My Story...

[Macemace]

I am living with a very good man whom I love very much who has 2 kids. E who is 16 almost 17. He is a super bright athletic social kid.  We have had our challenges but since he was forced to go counseling with his mom a few times we have started to communicate better with each other.

L is 14 and smart, sweet and funny. She is struggling a bit with her mom and us and I think is overwhelmed with all of this.

D my partner was married for about 15 years. The ex-wife showed signs of BPD early on but he didn't think much of it. She would have her outbursts and then it would be over. I think with having kids and the stress and pressure of kids and life took it's toll on her and life became unmanageable. When he saw a way out... .he took it. They have been divorced for about 3 or 4 years. At first the kids were with her most of time but we finally bought a home together and then the arrangement for 50/50 shared custody was in place. We would switch on Mondays.

D and I are no where near perfect but there is no screaming and yelling and we have a relative peaceful household. We have a great yard and the kids windows lookout on a beautiful tree. I think they like being here. We have little drama except when we get side railed by the ex.

The kids before Christmas decided to come live with us. It was actually Ewho exploded and tried to get out and leave the her house. She stood in front of the car and wouldn't let him leave. Now it had just snowed and the roads were snowy and it was dark and they were icey. He somehow got by her and drove to our home about a mile away. She followed him and he locked himself inside our house and texted us. She banged on all the doors and cried and screamed and called and texted him... .We were at a friends house... .E texted and we left... .By the time we got the texts she had left. Normally, D would go talk with her and her boyfriend who is an alcoholic still struggling with sobriety. (they fight and D would go over a referee.  This time I was "done"... .I went along too.  

We pull up and head toward the house and she opens her car door and asks ... .What's up like nothing had happened.  I for the first time lost it... .Basically said this is crazy behavior and until she gets her crap together we are taking the kids.  Now up until now, D and I together and separately have told the kids they could leave the situation over there anytime... .they are welcome here etc. But we all know for a kid to come that conclusion is a difficult decision. I never pushed and left it up to them. I could see after talking with E he was obviously rattled but honestly I could see that he had dealt with kind of behavior way too often and he was just done for now. He said he wanted to stay and so he did. Monday came and It was our week and L came over and never left. They are still with us about 6 weeks later.

With all of this, she wanted the kids back right away and she blamed D "for keeping the kids away from her and brainwashing them against her"  And so it goes... .She had been in therapy with her boyfriend for his drinking prior and so she called this therapist and started to see him again. I tell you all of this because this is where the diagnosis of BPD has been brought to our attention.  After seeing the therapist about 4 times she asked to get the kids back... .the kids aren't ready. The kids have gone to the therapist separately from their mother and once each with her. I went to see the therapist to shed a little more light on the situation. I wanted the therapist to meet me and see who I was and told him how I think the kids are done for now... .she needs to show improvement in her responses to them and situations... .that I am not sure she understands that. I asked about medication and  he told me that in these situations... .medicine does not work. This is when I learned the term personality disorder. He was very broad and did not speak of the ex's illness directly but I did go home and start searching on line for information.

It really helped to read about it and I felt better about knowing what was really wrong with the ex. Now, I feel overwhelmed and sad. I asked D to go see the therapist and he did. He now has a plan in place next time the ex goes into one of her rages and calls and texts 30 times. We know if she shows up at the door how to handle calling the police. We also know that L has shut down and she needs more help than E. D is unemployed and we are going though our savings and home equity line. We stopped giving the ex child support because the kids are with us 24/7. We cannot afford to pay her and have the kids here too.  This is after going to court and taking her support way down which forced her to get a job... .which has been good for her and everyone around her. D used to call it hush money but it never really worked and we went into debt paying her all that support. She is not good financially... .tell us she has only 31 dollars in her account but then gives her daughter $150 to go skiing with a friend and her family. Says she has no money for food but then buys her son a new pair of sperry shoes. She lies and then I think forgets what she tells us?  

I need help for myself so I can continue to help these kids deal the best they can with their mom. I want them to have a relationship with their mother but i want to model good boundaries in dealing with her. We are off our game right now in many ways... .but we can't stop trying... .I am just at a loss of what to do next.

Hope this gives you some insight to our situation here.

