Working Through a Devaluation Period

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My relationships have always been normal and supportive. No drama, no stress. Even "exes" are still friends. (Every one of them.) My love life has been easy and nice. Friends become lovers, and lovers become friends. Sometimes. It's part of the life cycle. Never had a bad break up, or a bad relationship.

Until now, which is how I found my way here. I don't know all the acronyms used on this site. My partner/boyfriend comes from an abusive household (BPD violent mom, alco-distant dad) and has severe BPD, himself, diagnosed. We have been together for two years. He has two wonderful kids whom I have bonded with, and they the same with me. We all live together. We have for a year and a half. It seemed at first to be great.

But now he is splitting me black, devaluing me, and abusing me. I say nothing to the kids or our friends, because they don't see it. Nor do they need to. But I am trapped and isolated, and I maybe should leave, but I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing. I hide it all in front of our families and loved ones, but when they are not looking, he beats the crap out of me. (Literally and physically.)

I don't know what to do now. Leaving him isn't so easy. We have a home together, family ties. We have built so much together, but he destroys me daily. Still, this is my person, and I have always been loyal to him.

I'm not actually sure if I have a question here. I might have just needed to vent and go to bed.

Thank you for having this kind of forum.  

[BasementDweller]

My relationships have always been normal and supportive. No drama, no stress. Even "exes" are still friends. (Every one of them.) My love life has been easy and nice. Friends become lovers, and lovers become friends. Sometimes. It's part of the life cycle. Never had a bad break up, or a bad relationship.

Until now, which is how I found my way here. I don't know all the acronyms used on this site. My partner/boyfriend comes from an abusive household (BPD violent mom, alco-distant dad) and has severe BPD, himself, diagnosed. We have been together for two years. He has two wonderful kids whom I have bonded with, and they the same with me. We all live together. We have for a year and a half. It seemed at first to be great.

But now he is splitting me black, devaluing me, and abusing me. I say nothing to the kids or our friends, because they don't see it. Nor do they need to. But I am trapped and isolated, and I maybe should leave, but I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing. I hide it all in front of our families and loved ones, but when they are not looking, he beats the crap out of me. (Literally and physically.)

I don't know what to do now. Leaving him isn't so easy. We have a home together, family ties. We have built so much together, but he destroys me daily. Still, this is my person, and I have always been loyal to him.

I'm not actually sure if I have a question here. I might have just needed to vent and go to bed.

Thank you for having this kind of forum.  

[pearlsw]

Hi BasementDweller,

I could very much relate to some of what you wrote, such as this:

My relationships have always been normal and supportive. No drama, no stress. Even "exes" are still friends. (Every one of them.) My love life has been easy and nice. Friends become lovers, and lovers become friends. Sometimes. It's part of the life cycle.

Until now, which is how I found my way here.  

Your situation is very concerning. Have you done a domestic violence threat assessment yet? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301379.0

Until you have a grip on this element of the relationship, the element of physical abuse, I'm afraid the other tools here are not up to the task.

I know how hard it is to wrap your mind around mistreatment when you have not experienced it in the past. But you are where you are now and we're here to listen and support as you sort this all out.

Is there anyone you can confide in at all? Have you called any Domestic Violence Hotlines to see what they can advise?

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[BasementDweller]

Hi, pearlsw.

I haven't done the assessment yet, no. There were 3 episodes of violence, every one of them exacerbated by him consuming alcohol. (I know this is not an excuse, merely a contributing factor.)

The last episode got quite bad, and the police came to our house. This was in June, so six months ago. They did not go so easy on him, and really put the fear into him that he could be arrested, and social services may need to interfere on the childrens' behalf. A few days later, his his ex-wife (the kids' mother) found out about this spectacle, and called to let him know in no uncertain terms that if this was the kind of household he was running, then she would take measures to protect her kids from having to be exposed to it. (A thinly veiled threat to sue for full custody.) He also realized that this might be the straw that breaks the camel's back in me actually finding the will to leave, even if I do still love him. It's almost embarrassing, to be saying that. I'm a grown woman, never been accused of being "stupid", and I never thought I would be in this type of situation.

He has not put his hands on me since, but the psychological abuse has worsened, as that is his only way of being able to vent now, so he's really laying it on thick. But he has admitted remorse for the physical behaviors, and sworn that it never happened before, and won't again. To his credit, at least for now, it hasn't.

However - he finally consented to therapy, and we have gone once, and he has consented to continue. He has voluntarily curbed his alcohol intake to a resonable level that has not contributed to any further meltdowns. (He still has them, but sober, now.)   

This is the first tiny ray of hope I have had in two years. He admits he has borderline personality disorder, and that it is ruining his life, and the lives of those around him. And he is now, (FOR now) finally in therapy, and accepting the reality of his diagnosis, though it's a bitter pill for him to swallow. Our therapist told him in the first meeting that if there is even a hint of violence, a push, shove, anything - he will dismiss him as a patient and report him to the authorities. I nearly fell out of my chair at that moment, and was afraid he'd storm out of the room. But... .he actually nodded and said "Yes, I understand." Then I REALLY almost fell out of my chair.

The reason I felt compelled to post here last night is because the acceptance of this diagnosis, and even ONE therapy session has already begun to rip his blinders off, and he's now looking within himself, and beginning to see his own inner demons. He has begun to read articles about the disorder, and is seeing himself in the descriptions. This morning (after I posted here) he was being typically petulant and difficult, but told me that one of the things he hated so much was that I was right about him and that I am the first person to ever stick around despite his attempts to push me away, and he both hated and loved me for that. He said he destroys everything he loves, and I am the one person who has so far not consented to letting him do that. He was actually a little bit angry about it, but I imagine it's not easy to admit - or to be stood up to the way that I do. He asked why I didn't "just make it easy on myself and 'go' like everyone else had". I told him it was because I'm not a disposable object, and neither is he. He went quiet after that. Not sure what state he'll be in once we both get home from work. That exchange will either soothe or provoke something in him. I don't know which it will be.

[pearlsw]

Hi BasementDweller,

Thanks for sharing these extra details. It helps give a fuller picture of the situation. It is good that he has this framework around him to help support him in making some changes. Now, let's focus on you a bit!

