Twisted in knots

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Dear members, tonight is a hard one for me, so I’m leaning on your support to get through. My uBPDh is quietly raging, splitting me black. We are currently away for his business trip, I’m accompanying him to most of them, as he stays away for weeks at a time. With his more then obvious diagnosis, time spent apart is proven to be detrimental to our relationships that I’ve worked so hard to save and keep. My parents drove out with our eldest daughter for the holidays. I got to spend some time with them and our children, while he worked. Whenever we are with children and I’m spending the time with anyone else but him, he gets emotionally disregulated and unstable. When I come to him and try to engage him in a conversation, he replies “go do whatever you were doing before, e.g. go watch s movie, do your things and so on”. So extreme that when I do any kind of household chores without paying attention to him and his needs he splits on me. For the past 4 days that my family visited he’s been okish... .putting on a united front for my parents and our kids to see. Tomorrow their visit is coming to an end. They are driving back, taking our children with them. I’m petrified to stay with him alone. He already started the emotional abuse, “I don’t want to sleep with you, look at you, we have nothing in common, you aren’t doing anything for me here, can you just disappear and go back with them?”.
It never looses its power on me, I’m on a verge of tears. Having to be degraded to an object, judged solemnly by its usefulness is disheartening. My first reaction is to leave tomorrow. To tell him to go $&« himself and leave. Go nc on him, and see him struggle to get through the day as I know he will. I want to hurt him as much as he is hurting me. I want him to feel the pain and agony to have someone that you love, care and take care of tell you that you are nothing for them and that I don’t want him around me. I’m hurting. I know it’s the victimization in me taking, it’s the codependency talking, but even if I wasn’t codependent or self induced victim, these words coming from anyone is hurtful.
I’m validating his feelings: set
I know you are upset
If I came after a long day from work and you were watching the movie we both wanted to watch without me, I’d be hurt too
I only watched bits and pieces as I was preparing our dinner, I would love to watch it again when you feel like it.
I refused to engage when he told me that he didn’t want to be with me or sleep with me, asking me to leave to the couch. I told him that I would be willing to turn around stay on my end of the bed. He chose to take the pillow and go downstairs.
When we have positive triangulation: my parents or our kids, he seems to be holding off to unleash the ugly. I’m afraid that with no real source of making myself happy, my friends or routine I’m spread so thin that my armour from jedaing is paper thin. I need the wisdom and all of our support, PLEASE

[snowglobe]

Dear members, tonight is a hard one for me, so I’m leaning on your support to get through. My uBPDh is quietly raging, splitting me black. We are currently away for his business trip, I’m accompanying him to most of them, as he stays away for weeks at a time. With his more then obvious diagnosis, time spent apart is proven to be detrimental to our relationships that I’ve worked so hard to save and keep. My parents drove out with our eldest daughter for the holidays. I got to spend some time with them and our children, while he worked. Whenever we are with children and I’m spending the time with anyone else but him, he gets emotionally disregulated and unstable. When I come to him and try to engage him in a conversation, he replies “go do whatever you were doing before, e.g. go watch s movie, do your things and so on”. So extreme that when I do any kind of household chores without paying attention to him and his needs he splits on me. For the past 4 days that my family visited he’s been okish... .putting on a united front for my parents and our kids to see. Tomorrow their visit is coming to an end. They are driving back, taking our children with them. I’m petrified to stay with him alone. He already started the emotional abuse, “I don’t want to sleep with you, look at you, we have nothing in common, you aren’t doing anything for me here, can you just disappear and go back with them?”.
It never looses its power on me, I’m on a verge of tears. Having to be degraded to an object, judged solemnly by its usefulness is disheartening. My first reaction is to leave tomorrow. To tell him to go $&« himself and leave. Go nc on him, and see him struggle to get through the day as I know he will. I want to hurt him as much as he is hurting me. I want him to feel the pain and agony to have someone that you love, care and take care of tell you that you are nothing for them and that I don’t want him around me. I’m hurting. I know it’s the victimization in me taking, it’s the codependency talking, but even if I wasn’t codependent or self induced victim, these words coming from anyone is hurtful.
I’m validating his feelings: set
I know you are upset
If I came after a long day from work and you were watching the movie we both wanted to watch without me, I’d be hurt too
I only watched bits and pieces as I was preparing our dinner, I would love to watch it again when you feel like it.
I refused to engage when he told me that he didn’t want to be with me or sleep with me, asking me to leave to the couch. I told him that I would be willing to turn around stay on my end of the bed. He chose to take the pillow and go downstairs.
When we have positive triangulation: my parents or our kids, he seems to be holding off to unleash the ugly. I’m afraid that with no real source of making myself happy, my friends or routine I’m spread so thin that my armour from jedaing is paper thin. I need the wisdom and all of our support, PLEASE

