Getting my partner to understand why i want time apart

[angeluriel]

Hello, i'm new here and seeking advice on my relationship with my BPD boyfriend.

We have had a roller-coaster of a relationship for 3 years, with extreme lows and extreme highs. I have read some articles on here that have been helpful to me in learning how to improve our relationship, recently i have asked my partner for a break in the relationship as i didn't feel i had any time for myself. His symptoms would fester when i would take time for myself to work, go to my uni lessons or spend time with my family. One of my questions is does promiscuous behavior class as impulsive or come under any other symptoms in BPD? This behavior has happened in the past and happens a lot when i do take time for myself or go home to family, but i feel with me being so easy to forgive he won't learn how to change.

Recently, he has been approved to DBT and i am looking to go to restart counselling. I said to him i wanted to take a break during this time to heal our individual wounds but he is not taking it well. How do you suppose i go about getting him to understand the benefits of doing this? I have sent him articles from here of success stories and reassured my love for him but i fear i may have triggered abandonment issues. I have done this with positive intent and with no intention of hurting him, i want him to grow and heal and to learn to be independent and if i keep doing everything for him that won't happen.

Thank you for listening,

I am open to any responses, whether that is advice for me, him o for the both of us.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Highlander]

Hello Angeluriel and welcome to BPD family ,

First of all, what a huge step your bf has made to accept he has problems and that he acknowledges he needs DBT.  That's huge! It was a life changing event for me when my dBPDh received diagnosis and began DBT. Not all pwBPD partners here on this forum are so lucky as not all pwBPD accept diagnosis or their need for treatment.

I am no expert (except from my own personal experience), but in my own research I did about BPD, I did find literature explaining the link between BPD and promiscuousness. Apparently it's linked with the abandonment trait but also that acting ruthless trait ie: self harm, driving recklessly, excessive drinking & drug taking.

Like my husband, his sister also had (now passed) BPD traits but she didn't self harm like her brother but was rather promiscuous.  Be aware that some pwBPD can use the knowledge of BPD traits to act out traits then say "Its not my fault I have BPD" so is this information you wish to share with your BPDbf? Only you know if he may take advantage of this knowledge.  Your T may help u with this.

Having a break whilst your BPDbf goes through DBT? Firstly I need to say my H has now recovered from BPD thanks to DBT and combined couples therapy.  Its true there are success stories out there and I am happy to be so closely involved in one of them.  But recovery took many years of constant therapy and in our case, it helped for me to be a part of it.  My H's DBT was not structured though and it was no set course like I've heard some DBT treatments can be. I don't know what DBT your bf will recieve. At one stage we were looking into 3 monthly live in hospital courses that would separate us but I can only speak for myself and tell you what worked for us.

My H got DBT from our shared T.  This only worked because neither myself nor my H either lie or stretch the truth. NB:i understand that some pwBPD do lie whereby this is less likely to work. Every session, we'd wander in and tell our T the difficulties we'd had with each other, or, at times my H had with other people since the last session, then T would then work alone with H doing DBT exercises.  I truly believe that this helped H recover within 2-3 years whilst others can take 10years or some longer, if ever.  But that's what worked for us.

Another thought to look into is that therapy triggered some pretty difficult memories from my dear H's childhood and at times could make his BPD worse before it got better.  They were not easy times for both of us and there is no right or wrong with how much you are involved with your bf during these times.  Some T's may not be interested in meeting u at all, or your bf may be uncomfortable about you meeting his T.

For us,it helped to stick by my H throughout. Oh yes he was lazy, yes I did everything for him, yes it was very hard on me too but he was unwell and I helped him like I would a cancer patient. There was time after his recovery for me to step aside and give him more responsibilities and myself a much needed break.  Again this process was not rushed. Then there's other people's circumstances.  Maybe u are so exhausted from it all, even possibly near breaking point whereby it would be detrimental to be around him if you were going to loose your temper with him? Your post doesn't give that many details so I don't know.

In my case, would asking for a break have effected those abandonment issues with my H when he had BPD? I have no doubt it would have but you haven't really disclosed the extent of your 'break'?  Just know that those pwBPD require what our T would say "a complete rewiring of the  brain because he never learnt how to effectively cope with his emotions during childhood.  There is hope for pwBPD and even more seeing your bf has accepted help but from what I was told and experienced, it takes a minimum of 2 years and a great deal of support. Without support and encouragement, many pwBPD often leave therapy.

There is no doubt you need to look after yourself, how much time, only you know.