Not coping well today

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Ok last night was not great, it started with him stating that his therapist was being unfair by raising her charges. I suggested that he talk to her and see if something be could negotiated and yes its unfortunate that prices do rise. He was clearly not happy with this.

We had had a short chat on Sunday about how things were going and also that as I am retiring in the next 18 months I was starting to think about how we might talk about the future, nothing heavy but of course I am aware of how my not working will change a dynamic and also a need to think about arranging pensions etc and whether we stay in this house or move on. Yes this stuff is on my mind as I am the 'provider' and it would be nice to work together on this stuff rather than (as in the past) I get blamed when it doesn't work out the away he wants.That last bit was not said of course just that I wanted us to work together.

I even said no need to focus on it now but when you feel ready perhaps we could discuss it.

I also raised a bit of what i know was a sensitive subject of how he had caused a bit of family upset to my sister by sending some unpleasant texts, that I had spoken to her and whilst she understood that sometimes he did those things could he perhaps think before doing so.

So yesterday after he had ignored me all evening just as I was going to bed I got told that he didn't want anything to do with my family as they had 'rejected' him (not true) and that what was the point of any future as he can't cope with the present and there is no future. This kind of got endorsed by the statement that he is comfortable so why bother to change things. He also blamed me for his illness and contradicted himself on just about everything he has ever said to me in the past.

I made the mistake of JADEing, that of course only made matters worse and a lot of nasty things were said mainly by him but we ended up in one of those circular arguments that go nowhere - he certainly picked his time and being tired I did not have the sense to withdraw and disengage as I would normally when this happens.

Well this has made me very angry, I have to think about these things and when I think about it (not slept well) I know that just drifting aimlessly towards retirement is not an option for me, especially if given my reduced income and lack of a work reason to leave the house I am expected to just provide 'comfort'. He may wish to spend his time asleep, rearranging the stuff in his room and watching TV but I certainly don't.

He also told me that he doesn't want to have friends or see people and the only person he likes is his therapist (that varies week by week of course and only a few hours before had been cursing her for trying to cheat him by raising her prices).

I have spent much effort working the tools and providing emotional support but again have found that when I want to talk about things that matter to me they get turned around and used against me. OK I have probably been stupid here - I should have seen the signs as he has become very withdrawn of late but having been ill myself really needed to focus on my needs for a change.

I had thought things were improving but having re-read the section on embracing the realities of BPD I feel that at the moment I cannot be the one always supplying the lead in this relationship and that it is draining me - I really am not the person I used to be - thats partially age but also I just feel drained by it all and unsupported. I have long been aware of the imbalance in our relationship but really honestly at the moment have strong needs be held, loved and supported.

It is a while since I took an inventory but I am going to start again and see where it leads, being angry or resentful is not the answer and hurts me a lot more than him I suspect. I am fed up with the hurt - time for a re-think

Thanks

ortac

[ortac77]

Ok last night was not great, it started with him stating that his therapist was being unfair by raising her charges. I suggested that he talk to her and see if something be could negotiated and yes its unfortunate that prices do rise. He was clearly not happy with this.

We had had a short chat on Sunday about how things were going and also that as I am retiring in the next 18 months I was starting to think about how we might talk about the future, nothing heavy but of course I am aware of how my not working will change a dynamic and also a need to think about arranging pensions etc and whether we stay in this house or move on. Yes this stuff is on my mind as I am the 'provider' and it would be nice to work together on this stuff rather than (as in the past) I get blamed when it doesn't work out the away he wants.That last bit was not said of course just that I wanted us to work together.

I even said no need to focus on it now but when you feel ready perhaps we could discuss it.

I also raised a bit of what i know was a sensitive subject of how he had caused a bit of family upset to my sister by sending some unpleasant texts, that I had spoken to her and whilst she understood that sometimes he did those things could he perhaps think before doing so.

So yesterday after he had ignored me all evening just as I was going to bed I got told that he didn't want anything to do with my family as they had 'rejected' him (not true) and that what was the point of any future as he can't cope with the present and there is no future. This kind of got endorsed by the statement that he is comfortable so why bother to change things. He also blamed me for his illness and contradicted himself on just about everything he has ever said to me in the past.