[formflier]

Can you be proactive and make plans to do something "out" with him after they leave.  If he goes bonkers... you go and do it anyway

I would stop "agreeing" (or validating that he is upset)...   I would ask him or try to identify a more specific emotion, if possible.

"I see you are upset... ."  could be upsetting, unless using that phrase consistently calms him.

Big picture.

Try to solve less things for him.  If he wants to sleep alone... .focus on getting a good nights sleep.

Let him do what he is going to do.

What can you do to listen to less of the stuff he is "tossing" at you?

FF

[snowglobe]

Can you be proactive and make plans to do something "out" with him after they leave.  If he goes bonkers... you go and do it anyway

I would stop "agreeing" (or validating that he is upset)...   I would ask him or try to identify a more specific emotion, if possible.

"I see you are upset... ."  could be upsetting, unless using that phrase consistently calms him.

Big picture.

Try to solve less things for him.  If he wants to sleep alone... .focus on getting a good nights sleep.

Let him do what he is going to do.

What can you do to listen to less of the stuff he is "tossing" at you?

FF

Dear @formflier, thank you for being here!
Point form
- the only reasonable plan I can make is for us to go out for dinner, as we will have to eat tomorrow at some point. I will have to go to his office, which isn’t peaceful or nice, but afterwards we will need to step out to grab a bite. Even if he refuses to go, I’ll still need to go out for groceries or take out
- when I asked him how he was feeling in the past, in the whole 17 years of living with him, I’ve never heard anything rather then “I’m fine, or I’m great”. From my observations of him, he was so severely beaten with a belt by his father every time he needed help or emotional support, he completely shut down his emotions. As with Paclov’s Dog, he can’t identify, recognize or label his emotions as it’s paired with severe psychological pain, physical pain and trauma. I’m no mind reader either, how can I label something he doesn’t know he is feeling?
Can you think of and throw me some suggestions on how to help him through it( very important and will be much appreciated)
- “I see you upset” doesn’t calm him, only adds to the fire, so any tool suggestions are apreciated
- when he said that he doesn’t want to sleep with me or see my face, did I do the right things of not leaving to the couch? He ended up taking his pillow and going downstairs. Thoughts?
- I can pick up a few books to read and download a movie to watch on Netflix. I can call my kids and take a short walk outside
I can call my friend and shut the door to talk to her. Do any of the above sound okeyish?

[formflier]

Ok... .if there are word tracks that are NOT working and you've tried them several times... .stop using them.

In general... .asking a disordered person whose feelings are all out of what "how are you feeling"?  is a fastball for them to hit out of the park and blame you and or head off to the races to dysregulate.

Likely better to say in a neutral to slightly friendly way "Hey... what's new?"  (see how that is much more of a blank canvas)? 

They may want to talk feelings or they may want to talk about a new thing they read on the internet.  Let them fill in the canvas.

I tend to think you did the right thing about the sleeping thing.  Can you give us a longer post of he said she said about how that went.  Give some background information as well.  Was he already upset about something else?

Big picture.  If they are upset... let them take action to fix their upset.  So, him taking pillow and going some where else was a good thing.  You didn't fix things for him.

Another way to look at it.  If it got so nasty that you needed to protect yourself, that is a different matter.  That's not fixing for him, that is a boundary for you. 

Looking forward to you next post.

