Adult daughter shattering broken family

[cocopho]

Learning skills never before considered or understood.
This site provides detailed action planning.
Mostly geared to dissipating Drama triangles.
Much anonmosity and confusion, blame, judgements have been escalating within the family due to daughters most recent (and violent) breakup with her last boyfriend.
She has claimed sexual abuse on his part, a horrifying situation.
But ultimately, he was gone and two months later she attacked me for not caring.
An outrageous confabulation.
Has drawn my son into the matter as "rescuer".
He became furious with me, in spite of our remarkable relationship.
He became her messenger and voice.
Was griefstricken for months,  regained my sensibility and self esteem, thanks to information on these boards, particularly Kaufman Dramas.
Have apologized to my daughter for engaging in a struggle with her regarding "HER FEELINGS ABOUT THE MATTER".
Told her that she has every right to her own feelings, I will always do my best to provide empathetic support, (even if I have done so, already.)
My goal is to move into the center, abstain from feeling victimized by false allegations.
Willing to listen to those false claims without emotional response.
Obviously, this last part is for me to know, not to discuss with my BPD PhD Psychologist daughter.
I hope I am not too late in learning the only sane method of dealing with the incessant blame of three decades.
Would not be surprised if she picks right up on my change of attitude and disappears, in search of more productive (destructive) BPD TRIANGLES with less informed and more maliable persecutor/victims than myself.
I can only wonder if my new attitude and behaviors will help to strengthen our shattered family or bury it, no longer a viable source of emotional release, therefore useless.
Any thoughts?
Personal experiences with similar situation?
I do love and admire my daughter, think the world of her, in spite of our decades of emotional crisis.
Good advice welcome and much appreciated!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Hi cocopho

Welcome to the site!  I feel for you, triangles and blackening people to others in the family is just so extremely hurtful, even if not done intentionally to harm.

Have you spoken to your son about how this affected you and your relationship with him?  I think that its definitely ok for you to have a conversation with him about it, not to blame your daughter or talk about her, but to just explain to him directly how you feel and how this affected you - you are a person too!  A book that helps me a ton in this kind of situation is the NVC, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. 

I think that your caring and stability will continue to be valuable to your daughter even if the triangle no longer exists, and that even if she pulls away for some time, she is likely to come back for the genuine caring and support.  It might be important to allow her to distance herself for a while, without rejecting her for it. My dds definitely pulled away and temporarily I think devalued our relationship, and then returned to valuing it even though some things in the past they felt really hurt by. 

Good luck with your daughter, and take care of yourself!

[incadove]

Hi cocopho - one other note real quick, I was in a hurry before, and I didn't really talk about something I hope others will also chime in on - even though family is really central, I hope you have friends and meaningful things you can find outside of the family drama to turn to?  That can be just a lifesaver, and a source of strength to be there in a stable way in an unstable family situation.  Its not selfish to pursue outside interests or friendships!  its really to the benefit of family in the long run, I think there are a lot of folks on this forum who can speak to that.  So give yourself permission to find solace in the company of people away from the family, and to heal yourself.

Best,

 

[Wanttounderstand]

Cocopho - Learning to listen to false claims without emotional engagement is very healthy for you and your family. Not being part of the triangle does not make you useless, it makes you sane. Let your daughter take that elsewhere - maybe a counselor? You do not have to be a punching bag to stay relevant. Good for you for learning a new way of dealing with the awful circumstances of being a parent to a BPD daughter. I so understand what you are dealing with.

[cocopho]

Funny thing about that.
SHE BECAME A PhD psychologist.
She is the expert.

[cocopho]

Hi cocopho

Welcome to the site!  I feel for you, triangles and blackening people to others in the family is just so extremely hurtful, even if not done intentionally to harm.

Have you spoken to your son about how this affected you and your relationship with him?  I think that its definitely ok for you to have a conversation with him about it, not to blame your daughter or talk about her, but to just explain to him directly how you feel and how this affected you - you are a person too!  A book that helps me a ton in this kind of situation is the NVC, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. 

I think that your caring and stability will continue to be valuable to your daughter even if the triangle no longer exists, and that even if she pulls away for some time, she is likely to come back for the genuine caring and support.  It might be important to allow her to distance herself for a while, without rejecting her for it. My dds definitely pulled away and temporarily I think devalued our relationship, and then returned to valuing it even though some things in the past they felt really hurt by. 

Good luck with your daughter, and take care of yourself!

