I could only do it with an ally

[Wolfsocks]

Hello members of the BPD family,

I signed up because I realized that my ex-partner shows signs for BPD. My story is a bit unique because I managed to break free from my partner only with the help of her ex (lets call her K. to make things a little less complicated).

I was friends with K. before I became her successor/my pwBPD's NEXT. My partner never let go of her ex and raised the same claims to her as she had done during the relationship (constant emotional regulation and daily contact). Since I was very young when the relationship started I didn't question this behaviour at first. To this day K. and I are the only people in the world who really know about the dark side of our mutual former partner. For the rest of the world she has created a funny and reliable persona liked by everyone.

K. and I are both very kind and caring people. So for ten years my former partner had two people she could rely on almost completely but there was one major problem: K. and I also liked each other. A lot. So my former partner felt jealous all the time. She was simultaneously jealous at K. for spending time with me and at me for spending time with K. She wanted to have both of us while keeping me and K. apart.

She did unfortunately succeed for a while. I don't think she manipulated us on purpose but in retrospect I noticed that she had influenced my opinion about K. for years and her opinion about me. Very subtly she kept telling me behind K.'s back that K. thought I was a weird handful and K. that I was arrogant and above her and our shared friends. Three years ago I couldn't take this and the drama connected to the friendship I shared with K. anymore so we stopped speaking almost completely.

Without K. in my life my partner became very docile and we had the most harmonious phase of our relationship in eight years. I actually thought she had overcome her jealousy. This nice phase came to an end when my partner turned into a complete workaholic (she only does drugs that are socially acceptable which is another reason why nobody else suspects anything).

At the beginning of this year I was completely lonely and isolated because of my partner's working hours. Neither K. nor anyone from our shared circle of friends were in contact with me. I though K. didn't want to see me so I never showed up to any of the meetings - my partner, on the other hand, attended them all without me.

In spring K. and I started speaking again and I was so happy to have her back in my life. During that time I had a lot of health problems and my partner didn't offer any support because she was working all the time. So I was so grateful and happy when K. and I made up. Up to this point there were only platonic feelings between K. and I but my partner reacted with instant jealousy again nonetheless.

Fortunately I had matured a bit since my falling out with K. This time I decided that I didn't want to be with a person who was so controlling and neglectful at the same time. In addition, I had developed romantic feelings for K. and wanted to make a clear cut before starting a new relationship.

The pwBPD spiraled out of control more and more as the situation developed. When K. and I rekindled she was intensely confused, jealous, anxious and possessive. When I admitted my romantic feelings for K. she alternated between sobbing, emotional blackmail and manipulation mode. She overran me with all her emotions without giving me the slightest break until I basically fled from our shared apartment. After seperating and moving out I developed something with K. that could be called "more than friendship" - not an official relationship though.

The pwBPD kept clinging to me and K. with the classic "I hate you, don't leave me!" mentality. There was a phase when K. and I were our own little support group literally stopping each other from recyling. Two codependents "arguing" with each other does have it's funny side... ."It's not okay what she does to you!" - ":)on't mind me, it's not ok what she does to you!"

Right now the pwBPD completely hates us (we have a NC policy going) and has turned all of K.'s friends (my former friends) against K. by claiming that K. has seduced me. According to her we were having an affair behind her back for months before I split up with her (not true). She is also telling this lie to some family members of mine.

TLTR version: I was friends with K. until her ex (a BPD) turned me into her NEXT. The pwBPD then sabotaged our friendship for years. She turned us against each other and our friends against me - while keeping both of us as permanent emotional caregivers. K. and I finally broke free from this abuse together but now the pwBPD makes our friends and family believe that we are the lying and manipulative asss.

I know it sounds crazy but I thought you guys might understand or at least not judge.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Wolfsocks,

Welcome to the board 

Thanks for sharing your story with us.  I did giggle about the codependent argument 

You were absolutely right.  Nobody here will judge you and yes we do understand.  Often it's only when we step out of the drama and disordered behaviour that we are able to truly recognise and understand it for what it is.  How long has it been since you left your ex now and is the NC still in place between you?

I'm wondering what your feelings are about all of this with your ex?  Meaning the r/s and how things played out between you.  Now that you have left and can look back, how do you feel towards her and about the loss of what you had at one point (the beginning I'd imagine). 

Sorry to hear about what she is doing to paint you black.  This backlash behaviour is not uncommon when a partner feels abandoned and betrayed.  Many members have had smear campaigns to deal with.  How are the friends and family taking these accusations?  I'm sure there must be some who know you well enough to not believe these things.  Especially if they were close to the situation.  Let's hope so.  Do her actions affect you directly regards your work or other important areas of your life?   