I'll tell ya what I did when I started to recognize that my partner had some BPD traits, basically I decided that I had to toss all I thought I knew about relationships and rebuild from the ground up. Like you, I've basically had healthy relationships (not without isolated issues here and there, but nothing like I am currently dealing with) and thought I knew what was what. I didn't. You have to be careful not to set yourself into some kind of position as being the healthy one and he the messed up one. You have a relationship and being on the same side of things, on the same team, can go a long way to helping him and you with this. Validation and acceptance can go a long way to making things better and you have a huge role to play in making things better if you are together.

Again, I strongly suggest you drop all you thought you knew and read and reread here, and share situations on the board, and ask questions, and practice the tools in the workshops here with a fresh set of eyes. The things you learn here may not make things all better, but they can definitely help you not make things worse!

Are you examining yourself? Are you aware of any issues of enabling you may or may not have?

[BasementDweller]

Thank you so much for those kind and insightful words. I really appreciate it.

I know that I have developed some enabling behaviors, and that they were never present in any of my relationships before. When I first met my partner, he told me of his mother's abuse, and how as a result of that, he became timid and sensitive as a child, and was also bullied badly by other kids. One of the bullies was female, interestingly enough, and she tormented him in the neighborhood park near where they lived and hit him with a baseball bat.

When I learned all this, of course it evoked sympathy and empathy, and I suppose, I let him get away with a lot, because I kept rationalizing it by saying “he can’t help it, he’s been abused”…

Eventually, I began to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering him, and also (and this is the worst mistake I made, dammit…) when he would split me black and tell me he didn’t love me anymore, I’d cry and beg him to stop saying that, and to please give me another chance. In retrospect, I can’t even believe I did that. I’ve always been so proud and stoic, never wasting a second of my precious time or attention on ingrates.

I realize now how stupid that was, and how it also gives him control, and prompts him to use it as a weapon – threats to leave me or stop loving me will make me “back down”.

Eventually, I realized that he lashes out and says hurtful things as a dissociative defense mechanism, and if he really meant it – he’d maintain that position and actually forcefully terminate the relationship. But he doesn’t. So now, I just acknowledge those statements by saying “I realize this is frustrating…” or something like that, that validates the concern, but nothing more.

I think rebuilding from the bottom up, as you said, is the only workable solution. He might struggle with that. He perpetually recycles old arguments. Hopefully therapy will address that.

I’m trying to learn now how to be supportive without enabling in an unhealthy way. The hardest thing is his refusal to talk to me, or allow me to approach him with anything that makes him remotely uncomfortable. Which is almost everything. I think permitting which is essentially an abusive “silent treatment” is actually enabling in itself. So where to find the happy medium where his need for personal space is met, but I am also able to communicate what I need to.

[pearlsw]

Hi BasementDweller,

I hope others will join us here in this discussion and share their insights on various pieces of your post! I am very interested in noticing how you are catching all of these subtleties in your interactions! Your ability to detect since fine nuance in your situation (and hopefully as you begin to post more here and join in other discussions) is impressive.

I can relate so very much to this notion of finding yourself saying and doing things in a relationship you never possibly imagined. It is amazing how we just start to react and respond to these new types of stimuli! I tell ya! Early on before I recognized that my partner had these traits, or had any inkling of what they might be, I too found myself (a strong feminist, etc.) in a very low position - really humiliating myself out of fear and confusion.

Also you might find this discussion on Supporting vs. Enabling particularly helpful: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95263.0

What are some things you wish you could say to him might I ask?

[BasementDweller]

Hi there -

I guess I do have some oddy intuitive ways of picking up on things... .some of that is my educational and professional background and some of it... .I guess is general observation and insight.

This has been both a blessing and a curse, especially in my relationship. My ability to suss things out has sometimes helped in understanding how my partner is thinking and feeling when he's having irrational outbursts - I can read between the lines sometimes... .and I'm getting better at it.

Where it causes problems, is when I can read too much, including the things he wants to hide and protect. BPD's are very protective of their sensitive feelings as we here all know, and they like to mask them with harsh defense mechanisms sometimes. There have been times when I have called him out on this, and told him exactly what was really going on beneath the surface. This has made him feel scrutinized, analyzed, and almost "spied on" in a way. Because I could see things he wanted to hide. I've had to tone down the blatant psychoanalysis a bit. ;-)

What do I wish I could ask him? Man... .that's a tough one. I usually ask whatever I want to know, but whether I get a straight answer or not - is unpredictable. I've never noted him to be an outright liar, but he will evade answering if he feels threatened.

I guess I'd like to understand how I can be more supportive without losing myself. I'd also like to know how I can communicate in my own unique way without having him misunderstand me. So many of our conflicts have been misunderstandings - and he lets them fester in his head and eat him up inside because he doesn't even realize that how he interpreted my words was not how I meant it. I'd want to ask him how we can clarify this without it leading to a misunderstanding.

A perfect example, that just came up last night: Well over a year ago, I was standing in the kitchen preparing some food. I love to cook, and I get REALLY focused on it, and in a "zone" - and I sometimes bristle at interruptions, because cooking is my "happy place". He came in, and in his sometimes manically inquisitve way, he started asking a lot of questions about where I used to live. I didn't really like the place, and I said, in a sort of "deadpan" kind of way, "Oh, I don't wanna talk about that!" The intent of the remark was, "I really didn't like living there!"

What he felt? "I'm interested in her life and want to know more about her, and where she's been, and she coldly and harshly just 'slapped me in the face' by refusing to talk to me."

For a man who dissociates, and often loses memory when he is in that state, he remembered every detail of that event, right down to what kind of vegetable I was chopping when I said it. One year later, I finally was given insight into how much that hurt him. He thought I didn't want to converse with him, answer his questions, or have anything to do with him. And all I wanted to do was hint in a funny way that I didn't like my old neighborhood. And that's life with BPD. Many other people might have asked, "Haha, why don't you want to talk about it - was it that bad?"

But the BPDer doesn't pick up on thsoe subtleties. He only hears, "I don't wanna talk to YOU."

I suppose I'd want to ask how I can cemmunicate better with him, even when I too am not feeling that open - and not have it come across as insulting. The fact that I'm oddly sarcastic in a nerdy way, and we don't have the same native language doesn't help either.

P.S. - In my first post, when I described being beat up, I mistyped. I meant to say "literally and figuratively". Not literally and physically. Not that it makes a HUGE difference... .but it kinda does. The way I typed it ignored the emotional aspect of it, and made it sound more like constant physical altercations. It's not like that, and I apologize for the lack of clarity.

