hope for tomorrow

[Lollypop]

 

I saw a sponsored video the other day on Facebook about communication. It showed a person throwing a ball to somebody else. They’d catch the ball and throw it back. I thought to myself how brilliant this was, such a simple way of demonstrating what a real conversation is supposed to look like between two people.

That wasn’t how my son and I used to interact. He’d be constantly moody, distant, pretending and of course lying. That was before dx at 24 and me finding this forum. I’d ask questions trying to reach him, any conversation was better than none (right?), not to pry but to try to be closer (at least that’s what I tell myself!)  - it didn’t work. The more I pushed the more he recoiled.

We are in a very different place now. He trusts us not to react to his moods, problems or bad choices -  if he decides to share them...

He moved out 5 weeks ago and I’m still amazed at how good our relationship is. I know it’s early days though. I’d expected a fall out and it hasn’t happened yet. He’s come home a few times for a quick meal when he’s been starving. He’s grumbled and shared about his relationship problems with a girl and also his friends. He’s been unwell and asked for emotional support. He’s asked for specific advice about his work. He shares himself, I listen and we throw the ball back to one another. It feels comfortable and it’s lovely when it happens. Despite all his problems, I’m happy because I’ve got my son “back” in the moment.

I’d never be in the situation without this forum and learning How to better communicate.  SET was my first key and it took me many months to sound natural.

Here’s a link if you want to read about it. I’m on my iPhone so can’t see the link button so you’ll need to copy/paste -sorry!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

My DS very slowly started to feel understood and this was the very beginning for us. Sometimes I’d post up an entire conversation here to get feedback on how I could improve. I’ve a tendency to be too wordy and I learnt to keep our conversations quite short in the early days.

There’s no doubt in my mind that my DS would not have been able to achieve all that he has without him feeling that he was emotionally supported. He’s come a very long way since dx at 24 as he sat in his bedroom having returned home (again) following a crisis and with no hope. How can we fix it for them? How can we make them be happy? The truth is we can’t - all we can do is try to be the parent they need and not necessarily the one they think they want.

They say you’re only as happy as your saddest child. I think this is true. Is my son happy? Im not sure but he’s definitely happier and so am I.

Oh yes I forgot - I set myself three long term goals to keep my focussed and not sweat the small stuff. I got me a plan - SET was my start.

Hugs

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Catch LP  

My daughter was never physically inclined, unlike me - forget catch, she was born with a pencil in her hand. That said she's a great communicator, despite all.

I find it interesting which tools work best for us. SET is one for you.  

We are not in conflict, boundaries are clear as mud. Listen with empathy and double validation are so powerful for us.

I agree with you our core relationship comes first, guess that means different things for each of us?

Bounce  

WDx

[Lollypop]

 

Oh yes, double empathy covered in chocolate!

It’s a fine line between sounding over the top and genuine - so quite often I hug as that’s the best form of empathy there is. As long as he feels understood and not judged my DS is able to move on from whatever extreme point he’s in.

Actually it’s what we all want and particularly on this forum.

My biggest problem I’ve found isn’t learning the techniques - it’s actually been keeping my mouth shut!

Ha ha

LP

Ps. It’s a good question. What do I mean by good core relationship? For us, it’s being open, honest and know that you’re safe to express yourself. Because he was so internally conflicted, making bad choices - he felt complete and utter shame and guilt. We have a better relationship - that doesn’t mean he’s thoughtful or loving (I don’t expect that any more) and it doesn’t mean that I love him so much I do things for him that he should do himself.

What does good core relationship look like for you WD?

[Feeling Better]

Lollypop, thanks again for sharing, I love reading your posts, I always gain something from what you have written.

[Feeling Better]

I don’t know what happened there, I wrote a much longer post but only the first line actually got posted! Weird! It’s nearly 1.00am here in the UK and now I’m too tired to rewrite it. Sorry x

[Feeling Better]

I will try again.

I just really want to say how nice it is to hear of successful outcomes, sometimes it feels as though this board is full of one heartbreaking story after another, so it is great to hear that there can be light at the end of the tunnel. You have put a lot of work in Lollypop and you deserve to feel happier, you have been through a lot.

I would also like to thank you for putting in the link for SET, I’m sure that I and many others here will find it extremely useful

[Lollypop]

Hi feeling better

I’ve lost so many posts and sometimes the fancy icons work and then don’t on my phone. Don’t worry about it, frustrating though when you lose your post or only get a bit of it appearing!

Yes for each one of us it’s an absolutely terrible situation and it’s difficult to see the light. I was in the darkness for far too long and I just gave up for a while. My DS gave up on me too. I look back and see that, for us, we did it for our own self-preservation. Grief for what I felt I’d lost took a long time to accept.

My DS has been asking for our support this last 7 days. It’s been good to see his dad step in and emotionally support him. They’ve had a poor relationship and in part due to me stepping in all the time and acting as a bridge - I was obstructing their relationship.

I don’t wake up in the morning thinking about my DS any more (we’ll, rarely). For me that shows me I’m balanced. Yes I’m doing ok.

I hope you get something from SET. Let us know what you think! It felt so unnatural for me at first and it took a while for me to sound like me and not wooden. How you finding it?

LP

[incadove]

  Lollypop - intercept :-)  I just wanted to agree wholeheartedly that honesty and ability to be open about what is real is so key.  I've told my dd that its ok, i always want to know what she is really doing or thinking, as there is no point in talking about something that isn't real!  I think out of everything, knowing we could be honest with each other even if its not always what we want to hear, has helped the most. 

I'm also in a good but not ideal place - hoping for different choices in the future, but accepting the present and communicating and being able to offer support and love is good for me right now. 

[Lollypop]

Hi incadove

I totally agree. Finding a way to live happier, despite the problems. For me, it’s honesty and hearing stuff I’d prefer not to hear and I try to accept. It’s a bit wierd! I could try and ignore it but then my DS doesn’t feel heard. Catch 22. As long as I recognise the line of responsibility I should be ok, got to stay attentive!

Hugs to you

LP

[wendydarling]

Ps. It’s a good question. What do I mean by good core relationship? For us, it’s being open, honest and know that you’re safe to express yourself. Because he was so internally conflicted, making bad choices - he felt complete and utter shame and guilt. We have a better relationship - that doesn’t mean he’s thoughtful or loving (I don’t expect that any more) and it doesn’t mean that I love him so much I do things for him that he should do himself.

What does good core relationship look like for you WD?

And I also agree honesty and openness, being present, mutual trust and respect. By approaching the relationship as a learning experience so that it continues to improve and change. DD's spoken at length how she feels, her disorders, it's been painful, heart breaking and scary for me to hear and accept the depth of her suffering, for her she feels understood, so much so I visibly see and hear her relief. Those conversations have become less 'intense' as time has moved on which reflects her slow recovery, managing her BPD.

Add lots of humour to oil the wheels.