My statement and an update on sentencing.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone! For those playing along at home, sentencing was Friday. I did indeed finish my statement - I'm sorry for whining and moaning here and then disappearing! I am fairly content with what I ended up submitting.

"Good afternoon. I apologize for not attending this sentencing in person. I am not comfortable doing so. Please don't interpret this as a lack of caring or concern, I am grateful for the opportunity to put a few thoughts into words. I want the court to understand that on the other side of the events of July 12, 2017 is a real person, and that the actions of Mr. (insert name) on that day have damaged me in ways both physical and emotional that will take a considerable amount of time from which to recover.

The physical damage is the easiest for me to summarize and discuss. My injuries that day included a broken nose, lacerations to my face, scalp, legs and feet, a broken front tooth, and a concussion. There is a muscle that runs down the side of the nose and attaches to the corner of the nostril before extending to the upper lip. It is responsible for lifting the corner of the mouth and nostril when smiling or grimacing. Mine was severed in 2 places and damaged by impact, causing marked asymmetry in my facial features when I smile or laugh. Initially this paralysis was considerable, for several weeks I resembled a stroke or Bells Palsy patient with the right side of my face sagging considerably when smiling. I quickly recovered some movement in my upper lip, but the muscle still does not lift my nostril normally at rest or during facial animations, and therefore has affected my appearance. This has improved slightly, and I have hope that it might continue to do so - though I have been warned that I likely will never recover full mobility. I have spent a lot of time in front of my mirror practicing making different facial expressions in ways that minimize this flaw, but when I find myself smiling spontaneously or laughing I am aware of the "pull" of the right side failing to lift normally. The day of the incident I had stitches to close a laceration that ran from the corner of my eye down the side of nose and is approximately an inch in length. This has developed into a fairly visible raised scar. I have had steroid injections to help this flatter, as well as a laser treatment procedure to help the scar fade. With time the appearance of the scar should continue to lessen, but it will always be visible to some extent.

10 days after the incident I underwent the first surgical procedure to attempt to straighten the bridge of my nose. This helped some, but there is still a marked bowing to the left as well as damage to the septum that is causing significant breathing issues. During my upcoming holiday break, I will be having another surgery to restraighten the bridge of my nose, repair the septum, and lift the corner of the nostril so that it will be more symmetrical sat rest. I will also be having my broken front tooth fixed that wee. I have a wonderful surgeon and cosmetic dentist and am hopeful that when they are finished the impact on my appearance will be relatively minimal. I am incredibly grateful for their efforts. But it will have been a painful and lengthy process requiring no fewer than 4 procedures including 2 not insignificant surgeries.

I am still coming to terms with the extent of the emotional damage this has caused and am considerably less comfortable talking about it, but I will try. I feel confused, damaged, and heartbroken. I still have no memory of the assault, and the degree of internal conflict that comes as a result of waking to that amount of physical injury without a corresponding memory of events is immense. I have been told by my therapist that this lack of memory is a blessing, and I suppose in some ways it is. But it also means I am left with all of the questions. What did I do? Was I scared? Did I know what was happening? Did it hurt? I waffle between hoping that some of these memories return so that I have my answers, and being afraid that they will and having to live with whatever that awareness brings with it. I guess time will tell.

I function day to day and continue to put one foot in front of the other. But I am different. I am less trusting of myself and less trusting of others. I second guess my interactions, frequently wondering if my intent will be misunderstood or cause someone pain. I shy away from doing the kinds of things with and for people that I wouldn't have given a second thought previously. I frequently find myself over thinking how to relay even simple thoughts as I anticipate potential conflict. I never feel like I can let down my guard and just BE. I am grateful that I have many amazing friends who are willing to continue to put up with me as I struggle through this. Those friends and my wonderful children have kept me out in the world and engaged, and I have colleagues who have rallied to keep me propped up at work. There are no words to express how grateful I am for that. I am trying, I really am. I put on a smile and I laugh at the appropriate times. But I always feel different. Different than I used to be, and different from everyone else. It feels impossible to explain these feelings to to somebody who hasn't been through something similar - and nobody I know has been through something similar. I feel very lonely most of the time as though I am experiencing life from behind a sliding glass door. I am there, but I am also separate. I look forward to a time when these feelings ease. I do believe that I will feel happiness again, but these past few months have been extraordinarily difficult.

