My intro

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been married for 27 years. About 5 weeks ago, I hit my limit with the verbal abuse of myself and my children, ages 18-26 and asked my husband to move out. My youngest of 4 daughter left for college in August. Over the years I believed it was better for my children to have a father in the house so I made the decision to stay in the marriage through infidelity, through disrespect, through verbal abuse and cruelty aimed at both me and our girls. I had never heard of BPD until a few weeks ago. I attended a new church with my daughters. I cried during the sermon and even though it was a large church, the pastor took notice. He and my son-in-law had mutual friends and connections through a local private Christian school so the pastor decided to meet with my son-in-law for breakfast and in the conversation asked about me. As the pastor listened, he immediately recognized BPD and recommended our family read Stop Walking on Eggshells. It was a bit shocking to read how well my husband was described in the book (high functioning BPD). The pastor has offered our family counseling and individual counseling for me. 

I am here to learn how to better communicate with my husband. I want to stay in the marriage and my goal is restoration and healthy interactions. Most days he is very angry that I have chosen separation. Some days he is loving and apologetic for his abusive behavior. He spends more time in the negative or black side then the positive or white side. He has threatened divorce. Then he has committed to the marriage. Now he is threatening legal separation. I have wrapped up my identity and worth in how he views me and am working to not personalize and to get myself into a healthy mindset. I am a pro a FOG and have done all three for years.

My husband was abused as a child into his early teens - physically and from his parents and sexually from a minor brother (who was also abused by his parents). While my husband has not been officially diagnosed, I also believe he has narcissistic tendencies as he had to look out for himself. It pains me to see him hurting but I'm learning his hurt is not my responsibility.

One of the many reasons I chose separation is due to the affect the abuse has had on my children. I have a daughter who has become abusive (mostly verbal) and abused (sexual, physical, verbal and emotional). She recognizes her own tendencies now that I have taken a stand and is ending her current unhealthy relationship and will be getting help. She is only 24 and has suffered so much including an abusive marriage that ended in divorce, and a teenage relationship with an abuser that is now serving a 70+ year sentence in jail for incest and sexual abuse of minors. She then got into another relationship and was engaged but that is ending as well. I feel so strongly that I must do everything I can to end the cycle of abuse that has continued now for three generations.

I look forward to reading others stories and experiences. It took me a long time to be willing to open up to help because I always sensed our marriage issues weren't "normal" and would be very difficult to deal with. My husband is an incredibly smart person and can read others. I have feared that he would be able to convince anyone I went to for help that I am the problem. While I am getting counseling from the pastor mentioned above, he and I have met twice with an elder in our previous church that knows us both. My husbands willingness to meet for counseling is unpredictable.

[TrailRunner]

I have been married for 27 years. About 5 weeks ago, I hit my limit with the verbal abuse of myself and my children, ages 18-26 and asked my husband to move out. My youngest of 4 daughter left for college in August. Over the years I believed it was better for my children to have a father in the house so I made the decision to stay in the marriage through infidelity, through disrespect, through verbal abuse and cruelty aimed at both me and our girls. I had never heard of BPD until a few weeks ago. I attended a new church with my daughters. I cried during the sermon and even though it was a large church, the pastor took notice. He and my son-in-law had mutual friends and connections through a local private Christian school so the pastor decided to meet with my son-in-law for breakfast and in the conversation asked about me. As the pastor listened, he immediately recognized BPD and recommended our family read Stop Walking on Eggshells. It was a bit shocking to read how well my husband was described in the book (high functioning BPD). The pastor has offered our family counseling and individual counseling for me. 

I am here to learn how to better communicate with my husband. I want to stay in the marriage and my goal is restoration and healthy interactions. Most days he is very angry that I have chosen separation. Some days he is loving and apologetic for his abusive behavior. He spends more time in the negative or black side then the positive or white side. He has threatened divorce. Then he has committed to the marriage. Now he is threatening legal separation. I have wrapped up my identity and worth in how he views me and am working to not personalize and to get myself into a healthy mindset. I am a pro a FOG and have done all three for years.

My husband was abused as a child into his early teens - physically and from his parents and sexually from a minor brother (who was also abused by his parents). While my husband has not been officially diagnosed, I also believe he has narcissistic tendencies as he had to look out for himself. It pains me to see him hurting but I'm learning his hurt is not my responsibility.

One of the many reasons I chose separation is due to the affect the abuse has had on my children. I have a daughter who has become abusive (mostly verbal) and abused (sexual, physical, verbal and emotional). She recognizes her own tendencies now that I have taken a stand and is ending her current unhealthy relationship and will be getting help. She is only 24 and has suffered so much including an abusive marriage that ended in divorce, and a teenage relationship with an abuser that is now serving a 70+ year sentence in jail for incest and sexual abuse of minors. She then got into another relationship and was engaged but that is ending as well. I feel so strongly that I must do everything I can to end the cycle of abuse that has continued now for three generations.

I look forward to reading others stories and experiences. It took me a long time to be willing to open up to help because I always sensed our marriage issues weren't "normal" and would be very difficult to deal with. My husband is an incredibly smart person and can read others. I have feared that he would be able to convince anyone I went to for help that I am the problem. While I am getting counseling from the pastor mentioned above, he and I have met twice with an elder in our previous church that knows us both. My husbands willingness to meet for counseling is unpredictable.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Trailrunner,

Welcome to the family!



I really thank you for sharing your story with us. You sound like a very wise and strong woman with a very good handle on what you and your family have been facing in life. I agree - I think depersonalization and not taking responsibility for things that are definitely not ours to take on are extremely important for our own well-being.

There are wonderful communication tools here to the right of the board: see Basic Tools and Lessons that you will definitely want to study.  And it would be great to discuss the application of these tools as you try them out! We all benefit from sharing our successes and struggles with working with the tools.

Take care!

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome TrailRunner

I'm so glad you've found us. Your story sounds hopeful. It sounds like you are willing to put in some hard limits with the effect of restoring the relationship and you have an excellent support system to help you with that. I am absolutely astounded that your pastor suggested the book to you. It's very rare that churches recognize BPD for what it is but I"m sure he has seen a lot.

I'd like to share another book with you called 10 Life Saving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages .

Your H may not attend counseling with  you. Even if he doesn't you can continue to get counseling for yourself. Keep posting. We have a lot of different lessons on the right side of the page that can help you begin working on new communication skills. There is hope.

[TrailRunner]

Thanks Tattered Heart. I just ordered the book. It is incredible that I ran into a pastor that understands both BPD and NPD.

I haven't been on here in a while because things seemed to be improving for a while. He went to counseling a couple of times (my pastor!). Then it all crashed down. Feels like we are back at square one. My pastor continues to do a great job in counseling  me and suggesting excellent resources. I am learning a lot and am back here studying the lessons and tools. I can see where I have gotten into a pattern of response that is not helpful but has actually made things worse. Much to learn and that actually gives me hope, even when there doesn't appear to be much hope right now.