[Enabler]

But the BPDer doesn't pick up on thsoe subtleties. He only hears, "I don't wanna talk to YOU."

Hi BasementDweller,

It's very common for emotionally immature people to take comments, personalise them and then make them about their whole. Children do this all the time and often personalise to their entirety any criticism, suggestion or comment about "a thing". I find this crazy-making with my own children let alone my spouse. Their ability to take something utterly unassociated to them and interpolate it to be not only personal to them but a critique of them as a person. This could be a result of years of shaming at the hands of his mother as a child (I am making assumptions here). My uBPDw would tell me about how my MIL noticed that the people over the road got a new car, she believed they did this to show off and were flaunting it at her by parking it in their drive. She would get irate about this which was very unsettling for her as a child.

Ultimately this boils down to a deep seated feeling of shame. This is often at the heart of a few personality disorders. It's the furnace that keeps emotions high, maintains hypervigilence to critism and abandonment, and ultimately keeps their emotional cup filled up near to the point of overflowing (dysregulating). As much as tinnitus can drive a sufferer insane, the constant buzz of shame can keep a pwBPD near or at the point of dysregulation constantly. Tackling this core shame and parental abuse is the only way that he will see a significant reduction in his propensity to dysregulate. Behavioral therapy will just teach him how to manage the emotional dysregulation such that it impacts himself and you less. Relieving him of the background buzz should release him from a life long burden of hurt and self loathing. It's all about his feelings and emotions.

Great that he's becoming aware, this is one of the key hurdles to self healing.

Don't beat yourself up about enabling, it's a fair reaction to make your life better/tolerable/safe sometimes and sometimes it can just be kindness. You seem to have consciousness with regards to when to and when not to show this kindness.     

[BasementDweller]

Hi, Enabler -

Thank you for reaching out and lending that insight. While this whole situation can be hell on earth sometimes, it's comforting (in a weird way, I guess) to know that so many others are going through similar, and I'm surprised to know that. I felt so alone.

Ironically, my partner also actually has chronic tinnitus.   He's had ear surgery twice, but it's never properly resolved. I wonder how little that helps his situation.  

The thing I am trying to deal with now is the random attacks out of nowhere over the most insane things. Things that even if I sat and racked my brain trying to figure out "what could he attack me for now?" - I'd actually never guess.

A few days ago, he tore into me for leaving my computer in a place he thought was "annoying". I moved it, then put it back there the next day to see if he'd say anything today. Nothing. It was as if he forgot, and didn't notice.

Today I returned from work, and went about my business putting groceries away and helping with dinner, and it was really nice. Until the kids left the room and he turned on me like a cobra and ripped into me for sending an email in two parts to him today. Because he asked a question, I acknowledged it, let him know I'd check on it, then got back to him with the answer. (He was ranting because he tried to call me, and I didn't realize it because I was in a meeting and not taking calls anyway, so he thought I blocked him.) Turns out I had accidentally put my phone in airplane mode, while updating my settings this morning as well. So I told him that.

This evening he want ape-sh*t because I "mailbombed him". With four sentences dispersed over two emails.  

I know my life is an acid bath right now, but sometimes I almost have to laugh. And that's not cool really... .but my god. It's so absurd it's funny. And horrific and tragic. And ridiculous.

I refused to acknowledge the verbal abuse and turned my back on him, so he fled to his teenage son's room to sulk (and annoy the "fook" out of the poor kid in the process, because he doesn't want him in there. )

So I did something I have never done before. I have always tried to hide any signs of conflict from the kids because it's not their fault or problem. But this time, I went into the room and very calmly sat next to him, and put my hand on his knee and said "When you said that, it sounded like you thought that me sending you two emails today made me a bad person."

His shock, fear, shame and terror at having me say this in the same room as his son was palpable. He subtly nodded toward his son, as if to say, "Not here! Not here!" However, I wasn't being confrontational. At all. Extremely diplomatic in fact. So I greeted his son, and turned back to him and said, "I don't want to be bad toward you, so how was that bad - why did it upset you?" (A mild conversation that any two adults could have in front of a kid without traumatizing them. It was just very polite problem solving. And I was gentle and smiling.)

He recoiled and started to fidget, and said, in a really frightened tone "Not here. Please not here." So I said "Oh! Ok, no worries. I thought you were upset. Cool."

And I walked out.

A bit later, we three ate dinner together, and I said very little, because I just had nothing to say. Eventually his son got up to take a shower, and the minute the boy left the room, he said "Why are you ignoring me?"

My response? In a very calm tone, with unblinking eye contact: "One should never say anything to another human being that they are ashamed to have their children see and hear."

A full minute of choking silent panic. (From him.) Then, "WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING ME?"

Me: "By the way you said that, it seems as if you think I think you did something wrong. What do you think that is?"

Him: Flees the room and starts doing laundry downstairs. Without a word.

Did I handle that the best way I possibly could? Maybe not. Am I tired of his sh*t and running out of patience and pity?

Yeah.

Shame, abuse, sensitivity, pain, etc... .yeah. He has suffered it all, and I empathize. But I'm done enabling. Even if this doesn't last... .and he does manage to drive me away (I've been "split black" for weeks now, even over my birthday) I guess the one victory I could have out of this all is knowing that I gave him something to think about. I know I'm the toughest woman he's ever met... .and I have him to thank for that.  

Whatever happens between us, I'll recover. I can get away from him if I have to.

But he can never get away from himself.

[Enabler]

It looks like we've read the same handbook for dealing with high conflict partners! I've always found that phrase so complicated to say accurately that it would obvious that I was reeling it from a book. It works possibly because it takes so long to work out its meaning it put them right out of sorts!

I might have accidentally stumbled on something with the tinnitus. I might not have as well but here goes. Everyone has an emotional cup, people have different sizes reflecting their total capacity to handle stress or negative emotions. This in itself doesn't determine BPD but could well contribute. Each person also has a different level of sensitivity which impacts what type of things and how quickly the vessel fills up. When we're totally chillaxed the cup is empty of emotions (liquid). Adding stress units starts to fill up the vessel... .this could be kids, his triggers, anything that gives him negative feelings. One large thing could be the constant feeling of shame from his childhood, it could also be the constant stress of the tinnitus (I'm also aware from personal experience that high stress and high anxiety can lead to a ringing noise in my ears (loss 3 stone in 6m from stress due to wife demanding a divorce)). When we reach the brim of the vessel all is just under control... .that one drop causes the wheels to come off. Given enough stress all of us will emotionally dysregulate, we will shout, scream, cry with little concern over what we say or do, we are overwhelmed by emotions. Your husband sounds like he has a few things going on physically and emotionally which keeps him right on the edge, just there, ready for anything. He holds it together until his son is out the way but it has to be released like a pent up volcano.