FF

[5xFive]

Snowglobe,
I know you mentioned to me how similar our husbands seemed to you. I can’t help but see the similarities again here. I don’t have any advice but I here with you. Solidarity sister!
If you do figure out something that works for you THIS time, I would love to hear about it. My husband does this too- feels abandoned when I’m spending time with our children. Ours are so little 1 and 7 that he has to deal, but I can see it possibly becoming an issue as they grow. Today, he raged out of me bc I sat down at my desk to do a 2 minute task for work (I work from home so it is technically a work day for me). Not because I was working. But because I didn’t TELL him I was going to work. Now, we weren’t even in the same room when I sat down but somehow I was supposed to know that I needed to go in the other room to tell him that I was going to sit down for 2 mins. It didn’t even occur to me bc I KNEW it was going to be quick. But during that 2 mins he came looking for me and there I was working and he felt abandoned.
I hope things are calm for you today.

[snowglobe]

I tend to think you did the right thing about the sleeping thing.  Can you give us a longer post of he said she said about how that went.  Give some background information as well.  Was he already upset about something else?

Big picture.  If they are upset... let them take action to fix their upset.  So, him taking pillow and going some where else was a good thing.  You didn't fix things for him.

Another way to look at it.  If it got so nasty that you needed to protect yourself, that is a different matter.  That's not fixing for him, that is a boundary for you. 

Looking forward to you next post.

FF

Prior to him leaving our exchange went something like this:
Him playing on his phone and loosing as always: “can you please leave tomorrow with the kids? I don’t want to be with you. You don’t do anything for me here, you are empty space, I don’t want to sleep with you, can you go sleep elsewhere?”
Me: “I’m staying where I’m at, I can move to my side to give you a little more space”
Him: “ I don’t want the space, I want you out of the bedroom so I can sleep alone in peace and not seeing your $&?@ing face”
Me: no reaction or validation
Him: if you don’t leave, I will. (Grabbing the pillow and leaving) I want you gone tomorrow, understand? (Raising his voice) is that clear? Am I making myself clear? Are we on the same page?(exiting)
Me: silence
I woke up in the early hours to him breathing next to me, I don’t know what time he came back, likely cold and uncomfortable downstairs. As I tried to get the blanket under him, in a still angry voice he said: “ don’t you dare moving closer. Stay away from me”.
When I woke him up to go to work, he can hardly wake up on his own, so this caretaking to have him get ready for work has been going on for the past 10 years. Not only does he expect for me to wake him, he is constantly demanding a massage, nothing sexual just a deep tissue to get his blood flow, then I make Coffee and see him out of the door. This routine is crippling half of my day, as I wake up early with the kiddies, by the time I get him prepped up it’s 11ish in the best case.
Today when i woke him up and got him his coffee he proceeded “I want you gone” speech, which I tried to shift the conversation to other subjects such as dinner and etc. He kept on persisting, so I said: “ I really care about our marriage and love you, enough to ignore this nonsense” he continued to bait me, I just repeated the same thing, he gave up eventually and left for work with no further incident.
Side observation: I wasn’t coming with him to the office, or making myself useful there, our sex life was somewhat affected by s10 being there with us. My uBPDh came home tired and LAte, by the time s10 fell asleep So did uBPDh. With kids being gone it will Be a trying time.
Thoughts?

[formflier]

Snowglobe,

I'm still new to your story, so I want to make sure I have this right.

In the evening he is hateful to you and in the morning you take responsibility for getting him up and off to work.  Is he pleasant to you then?  It appears that he tosses some nasty stuff at you, but perhaps he is more pleasant to you then.

Is he usually nasty in the evening?

Is he normally pleasant in the morning? 

Can you tell me how he normally asks for massage?  Coffee?

What happens if you don't get his coffee or give him a massage?  Does he get PT or do stretches and exercises for his blood flow?  (I have lots of physical disabilities, so do lots of massage, stretching and light exercise to keep myself going)

Oh... .and, if you don't know... .my wife is paranoid and thinks I have a harem of chicks that I regularly get busy with.  I like coffee and I like massages... .so... .if you wanted to send in an application... .   

I can't remember the last time my wife brought me coffee and it is rare that she massages me.

Anyway... back to the story.

I'm suspicious that your acts of kindness are invalidating to him or somehow invokes shame.

I'm also forming an opinion that this is an entrenched pattern that needs to change, but isn't going to change easily, because you have essentially trained him to expect this for 10 years (did I get the 10 year part right).

What happens if you don't get him up?  Does he just miss work?

How often does he sleep alone or get himself up?

We'll get this sorted out for you.  Hang in there.

