Tips For Dealing with Email Jabs...

[Klera]

Hi everyone   

No matter how long I've been dealing with when hubby gets 'one of those' out of the blue emails from the kids' mother (PWPBD) it's still annoying as hell.   Not only the contact itself even when it's something relatively straightforward like "where's my child support cheques" I feel myself starting to boil over and then it keeps going for a couple of days.   It's her ___y tone and condescending entitled arrogance.     My DH sent the cheques back in my SS13's backpack after our xmas time along with some other info from his doctor's visit when with us.  His complexion has deteriorated in the past few months since coming off of antibiotics (acne) and my DH took him to his doctor as mumsy dearest can't ever be bothered to help or even appear to acknowledge it (whole other topic!).

About a week after the kids have been back with her, after xmas break with us, this email arrives asking where the cheques are for this year.  The response back was the simple, factual and no emotion kind that he's mastered. "I gave it to (son) to give to you, it's in his backpack. Check it and get back to me".    When she checks SS bag, she returns with:  "well, we shouldn't be using the children for something that is our responsibility" b.s.  Wow! the hypocrisy of her coming back with that one.  She has never missed an opportunity to weaponize the kids using them as a postal service and sending info to us that she knows full well that is not only inappropriate, that is up to her to tell us things,  but was warned by the lawyer not to.  Usually my DH uses registered mail, but not this time thinking it was pretty straightforward.  Nope, apparently not without some drama of course. 

I'm a little annoyed at SS, he is old enough to pull his head out of his arse and how hard was it to say, "here, mom, this is for you" the moment  he got back.  Not unusual for his bag to just sit around at her house for almost 2 weeks apparently without him taking things out.   We seem to be going through this stage right now, I know you out there with kids this age are probably thinking, "yup, I know"... but honestly, still frustrating... .When he's with us, I make him take his bag to his room and he is normally the type of kid that when he was younger would be coached to hand something over as soon as he got in our door with, "here" and it was usually something his mother should have been discussing with dad herself and not using the kids to drop bombs as soon as they came through our door.  Not in this case giving her something she expected and was for her convenience... .

So with one email with 'the tone' and the ___y smugness, her being the hypocrite as usual and not missing an opportunity to try and give a lecture on responsibility to my DH.  If it weren't for him, she'd be homeless and without kids, completely broke as her meal ticket has been the child support.  She is unemployed and always has been.  Grrr... .how dare she lecture my DH on responsibility. 

Thanks for reading.  I know I still don't deal with things well.  After all it's only been a decade give or take a few months... .(sigh).   I try to take care of myself and have tools to mentally try and let go of this stuff but I have trouble and stew on things too much which is why I share here because I know someone who is reading this can relate and I'm grateful for your feedback.  He sends me copies with her address on them and honestly after a couple glasses of wine I'm ready to rip her a new one and return the favour but of course I don't... .can't... .just stay silent, smile and wave.  The protectiveness is always stronger.

Happy New Year to all my fellow step moms!

[livednlearned]

Hi Klera,

I understand how these scenarios can be triggering (especially if you may independently have family of origin issues around feeling powerless).

Nothing like coparenting with a BPD parent to feel like the rudder fell off the boat. 

Have you tried setting some limits on what comes across your radar? Maybe ask husband to not send you copies anymore? You want to be protective and support him, which is so kind. At the same time, is it helping you (and your relationship) if you are left gnashing your teeth?

In my relationship with SO, we sometimes do a sort of check-in about things, kind of test the waters to see if I really want to know. I think choosing to take care of myself like this has made him feel stronger with this stuff. He sees I'm handling things well and he gets a bump in strength from that, and he knows that our relationship is about us, not her. When I really need to blow steam, I talk to my T so that my relationship is not saddled with BPD drama any more than necessary.

There's a saying here about not letting your BPD person rent space in your head  

You deserve to have your marriage be about you two, as much as possible.

