Desperate over Humidity Conflict

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My housemate and I are having a conflict about humidity in my house.  He says that I am not being scientific, that I am basing my decisions on opinions, not facts, and that I am not aligning my priorities with him.  I am feeling in a desperate state.  I would appreciate any insights that anyone can provide.

For the past two weeks, the weather here has been extremely cold, with highs in the teens and lows around zero.  My housemate has disabled the humidifier in the furnace that my late husband and I bought in 2009.  The reason he gives is that he is in the process of building an air washer that will attach to the furnace, to filter out the smoke that he constantly detects entering the house.  He thinks that the current furnace humidifier puts too much moisture in the air, which coats the windows and damages the sealant he has applied to keep out the smoke. 

He also demanded that I stop boiling water on the stove, because water collects on the windows and damages the sealant he applied.  He suggested that I just run a humidifier in my room.  So I have been running that, but had to buy a second one to produce enough for the other two rooms where my musical instruments are located.  Even that is not enough.  With the two room humidifiers alone, I have barely been able to get the humidity up to 25% most of the time.  The average humidity in the Sahara desert is 25%.  I have five harps, a guitar, a ukulele, and three woodwinds, and they require humidity of 40 to 60% to avoid damage.  Those instruments represent many thousands of dollars.  So I hope they have not been damaged. 

I am also very uncomfortable in the extreme dryness.  He grew up in the desert, but I grew up in a temperate climate.  He seems to need dryness, but I need humidity.  (My house is in a humid climate, which he often criticizes.)

He seemed satisfied with the solution until today.  Suddenly today he started raging about my “saturating” the air with water from my humidifiers, causing condensation on the windows, and ruining his sealant job.  He was raising his voice, shouting, going on and on, for hours, not shouting the whole time, but it’s as close to a rage as he has gotten since early November.  I felt so upset that I lost my appetite and had to stop preparing my dinner.

I pointed out to him that the air was not saturated; the relative humidity indicated by my hygrometers for the past two weeks had been no more than 25%.  By definition, that is not “saturation” or anything close to it.  In fact, it is still extremely dry.  He told me that I did not understand the science.  He told me to go study it.  He said that I was just talking about my own opinion, not science. He said that I put at least a gallon a day into the humidifier.   He asked, “Where does all that water go?”  I said that it eventually goes outdoors, through windows, doors, and chimney.  I said that the extremely cold surface of the window caused water to condense on it, because cold air holds less humidity than warm air.  He said that I did not understand humidity.  He said that I need to find out how my hygrometers work, and what they are really measuring.  He claimed that colder areas of the house would all get condensation.  I said that with a humidity as low as 25%, condensation would occur only if the colder areas were extremely colder.  He said that areas of the basement, where he works, were much colder, maybe 35 degrees.  I said that those areas should be sealed off.  He left in a huff.

He came back and complained that my priorities were not aligned with his, and that I was not showing concern for his health or his work.  He said I could talk endlessly, but until he saw by my actions that I was aligned with him, he would not be satisfied, and he went back to the basement.

I feel that I have already bent over backwards, by allowing him to turn off the humidifier in my furnace, and allowing him to stop me from boiling water on the stove.  I have to do something to maintain my musical instruments, my furniture, my hardwood floors, my own comfort and health, and that of my cat.

It’s ironic, because today the temperatures outside rose to the 50s, and I have turned off the room humidifiers!  I don't know why he is choosing now to make things so difficult.

Am I being unreasonable?  Does anyone have insights or suggestions?  Thanks for any ideas.

seekonlypeace

[seekonlypeace]

My housemate and I are having a conflict about humidity in my house.  He says that I am not being scientific, that I am basing my decisions on opinions, not facts, and that I am not aligning my priorities with him.  I am feeling in a desperate state.  I would appreciate any insights that anyone can provide.

