Adult daughter with BPD traits - emotional, dishonest & verbal attacks

[Momofthebride]

My adult daughter with traits of BPD ( she has never been clinically diagnosed) just gave birth to her second child. Her personality change became significantly evident after her marriage 5 years ago. I was my daughter’s maid of honor as we were extremely close. After her wedding, I suddenly became the “enemy” and I could not understand why? She was somewhat close to me during her first pregnancy but turned on me right after his birth 3 1/2 years ago. She would not include me in any details of her second pregnancy and would not allow my husband and I to visit her or the baby in the hospital, following the birth of her second child, 2 months ago. Her husband is co-dependent and appears to prefer that my daughter remains distant and disconnected from her family. We have received a lot of professional guidance from excellent therapists. We live in different states and do not have much contact with each other. When we keep our distance, our daughter texts or emails us sending photos of her family without text. We know she wants to maintain contact with us but each time we have been together for any occasion she has blown up at us with verbal accusations and attacks about things that seems twisted in her mind. Visits are no longer planned or discussed even when we are in her home state. My husband and I. as well as our other 2 adult children will not permit verbal abuse from our daughter suffering with traits of BPD. Sadly our daughter was not invited to her sister’s wedding as verbal attacks and hostile behavior prior to the wedding a couple of months ago left the bride to be with a very heartbreaking choice for her day.

Our daughter also uses Facebook posting messages to receive validation for her behavior in addition to reaching out to extended family to “replace” her family of birth. This behavior has also been very disturbing to members of our extended family who know us well and cannot make sense of her motivation or behavior.We are concerned about our daughter. She is a married adult wife and mother and as much as we would like her to seek therapy we know it is not our area of responsibility. We do not know how to proceed in having a relationship with our daughter... .we love her and want to help her although we have distanced ourselves when she verbally attacks each member of our family with delusional stories about our behavior. She has not engaged in self injurious behavior or physical aggression. I know she is struggling terribly with emotional dysregulation. How do we as a family help her without subjecting ourselves to dishonest accusations and verbal attacks?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[3joys]

Similar situation here as far as replacing family with friends and Facebook validation. Verbal attack’s and lying have been a regular occurrence since the age of 13. My child turns 24 in a few weeks.

[FaithfulHope]

Hi Momofthebride,   My DD, 25, was diagnosed with BPD a couple months shy of 18.   She has been lying to me without a shred of remorse probably as long as she has been able to talk.  I first discovered it when she was 8.   It's very hard to have a close relationship with someone who lies and manipulates the truth.   Mine also uses social media to make passive aggressive digs at me and my husband.   Nothing is ever her fault.   She is always the victim no matter what she does.   My daughter lives with us... .its not easy but I am now trying to avoid conflict and learn how to validate her in our conversations just to keep it peaceful.   I am sorry your DD hurts your family.   I know the feeling of attending events with a missing family member.   I hate that feeling.   BPD hurts the whole family.   But I am thankful for this site and the support.

[Momofthebride]

Thank you FaithfulHope and 3Joys for sharing your experiences and responses. It helps to know that others are also trying to be hopeful and find a way to navigate this situation. I am very fortunate that our immediate family is so close and supportive of one another along this challenging journey although extended family are very confused and at times quite judgmental . I want to be there for my daughter and her family yet I have learned that it cannot be at the expense of myself or my well being. I am devouring whatever research and resources I can get my hands on however I do not want to make this topic an obsession in my otherwise content life with my husband, son, daughter and grandchildren. It's one day at a time and I can accept that for what it is. It has been the first difficult step I have had to complete in order to move forward.