Mother - concerns and sadness

[papillon07]

Hello,

I found this thread through the usual rabbit hole of articles! Glad to have found it however, really seeking some guidance.

We have experienced problems with my Mum for as long as I can remember. I dismissed BPD long ago, as I don’t recognise any periods of manic behaviour in her. But I’m still wondering... .

It’s become so bad that my sister is now investigating seeking a life abroad to get some space and peace.

We experience immense periods of abuse from her. She will go into some sort of mood where we are given the silent treatment. After this, there will be the inevitable row. Where awful, awful things are said about us. The people we are, how selfish we are. There will be reconciliation shortly after this. But not true apology or recognition of how hurt we might be. She is always the victim. It is always someone else’s fault.

We are often cut-off for some unknown reason. Sometimes we find out why (it is usually something to do with our selfishness) sometimes we never find out and it simply peters-out and normalcy returns.

The role of victim is often there. Someone is picking on her at work (although to me it just seems like normal workplace management. A friend has been thoughtless and uncaring, or a family member has treated her badly.

It’s very hard to understand because when she’s ‘good’ she’s the kindest, most thoughtful person in the world.

The bad episodes seem to come about between 3-5 times per year. Sometimes more. Sometimes less. There is usually one around Christmas/NY.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. It terrifies me when she stops speaking/engaging. I start going through the mental filing cabinet wondering what I might have gotten wrong. What is because I went to see a friend near her house but didn’t stop in to see her as I had to get home? Did I not reply to her text message soon enough?

I don’t know what to do. I think her actions have impacted my mental health over the years. I struggle to feel ‘good enough’ and have had problems wth anxiety.

Christmas will doubtless be ruined now. I suspect we will all be cut-off/ignored for the entire Christmas period now. Even if she does return, we’ll all be nervous about keeps me the peace and it won’t be very enjoyable.

Could it be bi-polar issues? She may well be too old for things to get better now, but I am so, so sad that my sister is going to go away.

[Panda39]

Hi papillon07,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

None of us here can diagnose your mom, we have members with family members who are diagnosed and others like me where the person in our lives fit the description.  Either way there are tools here that can help, the members are great for support, ideas, a listening ear and simply "get it" because we all have someone in our lives exhibiting these behaviors.

Your mom's behaviors do sound familiar to me... .always being the victim, the rages, the blaming, dysregulation around holidays/big events/travel, using FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail and the silent treatment... .

If you read the posts of other members here I think you will find that we all experience the types of things that you are as well.

For people with BPD Feelings often equal Facts in their mind... .If they feel it, it must be so when in fact what they feel is not the reality of everyone else.  You seem to be beating your self up for not doing this or that in an effort to keep your mom happy.  Are her expectations realistic?  Are her expectations always moving?  Is she ever satisfied?  What about your feelings?  What do you think you should do in a situation? (not what your mother would do or thinks you should do)

There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeing a friend that lives near your mom and not seeing your mom, you should not have to explain anything.  But then we have FOG... .and you are motivated to text her.  You are an adult and have every right to see whomever you wish whenever you wish and not Justify, Defend, Argue, or Explain to your mother why you did what you did. 

I'm sorry you are experiencing the silent treatment, you are not alone in seeing this behavior.  This is a dysfunctional behavior that can be tied to black and white thinking or splitting... .in their mind you are all good or all bad (there is never a middle ground).  Right now you are all bad in her mind this does not mean that you are all bad... .you like the rest of us are somewhere between "good" and "bad".  It like colorblindness she can see Black and she can see White but she is blind to the Gray.  Her feelings are just that her feelings, they aren't about you at all it is about her try not to take this stuff personally (I know easier said than done).

More on splitting... .
Splitting

Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection. We often talk of being painted black or painted white by our pwBPD.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

Before I go I also wanted to point out the box to the right --> each item listed is a link to more information, I encourage you to checkout things that resonate with you.  You might want to start in the "Lessons" section.

I also wanted to suggest some books on BPD that you might want to check out that you might find helpful... .

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Changeby Valerie Porr M. A.