For the past two weeks, the weather here has been extremely cold, with highs in the teens and lows around zero.  My housemate has disabled the humidifier in the furnace that my late husband and I bought in 2009.  The reason he gives is that he is in the process of building an air washer that will attach to the furnace, to filter out the smoke that he constantly detects entering the house.  He thinks that the current furnace humidifier puts too much moisture in the air, which coats the windows and damages the sealant he has applied to keep out the smoke. 

He also demanded that I stop boiling water on the stove, because water collects on the windows and damages the sealant he applied.  He suggested that I just run a humidifier in my room.  So I have been running that, but had to buy a second one to produce enough for the other two rooms where my musical instruments are located.  Even that is not enough.  With the two room humidifiers alone, I have barely been able to get the humidity up to 25% most of the time.  The average humidity in the Sahara desert is 25%.  I have five harps, a guitar, a ukulele, and three woodwinds, and they require humidity of 40 to 60% to avoid damage.  Those instruments represent many thousands of dollars.  So I hope they have not been damaged. 

I am also very uncomfortable in the extreme dryness.  He grew up in the desert, but I grew up in a temperate climate.  He seems to need dryness, but I need humidity.  (My house is in a humid climate, which he often criticizes.)

He seemed satisfied with the solution until today.  Suddenly today he started raging about my “saturating” the air with water from my humidifiers, causing condensation on the windows, and ruining his sealant job.  He was raising his voice, shouting, going on and on, for hours, not shouting the whole time, but it’s as close to a rage as he has gotten since early November.  I felt so upset that I lost my appetite and had to stop preparing my dinner.

I pointed out to him that the air was not saturated; the relative humidity indicated by my hygrometers for the past two weeks had been no more than 25%.  By definition, that is not “saturation” or anything close to it.  In fact, it is still extremely dry.  He told me that I did not understand the science.  He told me to go study it.  He said that I was just talking about my own opinion, not science. He said that I put at least a gallon a day into the humidifier.   He asked, “Where does all that water go?”  I said that it eventually goes outdoors, through windows, doors, and chimney.  I said that the extremely cold surface of the window caused water to condense on it, because cold air holds less humidity than warm air.  He said that I did not understand humidity.  He said that I need to find out how my hygrometers work, and what they are really measuring.  He claimed that colder areas of the house would all get condensation.  I said that with a humidity as low as 25%, condensation would occur only if the colder areas were extremely colder.  He said that areas of the basement, where he works, were much colder, maybe 35 degrees.  I said that those areas should be sealed off.  He left in a huff.

He came back and complained that my priorities were not aligned with his, and that I was not showing concern for his health or his work.  He said I could talk endlessly, but until he saw by my actions that I was aligned with him, he would not be satisfied, and he went back to the basement.

I feel that I have already bent over backwards, by allowing him to turn off the humidifier in my furnace, and allowing him to stop me from boiling water on the stove.  I have to do something to maintain my musical instruments, my furniture, my hardwood floors, my own comfort and health, and that of my cat.

It’s ironic, because today the temperatures outside rose to the 50s, and I have turned off the room humidifiers!  I don't know why he is choosing now to make things so difficult.

Am I being unreasonable?  Does anyone have insights or suggestions?  Thanks for any ideas.

seekonlypeace

[pearlsw]

Hi seekonlypeace,

Strangely enough I had a battle over humidity this week too so your title caught my eye! It was rough to say the least. It was at bedtime and just as he was going to bed my partner suddenly needed to do all kinds of tasks and it just... .it all got way out of hand. He refused to slow down, listen, compromise and got pretty dramatic. I am glad I went ahead and let it deescalate although he was making outrageous threats towards me. It was related to drying wet clothes indoors in the winter... .There were other options but he's not taken the time, for years now, to help me with those other options so I am stuck with either the option he does not like, too much moisture inside, or having only dirty clothes. (I come from a desert climate where you never think about such things, and I respect the need for a solution, but I just wish I could deal with someone with some problem-solving skills instead of this way of interacting... .) Anyway, the issue in my case and in yours is not really humidity, right?