I can tell you that there will probably be people who fall by the wayside who perhaps were not so invested in your friendship.  There may be others who believe initially only to later realise they were wrong to by seeing for themselves how she behaves and figuring out the patterns.  Try to not concern yourself with the impressions others have as long as you know the truth.  Only those people who really matter to you are worth convincing if they're being led in their opinions by her.  You and your new partner have each other, which must be a comfort. 

I'm glad you found us.  Hopefully you'll find others' posts helpful in gaining confidence that you're far from alone in what you describe.  There are also excellent resources here, so keep reading and let us know how best we can support you.

Love and light x     

[Wolfsocks]

Thank you for reaching out, Harley Quinn, I appreciate your kind and supportive words and feel very welcome here  

I separated and moved out of the apartment in September (I wasn't much there in August). Unfortunately I am in a civil partnership with my ex so there had to be some contact in September and October to talk about legal consequences. However, I concentrated on the organisational side of things and did not let her drag me to the emotional side (and try she did). Complete NC has only been a week but my boundaries in our conversations have been very clear for about two months. I don't respond to drama and leave the conversation when she insults me.

I'm wondering what your feelings are about all of this with your ex?  Meaning the r/s and how things played out between you.  Now that you have left and can look back, how do you feel towards her and about the loss of what you had at one point (the beginning I'd imagine).

Right now I feel like Theoden after Gandalf has exorcised him (if you are familiar with Lord of the Rings). I was 17 when my ex came into me life and she was 6 years older. In retrospect I am furious how she took advantage from me. I was a very lonely, insecure and vulnerable teenager. I know she probably had and has the emotional maturity of a teenage girl so we were a compatible match at that time - but I am still angry. She snatched me before I was even remotely grown-up and then controlled and manipulated me for over a decade! It took me so loong to figure out that there was something wrong with her (not just me!) because I believed her behaviour was normal.

I was so used to her pathologies, so shaped to her will and whims... .I thought our relationship was normal. It was the only relationship I ever had. And over time she managed to convince me that I was the difficult one. That I should be grateful that she - this charming, funny, popular person - has the benevolence to be in a relationship with a complicated misfit like me.

The extend of her subliminal manipulation only dawns on me right now. She found me when I was vulnerable, insecure and lonely - and she kept me in this state to make it impossible for me to leave. She told our friends I was difficult and then told me that our friends said mean things about me behind my back. When I reacted with sadness she could offer me a shoulder to cry on. She could reassure me that she will never leave me, that she will stay with me always... .

I don't want to paint the whole relationship black. There were joyful times and moments but in the grand schme of things my whole adult feels like it was build on a lie. I feel betrayed, shocked, hurt and most of all angry. I never want to have a person like her in my life again.

How are the friends and family taking these accusations?  I'm sure there must be some who know you well enough to not believe these things.  Especially if they were close to the situation.  Let's hope so.  :)o her actions affect you directly regards your work or other important areas of your life?

Since I have already been isolated for years from our mutual friends there are two camps: 1) The former friends I shared with my ex who are almost unanimously on her side and who aren't even willing to listen to my point of view. 2) The friends I don't share with her who believe me. So I am only losing the people who have been lost to me already. Still it hurts to realize in retrospect that I allowed her to shape their views about me for years. It also hurts because these friends are also turning against K. who has never been as isolated as I have been.

And yes... .my work and health have been affected by her behaviour over the last few months. I suffer from insomnia, migraines, constant fatigue and other problems and struggle to keep up with the pace of my former life. This is the main reason why I decided to reach out to find help and people who have gone through similar situations. I haven't started therapy yet but I plan to in the long run (maybe even with K.).

Try to not concern yourself with the impressions others have as long as you know the truth.  Only those people who really matter to you are worth convincing if they're being led in their opinions by her.  You and your new partner have each other, which must be a comfort.

Thank you for this advice! I try no to concern myself too much with what other people think. I think I am mostly preoccupied with the realization that she must have bad-mouthed me for years - that she basically prepared the perfect ground to portray herself as the victim and me as the unstable, self-absorbed young wife on a constant ego trip.

Thank you very much for asking these questions, Harley. Answering you has really helped me to understand my situation better. I plan to educate myself more about BPD and codependency to heal from my experience.

I am torn about what point I am at. On one hand, I feel so angry, hurt and shell-shocked - on the other hand I can't wait to move on and lead the life I always wanted to leave, to be free from emotional abuse and exploitation, to become the self-reliant, happy person I am meant to become.