Do you think when you called him out in front of his son you would have stimulated his shame sensitivity?

Does he have any ways to healthily release the volcano or self soothe himself? I rub my bald head or play with my beard, my wife now runs. I didn't get what she was doing and why she was so obsessed with exercise (and drinking) but now I do... .it all helps to lower the water level in the cup. Some nons massage, I used to tickle my wife's feet (I hate it personally), again, I never understood the benefits of what I was doing for her, in fact I thought it was a sexual thing! I don't feel helping him soothe is enabling but it could help him help you.

[BasementDweller]

I practiced the phrase in the mirror a few times. Now I can apply it to any manner of weird attacks or accusations. Sometimes reciting it in a cold clinical way like you are reading it out of a book has a therapeutic effect, and confuses your aggressor. Interestingly, it works every time. To at least confuse and diffuse.

I think the shame mechanism was triggered last night, and I did that on purpose as a last resort. After being painted black for weeks now, I was actually getting bored with it, and wanted the house to go back to normal. The tension affects the kids, and they don't deserve that. Calling him out (gently, of course) in front of the kid brought it to light that I don't want to fight, but he does. It made him accountable a little. That exchange reset him, and now he's quite ok. Affectionate again, etc... .For how, long, I don't know, but we've got therapy again on Thursday, so I'll tread lightly until then.   A few days of peace would be great. I need it. So does he. I think we're both beyond exhausted.

As far as relaxing or therapeutic tactics, one thing he has learned to do is play video games with the kids, or do electronic trivia games and crossword puzzles. He's also an extremely talented and capable craftsman, and much of our home improvement (flooring, tiling, installing new light fixtures) have been done when he's a bit stressed and manic. The work is always exceptional. He has a "man cave" with all manner of woodworking equipment and power tools, and has built most of the furniture and shelving in the house. In that regard I have no complaints! He does get fussier and more sensitive when he's bored or inactive, but when he feels down or depressed - he gets sluggish, and the cycle perpetuates. Today he's more motivated and is playing guitar games with the kids. So - he's busy and out of my hair!

As for me, I also joined a gym recently, so I can get away, and get those endorphins going. I've been running on the treadmill and weight training, and that relieves a lot of my emotional pain. Both the endorphins and the burning muscles distract me and give me something else to think about. I also listen to music (I find extreme heavy metal VERY therapeutic) and I love to cook, so today I'm blasting death metal in my ears and cooking a 12 pound turkey with all the sides. It's not exactly Christmas yet, but I needed something to keep me busy too. No matter how badly my partner is behaving, even at his blackest rages, or most miserable downs, my cooking soothes the savage beast for a little while, and until he turns down a meal I made, I'll figure he's still in there somewhere.  

When I read your description of your interactions between you and your wife, it really hits me how much like me, and everyone on this board, that "elephant in the room" - the BPD, of course, is the unwanted third wheel in what would otherwise be an amazing love and chemistry between two people. It sounds like you both DO have a lot of love for each other, but the disorder really can take the person away from you for intervals, can't it? When he's feeling good, he's such an amazing and loving man. When the inner demons start rearing their heads, though... .I barely recognize him and wonder every time if this is going to be the time when he disappears entirely. But at least now, he accepts the diagnosis, understands it, and knows that it is the reason why he does and feels a lot of the things he does. He told me this morning that he was looking forward to therapy, because he doesn't want to be a slave to this anymore. That gave me a tiny glimmer of hope. But cautious optimism. Even if he is able to overcome or manage a lot of his symptoms, it will be a long and difficult road.

While I'm writing I can't scroll up to see your old messages, but did you say your wife (or both of you) are in counseling or not? Is she aware of her diagnosis? If I may ask, how long have you been a couple? I've never actually had the chance before this forum to talk with other people in similar situations. It does make me wonder how many of my colleagues that I see at work and pass in the hallways who always seem to look tired, stressed, anguished, irritable, etc... .are going through similar with a loved one? Or themselves? Could be anything really, but it makes you think.

[Enabler]

What a lovely message, reading between the lines of your anguish there's a lot of love and kindness there for your husband.

I have been with my wife for over 20 years. Married 16 and have 3 kids 9/7/4. She wants a divorce and I don't. She has never been diagnosed but has ticked all the boxes other than actually attempting suicide. We have always had a tumultuous relationship and although we have enjoyed some quiet periods it's generally been due to me rolling over and changing my behaviour to match her current demands. Prior to finding BPD I have to say that I was angry with the way she treated me as I put it down to being selfish and thoughtless. Now I take a different view and find myself more empathetic looking through the behaviours to try and work out what the emotional trigger is. The challenging thing for me at the moment is that my wife who feels as though she has been emotionally and verbally abused for 16 years and therefore feels she has to get a divorce from me is building a mental case against me. So, she believes I am controlling... .so, last night for example she's had a few bottles of prosaecco with one of the school mums and has arranged to go to the pub with one of the other mums for further drinking... .other mum leaves and she approaches me in my daughters bedroom where I am trying to make a dent in tidying up all the carnage that's been allowed to caused whilst they were drinking and chatting. She says "you don't mind if I go and meet X for a drink do you?" To which is very cautiously said "well you could give me a bit of a hand tidying up this mess before you go"... .well... .you'd have thought I'd asked her to clean the drive with a toothbrush, wailing around saying things like "I'm a terrible person, all this mess everywhere, I'm selfish... .bla bla bla bla bla". After saying a few inappropriate things to the kids on the same tack who were also asking her not to go out she left. I tidied up and put the kids to bed. I've never said she couldn't go out, I've never tried to control her so why is she asking me? Well she was going to get the answer she was looking for whatever I said, she wants to reinforce the feeling and case that's she's controlled and I'm a monster. No doubt she reported this to the flying monkey friend and she can continue her guiltless destruction of our family!

Incidentally she came home in the small hours of the morning, spread food all over the worktop and then passed out on the sofa before being woken by D4 and going to her bed in the spare room. Wakes up and goes for a bike ride with another flying monkey returning in a better mood. No mention or apology for last nights rant, she doesn't feel she has anything to acknowledge.