I took a quick skim of your past messages and it simply sounds like you are not compatible roommates and something must be done about that. I think this may be an instance where setting a time limit is in order. It's hard because if you give one that is too harsh you might experience a strong backlash and if you are too lenient it could drag on and the roommate won't act and move on. If you are the homeowner it really is your call... .you don't need this much grief and there is a way out. Are you brave enough to face the consequences? What are your fears? Why are you avoiding the consequences of having him go?

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[formflier]

Sorry you are going through this.

At first blush, it seems as if you understand what you are doing and why (being technically correct).  You have instruments and understand their requirements.  You have meters to measure and I'm assuming they agree.  Chances that two moisture meters are both incorrect and reading the same are very ... very... .low.

I have a side real estate business and deal a lot with variations in humidity... .seasons... .so this is not new and it's not rocket science.

This is not about who is technically correct, but it is nice to know that you are doing this (or were) to protect and satisfy your interests.

This is about dealing with an emotionally upset person.

There is something incredibly powerful about not only validating an upset person... .but agreeing with them.

"You are right... .I'm not aligning my priorities to yours.  I'm setting up humidity in my house to accommodate my needs"  Then stop discussing the right or wrong.

Offer to attend a medical visit with him to better understand his needs directly from his doctor (assuming he is claiming health issues).

He is using this as a "hook"... .vice looking for a solution.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

You can take "humidity conflict" out of the topic and substitute just about anything and the structure will be the same.

He doesn't respect your boundaries. It's your house. You are the ultimate decision maker. He is a tenant. He is there only because you are a kind person.

If you get to arguing about who is correct, he tries to overpower you and dismisses your intelligence. Best to say, "It's my house, my decision."

I'm wondering after all the trouble he's caused you why you continue to let him live there and try and impose his will over yours.

[seekonlypeace]

Thanks to everyone for writing.  Pearlsw, your situation sounds so like mine.  And yet, you are right, the problem is not just humidity.  We are so different that sometimes it seems we are opposites.  And he is so incredibly difficult.  I had a long happy marriage and I know what a good relationship is like.  This is not even close.

Formflier, I like your idea of just admitting that I am not aligning my priorities with his.  It challenges his assumption that the only right thing to do is for me to align my priorities with his.  I think I would have to be careful about how I use that, but it’s a good response to use at some point.

Pearlsw and Cat Familiar, you both asked the question why I am putting up with this guy.  My therapist puzzled a long time over the question why I found it so difficult to get him to leave.  She was working from the theory that relationships with difficult or abusive people are always part of a recurring pattern in one's life.  She commented that my late husband must have been abusive, but I assured her that on the contrary, he was very healing for me.  But when I told her that I had grown up with an extremely authoritarian father and two older brothers who bullied me, a light bulb when on in her head.  She said that I had learned as a child to live with abusers in my family, and that was part of what was going on here.

There is also the fact that I care about him, and sometimes he has acted caring and supportive towards me.  The beginning of our relationship was intimate, but soon his abusive, rough, and odd behaviors, and his rages, pushed me away.  But he can still be intermittently kind.  The fact that he is living in my house makes it difficult.  I can't just leave, because it's my house.  Also, he has very little income, no assets except for a 27-year-old car that needs a lot of work,  and nowhere else to go.  He has isolated himself from friends and relatives.  He has thousands of tools spread all around my house and my other property, many of which need repairs that only he knows how to do.  I would have to sell or throw away all those things, which I spent many thousands of dollars on.  He is tangled up in various stages of many projects here.  Often he says that he has thrown his whole life into this, and that he is doing it all for me.

So it isn't simple.  At one time, I thought he showed signs of flexibility, insight, and openness to change.  But he has not followed up on my request to see a therapist, or to work on ways to manage anger.  Anger and rages are not the only problem.  There is also the problem that he bullies me into doing what he wants to do.  He works all the time, but much of it is not for me -- it includes many projects for himself, such as sealing the house from smoke, inventing an air filter, digging ditches in my yard and installing pipes to bring in air from the woods, installing a surveillance system, etc.  These are not projects that I asked for.  I sometimes feel like a prisoner in my own house.  There are boundary issues with possessions.  He does not distinguish what is mine from what is his.  There is much more, but I can't write it all in one message.  I know this cannot go on forever, but it is much more difficult than I ever imagined.