FF

[SlyQQ]

Until you can emotionally distance yourself from his actions and words you have little chance of success, initially it may result in a severe backlash, cheating on you or leaving you painting you black etc, but as long as he knows he can get a reaction from you, things like this will happen , recognizing this for what it is may help.

It is the only way you can start getting back control of your life, and may eventually lead to a grudging respect an some compliance, or not.

[snowglobe]

In the evening he is hateful to you and in the morning you take responsibility for getting him up and off to work.  Is he pleasant to you then?  It appears that he tosses some nasty stuff at you, but perhaps he is more pleasant to you then.
Is he usually nasty in the evening?
Is he normally pleasant in the morning? 
Can you tell me how he normally asks for massage?  Coffee?
What happens if you don't get his coffee or give him a massage?  Does he get PT or do stretches and exercises for his blood flow?  (I have lots of physical disabilities, so do lots of massage, stretching and light exercise to keep myself going)
Oh... .and, if you don't know... .my wife is paranoid and thinks I have a harem of chicks that I regularly get busy with.  I like coffee and I like massages... .so... .if you wanted to send in an application... .   
I can't remember the last time my wife brought me coffee and it is rare that she massages me.
I'm suspicious that your acts of kindness are invalidating to him or somehow invokes shame.
I'm also forming an opinion that this is an entrenched pattern that needs to change, but isn't going to change easily, because you have essentially trained him to expect this for 10 years (did I get the 10 year part right).
What happens if you don't get him up?  Does he just miss work?
How often does he sleep alone or get himself up?
We'll get this sorted out for you.  Hang in there.

FF

Dear @formflier,
Thank you so much for some light humour to lighten the mood, I’m stuck in “doom and gloom” mood.
I’ll answer in the same order you asked.
The evening time is when he disregulates the most. After a tiring and stressful day he sits on the couch, and plays on his phone. He talks to himself while playing, its mostly belittling or insulting comments directed at me. It’s as if he is having an imaginary conversation with someone, discussing me. It’s very upsetting, as of lately I leave the same room as soon as it starts. Last night he took his game to the bedroom, as I was falling asleep he was insulting me, asking me to repeat after him degrading and extremely graphic upsetting labels, that he thinks I am. I just calmly repeated the mantra, without changing my neutral tone of voice” we don’t speak to each other like this/this way/I know that you are upset about what happened at work, so I’m going to ignore nonsense that you are saying”. After 15 min or so of continuous excavation of the insults it suddenly stopped and he put the phone away and we fell asleep. Did I handle it correctly? Should I have left to another bedroom when he was doing that? Thoughts?
He is usually nastier in the evening. 5 our of 7 nights a week, rarely 4, he is dysregulating and insulting me.
Mornings are usually little better because I’m responsible for waking him up. Little background story; when I was pregnant with our son who is 10 now, I have complicated pregnancy. UBPDh was concerned with my health and always being tired, so he suggested for me to go on mat leave early. We had an agreement for me to stay home till our youngest turned 4. My small salary was just high enough to cover the daycare cost for 2 children, thus making it pointless financially. We thought that once our s goes to preschool, I could come back to work. Later, at the age 2.5 our s was diagnosed with ASD. In order to cope with his diagnosis and arrange for therapy we decided that I would again stay home. Once things started working out for our s, my husband’s income improved so much so that he said that “there isn’t any need for me to work”, and I can resume my studies that I longed so much for. I went back to school part time while taking care of kids, grocery shopping and ALL with no exception household chores. We don’t have any hired help, but he can afford it. At the time, all of the mentioned arrangements made sense financially, but little did I know that I’d be selling off my freedom for an opportunity to stay home. He stated numerous times: “the only thing I expect of you is to take good care of kids, not bug me with little things, and help me de stress”. All sound logical, so he could concentrate on building a successful business. The only clause that wasn’t explicitly discussed was “de stress”, which meant being a punching bag, whenever things went wrong for him. He used the same intimidation tactics then too, even worse. Saying that he would divorce me weekly, that I’m ugly and old (10 years him jr), that because I don’t initiate any sexual kinks that interest him, I’m boring in bed. He introduced hardcore drugs into our relationship. I quickly decided that I wasn’t participating, he, however used them in the past every time he would complicate things to the point of a dead end. He would then use the drug and gather the courage to apologize and make the move towards the reconciliation. It always went according to this scenario: 1)he splits me black, disengages,I try to “bring him back/save him”, he almost discards me, eventually I give up the attempts to save our relationships 2)he goes and solicits drugs, starts doing it on his own, or look for a company to do it with, comes back to me ashamed and extremely apologetic, professing his love, claims to be misunderstood, accuses me of giving up on me and not saving him, 3) I observe and listen, stay with him in the moment as much as I can, I know this moment of vulnerability isn’t lasting, 4)finally tired, I just pass out, he watches online porn till the drugs ran out 5) he is normal, nice even for a few days after, the after effects of the drugs are brutal on his health, he recoveres for a few days 6)little thing happens and he tips over again. Cycle repeats several times a year to 4 times in a bad year.