[david]

Welcome to this site. In the beginning, with my ex, I had no idea what a personality disorder was. Once I heard about it things started adding up and making sense.
Since the kids have been with you for this amount of time I would make sure I document everything I can in case you wind up in court. I am not sure but not paying child support without a change in the court order is a violation. I am not sure how the courts handle such things. That is a legal issue that you should investigate. You may have to initiate a change and the courts will calculate things based on the date of filing. Again, I am not certain and you need to talk to an attorney about that.
In my county kids at age 14 can be asked by the courts where they want to live. The courts will listen to them. At 17 I don't think courts would interfere.
Having evidence of a drinking problem would be helpful in court. I believe hearsay about a drinking problem will not be that helpful in court. If you have texts or emails from ex telling you about the drinking I would make sure to save them and print them out.

[livednlearned]

Welcome to the site, and sorry for what brings you here, Macemace.

It's great that the kids have a safe place with you and their dad, and that they have the strength to know when and how to take care of themselves. I know it's not the best circumstances under which to stand up for themselves, but it's also not easy to manage an emotionally dysregulated parent, and yet somehow they found that strength.

It's also great that there is a therapist involved, who is able to make sense of biomom's behaviors, and who the kids seem to trust and will talk to. The earlier and more often they go, the better their chances of finding someone "normal" in their own intimate partnerships.

I would be a bit worried about D14's habit of "refereeing" her mom and boyfriend's issues. That sounds like a perfect set up for other codependent behaviors, giving her a rescuer/fixer sense of identity (leading her to pick "broken" people to fix). Does she tend to be a caretaker type? She may also feel responsible in some way for not being able to manage her mom's feelings -- BPD parents can "adultify" or "parentify" a child, inverting the normal parent-child role so that the child feels an unhealthy sense of responsibility.

One way to help them heal is to validate how they feel, and it sounds like you may already be on your way to doing that intuitively.  

Is biomom coming by the house or trying to actively reach them right now? Do either of the kids want to see her (like somewhere neutral)?

You're doing a good job in a tough situation

LnL

[Panda39]

Hi Macemace,

I identify with your story, my Significant Other (SO) also has an undiagnosed BPD Ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they have 2 daughters. 

The ex pre-divorce had primary custody of the then 9 & 13 year old girls, my SO was an every other weekend dad plus one night a week for dinner.

After a tough 2 year divorce that included Parental Alienation my SO was awarded primary custody 5 days a week plus 1 weekend a month, mom because of her instability was down to 3 weekends a month.  (She was evicted 3 times, couch surfed at several people's houses, and lived/lives in a hotel)

She is not good financially... .tell us she has only 31 dollars in her account but then gives her daughter $150 to go skiing with a friend and her family. Says she has no money for food but then buys her son a new pair of sperry shoes.

I recognize this kind of behavior too... .overly indulgent and neglectful all at the same time and gifts with strings 
We saw this kind of behavior too.

In 2015 when daughters were 18 and 14, mom sent D18 to a private college in New England with the promise that a "Family Trust" would pay for the balance of tuition after grants, scholarships & loans.  My SO warned his daughter but mom show her convincing documentation of the "Trust".  Daughter went off to her first semester came home for Christmas break and was told not to come back due to lack of payment.  Because D18 was an adult and she was the student she now owe this college $15,000.

Summer 2015 year mom sent D14 to "camp" out of state.  4 days in my SO gets a call from D14 (who was told by her mother not to tell her dad where she was) that she is not in fact at camp but at the house of the parents of a friend of moms.  She did not pay for camp and sent D14 to camp on a one way ticket so she was stuck at the home of someone she didn't know.    It took several family members and some time but we got her home.

In 2015 both girls voted with their feet and stopped seeing their mother, they too had hit their limit.  D21 is no contact with her mother and D17 is low contact... .phone/texts/sometimes meet for coffee or lunch.  Both learned the hard way that they could not rely on their mother and are doing what they can to protect themselves.  D17 has been diagnosed with PTSD and has regular therapy for support and D21 is just living her life (she has about 1 year to go before graduating from her local State University)

It really helped to read about it and I felt better about knowing what was really wrong with the ex.

I agree getting a good understanding of BPD really helped me too, unfortunately it took a while for my SO to discover BPD and a little longer to make our way to this site.  But to me knowledge is power, once I learned about BPD and came here and got some help with my anger, then I could start learning tools that I have found helpful both in terms of my SO's ex and in life in general.

Now, I feel overwhelmed and sad. I asked D to go see the therapist and he did.

What about a Therapist for you?  Is the cost making it prohibitive? You always have us 


You mentioned wanting to set boundaries, here are some links to more information on that topic... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Hang in there you aren't alone 

Panda39