Part of it is fear that he could do violence.  But my therapist has pointed out that he does not have a record of domestic violence, so I am probably OK.  Still, there are weapons around.  He has issues with alcohol, and rages.  I feel that I have to be careful, and I have to have a plan, before I do anything.  And I have to be sure that I want him to leave, so that I don't waffle later.

Last night, eventually he explained the details of the problem he faces in trying to fix the windows, and actually got into problem-solving mode!  That was an improvement.  He explained that the sealant had dissolved, and he needed to try to scrape it off and replace it, and put plastic, or mylar, over the windows.  He asked if I could leave the humidifiers off just while it is drying.  I looked at the weather, which will be warm and wet for the next day and a half.  He asked for two days, so I said OK.

But today, he has shown no sign of starting to work on the windows.  He might start tomorrow, after it gets cold again, and then I will need humidity.  This was not our agreement.  He spent the day vacuuming the house and doing other things.  At one point, I called down the stairs to tell him something, and he became angry that he couldn't hear me and that I should have known that.  Later I asked why he had moved the cat bowls in the kitchen, and he laughed and said, “You figure it out!  I’ve been vacuuming all day”, and went downstairs.  But I thought I had asked a reasonable question, because he might have wanted to move the bowls permanently, not just for vacuuming.  His response seemed dysfunctional to me.

I think first I need to make sure whether I want to separate or try to make it work somehow.  Then when I figure that out, I need to put together a plan.  To me it doesn't seem simple or easy.

I need to try to get some sleep.  Thanks for your responses.  Let me know if anyone has any more insights.
Seekonlypeace

[formflier]

T
Formflier, I like your idea of just admitting that I am not aligning my priorities with his. 

The word "admit" is bad... stay away from that... .people "admit" things in court.

Agree...

"Oh babe... .wow... now that I think of it that way I 100% agree with you."

FF

[formflier]

Please catch me up on the story... .why is he working on windows?

This your house... correct?  Does he have any ownership interest... whatsoever?

Listen... there are boundary things all over the place that are obviously causing problems.

Step 1 is to accurately define and set the real boundaries.  Then try to get an idea of the boundaries as seen by the pwBPD.

Then an action plan to establish and enforce the boundaries in a healthy way.

I can see how if he is working on windows and responsible for them, he may want to try to control the environment that affects them.  It may be best to thank him, hire a contractor and take your friend to tea... .and re-establish the relationship away from house fix up.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Seekonlypeace,
I have been following your story for a long time and it seems only the details change. He has ideas about doing things to your property which would be appropriate if it were his property. You think lots of the things he proposes are wacky and unnecessary and do damage to your house and will need to be undone if you were to sell it.

He has an idea that he's doing great work that benefits you, but from your perspective, these changes mostly only are things that might benefit him.

He's grumpy, he has no means of support, he has no other place to live. When you first got together, you had a romantic relationship which has deteriorated into a roommate situation. You feel compassion for him. He's got tools and unfinished projects all over your property.

You don't want to turn him out without him having another place, so the situation is ongoing. He's made things uncomfortable for you in your own home, a home you cherished with your deceased husband.

In sum, the value he contributes to your living space is extremely minimal compared to the damage he wreaks.

Is this an accurate description from your point of view?

[formflier]

In sum, the value he contributes to your living space is extremely minimal compared to the damage he wreaks.
 

Focus on this.  Reflect on this.  If after reflection this is a true or accurate statement... .it's time to do serious boundary work.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Oh, and I forgot a biggie in my summation: he has spent a tremendous amount of your money doing these unnecessary changes and buying tools.

