SD asks about mom's drinking

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

On a recent car trip, my 6 y/o SD asked me if my favorite place in the whole world was a wine bar. I told her I do not drink wine, to which she replied that she doesn't drink wine either because it makes kids sick. I said "Can I tell you a secret? Wine makes everyone sick." And then she started telling me all about how her "mum mum" (our pwBPD) drinks every day and has tummy troubles all the time and she wants to tell her to be healthy.

Yesterday she told me that she doesn't want her mum to drink anymore because she "has tummy troubles" and when mum has tummy troubles SD cannot have friends over to play and has to stay inside all day.

What do I do? My instinct is to report it to CPS.

[RiverGal87]

On a recent car trip, my 6 y/o SD asked me if my favorite place in the whole world was a wine bar. I told her I do not drink wine, to which she replied that she doesn't drink wine either because it makes kids sick. I said "Can I tell you a secret? Wine makes everyone sick." And then she started telling me all about how her "mum mum" (our pwBPD) drinks every day and has tummy troubles all the time and she wants to tell her to be healthy.

Yesterday she told me that she doesn't want her mum to drink anymore because she "has tummy troubles" and when mum has tummy troubles SD cannot have friends over to play and has to stay inside all day.

What do I do? My instinct is to report it to CPS.

[Turkish]

In my experience,  CPS may be inside everyone's business,  even if you report. In my jurisdiction,  CPS has an anonymous hotline.  You may want to start there. 

Do you feel that SD6 is on danger?

[livednlearned]

Hi RiverGal87,

What a heartbreaking conversation to have with your SD6.

My ex was an alcoholic and that alone was enough to destroy our family. I'm so sorry you have to be dealing with this as a step parent.

What is your current custody arrangement with SD6?

Do you want to pursue more custody and visitation?

If so, there may be ways to shine light on the situation without involving CPS.

I learned over the years that understanding exactly how the system works can lead to more effective outcomes. My court order specified that ex was not to drink before or during visitation, and of course he did. It's a hard thing to prove, unless you put the child in a difficult position.

Is SD6 in counseling? If not, and you would like her to get some support, might there be a guidance counselor or family specialist at school?

This could give you the kind of proof that is otherwise hard to find.

I think it is common for BPD parents to coach the kids to say nothing, or lie. You may only get one bite at the apple, so if there is a place to get this documented by a third-party professional that is not CPS, that starts a trail before CPS is even involved.

It might be worth talking to an L (sometimes consultations are free, or a few hundred dollars depending on where you live).

Usually our cases don't bear much fruit until there is a pattern of behaviors that are well-documented by third-party professionals.

How does your H feel about the comments?