Thank you for the opportunity to be heard."

I decided not to attend in person, I knew beyond all doubt that it was not something I could handle that day. And quite frankly, not making decisions in my emotional best interest is how I got into this mess in the first place! The judge signed off on the exceptional injury and approved the sentence. According to the advocate my ex stood up and talked about "I'm so sorry... ." blah blah blah and mentioned my statement in that speech. All in all I was fairly content with how it went.

AND THEN... .the other shoe kinda fell. I came home and a friend texted that a new document had been filed by the defense containing a sterilized version of "his story". And he emailed it to me... .basically I have been cast as the crazy ex girlfriend who showed up unannounced and started an argument after he had been taking care of his sick son all week and hadn't been taking his medication because of financial hardship. He claims to have impulsively lost his temper, striking me one time. When he realized what he had done he immediately called for help and has been incredibly remorseful.

I'm not sure why it bothered me as much as it did at the time, but I was REALLY bothered. I was bothered because I submitted all of my text message history which clearly shows that he asked me to come over to take his son for the day. Upset because arguing with him was the last thing I wanted. Upset because I had hoped that this event would be significant enough (he has never faced the full consequences for his behavior before) for him to be serious about taking responsibility and getting to the bottom of his mental health issues. Upset because I know that he will get out of jail in 4 months and promptly begin telling everyone what a crazy, unstable, ex girlfriend I am. That will be the theme of the smear campaign. Upset that after everything I've been through, it isn't over yet - there WILL be a smear campaign. Friday evening and yesterday I was really quite unhinged.

And then I regained some equilibrium. OF COURSE he's going to throw me under the bus. Really the insanity is me thinking that maybe he wouldn't! And I guess if he's going to scapegoat me, it could be worse. At least he's not still saying he had to protect his son. At least he's not saying that I attacked him first.

But at least for now the legal part is over. I will get a transcript of the sentencing hearing tomorrow. I've requested the audio, that will be mailed on a CD and should arrive by the end of the week. I've issued a public disclosure request for everything in the case file so that I can view the complete police and witness statements as well as the pictures from the scene. I'm not sure when I will feel strong enough to open all of that, but I know I will eventually as I'm hoping it can start to fill in some of the blanks.

I'm grateful for all of you. Thank you for being the handful of people in my world who maybe haven't been through this EXACT thing, but who at least understand what it's like to be in chaotic, unstable relationships!

Lala

[Lalathegreat]

Hi everyone! For those playing along at home, sentencing was Friday. I did indeed finish my statement - I'm sorry for whining and moaning here and then disappearing! I am fairly content with what I ended up submitting.

"Good afternoon. I apologize for not attending this sentencing in person. I am not comfortable doing so. Please don't interpret this as a lack of caring or concern, I am grateful for the opportunity to put a few thoughts into words. I want the court to understand that on the other side of the events of July 12, 2017 is a real person, and that the actions of Mr. (insert name) on that day have damaged me in ways both physical and emotional that will take a considerable amount of time from which to recover.

The physical damage is the easiest for me to summarize and discuss. My injuries that day included a broken nose, lacerations to my face, scalp, legs and feet, a broken front tooth, and a concussion. There is a muscle that runs down the side of the nose and attaches to the corner of the nostril before extending to the upper lip. It is responsible for lifting the corner of the mouth and nostril when smiling or grimacing. Mine was severed in 2 places and damaged by impact, causing marked asymmetry in my facial features when I smile or laugh. Initially this paralysis was considerable, for several weeks I resembled a stroke or Bells Palsy patient with the right side of my face sagging considerably when smiling. I quickly recovered some movement in my upper lip, but the muscle still does not lift my nostril normally at rest or during facial animations, and therefore has affected my appearance. This has improved slightly, and I have hope that it might continue to do so - though I have been warned that I likely will never recover full mobility. I have spent a lot of time in front of my mirror practicing making different facial expressions in ways that minimize this flaw, but when I find myself smiling spontaneously or laughing I am aware of the "pull" of the right side failing to lift normally. The day of the incident I had stitches to close a laceration that ran from the corner of my eye down the side of nose and is approximately an inch in length. This has developed into a fairly visible raised scar. I have had steroid injections to help this flatter, as well as a laser treatment procedure to help the scar fade. With time the appearance of the scar should continue to lessen, but it will always be visible to some extent.