[seekonlypeace]

Formflier, yes, it's my house.  He has no ownership.  He might think that the work he does makes it his house too, but as I said, much of it isn't work that I have asked for or wanted.  Yes, there are definitely boundary issues here.  He has a thing about needing to be self-sufficient and not use any outside help, including contractors or advisors.  That kind of thing has triggered rages.

Cat Familiar, you have the story right.  When he first came here, the original project that he was supposed to work on was to build a house in a forest I own 50 miles from my house here.  I never envisioned that he was going to spend much effort on this house here.  The idea was that he was going to build a house in my forest, I was going to sell this house, and we were going to live happily ever after in the woods and grow our own food there. 

I ended up spending lots of money on tools, probably enough to build a house if I had hired someone, but he ended up building only a very small one-room cabin, which he never finished.  He keeps getting diverted onto other projects.  He finds things that need to be done before the required task can be done, and things that need to be done before those other tasks can be done.  Soon he has a whole chain of tasks that need to be done, and never seems to get the end task done. 

His drive to take over my appliances in my house here started with almost his first visit to my house.  I resisted his fixing something that I wanted to learn to fix, and it hurt his feelings.  It seemed strange to me.  But I think he values himself only in terms of the work he can accomplish for someone.  It goes way back to his extremely traumatic childhood, when he was required to work for his foster family.

Some time later, he became obsessed with wood smoke produced by my next door neighbor and the effect on his health.  My neighbor makes a lot of use of his chimney, his grill, and his fire pit, and sometimes he smolders the wood and produces a lot of smoke.  Other times when my housemate detects smoke, I don't detect it.  He raged at me to sue my neighbor.  He went over and talked to the neighbor a few times.  Finally he decided that modifications to my house was the answer.  Some of his modifications I have vetoed, but others I allowed.  It was better than his committing violence on my neighbors.  He sealed the windows, sealed part of my kitchen walls, piped in air from the woods, modified my furnace, replaced my water heater, worked for years on inventing an air filter, and has said he wants to seal all my walls and ceilings in every room.  At one time, he wanted to take down all my siding outdoors and seal underneath it, but I was horrified and refused to let him do that.  He sometimes has a bad cough, and right now says he has an ear infection, but refuses to see a doctor.

I'm embarrassed to say how long this has been going on.  His rages were terrifying to me.  I had never in my life experienced anyone cursing at me, throwing things, and going on and on for hours berating me.  At first I was bewildered and hurt.  I was still grieving my late husband, and this on top of my grief was more than I could bear.  At times, he was comforting to me, and that helped calm my grief.  In the beginning, I longed for the dream of living in my forest, and hoped that he would learn to communicate calmly and to negotiate with me instead of trying to dictate.  He seemed open to learning new ways to communicate.  He tried to call a therapist.  But when the therapist did not return his call, he gave up.  Now he says that he does not need therapy.

At this point, I have nearly given up hope that there will ever be a house in the forest, or that we can live together.  I have become tired of trying to teach him how to communicate and interact.  His rages have decreased, but he seems less open to learning new ways.  In the beginning, I felt hurt, but now I feel more anger.  Often when he snaps at me, I respond with anger myself.  More often, I tell him what I won't allow him to do.  Back in November, when he said he wanted out, I told him that it was fine for him to go.

My therapist told me that she thinks I am making progress, and that I am standing up to him more often.  She says that I must either stand up to him, or tell him to go.  She thought it was good when I shouted back at him.  I thought it was a failure on my part, and that it was better for me to be assertive, but not to shout.  But my therapist argued that it seemed to work based on his reaction.

It is taking me a long time to be certain whether or not I should throw him out.  If I do get that certainty, then I have to figure out the right way to do it.  It's really hard to know exactly what to say, what to do, and how to be safe. 

I'm sorry for going on and on at such length.  I have a journal I have been writing in for therapeutic reasons, and at this point I have more than 300 pages!  But I think everyone who posts here could probably write their own novel.  Thanks for listening, and for your comments.