I read the article about the stages of grief but I really don't know which one applies to me right now. Do you have any advice how I could determine this?

Many greetings and thanks again for reaching out - you helped me a lot.

~Wolfsocks

[Harley Quinn]

You're welcome.  I'm glad you found it helpful to think and write about these things.  That's the beauty of this site.  Sometimes sharing and getting feelings out of your system onto a page can really help.  Especially that it's with people who know what you're going through, and particularly if you have felt oppressed and silenced.  I for one find that getting my thoughts out there to be heard is very freeing after what I've experienced.  It's cathartic.

I concentrated on the organisational side of things and did not let her drag me to the emotional side (and try she did). Complete NC has only been a week but my boundaries in our conversations have been very clear for about two months. I don't respond to drama and leave the conversation when she insults me.

It's great to hear that you're thinking about boundaries.  One of the key skills many of us can work on is to define and maintain these in order to move forwards into healthier relationships.  How does she react when you end the conversation?  :)o you get push back?  An article I found really helped me when dealing with my son's father is this one on BIFF (brief, informative, friendly, firm).  You may find it useful if you need to deal with her further regards legalities.  It can prevent you getting drawn in to any drama or unrelated issues, by keeping it short and to the point in a non confrontational way.  Well worth a read.

And yes... .my work and health have been affected by her behaviour over the last few months. I suffer from insomnia, migraines, constant fatigue and other problems and struggle to keep up with the pace of my former life. This is the main reason why I decided to reach out to find help and people who have gone through similar situations. I haven't started therapy yet but I plan to in the long run (maybe even with K.).

It's so great that you've reached out and taken this positive step for yourself.  Have you seen a doctor and explained what you're experiencing?  It is worth talking to as many support services as you can.  I speak from experience.  My BPD r/s was emotionally and physically abusive and what I discovered when I hit rock bottom was that there is a lot of help out there if you seek it.  My GP was fantastic and I secured counselling from a local women's centre which will last as long as I need it.  There is also a referral in for trauma focused CBT and I'm in receipt of other therapies.  I had a DV advocate who was a wonderful help with so many things including legal help and home security.  The DV support service enrolled me on a 12 week recovery from abuse programme, which was incredibly helpful and enlightening.  I met many other strong women who had gotten out of similar experiences.  Some remain friends of mine.
 
From reading all that you describe that you've been through, I'd agree that therapy is a very sensible decision.  The effects of such long term isolation and the other behaviours you've described can remain with you if not worked through.  I'd encourage you to free yourself of these so that you can truly move forwards into the life that you desire.  We are also here for you whenever you need to talk and the Learning board is a great place to further explore when you've posted more than 10 times.

On one hand, I feel so angry, hurt and shell-shocked - on the other hand I can't wait to move on and lead the life I always wanted to leave, to be free from emotional abuse and exploitation, to become the self-reliant, happy person I am meant to become.

You have a good awareness of where you've been and where you want to go, which is a great place to start.  Feeling the anger and hurt at what you've endured is good and we must allow ourselves to feel these things so that they can pass.  You will probably find that your emotions will change and sometimes re surface for a while, which is normal.  This ties into your question around the stages of grief.  We can be in between one stage and another, and may move around the stages in a different order to that shown.  That's OK.  Sometimes we take a step back and that's OK too.  I found I bounced around.  Everyone works through this process differently and at their own pace.  

The key is to acknowledge if we get stuck at any point.  It's easy to get stuck in anger and resentment for an extended time, which is why it's important to let the feelings come and equally let them go.  Healing takes time.  It has been 10 years and was your first experience of a relationship so you have much to process.  It can be a long journey and one well worth taking.  :)etaching and healing properly will make all the difference in how you move on.  I'd say getting that support network in place will also help you a great deal on this.  

Try to be patient and kind with yourself now.  Take good care of you and start to take little steps towards rebuilding yourself, your confidence and the joy in your life.  These steps add up.  It may seem daunting at times and we can also see this as an exciting opportunity to create what we would aspire for our lives to look like.  Like a blank book just waiting for us to write our new story.  You can now choose what to write without someone else holding the pen.

Do let us know if you need direction to any particular information you're seeking.  There are real goldmines of knowledge in articles and workshops here on the site, so we can point you in the right direction.

It can be hard picking up the pieces after feeling like you've been exploited in some way and we can easily fall into a victim mentality after taking such knocks.  I hear optimism and determination in your words about changing your life for the better and securing a happy future.  Kudos for this outlook and keep those thoughts present in your mind!  

Love and light x