[snowglobe]

Mornings always go something like this:
I wake up before him always, make coffee, come back to our bedroom and massage his feet/body. When I just walk in and tell him to get up, he says “I need 5 min massage, can’t get up”. It’s rarely 5 min, he keeps on asking for more. He is pleasant, sometimes even strikes up a conversation. It usually lasts for 30 min to an hour. He then gets dressed and has his coffee, then leaves for work. I try to stay home when he is home, as he hates when I’m away. My parents help us drive the kids to extra curricular so I could spend time with him. If I’m shopping or doing something instead of being with him in the evening, upon my return he always rejects me “go do some more shopping, your nails done or etc”. Knowing this pattern I try to schedule my time so I do my errands while he is at work or otherwise occupied.
When asking for massage, he just says “I need 5 min massage, Coffee”, in instances when I don’t do it, he gets up grumpy 9 times out of 10 and starts raging at me in the morning.
I also try “extra” when he is dysregulating, massage him to placate him, make elaborate dinners and make plans, all to brighten his mood and get on his good side. 2 times out of 10 it works, I’m especially resourceful when things are ugly. When they go back to the baseline and I feel shattered and depleted, humiliated even, I think that if I tried just as hard in any new relationships, I would probably be worshipped (, seeking the approval and idealization). I want to stop this pattern of functioning, but just like pavlov’s Dog, the fear of loosing him, him leaving me is so great that I utilize every resource available to win him over. He even tells me that he wants massages and taking care of him when things are good, but he has to ask for it. Yet, when things are ugly between us, I jump so high to make him happy. Another thing I didn’t mention, my uBPDh and his foo have questionable personal hygiene. Although it’s a personal preference, most doctors recommend daily showers, from my experience. With my uBPDh it’s mostly 2-3 times a week. Majority of times from me asking him to. He says that if he doesn’t reek or smell there isn’t any point to get washed. It was the way he was functioning in his foo, I, however take daily showers, sometimes several times when it’s hot. Early in the relationships I started asking him if I can give Jim a bath. It was a grooming ritual, all I asked from him was just to sit in the tab. I washed him, cut his nails, comb his hair, sometimes brush his teeth. It became my ritual, most people only wash their kids, or help them, For the duration of my marriage I had to groom 3 people, one of them my uBPDh. When his nails grow too long, he says “my nails are too long”, so I jump in and cut them. Sometimes I notice it myself and just do it without being asked.
I think you might be on to something about my acts of kindness evoking shame, he tries to prove me about altirier motive, asking if I like or think of other men, or trying to find another reason as to why I do it. I always tell him the same thing:” it brings me joy to see you clean, we’ll taken care of and groomed. I do it for my kids without thinking, I feel the same about taking care of you. I don’t do it for a pat on the back or recognition. I do it for me”. Also forgot to mention, I iron all of his and our kids clothing, all but socks and underwear. I enjoy looking at them looking sharp and sophisticated. It sends a messsage to the other people, I care about my personal appearance. It’s essential in the line of work for my uBPDh.
This pattern is 17 years long, how can I make it more functional?
If he sleeps alone, he can’t usually wake up on time, the alarm goes off and he shuts it off. Wakes up late, runs downstairs yelling and cursing me for not waking him up. He goes to sleep alone when dysregulated, depending on a week. Sometimes he sleeps with me the entire week while simultaneously raging and splitting, sometimes he sleeps alone 4-5 times a week. Even when he is dysregulating I still get him ready.
It’s a lot of information, but I look forward to your comments

[snowglobe]

Until you can emotionally distance yourself from his actions and words you have little chance of success, initially it may result in a severe backlash, cheating on you or leaving you painting you black etc, but as long as he knows he can get a reaction from you, things like this will happen , recognizing this for what it is may help.