I have been painted black pretty consistently for the last 2 years. I think the hardest thing for a lot of neighbours is that they just don't see what happens behind closed doors, her mum is the same, sweetest woman you would ever. Wet until the doors are closed and the beast is released. Now the blindfold is off I see a lot more dysfunctional behaviour and am a lot more open to believing people's stories of their spouses being different at home. I'm also acutely aware of emotionally immature behaviour, black and white thinking and inability to accept responsibility. It's funny, when you ask a few questions it invariably comes out that they had odd or dysfuncrional parents. I would so love to have a true partnership with my wife but realistically I know it will never be possible, she just doesn't think about anyone other than herself and her feelings.

[BasementDweller]

Hi, enabler - sorry for the delay in response. Extremely busy weekend managing the kids and trying to keep their dad busy so he didn't go any further down the "dark road".

You are right - despite all the heartaches and difficulties, I do love him very much. I know somewhere in there is the funny, warm, passionate loving guy I fell in love with. I am hoping with a lot of patience and understanding on my part, and some help from therapy, he can resurface.

Your story broke my heart. I have been dealing with this for two years only, and I already feel as if my last ounce of sanity is flying out the window - and you have been dealing with it for two DECADES. And she isn't aware of her diagnosis, and likely still sees most of your marital strife as your fault. The two of you have three kids together, and with her wanting a divorce (whether or not she really wants that or sees running away as her only viable defense mechanism, is anyone's guess) means your whole family will be uprooted, and ironically, the one person who has stood by her side through her absolute worst periods for 20 years would be lost - thus reinforcing her already crippling belief that love cannot be trusted.

My partner recently accused me of being controlling as well, and I think this is a classic complaint from the BPD partner. Any attempt to set boundaries or assert your right to be treated with some degree of respect is seen as "controlling" to a pwBPD, whereas any other person would easily see it as a reasonable and normal expectation. I guess this is to be expected, because it IS unreasonable to expect a pwBPD to behave "normally" particularly when they are upset or in crisis - they often can't and they do not even realize it. So it feels controlling - you expecting them to do something they can't.

The other day, my partner said that he pushes me away because I want to control him all the time. Ironically, nobody has ever accused me of anything of the sort. I have always been seen by my partners as a very easygoing and diplomatic person who asks for little or nothing at all from anyone. I have never been interested in, say, pursuing managerial jobs, or positions of authority, because I feel far more comfortable staying on the sidelines. I don't like being put in charge. "Control freak" is so far away from my personality, the suggestion is almost laughable. But he probably does genuinely believe that, because before I learned about BPD and how to communicate with someone who has it, I would often tell him not to treat me badly/disrespectfully, etc... .and to him that probably was controlling. To most, it would be fair and normal to say that.

But I really had to get inside his head and try to figure out WHY he would say that. And rather than defend myself or say that he was wrong, (because with the trust issues BPDers have - they don't believe anything you say to refute their claims... .you have to find a new tactic) I said, "I understand that it's frustrating to you that you feel like I want to control you. But may I ask you, and this is a question, not an accusation - I want YOUR opinion. Do you think you can be difficult?" He replied that of course, he knew he could be.

So I responded with, "I will agree with you and say that you're right. And I know I can be too. And that WE have had our difficulties, together. You also have trouble trusting me, correct?" He confirmed this.

So I said "Well, then I understand how you might feel I want to control you. You don't trust me, and you admit you can be difficult, so perhaps you feel like there is no way I could possibly love you the way you are, without having an ulterior motive, is that correct? Do you feel that way? That I can't just love you as is, I MUST want something from you, like to control you?" I saw the light bulb come on. He said "Yes! Exactly!"

So here, I took a chance and used a little humor. I said "I can assure you, if I wanted something I could control and mold to my will, I'd get a puppy. WHY, if I wanted to be "in control" would I choose a difficult man like you? Maybe I want the opposite. To just love you exactly the way you are." Silence. But I saw the gears turning.

He totally changed his tune after that. Perked up even. Went Christmas shopping with me, and didn't even ridicule me when I put up and decorated the Christmas tree. (He was a total arse about it last year) He actually said it looked nice, even. I almost soiled my trousers, because due to his BPD mom's psychotic meltdowns EVERY CHRISTMAS... .Christmas is a massive trigger for him, and he hates it. Lucky me, I'm born in early December. My birthday is about the line of demarcation where all the Christmas cheer starts up and he becomes a gremlin for the entire month. Perfect timimg! 

He turns around at New Year's Eve because the boys come back from their mom's place and we have a lobster dinner and light fireworks. His "black period" lifts then. Sadly, Christmas is my favorite holiday and December is my favorite time of year. I told him that I wanted to introduce him to the concept of a happy Christmas, and remove his mother's way of doing it from the equation. To give him a reason to like it again. His lack of outright screaming refusal of this suggestion was a good sign. Baby steps.     

I really do hope that you can somehow salvage your marriage. It seems like such a heartbreaking waste to separate after TWENTY years, and split your family up. And with all that your wife is dealing with - she really would be "up the creek without a paddle" as they say if she succeeded in driving you away. Finding anyone else who can survive this as long as you have and continue to love her... .won't be easy. Not because people with metal illness do not deserve to be loved or cannot be loved - most people have no idea HOW to do it. They can't handle it.

I wish I had found out more about BPD sooner. I had no idea that I was doing everything wrong in response to his outbursts. I was making everything worse, because the normal tactics don't work with these folks. I wasted two years probably doing a lot of damage by reacting emotionally to things, rather than the way I do now.

Is there any way you can convince your wife to go to therapy with you? Maybe couples counseling? It won't be easy, but I actually had to use some clever maneuvering to get my partner to consent to it. I had been painted black for weeks on end, and he was using his usual "I don't love you anymore, and I want you to go away" line that he uses when he feels triggered and in crisis. I asked him why he felt this way, and he said that we fight too much and brought up several incidents that he said were still bothering him. So I said,"If that's truly want you want, then I will meet you halfway. Let's agree to go to couples therapy, and address the things that are still bothering us and causing stress. Once those issues have been worked over, and you feel there is an emotional recovery from them, if you still feel this way, I will honor your request and go. But I want to be sure this decision is not based on being in crisis, but because we are in 'peacetime' and the love really is gone."