I made the mistake of JADEing, that of course only made matters worse and a lot of nasty things were said mainly by him but we ended up in one of those circular arguments that go nowhere - he certainly picked his time and being tired I did not have the sense to withdraw and disengage as I would normally when this happens.

Well this has made me very angry, I have to think about these things and when I think about it (not slept well) I know that just drifting aimlessly towards retirement is not an option for me, especially if given my reduced income and lack of a work reason to leave the house I am expected to just provide 'comfort'. He may wish to spend his time asleep, rearranging the stuff in his room and watching TV but I certainly don't.

He also told me that he doesn't want to have friends or see people and the only person he likes is his therapist (that varies week by week of course and only a few hours before had been cursing her for trying to cheat him by raising her prices).

I have spent much effort working the tools and providing emotional support but again have found that when I want to talk about things that matter to me they get turned around and used against me. OK I have probably been stupid here - I should have seen the signs as he has become very withdrawn of late but having been ill myself really needed to focus on my needs for a change.

I had thought things were improving but having re-read the section on embracing the realities of BPD I feel that at the moment I cannot be the one always supplying the lead in this relationship and that it is draining me - I really am not the person I used to be - thats partially age but also I just feel drained by it all and unsupported. I have long been aware of the imbalance in our relationship but really honestly at the moment have strong needs be held, loved and supported.

It is a while since I took an inventory but I am going to start again and see where it leads, being angry or resentful is not the answer and hurts me a lot more than him I suspect. I am fed up with the hurt - time for a re-think

Thanks

ortac

[SunandMoon]

Yes, it's hard work sometimes Ortac and anyone could understand your wish to have some support and kindness for yourself. It's good to step back and take inventory too - especially coming up to retirement.

Do you think it might have gone pear-shaped because he was feeling upset about his therapist raising her rates and then the conversation about the future may have been overwhelming for him (the unknown / possible abandonment, etc)?

Then bringing up the problem with him messaging your sister at the same time might have tipped him over the edge? I'm sure you did it delicately but there's got to be blame and shame associated with it. That's seen in his response - that he "doesn't want anything to do with your family and they have rejected him".

Probably he's feeling guilt and doesn't know how to fix it. Hence wanting to withdraw from everyone... .

Not saying I'm right but just some thoughts.

[ortac77]

Hi Sun & Moon

Thank you for your comments and I suspect your thoughts are right, I am acutely aware of his guilt its a common thread sadly and a very defining feature of his life, so yes I should have anticipated this.

The problem for me is that at the moment I am feeling vulnerable, and perhaps rather than being 'in the moment' fearful of the future and maybe a lot of my 'anger' is at myself?

Time as I realise to take a step back and take a closer look at me and my unfulfilled needs, hence the inventory, as I am feeling very lost at the moment.

Ortac

[Cat Familiar]

With retirement looming in the future, you’ve got a lot to plan for, and lifestyle choices to make with a reduced income.

The fact that retirement will make for a lot more togetherness is not lost upon you either.

It’s no wonder you’re feeling drained and unsupported. It will be a challenge to cope with very divergent lifestyles when you are no longer working. How do you see this playing out?

[ortac77]

Hi cat

That is probably the $64000 question?

I think if I am honest on the one hand I am looking forward to retirement, on the other I am dreading it. I have a very good job and i enjoy it although in my early 60's I am finding it harder and anyway there is mandatory retirement age. When I allow my 'spirit to run free' I imagine travelling, perhaps some voluntary work and maybe even returning to some education. I don't see it as an end rather a chance to do something and I am trying to manage both the finances to make these things possible.

Then comes the but - and it comes down to feeling like I am being pulled back by a partner who has no plans, no ideas and struggles to deal with day to day, and who gives me so little support - simply will not (cannot) talk about it. So i am left to think i just have to do this on my own and perhaps I am struggling with a sense that this is selfish? Hence I am feeling very conflicted and probably a bit scared moving from a known to an unknown - this I believe is exacerbated by a sense that i am just not as outgoing as I used to be - some of this is probably common to all retirees but it is the sense that I am alone that is so frightening.

