She is returning home with us for the Christmas break, but to be frank we're not too sure what to expect. I read about imposing boundaries... .but what boundaries can we actually impose on an 18 year old? All we get is "I'm 18, I'm grown" while she repeats what the online groomers reinforce to her that we are bad parents and the more we try to contain her the more she should rebel. Quite frankly we're at a loss how to respond to her behaviour or save her from it.
Hi Dadzilla,
Speaking from experience - I personally think that imposing boundaries is more about what you are willing to accept in your home. You can control what she does outside of your home, but you have to let her know you have certain things you can accept while she's home, and certain things you can't. It's VERY difficult to enforce that with your child. It takes so much practice.
It's also important to make it clear that the boundaries you are setting are out of love. For instance, you can say something like, "It scares the crap out of me that you are seeing these older men. I think you are putting yourself in danger. I know we can't stop you from doing what you will do, but while you are home, you are not to do xxxx." whatever it is - talking to them, leaving to go see them, etc.
You can tell her how happy you are to see her and have her home, and that the holidays are really about spending time with family. You should try to do positive fun activities with her to reconnect. Try not to focus too much on what she's doing. She needs to know that you love her and will regardless of whatever stupid stupid things she is doing.
She is expecting you to reject her based on what she's doing, and if you do, you will prove her right and lose your relationship with her. It is a self fulfilling prophecy with these kids. She will continue to try to push you away every chance she gets.
You can express displeasure in WHAT she is doing without rejecting her. Again, just remember to try to always come from a place of love. I have told my daughter things like, "it is my worst nightmare that you go out with an older man who only wants sex from you and treats you like his property. I love you so much and you deserve to be with someone who really appreciates you." this will NOT prevent her from doing stupid things, but she will think more about it, and it will save your relationship with her.
My goal with my daughter is to make her more self aware, accepting that nothing I say will prevent her from doing idiotic things. It takes time and so much patience and practice, and some days you wont' want to get out of bed. But it is possible. My daughter has improved insofar as she always understands that we are there for her, and that we have her back. We have even gotten to the point of me being able to say, "I am not paying for that because I am trying to get you to be responsible for yourself." In the past she would have raged and told me how I didn't give a f*** about her, etc, but now she says she understands.
One more thing I would add- you don't have to offer explanations when you're setting boundaries on what you will and wont' pay for, if that's an issue. You can simply say, I am not paying for that. And repeat. And repeat. The more consistent you are with boundaries, the easier it will get for to accept them. Look up extinction behavior. Her behaviors will get worse before they get better. you have to buckle down and never budge from the boundaries you have set are. Over time it gets easier.
Hang in there! Keep posting!
