feel like you have a place in this home. What would help you know that you are wanted here?" And just ask her questions, truly listening to what she is trying to tell you about her emotions. Don't discount what she is feeling or believes, even if it's not true, but not agree to things that are untrue either. Just show understanding, care, and that you are listening.