He jumped at the chance, because he saw "an out". It was a risky move, but there is no doubt in my mind that he doesn't want me to leave. He just doesn't want to fight and feel bad anymore. He wants to be loved and be happy, and I have the love part down, but I haven't really been making him happy, because I have been dealing with his illness all wrong. I didn't know it at the time, but I was. That simple gesture took the heat off him enough, and put the ball in his court enough for him to relax and lighten up on the defense mechanisms. He's even back to making plans for the future - things we'll do over the summer or next year... .so the "get out now!" phase has passed. For now.

But maybe if you tell her you will agree to consider her request for a divorce if you get some help to address the conflicts in your marriage, and see if once that has been worked on, how she feels then. I made it about us both getting help to deal with stressors and NOT about his BPD. I also emphasised how neither of us were feeling good about the way things were, and that perhaps a family counselor would help us to feel better, by guiding us in how to relieve the stress. And really, that's how I'm approaching it. Could you try something like that? And agreeing to consider the divorce might "sweeten the deal" for her a bit because she's feeling cornered... .but in all likelyhood, once the underlying conflicts get addressed, she will probably realize she doesn't want one. She's just in pain and afraid and burnt out, and at the end of her rope. Wanting to run is natural - even if it's not really the best solution, or deep down what the person even wants.

[Enabler]

Your story broke my heart. I have been dealing with this for two years only, and I already feel as if my last ounce of sanity is flying out the window - and you have been dealing with it for two DECADES. And she isn't aware of her diagnosis, and likely still sees most of your marital strife as your fault. The two of you have three kids together, and with her wanting a divorce (whether or not she really wants that or sees running away as her only viable defense mechanism, is anyone's guess) means your whole family will be uprooted, and ironically, the one person who has stood by her side through her absolute worst periods for 20 years would be lost - thus reinforcing her already crippling belief that love cannot be trusted.

Nail on the head! I have been the one standing here, confused waiting for her to end the chaos. I only learnt about BPD in April this year and it was the best and worst weeks of my life. To think that I had been doing it all wrong for so long was heart wrenching, especially since it was clear that she had reached the point where she wasn't prepared to put the fun bus in reverse. She is seeing a therapist every week and has been for a year now. That's good... .but I sometimes think that you can manipulate therapists, tell them the information they want to hear. She has some very supportive friends who just don't see the dark side of her. She's nice as pie to me, but when the friends leave she pushes pushes pushes until she gets the validation she wants that she's a bad person and I hate her. Just like the story from Friday night... .why would anyone do that? I didn't react, I was reasonable yet she still takes away what she wants to take away.

I don't believe she wants a divorce, she's angry at me, she's angry at me because it must be my problem yet I'm not solving it for her... .it's always been my problem... .  always.

We tried couples counselling last year Sep-Dec16. I didn't know about BPD at the time and I think the counselor took one look at my frustration and one look at her fear and thought "I know what's going on here, he's abusive and she's victim". I was at the end of my tether by that point, I couldn't work out why no one seemed to be telling her that having an emotional affair was wrong, that being massively inconsiderate going out all the time leaving me as baby sitter was unfair, not upholding her own commitments to the family was very divisive and generally being very self serving was disrespectful. Couples counselling works when 2 people share similar facts, my wife doesn't share the same facts as me, she has contorted the facts to fit her feelings and her feelings are that I am an animal... .an animal she will speak kindly to to get what she wants every other day... .but the rest of the time an animal that she should kick.

I would love to have a diagnosis if anything as an anchor point that she might go back to... .that seed of doubt. I have a seed of doubt in my own head of my own sanity, hence why I go to therapy and I write on bpdfamily, I'm never quite sure, so I use evidence to reassure myself. I look at all the facts to then form an opinion which I call my reality. It feels like my wife avoids this sense of doubt in her head and rejects evidence. Evidence is dangerous for her as it might conflict with her feelings. She is very scornful of me when I send her old emails where she might have agreed with XYZ or I have she has been shown to be happy or in love with me... .She can't have that.

I'm not in control of the future path of my family, I'm no in a position to look after the kids given the job I do. All I can do is be open and prepared for all outcomes and get the best for all of us going forward. Maybe I'm hopefully but I don't think divorce is the last I will see of my wife.   

[BasementDweller]

It's really frustrating when you start to think about all the time you spent wondering, "what on earth is going on here?" when you and your partner would keep getting in to the same cyclic conflicts, seemingly out of nowhere, and they'd just escalate dramatically like a runaway train. The one thing I kept thinking is, "this has never happened with anybody else before. What the heck IS this?"

One of the advisors here, pearlsw, I believe, said that once you figure out what you are dealing with (the BPD situation) you have to literally forget everything you thought you knew about relationships and start from scratch - rebuild from the bottom up. That makes sense. I've been reading the boards that address how to listen with empathy, how to validate, and how to not take it personally when your partner lashes out, because it's not even about you, even if the words sound like bullets with your name on them, aimed right at your skull. It's about their own internal pain, and you are the ony one there whom they REALLY can report this to in an honest way - and when a pwBPD is honest - it can sound horrifically harsh... .because they ARE hurting, and what's inside them is a hell of a lot of pain. It's not pretty when the top blows off, and they release it all.

I used to think that I was empathetic, validating, and open minded, and I suppose to some degree, for people not in any real crisis, I was well enough. But when it came to someone with complex emotional needs like my partner - I didn't know Jack Squat. That was humbling to learn, and I really have been forced to re-evaluate my role in our conflicts.

When I start to lose sight of how to go about re-addressing the way I do things, there's a few reminders and exercises I give myself.

1.) I can't undo past damages but I can work to prevent future ones. I took the time to learn about BPD, and find ways to be more supportive - there may have been a delay, but here I am now. Start with today, and go forward.

2.) I imagine when I am at my worst stress levels because my partner is in deep crisis, and I am sleep-deprived, irritable, teary, jittery, confused, and still have a full plate at work. I make a mistake on the job, because I am at my wits end, and my boss rips me a new one and makes me feel worthless over it. So I try to confide in her to let her know WHY it happened, and she disregards everything I said, expresses no empathy, suggests I am "making a big deal out of nothing" and doesn't seem to understand a word I said. Frustrating and hurtful right? That's how my partner feels every day. Partially because of the demons in his own head, and partially because of how I react to them. I can improve my reactions. That's what I can do.

