New here - I'm an adult with a BPD mother and sht just hit the fan

[T24]

HI all - I'm new here and really hoping this can help. I'm a 43 yr old adult female with one sister who is 48. Her and I are very close and have grown up with a BPD mother. My father is an angel who has also had to deal with this the last 49 years. He's done everything he can to keep the family together all these years until this past April. IT's just my parents now at the house and things kept getting worse and worse between them with my mothers massive mood swings, criticism, taunting, etc. until my father snapped and has now left. We made my mother seek help (she had seen a therapist for 5 years and basically told her what she WANTED her to know, made herself look like a victim). And it wasn't until now that she finally was diagnosed with BPD which makes complete sense. It has been HELL since April with her, since she is non-stop with fighting with my sister and I, as well as her own 2 sisters.

Much more to the story, but since this happened in April, both my aunts, my father, my sister and myself have had to seek therapists. They've helped a little, but the relationship is so complex, it is hard for them to understand it all, since they go off textbooks.

I am here to get some support on how to deal with all of this. It is so overwhelming and life consuming for all of us - I feel like she is SLIGHTLY improving with some skills they are teaching her - but I also feel like its a volcano - it gets SO BAD and then after it settles and seems like things are getting better - thing slowly start to build up again.

It has taken over our lives and the anger, resentment yet love and concern are overwhelming to regulate. There is a constant pit in my stomach, this fear. I feel like we are all trapped in this prison, that we always have been and will be until the day she dies. I just need some emotional help. Thanks for listening.

[Struggles]

Hi Trisha,

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this.  I don't have any advice in the situation, but I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. 

My husband and I recently went NC with his mother, due to emotional abuse and her spreading horrible rumors about me.  Her behavior is a lot like your moms, the rage fits and then it would go back to normal and seem like it was getting better and then boom, another rage fit.  Before we even knew anything about BPD we would call it the cycle.  Sometimes you can tell when it's coming, other times it was out of nowhere. 

We (me, my husband, and his whole family), have always let things go back to normal after the hurtful words, boundary violations, est.  But we have all gotten sick of playing that exhausting game, and really tired of being abused.  My FIL is now to the point where your dad was.  We think he is thinking of leaving, but is scared too.  He has pulled away from her greatly, and doesn't know what to do.  He says he feels like he's lost the women he loved and doesn't know how to get her back.  The sad thing is, my husband hopes he does leave her because he knows his dad will have a happier and healthier life.  He's been in and out of the hospital, and we know it's due to stress. 

The important thing is to know your limits, when you have to take a breather for your own sanity, and try not to feel guilty for that.  You will, but know that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.  It's like when a plane is crashing, they tell you to secure your mask first.  If you are too busy securing someone else's mask, you may pass out before even helping them, and then neither party was saved.  I know it sounds like a crazy example, but that's how my husband and I describe it. 

Sending lots of prayers for hope and peace your way!  Keep posting.  This has been an excellent outlet for me to write my feelings out with people who truely understand because they are going through the same things. 

[ijustwantpeace]

I feel bad for you.  Waiting for her to die is no way to live your life.  Is it possible to move away?  Distance can create a sence of certainty.