[Klera]

Thanks Livenlearned,

I have tried to set limits which does help.  I've disengaged and asked for him not to let me know if he gets contact from her for periods at a time.   There can be discussions back and forth between the two of them which eventually surfaces once the kids are with us and then I'm updated.   At that point I feel like I should have been informed earlier on some matters especially if it's about activities during our time because I don't like things being sprung on me at the last minute.  I have to trust him and have asked for him to use his discretion what he feels is 'important' enough to involve me if he hears from her, whether or not I need to know like you do.  It's tricky and still trying to deal with the rudder falling off the boat! 

I don't have a T but I admire how you deal with things in your relationship.  The fact that he gets strength when you are dealing with things well and taking care of yourself makes me want to try harder at that in mine.

I love that about not letting her rent space in my head! I've remembered that at times, not so much at others but that helps me a great deal.

Thank you 

[Nope]

I can totally relate to this. Most emails coming from the kid's mom have always been filled with entitlement, hypocrisy, and a snotty attitude. And she doesn't even have custody. Kids live with us and see her a couple of times a year. Oh, and she's months behind on her child support.

So, in short, don't ever expect it to change no matter what else changes. She will always communicate the same way. You can't control that. What you can control is how you react to it. I've learned to smile and shrug it off. Anything we say about it will just let her know we care and make her feel important. Your DH is doing great in only responding to what requires a response. Her "you shouldn't be doing XYZ" response can be ignored.

The thing I've noticed as the kids are getting older (both are teens now) is that they do remember and recognize who puts them in the middle and who shields them from the conflict. Yes, you are likely right that SS could have said he had papers for her. But during and after a parenting exchange that is probably the last thing on his mind. For my two, the second they get into their uBPDm's car at an exchange she starts interrogating them about everything that goes on in our house. They are happy to see her, but on the stressed out and on the defensive because of her questioning. They also are just looking forward to seeing the people they care about on her end and they simply don't have the priorities that us adults have.

[livednlearned]

The fact that he gets strength when you are dealing with things well and taking care of yourself makes me want to try harder at that in mine.

I should add that it goes both ways for us, because I have a BPD ex also  

I wish I was a quick learner and could say that this all happened while enjoying a sunny day at the beach, but no. Apparently I like to make things as difficult as possible before learning my lessons  

There is BPD in my family of origin, and my ex is BPD. Then I met and fall in love with someone who has a BPD ex. And then, cherry on top, he has a D20 who is very likely BPD (diagnosed bipolar). I mean, gah.

When D20 came to live with us, I had to get my head around the emotional triggering. I didn't want to feel that way anymore and fortunately there are ways to work through stuff and get better.

One example I've shared elsewhere on the board is when SO and his uBPD/dx bipolar D20 were having a conversation a few feet away from me. They weren't even talking to me, or about me. Even so, I  found myself feeling full-throttle seething rage. From working on things in therapy, I could see (and felt vulnerable to admit, even to myself) that I was feeling enraged about competing for scarce resources (SO's love) with someone needy and disordered, a dynamic almost identical to how I felt as a child with a BPD brother who endangered me, and monopolized my parents' attention.

Intense feelings often come from stuff that hasn't been processed. Doesn't mean that D20 is blameless, only to say that we tend to get triggered more by our own unprocessed feelings. Once there is some sunlight on the matter, triggering is less an issue and you can more easily depersonalize the BPD behaviors that are out of your control. When that happens, boundaries come almost naturally, I find.

Sometimes the advice we share here sounds so cheery and easy, but in my experience, it is borne from a pretty dark place. For me, it comes from a combination of pain and outright exhaustion. The old ways ceased to work and I got tired of feeling bad. And if I didn't want to feel bad, I had to take care of myself in the million and one ways that go with that work.

Taking care of yourself might be bumpy at times. It was uneven when I started, and a bit rough around the edges. I remember early on when I didn't want D20 to invade my private time with SO, I was a little more rigid and all elbows. Now, I can say things to SO with total vulnerability and love, expressing genuine feelings before they turn into anger or something else that makes me feel worse. When I say something that is about me taking care of myself, without expecting him to change, he seems to change. I don't know how that works, it just does. Some rule of physics, probably  

[zachira]

Print out all emails that attack you, and keep them as documentation! You never know when you might need this documentation for proof of what the BPD is like! This is also an action that may help you to feel more self assured as you are doing something positive to counteract the BPD's dumping on you what they cannot accept about themselves.
In my experience, persons with BPD are often experts at putting on a convincing facade that they are the good one and you are the one acting badly. I would pick a specific time to read emails when it is easier to read them and recover, and maybe only read emails every few days.