It is the only way you can start getting back control of your life, and may eventually lead to a grudging respect an some compliance, or not.

You’ve raised some interesting points here. Can you be a little more specific? How does “emotionally distant” looks like?

[formflier]

Snowglobe,

Thanks for the details.  I have a bit of a better picture.  There are lots of "rules" that get talked about on this website and other articles about "dealing with" pwBPD.

One thing you will see in those rules and hear from me is to be "pragmatic" about what works for you and the relationship and to also be "brutally honest" (with yourself) about what doesn't work.

My pwBPD has trouble getting up as well.  She also has touch as her "major" love language.  So, we spend the majority of mornings cuddling for about 30 minutes.  Most of the time it is non-sexual. 

It seems to help her start her day off right, things are calmer and she seems happier.  I'm an "acts of service" guy so it works for me, even though my top preference would be to get up and enjoy coffee, read the paper, think about my dad... etc etc. 

I now do those things after she has left for work.

So... .for now.  I'd say keep doing the morning routine.  It seems to work for everyone.  Do you agree it "works" for everyone.

The evening routine seems to "work" for him, but it seems damaging to you.  In an average 7 day period, how many evenings does he curse at you, rage... whatever you call it, while playing his game.

How long at your current location for a job?  It would seem this is a "long term temp thing"... .do I have that right?


FF

[ozmatoz]

You’ve raised some interesting points here. Can you be a little more specific? How does “emotionally distant” looks like?

For me it took the act of moving to my parents for a few weeks.  Extreme? Yes.  Necessary?  Also a big yes.  My uBPDw was in a constant state of dysregulation.  I can't even imagine how she felt.  By leaving it forced her to take care of herself and a larger majority of the housework and kids.  It also forced her to look at her abandonment fears right in the face.  Basically it took extreme action for her to wear herself down until she had no more energy to dysregulate.  I had to let her burn out.  I was finding it impossible to not get drawn in to her drama.  By physically being apart I had more control (it was still tough).  I'm back at the house, we are no closer to reconcile or divorce but the heat has been dialed WAY back.  At least to a point where I can function most days.

I'll echo a statement made earlier on here that my wife also gets very jealous of the relationship I have with my kids.  D16 in particular.  When D10 had health issues it was divide and conquer and I know that I missed out on bonding with D10 and she missed out with D16.  Its just life, its happened.  We didn't ask for a sick child we just dealt with it best we could.  Fast forward and now D16 is into all the "nerdy" stuff and well, thats me, I'm an engineer so I'm basically a nerd/geek by default !  My wife has even thrown in my face that I have taken D16 away from her.  If you were to ask D16 she loves us both in very different ways.  How I deal with this one is easier than the other problems she throws at me.  Basically if I'm taking the time to bond, teach, play, mentor... my children there is NOTHING wrong with that.  Period.  Thats what a good parent does.  If uBPDw wants to sulk or groan, she's always welcome to join in, but that is up to her.

The rest of the stuff, well its just plain hard.  I see that you have done things like me, set a pattern and expectations of service for years.  I have trained my uBPDw to expect me to be her doormat.  That is on me to untrain her.  I have stopped getting coffee ready in the morning like a ritual, now I only do it when things are good or is practical.  As I untrain her there are things she no longer likes and this causes her to question the relationship as it is "no longer working for her".  I would expect some of the same from your husband as you cut back... .

As always, best of luck.  We're here for you.

-Oz

[snowglobe]

@formflier,
I do indeed think that the morning routine has been therapeutic for my uBPDh. Just like like your case, majority of this caretaking is non sexual and at times non verbal even. I feels authentic to me, as if I’m filling some gaps that were left my his damagining upbringing. It definetly works for him, except one detail. He keeps on verbally pushing me away, e.g I don’t need you, why are you here, give do your thing. Yet, he still expects me to follow through with caretaking. It’s like Alice in Wonderland. Where no, actually means yes. He keeps on talking about the “tests” he regularly sets for me. IF I comply with his request, eg leave him alone, I failed the test and therefore need to be “taught a lesson”. I truly don’t mind doing those things for me, although I want to hit the gym in the morning instead  . His “tests” are what’s taxing and making me feel almost desposable.