[cocopho]

well, I blew the whole situation to hell and back into my lap.
neither adult child will communicate with me.
Cried myself sick yesterday, unable to work, crawled into bed.
I sent angry e-mails to my BPD PhD. psychologist daughter, today.
She is your worst nightmare. A highly functioning Mental Health practitioner, who happens to be at the top of the spectrum.
Has done her best to have me diagnosed as such, without success.
In fact, because I am not now , nor never will be her patient, I have fantasies of reporting her spread of rumors about the BPD I do not have to the state agency responsible for disciplinary action.   
Looking, in earnest for a local group or therapist (which I am likely unable to afford).
I have never felt so damaged.
I am without a SO to share feelings and do not wish to burden local cousins.
They have their hands full with other matters.
Anyone know of a national group that may sponsor local support groups?

Son has not responded to message, therefore I can only speculate that he is rescuing his 34 year old manipulative older sister again, or taking a time out for his own good.
None of the good advice on these boards, particularly those with clever acronyms, are very convincing to me right now.

[Bright Day Mom]

Hi Cocopho- Sorry to hear what you are going thru.  I am at work so I can't spend too much time, but wanted to recommend you contact your local NAMI (National Alliance On Mental Illness) office.  They offer various groups, classes, workshops for FREE!   You may be able to make some really good connections with others in similar circumstances.

[cocopho]

I am not ready to forgive and forget.
I am furious with my son for cutting me out of his life, so vehemently.
Based on his older sister’s lies.
I have been hurt beyond words. Literally crying my eyes out every day. NOTHING.
No response.
Today, I lashed out and told him I was disposing of his possessions, he was storing in my home.
That he was barred from entering our gated community as were his friends.
I told him that my living heart was more important than his dead memories and the materials he was storing from his business in my basement and closets.
His Sister is BPD and she has caused this horrifying rift. Yet I hold him accountable as he is 28 and we have always been close.
He claims that he must detach due to his therapy.
But this is NO CONTACT AND LOTS OF BLAME.
I am helpless, therefore furious.
I am out of control and suffering a devestating depression as result of this matter.
I have no SO.
I can’t lay this on friends. I am almost 70 years of age. My friends and cousins have their own problems.
I am now without family. My ex abandoned our family 2x.
I am taking meds for anxiety, barely getting by.

[incadove]

Hi Cocopho

Sorry to hear how painful this must be for you, when a family member goes no contact it is very depressing.  This never fully happened to me with my dd's but recently my father did this without a clear explanation and it caused depression along with bitterness and many negative feelings.

I would urge you though if you have not disposed of his things yet, to instead place them somewhere safe outside of your house.  Its often better not to act on our genuine and authentic feelings of betrayal, bitterness and anger, because later the actions do even more damage and I think increase depression.

I am really sorry to hear you have no other close family, if you are in the grip of depression try to take some concrete steps to break out, like getting a physical massage.  It helps.  Everyone has different ways of finding solace, for me reading, singing, art are helpful even if i'm alone, and friends are good even if you don't tell them the problems.  Detachment will come, it will just take time. 

Sheila Zaretsky's book reaching the unreachable child has a lot about handling negative emotion that I really liked, also all the resources here are helpful. 

I'm sorry to hear how awful this is, you must be very deeply wounded.  I hope it gets better.
 

[cocopho]

Thank you for the kind support. My son further explained to me that his withdrawal is unrelated to Sister’s NC status. He is taking a few weeks to clear his mind and take care of himself. He is working with a terrific therapist. I misunderstood and believed he was abandoning me as a show of support for his older Sister’s detachment. I am very relieved to understand that he values our relationship, but needs self care time out. As to my daughter, I have sent an e-mail suggesting she consider the possibility of BPD, as a highly functioning psychologist who is succeeding so well in reaching her goals in a multitude of challenges, but finding only pain and discord in her personal relationships. Men come and go from her life on a regular basis. She has them move into her place before we know their names. Then the steady routine of argument and criticism  begin shortly after a honeymoon phase. I experienced decades of her heightened sensitivities, quick temper, roller coaster, but had no idea what it was. Now, I have finally suggested BPD and she freaked out, turning it right back on me. I am going to let her run her own life. Grateful to have my son back.
PS: I never touched his things. I would not have been able to hurt him.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Cocopho

I'm so pleased your son has reached out to you and has shared he is taking good care of himself.  

Taking care of ourselves is key, I'm glad you are here with us, we learn together  

Keep posting, talking it through helps.

WDx

[incadove]

Hi cocopho

Very happy and relieved for you!  At work so this is brief but just wanted to send my best wishes for peace and progress for you!