how can this be?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

How is it possible to care so much and also feel like I couldn't care less sometimes?

[lostandconfused6]

How is it possible to care so much and also feel like I couldn't care less sometimes?

[pearlsw]

Hi lostandconfused6,

You make a fair point here. Would you like to elaborate on what is bothering you? Are things going better since you posted? We're here and we're listening when you feel ready to share more, okay?

take care, pearlsw.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey LandC, I think it's normal to have mixed feelings about a BPD r/s, which is presumably what you are talking about.  Fill us in, when you can.

LJ

[lostandconfused6]

It's the issue with me not being allowed at his parents house (where he currently lives) some days it gets to me more than others... .by no means do I want to be there all day every day but I would like to be able to stop by and hangout when i'm in that area (I have a few friends I visit frequently out where he lives) and of course despite his "reasons"... .and I use that word loosely... .I always have in the back of my mind I can't go to his house because of that other girl... .I just don't see why it's such a big deal for me to go there every now and then I try so hard not to push but this is just something I am no longer okay with... .some days I just say forget it who cares he puts in the effort to come all the way to my house and that means something other days I get in my feelings and I just can't let it go

in our most recent conversation he said he will figure it out "soon" and I told him it's not going to be his soon it will be mine which will be maybe a couple of weeks... .

[Lucky Jim]

I always have in the back of my mind I can't go to his house because of that other girl... .

Hey L&C, Who is the "other girl" and where do you fit in the picture?  Maybe I'm missing something?

LuckyJim

[lostandconfused6]

Sorry I've talked about in a lot of my other posts I wasn't sure if you were following them or not... .she is someone that he was "involved with" before I was around and she was married at the time... .he was in a bad place when he met her his fiancé that he was with for 2.5 years looked at him and told him to get out she didn't love him anymore and never tried to call or talk to him ever again... .he reactivated facebook and this girl messaged him, she's known for being the town busy body, and the first thing she tells him is that her husband abuses and controls her and my boyfriend likes to spring into action to save girls that are in bad places... .long story short he was on a bunch of pills to help him deal with the depression of his ex and he ended up sleeping with this girl 1 time ( I read the texts between them from before I was around so I know that part is true) and he got mad at himself and tried to make something work with her because he isn't the kind of guy to sleep around... .well she made him feel like she left her husband for him and that gave him a shame and guilt feeling and mean while I had came into the picture I made it very clear he was to never speak to her again months later I caught them talking... .it went away for a few months then she was back again I caught him with her at her work in dec of 2016 and he finally admitted to me he was getting Adderall from her and he know his intentions were nothing more than to use her for pills so even though he knew I wouldn't like it that was why he was there and I know this to be true from the texts I saw... .a couple more months go by someone I hadn't seen in 15 years saw them at a comedy show together and she sent me a pic... .she had made friends with his parents ( who I have no relationship with) in this time and his mom forced my BF to go with her and she even drove them (my boyfriend never rides anywhere his family) I raised heck about it and she went away then weaseled her way back in again because her brother was arrested for something very serious and she ran to my BF once again he said because of his intentions being only to be nice to her as a friend he didn't see why it should matter and hid it from me... .he's very big on intentions... .and she would pop up at his house to play with his dads dogs and shes just a very weird person... .he swears on his life this time hes telling the truth and she is gone and explained to me that it's crappy what he did and he did it for selfish reasons but he had to know he didn't ruin her marriage and he kept her around as long as it took him to figure that out... .despite the fact she was caught multiple times messaging other guys and sending them pics and videos

I told him numerous times if he wants her to just let me go and he has given me laundry lists of reasons why he would never be with her and they all seem legit... .

I want to believe him and let this go but it's hard... .and the petty part of me wants to confront the girl and find out if he's telling the truth but I don't think that's best... .and another part of me beilieves in some way shape or form they are still speaking on some level... .

i'm just in a tough spot... .I want to also just tell him give me your phone and don't ever turn it on silent or turn the screen away from me... .btu when I have he's reacted very poorly... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, L&C, I wonder whether your anxiety arises out of trying to control something (his connection w/her) that is out of your control?  No, I don't recommend that you confront her, which only creates triangulation -- usually a poor strategy.  My suggestion is for you to dig deep and figure out what is acceptable to you, and then use that as your guide.  I find that one's gut feelings are usually on target, so keep listening to yours.

LJ

[lostandconfused6]

the only thing that is acceptable to me is no contact... .i told him a few weeks ago you have been in a lot crap relationships and girls have done the same and worse to you and it made you feel awful why would you willing put me in that position? and he said he never looked at it like that... .and i also told him he's putting himself in a position to lose me very quickly... .he said i chose to stay and i said yes i choose to stay based on your word and promises of not hurting me anymore or doing something that i'm not ok with even if he doesn;t uderstand why i'm not ok with it or doesn't agree with it... .

we will see what happens i have set personal time limits for my self as well as boundaries but it really does suck... .i get so mad that he ever carried his involvement with that girl into (on any level) our relationship i feel like it hurt so much of what could be so great... .he can't even stand up to his mom... .he feels like not dealing with something and sweeping it under the rug is what's best sometimes because it will "go away" which i have proven to him that's not true in many dif. situations... .  but of course he is hard headed... .like i just ogt off the phone with him and he's getting crap from his mom because he wants nothing to do with his sister or her pregnancy and i said tell her the truth and tell her exactly what you told me he said no i'm not doign that i said ok then keep getting crap for it but dont take it out on me if you were honest it would be a lot easier... .

it's like he;s so worried about people's feelings (except mine) he can't just grow a set and be honest with them and he makes stuff so much worse