Don't know if this makes sense?

Ortac

[Cat Familiar]

You've got dreams and goals you'd like to move forward on. Your partner has very different life choices. It's a challenge.

I dreaded when my husband was about to retire from his career as an attorney. He hated being a lawyer, so he retired early.

I enjoy my private time and we have very different ideas of what is fun. I'm a hobby rancher and I love being outdoors and around animals. My husband can easily spend all day indoors reading and watching TV. That would drive me up the wall.

He also likes going to listen to jam bands while I hate loud music. And he's a city boy, while I'm definitely country.

So, there were some bumps along the road, but I encouraged him to go to the city alone to see shows he likes and travel to places he wants to visit. Meanwhile, I'm happy being home and doing my routines and seeing friends.

It isn't the way either of us imagined the relationship to work, but it does work and it honors our differences.

[ortac77]

Sounds like you have found a very good balance Cat, the problem I have at the moment is that any form of discussion or indeed suggestion of 'doing our own thing' on my part is heard as 'abandonment', perhaps also if I am being honest with myself I had hoped that after a lifetime of hard work I had hoped for at the least companionship in retirement?

At the moment I am being painted black, by trying to talk about the future, I am changing the dynamic and I must assume this is interpreted as scary and threatening for him. It is a bit scary for me as it represents a big albeit inevitable change however I am trying to look at how it might work and it would be nice to at least talk about it and I am having to come to terms with the fact that any desire to do so on my part is causing him to withdraw.

Yes its challenge and at the moment one that I am finding cannot be resolved easily, it does I think come back to that place that says allow him to withdraw and see things as he does, allow me to think through my options and desires (take my own inventory) in the realisation that I cannot change his thoughts beyond reassurance in the acceptance that whilst i would like to work things through together at the moment that is not going to achieve anything.

[Cat Familiar]

... .the problem I have at the moment is that any form of discussion or indeed suggestion of 'doing our own thing' on my part is heard as 'abandonment', perhaps also if I am being honest with myself I had hoped that after a lifetime of hard work I had hoped for at the least companionship in retirement?

We went through that phase too. He complained that he always (typical black/white BPD thinking) had to do things on his own in previous marriages and he was disappointed that it was going to be the same in our marriage. (Definitely some triggering words for me with sort of an implied threat.) And it's no wonder that his previous wives weren't keen on accompanying him to some of these events--rather than think what things a couple might enjoy, it's all about what he wants to do. I was perfectly willing at first to go along on these excursions, but then I started dreading them and finally I had to be true to myself.

Over time, he realized when it wasn't an issue for me if he left to do these things on his own, that he could have a great time going solo. Sure, he would rather have the companionship, but it gave him an opportunity to miss me while it gave me an opportunity to recharge my batteries without the BPD "noise" playing in the background.

At the moment I am being painted black, by trying to talk about the future, I am changing the dynamic and I must assume this is interpreted as scary and threatening for him. It is a bit scary for me as it represents a big albeit inevitable change however I am trying to look at how it might work and it would be nice to at least talk about it and I am having to come to terms with the fact that any desire to do so on my part is causing him to withdraw.

Talking about these sorts of things is not easy for a pwBPD, as they don't think in shades of gray and can easily imagine worst case scenarios--such as you'll leave them and find a more compatible partner.

What worked for us is to try simple events that didn't keep us apart for very long, such as an evening concert in our town. When that worked out well for both of us, then he went to events some distance away, where he'd spend the night and return the following day. Then he went to England for a couple of weeks to retrace his childhood roots and had a wonderful time, as did I at home!

Yes its challenge and at the moment one that I am finding cannot be resolved easily, it does I think come back to that place that says allow him to withdraw and see things as he does, allow me to think through my options and desires (take my own inventory) in the realisation that I cannot change his thoughts beyond reassurance in the acceptance that whilst i would like to work things through together at the moment that is not going to achieve anything.

Yes, you cannot change his thinking and as a standard practice with pwBPD, it's a good idea to let him "withdraw and see things as he does"--very validating that you respect his opinion and choices.