10 days after the incident I underwent the first surgical procedure to attempt to straighten the bridge of my nose. This helped some, but there is still a marked bowing to the left as well as damage to the septum that is causing significant breathing issues. During my upcoming holiday break, I will be having another surgery to restraighten the bridge of my nose, repair the septum, and lift the corner of the nostril so that it will be more symmetrical sat rest. I will also be having my broken front tooth fixed that wee. I have a wonderful surgeon and cosmetic dentist and am hopeful that when they are finished the impact on my appearance will be relatively minimal. I am incredibly grateful for their efforts. But it will have been a painful and lengthy process requiring no fewer than 4 procedures including 2 not insignificant surgeries.

I am still coming to terms with the extent of the emotional damage this has caused and am considerably less comfortable talking about it, but I will try. I feel confused, damaged, and heartbroken. I still have no memory of the assault, and the degree of internal conflict that comes as a result of waking to that amount of physical injury without a corresponding memory of events is immense. I have been told by my therapist that this lack of memory is a blessing, and I suppose in some ways it is. But it also means I am left with all of the questions. What did I do? Was I scared? Did I know what was happening? Did it hurt? I waffle between hoping that some of these memories return so that I have my answers, and being afraid that they will and having to live with whatever that awareness brings with it. I guess time will tell.

I function day to day and continue to put one foot in front of the other. But I am different. I am less trusting of myself and less trusting of others. I second guess my interactions, frequently wondering if my intent will be misunderstood or cause someone pain. I shy away from doing the kinds of things with and for people that I wouldn't have given a second thought previously. I frequently find myself over thinking how to relay even simple thoughts as I anticipate potential conflict. I never feel like I can let down my guard and just BE. I am grateful that I have many amazing friends who are willing to continue to put up with me as I struggle through this. Those friends and my wonderful children have kept me out in the world and engaged, and I have colleagues who have rallied to keep me propped up at work. There are no words to express how grateful I am for that. I am trying, I really am. I put on a smile and I laugh at the appropriate times. But I always feel different. Different than I used to be, and different from everyone else. It feels impossible to explain these feelings to to somebody who hasn't been through something similar - and nobody I know has been through something similar. I feel very lonely most of the time as though I am experiencing life from behind a sliding glass door. I am there, but I am also separate. I look forward to a time when these feelings ease. I do believe that I will feel happiness again, but these past few months have been extraordinarily difficult.

Thank you for the opportunity to be heard."

I decided not to attend in person, I knew beyond all doubt that it was not something I could handle that day. And quite frankly, not making decisions in my emotional best interest is how I got into this mess in the first place! The judge signed off on the exceptional injury and approved the sentence. According to the advocate my ex stood up and talked about "I'm so sorry... ." blah blah blah and mentioned my statement in that speech. All in all I was fairly content with how it went.

AND THEN... .the other shoe kinda fell. I came home and a friend texted that a new document had been filed by the defense containing a sterilized version of "his story". And he emailed it to me... .basically I have been cast as the crazy ex girlfriend who showed up unannounced and started an argument after he had been taking care of his sick son all week and hadn't been taking his medication because of financial hardship. He claims to have impulsively lost his temper, striking me one time. When he realized what he had done he immediately called for help and has been incredibly remorseful.

I'm not sure why it bothered me as much as it did at the time, but I was REALLY bothered. I was bothered because I submitted all of my text message history which clearly shows that he asked me to come over to take his son for the day. Upset because arguing with him was the last thing I wanted. Upset because I had hoped that this event would be significant enough (he has never faced the full consequences for his behavior before) for him to be serious about taking responsibility and getting to the bottom of his mental health issues. Upset because I know that he will get out of jail in 4 months and promptly begin telling everyone what a crazy, unstable, ex girlfriend I am. That will be the theme of the smear campaign. Upset that after everything I've been through, it isn't over yet - there WILL be a smear campaign. Friday evening and yesterday I was really quite unhinged.

And then I regained some equilibrium. OF COURSE he's going to throw me under the bus. Really the insanity is me thinking that maybe he wouldn't! And I guess if he's going to scapegoat me, it could be worse. At least he's not still saying he had to protect his son. At least he's not saying that I attacked him first.