Seekonlypeace

[Cat Familiar]

It seems like you've been in a quandary for some time, but you know how you feel about him and that his behavior and actions make you uncomfortable in your own home. Your compassion keeps you stuck because you don't want to throw him out without other living options. Yet at the same time, you don't see a future to the relationship. And you wonder about the mechanics of making a change, if he would become dangerous, how you could ask him to leave, what would happen to all those tools scattered around your place (that you paid for).

I know it's a lot to think about. I think, as you've said, the first step is getting clear on what you want. Then after that, it can proceed in a step by step manner. It won't be easy and it won't be pleasant, but it is doable.

My question for you is how long are you willing to let this situation go on? And do you feel you deserve a life free from the distress this man is causing?

[formflier]

What does he bring to your life that is positive?

If he was no longer living in your house... .would you want to spend time with him?

What activities do you do together that you enjoy and look forward to?

Just trying to get a sense of things.

FF

[seekonlypeace]

Cat Familiar, my financial situation will improve in eight months to a year.  When that happens, I will want to improve my house and get it ready to sell.  I envision that will push me to tell him I need the space and freedom to work on fixing up my own house, and that I need to do it myself.  If things get too bad before then, it could happen sooner.  Yes, I know I deserve better than this.

Formflier, I have often thought that he and I would get along much better if he lived in his own house that he paid for himself, and I lived in my house, and we each controlled our own houses, and visited each other, maybe on neutral ground.  We both enjoy nature, gardening, and hiking, and we like the same kind of food.  We sometimes enjoy a movie together, although I have chosen to opt out of the violent action movies that he likes.  He grew up in the West, and I think he would like to return there sometime.  I keep thinking that maybe he would be more likely to find a place there without smoke in the air, and the more dry climate that he likes.  I might have to help him find another place to live.  Then it will be easier to form separate households.

I'm in my late sixties, and am thinking about downsizing, maybe buying a condo, maybe moving near relatives, and preparing for old age.  I have lots that I am thinking about in addition to what is going on with this relationship.  But maybe those other forces will actually help me make decisions and changes in this relationship.

At least that is what I am thinking about right now.  Until the next crisis.

Thanks for listening and for your comments.

Seekonlypeace

[babyducks]

Hello seekonlypeace,

I've posted in your threads before.   And I have to agree with CatFamiliar,   you've been stuck in this quandary for a long time now.

I have lots that I am thinking about in addition to what is going on with this relationship. But maybe those other forces will actually help me make decisions and changes in this relationship.

At least that is what I am thinking about right now.  Until the next crisis.

I spoke with an attorney a little over a year ago, about common-law marriage, cohabitation agreements, protecting myself financially, eviction orders, protection orders, a rental agreement, criminal and liability protection, and a contract he had been wanting to draw up with me.  It sounds as though I am already protected.  The attorney said that I do not owe him anything. 

  That's why I am still trying to decide.  I need to figure something out, because I'm not sure the rages are going to stop.  ... ./... /... .That might resolve it all anyway.

I have confided in one of my brothers, but I think that might have worsened my situation.  My brother told me I should throw my companion out of the house, and offered to drive here (many hours away) to help me do it.  I was still (and am still) in the process of deciding whether or not to separate, so I wasn't ready yet, and wasn't sure that was the way to do it. 

I know you have been holding out hope for something external, that somehow this situation will resolve itself.   I get it.    This is hard work.   Still if you look at the date and time stamps on the quotes I've inserted from your previous posts the only thing that has changed is four years.

You see that on this website.   People who are waiting, waiting for something or someone to come along and change the situation for them... .

I am waiting for the kids to turn 18.
I am waiting for her to actually cross the line and hit me.
I am waiting for her to hit me and actually break something.
I am waiting for him to get into therapy.
I am waiting for the therapy to make a differnce.
I am waiting for him to control his rages.
I am waiting for me to learn to get used to  his rages.

All that waiting is putting the responsibility for your life and your happiness into some one else's hands.   

Here is the simple truth.   Only you can change this   And it will be hard.    It will require difficult decisions.    And sticking with them when it gets tough.

Are you ready to learn and work with the tools here?

'ducks