3.) My partner is in a state of arrested emotional development due to a horribly abusive mother, and an emotionally absent father. He was abandoned by his mother while still in diapers and sent to another country to live with a relative for about 1.5 years. He remembers this. Nobody knows why, but we guess she was unfit, and it was thought best for him at the time. She got him back when he was about 3-4 y/o and the abuse continued. We have a photo of my partner at that age, and it's an image of a small, well-dressed, neatly groomed little boy with sad eyes and a timid and fearful expression. Now he is a large, strong, tall man with rage issues, and when he gets "like that", I'll admit, I lose my patience with him, and feel a hell of a lot of anger myself toward him and want to lash out right back. Far too many times in the past - I did. When that happens, I take a time out and go look at that photo. Because that terrified little abandoned child is who is actually lashing out at me from inside his head. Puts things in persepctive real quick.

I only wish I figured this out a long time ago. But like you, I had no idea what I was dealing with. And in a way, I am lucky, because BPD is now finally beginning to get some proper attention from the healthcare community, and people have forums like this where we can talk to and support each other. This was not so much the case 20 years ago when you met your wife. BPD wasn't really understood, and nobody talked about these things, or had the means to do so anonymously, with so many others who "get it." So families often suffered in relative silence.

You had a much longer run of it, and your situation is more entrenched. It is asking a lot because the "non" BPD is the one who has to be strong for both parties. But that difficult woman who drinks too much, and explodes at you is not your wife. It's a problem/challenge that your wife faces, but it doesn't define her. It's not all that she is. There's more to her than that. It may seem insurmountable to be able to help the situation now, after all these years, but as long as you two do still live in the same house and are still married - she's not gone. I can't remember if you said you are still seeing your own counselor (I know she is) but sometimes it helps as the "non" in the family to get some guidance in how to be the support system for someone whose needs are so complex. It seems an unfair burden at times... .to be the one to have to manage all this, while the other person seems to be only about themselves and their own needs... .but until they find a better way to regulate their emotions and feelings, the non is the only one capable of taking that role. And if you want to stay with your partner... .you kind of have to take on that role. At least for a while, until they began to learn some coping skills, and the communication improves beween the two of you. I'm only now in a place where I'm not painted black any more, (for now) but am in a chilly "grey zone"... .and holding. It will be a long road. I'm still on it, and if I reach my end, I'll know. But I haven't yet. Not until I have tried well and good to apply what I now know, and see if it helps any.

[BasementDweller]

What you are saying makes a lot of sense, and I too have struggled with not always reacting well to his outbursts, and also not being able to resist the urge to correct the narrative - because much of what the BPD says is merely lashing out due to pain, fear, and shame. It's sometimes some of the hardest, cruelest sh*t you can ever hear, and it is coming from the lips of someone who has previously said they love you. Much of it is an expression of their own inner suffering, and not personal, but some of the words are meant to inflict major damage. It would take a saint with nerves of steel not to react to much of it.

I can handle being accused of "not listening, not getting him, always having to argue, etc.," because some of that has been true in the past.

But "I don't love you anymore, I hate you, you never loved me, you have no respect for me, this was a mistake, you can't be trusted" (and far worse, but such language is frowned upon here) - That hurts. None of that is true, but it's all just cruel words meant to inflict pain. And when you reach a point where you can actually become somewhat numb or immune to it... .you've lost a bit of your own soul, in a way.

My partner has also tried to imply that I am the bad guy (I'm by no means perfect, but perhaps not as awful as he wants to make me out to be... .) and when he is in dissociation/devaluation/avoidance mode, and is claiming he wants me to disappear, he builds that case against me by saying that all we ever do is fight (not true) and he doesn't trust that I can do my part to make it any better. (I already actively am doing that. And I can see that he sees it, but doesn't necessarily have faith in it yet.) It's frustrating, because I mostly remember a really rewarding relationship, with a few snags, that to me were not really terribly significant. (At least in the first several months.) Those snags seem to be all he remembers, and with way more emotional damage from them than I feel - that I believe is when I fell off the pedestal from perfect idealized woman to horrible failure. He wanted a perfect partner he'd never argue with. Or one who would always know what to say, what not to say, and when and how. Which I am not, and that's when it all spiralled downhill. As it does with BPD.

I figured out fairly quickly once I knew WHAT he had, and how to talk to someone with such complex emotional issues, and the right and wrong way to validate and empathize with someone in crisis - just how to do it.

And now that he sees that I am being calmer and more validating, and not reacting the way I used to (thus giving him ammo to twist against me) he is testing me further and further and harder and harder to see if I will snap so he can say, "Ah ha! I was right! I knew you weren't going to improve!"

Perfect example: Really nice Sunday night, put up Christmas decorations, had a glass of bubbly, watched a movie, and were even "intimate". (Something else he witholds when he's trying to upset me.) No complaints at all that night, even some great talks without bickering.

Arrive home from work Monday evening and he has done some housework and started preparing dinner, but is waiting until I got home to heat it. He greets me nicely. I see that he is finishing up repairing and replacing a doorframe in the downstairs bathroom. It looks really good, so I say so. "Oh, you're almost done. Looks nice!"

Him: "You can't even see anything! What do you know about this? You are blind and oblivious - most women are!"

  (?) 

Sounds insulting but it was so utterly ridiculous to just blurt that out that my first urge was to laugh. I mostly stifled it, and just very calmly looked him in the eye without speaking until he begain to squirm, mildly. Then I made a horrifically grotesque face at him with my tongue hanging out and my eyes crossed, and made some gutteral sounds and started flapping my arms like a deranged chicken. (Sometimes you just have to do whatever you have in your arsenal... .) Then I went back to a totally neutral expression, and lightly said "No, really. Looks good!" And skipped up the stairs.

When he came up for dinner he was totally appropriate, and we watched a cooking show together, then I went to bed early. No further attempts to bait me into a dispute. He was still a little aloof, but that's manageable.

Sometimes I wonder if the best way to deal with your wife if she's really trying to paint you in a terrible light is to act as if you don't notice and keep changing the subject with something totally nonsensical and unrelated. Or say someting neutral and relatively kind in return.

"You're an abusive man who is ruining my life and I hate you!"

Prolonged eye contact. Smile "Wow - how long have you had those earrings? They look really nice on you!" (Abruptly leave the room.)

Sometimes I try any bizarre thing just to derail the runaway train.   When all else fails, there is always the cross-eyed deranged chicken to fall back on.