[Klera]

Hi everyone 

This is  long but I just wanted to write.  When I re read some of my posts I think (know) that I go into too much detail but for me it helps to write it all out which is why I like this site.  You can read it or not, up to you. And for anyone who just reads and doesn't post, please consider joining and sharing.  It was quite some time before I jumped in but I've found it helpful for me to know others out there can relate.   

Thank you LNL, I can agree that my triggers are most likely unprocessed feelings of powerlessness.  I would say that family of origin definitely has much to do with all of that (very common) but I didn't have pwBPD to deal with, just other stuff.  Very interesting to know and understand what your triggers are, so thank you for sharing that, very interesting to reflect on yourself so that you can learn to handle things better which is really the only thing you can control.  I haven't yet read the book, "The Dance with Anger" but was told it would be good for me to do so.  Still on my 'to read' list.  I like to read novels and not self help books but occasionally I'll take a glance at one.  I complain of my DH exwife: pwBPD but I also need to take a look at myself and if I contribute to conflict.  I don't think that I do directly, my DH and I discuss (with stress) what is going on with the ex's emails and why she is contacting him (about the kids) but usually it is her trying to "bait" him into some engagement of dialogue (poking at the triggers for a fight) that is always unnecessary.   That is when I lose it and feel powerless.  I fantasize about responding to her emails to suggest she take a long drive off of a short pier and that nobody would miss her... . 

We only would document transgressions made by the kids' mother when they were small and we used to have 50-50 custody.  Emails are easily kept and stored but they are never directed to me personally, only sent to DH.  In a decade, the kids' mom and I have never communicated directly with each other.  That was established very early on when I knew she had several 'screws loose' and I did not want to exacerbate her anger and hostility towards him any more than it was and can be.  Once I realized her seeing me in person on my own doorstep, receiving the kids caused an uproar from her, we switched how we exchanged them by DH doing the pick up and drop off's so neither of us (ladies) saw the other one in person and he could control the punctuality and time.  I did nothing, honest, to instigate any conflict with her even though I dearly liked to (in defence).  It took, and still does, all of my will not to give her a piece of my mind.   Speaking of which, in a decade, my DH says to me:  "you know you'd think after all this time, she'd cease being less vengeful, spiteful and not use any opportunity to take a swipe at me"  "Oh dream on!" we both say in unison to that one!    Good god this woman is such a pain in the arse, she's at us yet, again... .like in that movie:  when Glenn Close keeps getting up from beneath the water in the bath tub scene... .you know what I'm talking about... .

Not a huge deal (issues), except any contact from her completely annoys me.  Regardless if he shares it with me at the time, I find out eventually what she says or does.  It's too hard for DH to completely keep things to himself and we do like to share so that we help each other with any stress that we are holding on to. 

We got an email recently her stating that she has surgery coming up and could we exchange weekends.  One of which, is a long weekend.  She made it sound that she 'just got' the date however I think she was given several to choose from.  It turns out that week the kids have a couple of days off from school as well, what a coincidence and how convenient for her... .hhmm... She's organized only to make the effort to make something work for her.    She proceeds to go on seeking sympathy in her tone, as she is asking her favour about how she plans the schedule could be changed to suit her.   BTW, she also has 2 other instances of asking us to take the kids for extra nights in the past year or two that we haven't asked in return (yet).   She goes on to say that she will be staying 2 nights in the hospital but can we take the kids that weekend after.  Huh?  If anything it would make sense for the kids to stick around to help her recover.   My DH caught on quickly and before anything else, asked her what her arrangements are for the kids when she is in hospital, details she conveniently omitted.  Then we went out for awhile and let her stew in that email.   Quickly she gets back and says basically that she hadn't planned on anything except leave the kids by themselves (SS13 SD14) for 2 days and 2 nights.      That angered my DH more than anything.  "In what capacity does she think that is at all appropriate?"  we ask ourselves.   My DH has more self-togetherness and control than anyone when it comes to dealing with an ex spouse who has BPD and the mother of his kids.  When we both stop and realize that we will never have the luxury of 'normal' or dealing with a mother that is rational, selfless, common sensed or even have slight empathy towards her own kids and their needs... .we have to sigh and learn to deal with how we react to her shenanigans, constantly.

