It never ends for our kids

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Our oldest moved in with me when he graduated high school last year so our youngest (14) is 50/50 with ex and I. A few days ago he sends four texts, one right after the other. My phone was not on me and I picked it up around five minutes after the texts. I open the first one and my phone rings. It is S14. I answer and he sounds worried. His mom is not there and he went to make dinner. The floor was wet and he discovered the shut off valve under the sink was leaking. He said he called his mom several times and sent her a few texts before he tried contacting me. He tells me he shut off the valve and it stopped leaking, he cleaned everything up and removed everything from under the sink figuring you needed it cleared to fix it. We basically talked and I told him he did all the correct things.
The next day I pick him up at school and I find out that BPDmom comes home about 10 pm the night before and is angry because S14 cleared out everything under the sink. Things were not where they belonged and it was his fault. Right out of mommy dearest. He goes on about the details and I just listen. He then goes on that he thinks mom has some kind of mental condition and needs to get help. He then asks me how he can do that. I don't address the subject of whether she has a mental condition or not but tell him that people that have mental conditions need to see it themselves before they can get any real help. I then change it back to what he did and basically tell him he did everything the correct way.
Towards the end of our conversation I remind him that he called me after he tried to contact mom and that I told him what he did was correct. I then suggested that if mom brings it up again just tell her I was the one that told him to clear out under the sink.  I really couldn't think of anything thing else to say and I know that emailing ex will only make things worse. Christmas is coming and that is a trigger for her.

[david]

Our oldest moved in with me when he graduated high school last year so our youngest (14) is 50/50 with ex and I. A few days ago he sends four texts, one right after the other. My phone was not on me and I picked it up around five minutes after the texts. I open the first one and my phone rings. It is S14. I answer and he sounds worried. His mom is not there and he went to make dinner. The floor was wet and he discovered the shut off valve under the sink was leaking. He said he called his mom several times and sent her a few texts before he tried contacting me. He tells me he shut off the valve and it stopped leaking, he cleaned everything up and removed everything from under the sink figuring you needed it cleared to fix it. We basically talked and I told him he did all the correct things.
The next day I pick him up at school and I find out that BPDmom comes home about 10 pm the night before and is angry because S14 cleared out everything under the sink. Things were not where they belonged and it was his fault. Right out of mommy dearest. He goes on about the details and I just listen. He then goes on that he thinks mom has some kind of mental condition and needs to get help. He then asks me how he can do that. I don't address the subject of whether she has a mental condition or not but tell him that people that have mental conditions need to see it themselves before they can get any real help. I then change it back to what he did and basically tell him he did everything the correct way.
Towards the end of our conversation I remind him that he called me after he tried to contact mom and that I told him what he did was correct. I then suggested that if mom brings it up again just tell her I was the one that told him to clear out under the sink.  I really couldn't think of anything thing else to say and I know that emailing ex will only make things worse. Christmas is coming and that is a trigger for her.

[takingandsending]

I am sorry for your S14. How hard to have to grow up early because of his mom's illness. Of course, he is parentified. My S6 is much the same, already.  : (

Though you know it, david, you did an awesome job of supporting him during and after the event. And your son S14 will come through okay because of what you are doing. At some point, do you think it is fair to talk to him about his mom and BPD? I hate that we keep it in the shadows, like a stigma. S14 knows there's something wrong. He wants to help her. I suppose all you can do is help him with communication tools for when she is unreasonably angry, stuff to avoid like invalidating.

Wish it were different for our kids.

[livednlearned]

Maybe ask him what kind of mental condition does he think she has?

I think it's ok to let them express what they think.

I told then S8 at the time that his dad had a drinking problem because it was plain as daylight. It was like saying the sky is blue. But I didn't talk about the mental issues and that meant S9 was left confused by his dad's sober behavior.

When it came out, I agreed with him that yes, something was different about his dad and there were other adults who felt the same way. He was 13 or 14 at the time, and the relief he felt was palpable. I just let him lead, and he pretty much connected all the dots on his own. I always encouraged him to do what he needed to do in order to feel safe, so worked in a conversation about whether it was safe to share this thoughts with his dad, and he knew instinctively no way, it wasn't something he could ever tell his dad directly.