But at least for now the legal part is over. I will get a transcript of the sentencing hearing tomorrow. I've requested the audio, that will be mailed on a CD and should arrive by the end of the week. I've issued a public disclosure request for everything in the case file so that I can view the complete police and witness statements as well as the pictures from the scene. I'm not sure when I will feel strong enough to open all of that, but I know I will eventually as I'm hoping it can start to fill in some of the blanks.

I'm grateful for all of you. Thank you for being the handful of people in my world who maybe haven't been through this EXACT thing, but who at least understand what it's like to be in chaotic, unstable relationships!

Lala

[ForeverDad]

Wow, I'm so sorry for your experience.   And I'm stunned that with all the injuries, surgeries and scars you sustained that he didn't even get a year as consequences.  And why are they so concerned about whether he gets deported for what he did?  Good riddance, though I must admit I'm usually on the Family Law board where seeking 'closure' isn't an option.

AND THEN... .the other shoe kinda fell. I came home and a friend texted that a new document had been filed by the defense containing a sterilized version of "his story". And he emailed it to me... .basically I have been cast as the crazy ex girlfriend who showed up unannounced and started an argument after he had been taking care of his sick son all week and hadn't been taking his medication because of financial hardship. He claims to have impulsively lost his temper, striking me one time... .  OF COURSE he's going to throw me under the bus. Really the insanity is me thinking that maybe he wouldn't! And I guess if he's going to scapegoat me, it could be worse.

For pwBPD ended relationships are typically cast as abusive ones.  Blame Shifting is not a surprise.  Don't let him make you doubt yourself.  If he ever breaks your No Contact order (I am sure you have one) then report it promptly.

Perhaps his history wasn't allowed in court, I think in most cases you can't refer to history or prior records, but he had a history of DV.  He had 8 cases of prior DV or protection orders on record?  He's a menace to the community, these months in jail may slow him down but won't stop him.

[Turkish]

If anyone doubts this,  I'd say,

"He says he struck me one time.  This resulted is these injuries: (bullet point them,  and it world be obvious his was a lie).

I'm glad you are safe right now.  I may not have shown up either,  and your letter says what need to be said. 

[formflier]

Lala,

I would encourage you to have a discussion with a civil lawyer about your options and potential outcomes.

A no-talk order is possible in civil.  Basically... .almost anything is possible in civil when negotiating a settlement.

I would ask the DA what's up with the statement he "submitted" to the court.  Is that an "opinion" thing or does it have the force of "sworn testimony"?

I would hope since this was done after sentencing that there would be a way to get him to "swear" that he hit you one time... .it should be fairly simple to get perjury after that.

Big picture, I'm trying to understand what's up with the statement or what "the play" is.  I would ask the DA if he can submit a statement post sentencing... can you?  Make sure the texts are submitted with the statement.

Your concerns about a smear campaign are valid... .I think there are ways to handle that.

Last:       Very proud of you for doing the statement and for having the insight about what you believed you could or couldn't handle on a particular day.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Lala,
I think you ought to be very content with what you submitted.  You did an excellent job describing the impact his attack had upon you.

I can totally understand how distraught you must have been to have read his sanitized version of events, just another reminder how unwilling he is to take responsibility for his own actions.

And as others have said, it's unfathomable that he isn't locked up for a decade or so, based upon his priors.

You've been so amazingly strong and resilient throughout this ordeal. Hopefully you will never cross paths with him again and you can put this all behind you.   

Cat

[AskingWhy]

Lala:  This is a very good letter and very clear in what you are stating.

I agree with FF on getting a very good lawyer to see what your rights are.

pwBPD are chameleons and con artists in front of judges.  

Check out some of the books by Bill Eddy.  He is a family lawyer and mediator, but he's also an LCSW and understands personality disorders.  

[Radcliff]

Lala, thank you so much for sharing your update with us.  You spoke so eloquently in your statement.  I'm glad you decided to do what you felt was best for you, and not go in person.  Sounds like you're glad, too.  It was natural to hope for the overall process to have been more affirming and offered a better closure, but not surprising that it didn't.  If it were a completely just world, of course, you wouldn't have suffered in the first place.  But you have done  a masterful job of controlling what you can control!  Your statement made it clear how much this has affected you, and that recovery is a long road.  But I hope for you that each day is better than the last, and that bit by bit all the freedom and enjoyment of life that you could possibly want come back to you.


WW