Once that she admitted to not having plans in place for the kids while she is away in hospital, she then quickly reneged on asking us to switch weekends (for her to have 3 extra days to herself while she recovers from surgery).    She told us of this possible upcoming surgery a year ago without asking for a favour at that time.  I knew she had this up her sleeve to ask us to take the kids back then but she didn't. So we waited. Instead she leaves it right up to a couple weeks before she needs something from us and with a tone of entitlement and the snap of her fingers, wanted a response asap so that, if not, she could make other arrangements.  It sounded to me like she had already assumed it was a go before she even asked us.  Typical, but not her worst feature.

As it now stands,  once my DH told her that not only would we take the kids the days and nights she is in hospital (of course), that we would take them for the entire long weekend too.  This would amount to 5 days plus 2 days for the other times she has asked us to take them for various reasons that we haven't asked her to return the favour.   My DH said 7 days will be deducted from spring break (he governs the parent schedule, she cannot be trusted to do so).  WELL, we got this, "never mind!, it's all sorted" kind of response.   Once she knew that she had to pay us back or return a favour she was gone.   You'd think that would be fine but it isn't.  We still do not know what her plans are for the kids and we are assuming that they are going to be alone.  That still has to be sorted out.  We see the kids this weekend, so it will be interesting to see what they will divulge to him.

Then another whammy comes:  "Oh btw, I took (son) to doctor today, he is still coughing (from coming back from your house after xmas) in accusatory tone like it's our fault he caught a virus... (eye roll) so he was put on inhaler.  Oh for god's sake.  It's a virus, and yes it can get annoying, dry on the tubes, but she has to rush him to the Dr and display she is some sort of super mummy (MOTY) all attentive suddenly by exaggeration.  If she could have the kid in a body cast she'd command it, and it's not the first time.   She's either completely (most of the time) neglectful (diet, hygiene, basic parenting skills, medical attention, glasses, dentist etc) or she goes full tilt showdown in order to show she somehow can be the best mummy ever. 

My DH just got off the phone text with SS13 and he told him his cough was fine and getting better and so is he feels, his acne improving according to SS.  Now all of a sudden the dim wit rushes him to the Dr because according to her, he's practically dying of coughing.  She did this on another occasion with SS returning back from our house when he stumbled and fell and hurt his wrist, a  slight strain.  He was fine, my DH has extensive first aid experience not to mention just plain old common sense. It might be sore, but it was fine and not at all broken with any symptoms of that.   When SS went back to mumsy and she heard of this, proceeded to rush him in to get xrays in this (how dare you) motion that she is dying to 'catch' us being bad parents.  My DH calmed him (kid has anxiety on top of this) out of believing his wrist was broken before he went back to mom's.   This isn't about her having empathy, it's about her attempt to make herself look like she is a caring mother suddenly, because we just discovered about the issue of her leaving the kids on their own when she goes into hospital.  Then she proceeds to tell us that she doesn't think his acne medication is working either now.  Another jab at DH. History:  My SS has had chronic untreated (off and on) acne since he was 8 years old (yes) because of his mother's neglect of care and shameful hygiene practices.  We've tried for years and finally at the ages of 12 and 13 get a doctor to treat it but before then we helped with over the counter products and taught him how to care for his skin and try to prevent the outbreaks.  Now, with last straw, antibiotics.  Then he went off the antibiotics after a few months recently after the course ended. SSs's skin deteriorated for weeks after that without her taking action or follow up with Dr. She has shared custody full time so we only see them every second weekend.   When SS was with us for xmas DH had enough and took him in to Dr and had him put on another course of medication for this type of severe acne.  It causes the skin to dry up so you have to drink a lot of water and perhaps something for the lips to keep moist.  My DH sent him back after xmas with all the instructions and what happened with Dr's visit.  She couldn't be bothered to notice or care that for weeks, his skin was deteriorating prior to that.  She only responded to email with 'thanks'. 