Night routine is much more complicated, in an average 7days week he is raging 5 times. It started from the time he picked up the game. Due to his addictive  personality and love for gambling I don’t see him quitting this habit. Prior to his addiction to this game raging was 2-3 times a week. Any advice on how to break this habit?
Re; job setuation is spot on, long term temp arrangement, at very least till the end of next year. With him requiring to be there every few weeks for several weeks at a time.

[snowglobe]

For me it took the act of moving to my parents for a few weeks.  Extreme? Yes.  Necessary?  Also a big yes.  My uBPDw was in a constant state of dysregulation.  I can't even imagine how she felt.  By leaving it forced her to take care of herself and a larger majority of the housework and kids.  It also forced her to look at her abandonment fears right in the face.  Basically it took extreme action for her to wear herself down until she had no more energy to dysregulate.  I had to let her burn out.  I was finding it impossible to not get drawn in to her drama.  By physically being apart I had more control (it was still tough).  I'm back at the house, we are no closer to reconcile or divorce but the heat has been dialed WAY back.  At least to a point where I can function most days.

I'll echo a statement made earlier on here that my wife also gets very jealous of the relationship I have with my kids.  D16 in particular.  When D10 had health issues it was divide and conquer and I know that I missed out on bonding with D10 and she missed out with D16.  Its just life, its happened.  We didn't ask for a sick child we just dealt with it best we could.  Fast forward and now D16 is into all the "nerdy" stuff and well, thats me, I'm an engineer so I'm basically a nerd/geek by default !  My wife has even thrown in my face that I have taken D16 away from her.  If you were to ask D16 she loves us both in very different ways.  How I deal with this one is easier than the other problems she throws at me.  Basically if I'm taking the time to bond, teach, play, mentor... my children there is NOTHING wrong with that.  Period.  Thats what a good parent does.  If uBPDw wants to sulk or groan, she's always welcome to join in, but that is up to her.

The rest of the stuff, well its just plain hard.  I see that you have done things like me, set a pattern and expectations of service for years.  I have trained my uBPDw to expect me to be her doormat.  That is on me to untrain her.  I have stopped getting coffee ready in the morning like a ritual, now I only do it when things are good or is practical.  As I untrain her there are things she no longer likes and this causes her to question the relationship as it is "no longer working for her".  I would expect some of the same from your husband as you cut back... .

As always, best of luck.  We're here for you.

-Oz

@ozmatoz, thank you for shedding the light on your setuation. In my case my parents  are live in caregivers, as uBPDh work takes us places on a minute notice. I’m also completely dependent on him financially as I’m still finishing my studies. So you see a pattern? With my help and cooperation, mostly unconsciously, I hope he made it so much so, as he puts it “he owns me”. One thing I want to clearing, I didn’t marry into money. He was 40k in debt, went trough bankruptcy and with my help opened up a successful business practice. What we now have took 16 years in making and me taking out loans under my name, he couldn’t. We worked, budgeted, sacrificed together. Sadly, now that we are “comfortable” he controls all the finances, allowing me to have just enough for household expenses and otherwise. His lavish gifts and gestures are mostly like a bone to a dog, when he was especially nasty. To an uninformed observer, it would probably look that I young girl married a wealthy older man for his money, and tolerates his abuse for the same reason. It’s only people really close to us know that I’m with him because, dare to say I love him?. And hope that things can change once he is older? He lost his fortune before on a stock market, I stood by him, being almost bedridden for weeks, repeating “we did it once. And we will do it again”. Guess what? We did.

[formflier]

So... .clarify a bit more in the morning.  It sounds much nicer, but he is still saying "get away" or otherwise "testing" you?

Have you tried to be proactive and get ahead of his requests in the morning?  In other words... .start massaging or talking about coffee before he starts asking. 

Please understand, the first few "moves" will be to "turn down the temp" and create boundaries for you.

That should help you calm some and have a clearer view of the r/s and make better decisions.

Little by little (and perhaps sometimes in a big way) you will be clarifying through your actions that you will not be "participating" in abusive things. 

Just so you understand the big pic.

I suspect the morning will be easier to modify than the evening... .we'll see.

FF