[ForeverDad]

Of course, you know you can't go over there and fix the leak, there would be a nuclear explosion if you did.   Good that you provided validation and reinforced it later.  Was there any way S18 could be a buffer for S14?  Or one of ex's older sons?  Not that I want S18 to be exposed to the unreason again, but just wondering what other support there could be for S14... .

Is there anything wrong on his next visit with you to mention Personality Disorders, that there are 8 or 9 often mentioned and let him browse each one's traits?  Of course you'd need to emphasize that this is for his information and sharing those insights with her would likely be triggers for her and denied and blame shifted to others.  I'm thinking not knowing is worse than knowing.  Well, unless he would open his mouth about PDs to her, that could risk him being painted black too.

[david]

Thanks for your replies. I think I will let S14 lead this one. If he brings it up I will go further with the discussion then I did. I don't think I will get into specific diagnosis but a more general talk about mental health and how many people have difficulties coping with things.
This holiday must be extremely stressful for ex. I have received over a dozen emails from her about the holiday schedule. As of yesterday, yes I know the holiday is past the halfway point, she is still sending emails telling me I am in violation of the court order. The fact of the matter is I should have an additional day this year because of the court order. I ignored most of the emails but did send one this morning stating the court order exactly and also using the schools' website that defines the start of the holiday and the end of the holiday.
As most of you on this site know some people have a difficult time accepting facts as reality. Ex is insisting the holiday started last Thursday even though S14 went to school that Thursday and the following day (Friday). The school calendar defines the start of the holiday as Monday Dec 25 since that is the first day that school was closed for the holiday. Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve, and New Years Day are spelled out in the custody order. The only thing open is the order states the additional days of the holiday are divided 50/50. If there is an odd number of days then the extra day rotates from year to year. That means the only days that need to be decided are Dec 26, 27, 28, and 29. They are to be divided 50/50. Sounds easy but ex is insisting that the holiday extends for 12 days, then in another email 9 days, then in another 11 days. I didn't reply to the emails because they simply made no sense. My reply today was to quote the court order exactly and the school calendar exactly just in case a judge needs to see the emails. Otherwise I would not have replied.
We were in a custody eval meeting years back and ex argued with the evaluator that our boys would be kicked out of school if she did not retain majority custody. The evaluator actually contacted the school and tried to explain to ex at the next meeting that she was mistaken. The next meeting did not go well for ex but she did show her behavior clearly as she continued to tell the evaluator he was wrong. I sat there for about a half an hour just listening and smiling inside. At that point the evaluator pulled me into the conversation, don't know why, and I simply pointed out that if ex were correct the boys would not be allowed to go to any school in the state except private schools. Ex snapped at me to explain again so I did in a very calm and gentle voice. She insisted I was wrong but didn't want to talk about it anymore and that I would be sorry when the boys got kicked out of their school. Reminiscing over the good times.   

[sweetheart]

Hi David,

When my h's BPD was fully triggered, catalyst house move four years ago and P retiring, I took advice from a mental health charity about what to do about talking to then s5 about his father's illness as it was suddenly visible in his life.

My immediate response was to not tell him and to protect him from it as best I could. The advice from the charity was to be age appropriately proactive and talk in an open and measured way about what was happening. We used this advice as the starting point to talking about emotional well-being, good mental health, developing coping strategies and techniques for my son to start dealing healthily with his father's dysfunctional behaviour. Emotional health is now as much a part of my son's life as brushing his teeth.

One of the things my son told me some years later about the time before I told him about his dad's illness was that he was scared and worried and thought it might be something he was doing wrong. He would have been around four at the time and I had no idea he was even aware of the changes taking place with his father.

If your son is bringing the subject and these questions to you, taking his lead by increasing his awareness and understanding will most definitely increase his emotional resilience when dealing with BPD type behaviours from his mother. It is important that he knows this is not about him, that he is healthy and ok, but that what his mother is doing is not. Helping him develop the strategies that you use with your exw will also stand him in good stead as well.

There are some amazing resources out there for children living with parents who have a mental illness. Opening up a dialogue early on has really helped my son in ways I couldn't have realised. Creating a sense of what is good mental health and the impact of it on each of our lives is just as good for children as it is for us. ❤️