This email from her now stating, 'she doesn't think that the medication is working' is nothing more than her being threatened and spiteful that DH makes the effort for son's care.  I know pwBPD project or whatever the term is, that they can't handle their own actions or what they do, or how they are, so they blame you instead.  That's so predictable from her but not any less stressful and frustrating that she has the audacity to lash at DH in contempt and criticism.

We are now just feeling the backlash of her galling emails about everything.  It can be silent for weeks and suddenly we get all this contact.    It could be the stress about her upcoming surgery (basic procedure nothing too complex) but more likely it's us finding out her lack of plans for caring for the kids and/or she was planning on them not being around her.  Since they were little she couldn't wait to drop them off at daycare or some sort of activity if they weren't coming to our house and she didn't work or have a job, she just did not want to look after them... .too lazy.  She treated us and still does, like we owe her, her free time with entitlement.  She's a bio mother but never seems to have accepted the responsibility or obligations that being a parent entails.    No shocker there!   Like the wiring has never attached itself to the 'love and sacrifice' spark plug in the brain cells. 

You'd think we would throw in the towel and take them (full custody).  If my DH could live in peace without her causing trouble we would.  Even though he loves his kids beyond measure, if we had them full time we would never get rid of their mother causing  pure hell and trouble so we had to make the decision for him to have them every second weekend.  He suffered PTSD from years of her abuse even before they got divorced and then afterwards.  I couldn't believe what he went through with her.   They are now 13 and 14, very mature and aware now. Thank you about the comment that kids know the difference of who protects (loves) them and who uses them for conflict.   Their bond with their dad is amazing and I'm so proud of him as a father.   My SS is well aware that his mom causes trouble now.  She got in the middle of him and his dad meeting up before he went on a school trip to say goodbye to each other before he left.  She is such a manipulative b----ch that's the stuff that makes my blood boil... .any chance she gets to stick a knife into the 'good' that DH does, she never ceases to mess with anything in order to do it.  She will never be trusted or forgiven for all the trouble she has caused.

So still trying to learn how to control how I react to things, her contacting my DH, her vindictive and snotty emails full of b.s. and trying to project back to us that our parenting is flawed and criticizes us when it's her that should not have kids at all, she doesn't care about them, only herself and how she looks to the outside world.   Now she is beyond lazy and will probably just let the kids come and go and not keep track.  My DH contacts them at least twice a week to keep tabs and they are really good now at responding.  At first it was like pulling teeth with keeping their phones on and charged so he could get through to them.

Oh yes, and btw she switched doctors.  I heard that this is common too.  My SS13 has been seeing this one Dr that specializes in kids/youth (a GP) and he has been great with son's skin problem when my DH can get him in to see him. His mom couldn't be bothered to follow up last summer, she was supposed to but the receptionist told us she was having a 'hard time reaching her' to bring him in.  Then a stupid phone consult was arranged instead by dumb mum.   SS can't speak to the doctor on the phone at school (Fall) she was too lazy to bring SS to doctor for his skin check up he somehow agrees to do it by phone (arrgh).  That's why at xmas break, my DH just throws up his hands and does it himself.  He has to.    Now with this new medication, god knows what will happen.  She went to another Dr (same clinic) for the inhaler and then snarles to us about the new medication that she thinks is not working.   He is supposed to have a blood test end of January so we'll see if she bothers.    My DH has arranged that the Dr keep him posted and to let him know if she cancels. 

LNL:  I'm in my early 50's and still learning to take care of myself! you'd think we'd get this by now, right? So it's still a challenge.  It's been 10 years now since dealing with kids mom and her antics, the way she is, the way she parents (or doesn't)  My DH is quite level headed, only answers emails with SET method, does all the stuff right, no drama, no engaging, no taking the bait, classy, calm... .and lordy is she ever good at trying to start a fight.  My DH's T told him, "Borderlines like to set you on fire and watch you burn"  which is a harsh way of describing how much they like to go for your weak spots and try to get a reaction (fighting or dialogue)... .Lovely stuff.   My nerves are not made for this and I want to not go grey any faster than I have to.