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorderby Paul Mason, Randi Kreger
 
Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship
by Christine Ann Lawson

Take Care,
Panda39

[papillon07]

Thank you very much, Panda39.

I do realise that this is not a place to seek out a diagnosis, it’s just to try and work out what to try and do. For a long time this has been our ‘normal’ and we never really thought to question it.

I will certainly start to look through the threads and suggestions you have made. Thank you so much for such a lengthy and kind reply.

[No-One]

Hi papillon07:
I'm sorry for the difficulty you have with your mom. Panda39 gave you a lot of good resources to check out.  You will find that many of the skills you can learn here are helpful in other areas of your life, such as in the workplace or among friends.

A diagnosis isn't necessary for you to take steps to make things better for you, as you are the only one you have control over.    Many people here don't have a diagnosis for the disordered person in their life, but they are learning to manage their reactions to that person and are gaining skills to manage difficult situations.  Additionally, BPD rarely stands alone, and most people who end up with a BPD diagnosis generally have another mental health issue that hasn't been managed well (i.e. anxiety, depression, bipolar, ADHD, OCD and others).  One theory (of a possible scenario) is that failure to manage these other conditions successfully can lead to strong BPD traits or BPD.  Everyone's situation with BPD or strong BPD traits is different.

Most people have a couple of BPD traits to some degree.  Gaining the skills to deal with each bad behavior category, can make things better for you - one step at a time.  Wrapping your arms around a BPD label can be overwhelming, but learning to manage a trait at a time can make it easier to deal with.

[papillon07]

Hi papillon07:
I'm sorry for the difficulty you have with your mom. Panda39 gave you a lot of good resources to check out.  You will find that many of the skills you can learn here are helpful in other areas of your life, such as in the workplace or among friends.

A diagnosis isn't necessary for you to take steps to make things better for you, as you are the only one you have control over.    Many people here don't have a diagnosis for the disordered person in their life, but they are learning to manage their reactions to that person and are gaining skills to manage difficult situations.  Additionally, BPD rarely stands alone, and most people who end up with a BPD diagnosis generally have another mental health issue that hasn't been managed well (i.e. anxiety, depression, bipolar, ADHD, OCD and others).  One theory (of a possible scenario) is that failure to manage these other conditions successfully can lead to strong BPD traits or BPD.  Everyone's situation with BPD or strong BPD traits is different.

Most people have a couple of BPD traits to some degree.  Gaining the skills to deal with each bad behavior category, can make things better for you - one step at a time.  Wrapping your arms around a BPD label can be overwhelming, but learning to manage a trait at a time can make it easier to deal with.

Thank you. I guess, for me, the hard bit is undoing how conditioned i've become. The panic I feel and headspace it takes-up when i'm being stonewalled is incredible. Instead of being a capable and responsible adult, I feel like a little kid again.

My partner simply says 'ignore her' but it's really hard. I can keep functioning, but inside i'm a wreck until she eventually replies or I get the telling-off that I was waiting on.

She's also very highly-functioning so there's also the nagging doubt that perhaps it's actually me... .

I've been reading through a lot of the tools, there's a lot to digest but i'll keep going :-)

Thank you for the kindness. It really does help.

[Fie]

Hello Papillon07 

Welcome !

I know how you feel. My mum is BPD and practically my whole life I have been afraid of her and her reactions. Not anymore though. But we are no contact now (chosen by her), which also certainly helps.

Are you in or would you consider therapy ? Overcoming the wounds of an upbringing of BPD or BPD-like behaviors can be quite a challenge... .

You are saying it hurts that your sister is planning on moving away. I can very much imagine that.
Do you two have a good bound ?

Did you talk about any of this with your sister ?

[Lovingyouishard]

Reading your post is like reading an almost to the word exact description of my undiagnosed BPD mother. I just wanted to reach out and say that I feel exactly the same way as you and that I have spent most of my life thinking 'maybe its just me?'... but every time I read a post on this board and read a story that is almost identical - it gives me a little bit more knowledge, energy and determination to not blame myself and to try to find the tools to deal with the situation better. I hope you find the support you need and I wish you all the best x