[Enabler]

Loving the crazy chicken impersonation. I haven't gone down the crazy chicken route yet although never say never, although have totally changed the subject. I'm also getting apt at diverting the topic of conversation at any sniff of conflict. I know this perpetuates the walking on eggshells I've been doing for years anyway but one has to use the right tools at the right time and now is not the time for anything blunt and heavy. I sounds like you can see the positive impacts of your efforts.

Interesting point "He wanted a perfect partner he'd never argue with. Or one who would always know what to say, what not to say, and when and how." ... .in my experience I molded myself into the form that my wife demanded, only to find that this is not what she wanted. Even if she had the perfect partner who did not argue, she would find a way of pushing them to the point where they either left or argued, either way supporting the internal narrative that "I'm unlovable, broken and wrong".

I long so much for a snuggle on the sofa, just being with each other ex the hate. I'd even tickle her feet (something I used to loath doing but now see that it was a form of self soothing for her).

[BasementDweller]

... .in my experience I molded myself into the form that my wife demanded, only to find that this is not what she wanted. Even if she had the perfect partner who did not argue, she would find a way of pushing them to the point where they either left or argued, either way supporting the internal narrative that "I'm unlovable, broken and wrong".

I long so much for a snuggle on the sofa, just being with each other ex the hate. I'd even tickle her feet (something I used to loath doing but now see that it was a form of self soothing for her).

Totally this. I guess I have to accept that there's probably no chance I could have really gotten it right. A couple of his previous partners lasted a few years, but he ended up leaving them out of boredom (they were reportedly much easier to get along with than I am) and when he pulled away, they said "Ok" and left. So he was bored with the lack of drama, and they were probably not that into him either.

I know that his feelings of inadequacy and shame are at the heart of so many of our issues, and I'm trying my best to deal with all that, but it's a huge learning curve. I also miss the easy intimacy when he really liked to be close. He's avoidant these days, but struggling to maintain it, and starting to slowly come around. But it hurts when the person you love witholds affection. But if you force it, it's disastrous. So I just gotta stay busy and leave him to lick his wounds a bit. Validate and empathize when possible. But just keep my distance for a while. Never had to do that in any previous relationship. It's painful to not be able to be close to your loved one, even when they are sitting on the same couch as you. But I guess when they are in crisis and already feeling low, they feel cornered the more you try to help. That's hard to deal with, as you know, because any person with a grain of compassion wants to help a person in distress. Especially the one you love. The cruel irony is that is the worst thing you can possible do sometimes.

[Enabler]

Someone recently wrote on the board and excuse me if I mis-quote them:

"When they push, push back a little less, when they pull, pull a little harder"

I guess the idea is that you're validating their emotions when you reflect their push/pull but ultimately over the cycles you end up closer.

I haven't held my wife's hand since May, and that was just because we were at a dear friends funeral and she was very vulnerable. I'm literally forbidden from touching her at all.

[BasementDweller]

That advice makes some sense, I agree.

I'm really sorry that things have gone this bad with your relationship, and things have grown so distant. I'm not sure what else I can suggest... .maybe couples counseling again with a new therapist. Finding one that has the right personality sometimes helps to coax the BPD person to open up and put some of the defense mechanisms down, Never an easy situation, though. :-(

[Enabler]

My W has categorically ruled out further couples counselling and has emotionally checked out of the relationship... .although not completely... .she weirdly talks about the future on occasions, maybe by accident or maybe that she just doesn't have the executive thinking to realise that B is not going to be happen if A happens. e.g. talking to the kids about going on really long bike rides all the time with d7 and d9 with their new bikes... .but what is going to happen to d4? I'm still going with her to a NYE party and we've had a few family days together. Quite odd really and apart from the intimacy we act like a perfectly functioning couple. I'm pretty much zero reaction to her now despite her attempt to test and pick fights with me. I'm not 100% convinced that the divorce is going to happen even though she is taking baby steps towards it coming to fruition. I'm not obstructed the process but I am also not assisting with it, so maybe this is why the process is so slow.

For me couples counselling relies heavily on both parties having the same version of the facts and similar realities, but an inability to get past the differences with regards to how to tackle them. For example, if I had had an affair (which I haven't in the slightest), I had acknowledged that and she was trying to work out how to get past that, couples counselling might work. If she was spending too much money and needed help realising that the numbers didn't stack up couples counselling might be able to help draw the 2 parties together to see what was actually there and how to manage that. My W denies all involvement and has twisted historical facts so black to fit with her narrative there's little in the way of solid foundations to work with. She denies her passive aggressive behaviour and even downplayed an emotional (assume only) affair she was having. It was all black and no ability to see grey.

In previous recycles in 03 and 07 it's as though a switch has just flipped and the lights have come on in her head and away we go. Quite strange, I've no idea what the trigger is for the switch. I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't anything to do with me at all... .maybe it was the end of an affair I didn't know about? If she emotionally returns, she returns... .if she doesn't... .well there's little I can do about that.

[Radcliff]

Hello BasementDweller,

You mentioned three incidents of violence, and that after some police involvement for the last incident about seven months ago your partner stayed in control on physical abuse but ramped up psychological abuse.  This is common.  Much of what we experience from our partners could be considered abusive, particularly the things they say, but at some point abuse becomes Abuse.  I don't have particular cause to raise an "alarm" here, but since you mentioned the past history of physical abuse and a ramp-up in psychological abuse, I wanted to ask you a question and point you to some resources that could help you be on the lookout for things taking a turn for the worse.

Have any of this behaviors been "controlling" in a way that limits your autonomy?  Of course, with a pwBPD simple emotional neediness can limit autonomy somewhat, but what about red flag behaviors like restricting transportation, interfering with your ability to work, not allowing you to leave a room until he is done talking, etc.?  Even if things are more subtle, are there times when it feels like he's not just being emotionally reactive, but that he is proactively trying to limit your autonomy in some way?

You can learn more about the differences between healthy, unhealthy, and abusive behavior by looking at a very useful graphic called the Relationship Spectrum.  A particularly helpful page on abuse defined shows how many different forms of abuse there can be, in particularly non-physical controlling behaviors.

Abusive situations tend to worsen slowly over time.  They can also sneak up on very intelligent empathetic folks with a history of healthy past relationships.  So it's good to come back and consider these questions periodically.  How are things going now?

WW