Well, thanks for reading.  I might edit this and cut it down or I might post the whole thing.  One thing I'd like to say here is that regardless of the issues at hand,  whether they may seem trivial, small or not that important, they still can make you feel like they are huge.  I know there are others going through so much more and I'm truly sorry.  We can get support no matter what we may face with the disordered person in our lives.   I'm thankful that we can all contribute and share with each other.  And thanks to everyone who try and offer support, it really means a lot that others can relate to what we go through especially step parents (my case) who often feel powerless.

 
Cheers,
Klera

[Turkish]

Are the kids going to be alone for 48 hours (say) while she's in the hospital? Is this legal at their ages in your jurisdiction? Sounds neglectful and abandoning to me. That doesn't sound like a custody schedule, as in retaining custody for that period.

Alone for a few hours at that age is one thing. Overnight? You and their dad have a right to know what is her safety plan.

[livednlearned]

So still trying to learn how to control how I react to things

Controlling our reactions is a goal, I agree. Though if controlling means stuffing feelings, that's never worked for me for long and  just built up intense resentment. Venting can be helpful, but it can also keep conflict going, both internally and externally.

DH's T told him, "Borderlines like to set you on fire and watch you burn"

Does that help your H to have a counselor who says that? It's not the same approach my T took and I'm not sure it would've guided me toward the kind of detachment needed. It sounds like he's detaching as much as possible, so maybe it helps validate him.

My T took almost a functional compassionate approach, meaning that she characterized the main BPD issue as one dealing with emotions, helping me pay closer attention to what the emotional core issue driving things might be, and then working backwards from there, to lack of boundaries or desperate behaviors or poor problem-solving, all things that someone with BPD struggles with.

Like with BPD D20, I realized she wasn't trying to set me on fire, she was desperately trying to get a core emotional need met, using me to get it, or her dad or whatever. It doesn't mean she gets a free pass on the kooky behaviors, but it did make it easier to unwind from the drama.

And paying attention to her emotions made me much more aware of mine. I got better at realizing when my emotions were jacked up, and learned what I needed to say and do to get me to a better place. That first summer with D20 was a mess. My emotions were triggered just hearing D20 breathe. Her steps on the stairs, watching her car pull up to the house, opening the fridge, I mean gah. That's a me problem. T spent a lot of time helping me identify what those feelings were about and coming up with strategies to cool my jets in a healthy way, which is a word that never goes with easy 

That's why taking care of ourselves is so important. I can't get to a compassionate place with emotionally reactive people if I'm not feeling emotionally level myself. Which is why emotion stuffing isn't helpful for me. It just builds up and then comes flying out sideways at the wrong person. Then I feel ashamed or angry about losing my cool.

It might feel counterintuitive to build compassion for the person who is wreaking so much havoc in your life. Having compassion doesn't mean you have to like her or let her walk all over your family, and you can still vent and roll your eyes  . It's mainly a way to help you lean hard into the emotional space that both of you occupy instead of avoiding it, which is how I was raised.

And honestly, being compassionate at times meant leaving the house. I knew the first Christmas in our new house, I was not going to handle things well with D20 here. So I booked a flight to see my best friend, and S16 and I spent the holidays with people who showered us with love. It was great! SO was a bit bummed, and I think also a bit relieved. When we celebrate holidays, I make sure my time with D20 is structured and limited, and I also know that if I spend time with her one-on-one, the rest of the visit is going to be easier to manage. And by easier to manage, I mean that she will be less needy with SO, and I will feel less triggered, and if D20 is emotionally level, then SO won't get into rescue behaviors, which drive me nuts. That means spending structured time with D20 on my terms was in a roundabout way taking care of myself.

I hope this doesn't all sound saintly, because that's not my intention. It's the hardest work I've ever done and there are moments when I want to smash windows and break plates. It's also the only practice or set of skills that has been effective at unhooking me. Your situation will be a bit different because the BPD behaviors come to you through your H and the kids. Even so, the same stuff applies to people who by proxy bring BPD conflict to you.

What I said to my T is that I don't want to feel bad anymore. I don't want to feel powerless. I don't want to feel victimized.

Up until then, I was kind of in the grips of the drama, sort of feeding off it while hating it at the same time. Kind of like the late stages of an addiction, I suppose