Son with BPD—we had to kick him out and I'm worried about him.

[dotcommom]

Hi all, I just found out last night that my 18yo son's new diagnosis is BPD. I looked it up and it sounds just like him. So far that is the extent of my knowledge but not my experience with living with someone with BPD. Although I have always been searching for help for him and a proper diagnosis, I have never been able to find anything that has really helped him. Six months ago we ended up having to kick him out of our home due to feeling unsafe and unable to deal with the level of stress he created in our home (lie, manipulate, steal, threats, violence, destruction). This was a VERY DIFFICULT decision and continues to be one.  Especially now that he is getting kicked out the friend's home who took him in for the same reasons he is no longer in our home. I worry all the time about him and can't sleep at night now wondering what will happen to him. He is not a typical 18 yo and very immature and unaware.

Being in their home is not the best situation as they enabled him to have too much freedom and no boundaries or responsibiities, drop out of high school, introduced him to pot and encouraged it's use daily, got him off all other medication, got 3 jobs and lost them all immediately and let him keep all income to spend as he saw fit without saving any to stand on his own or pay them for staying there and auto insurance, etc. They enabled him to get a driver's license and put him on their insurance and a week later he had his first accident and totaled one of their vehicles. Someone who felt sorry for him gave him a very old truck they paid to have it registered and put gas in it for him most of the time. It wasn't a good situation but at least he was warm and safe. Now he is planning on sleeping in the truck.

He is like Jekyll and Hyde. He can be the most awesome, kind, sweet, giving person one minute and then raging and threatening the next.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Welcome dotcommon

I’m so glad you found us.

You clearly love your son very much and it is hard to watch them flounder, bounce around and make poor choices.  Totally infuriating to see others influence and enable too. I don’t know the circumstances of his getting a diagnosis - my own son got dx after we manoeuvred him out of our house. He spiralled down and hit a crisis. I look back now and see it as a turning point for us and him. At least we finally had an answer. I found this site and it’s helped me immensely - in fact it’s saved my family and I say this truthfully.

I encourage you to read as much as you can about BPD (take a look at the top right hand of this page for starters).  There’s very good books out there too that are recommended. There’s a lot to learn and it can be overwhelming but the good thing it will help your own mind calm down. Gosh mine was like a washing machine with a heavy load and I was at such a high state of emotion; just so exhausting! My reaction to his behaviours  calmed when I had a better understanding of why he behaved the way he did.

You’ve said he’ll be living in his truck. It sounds like the people that were trying to “help” learnt the hard way too. I’ve had a similar scenario. Drop out of uni, problem working, drama relationships, irresponsibility, drugs, car crashes and at one point living in a small garden shed in winter. It’s part of the territory and as a parent it’s incredibly difficult to cope with. Our relationship broke down, Why couldn’t he just hear me and listen so I could fix it?  I’ve learnt that I had to change my approach and start being the parent he needed not the one I thought I should be.

It’s a challenge, there’s no quick fixes but there is hope. You’re hurting right now and so is your son. You’ve come to the right place. You can help your own situation.

You seem to be staying in touch with each other so there’s a line of communication so that’s great. How often do you stay in touch and how is he affording to pay for food etc?

Hug because I think you need it right now  

LP

[dotcommom]

Thanks for the reply and hug (I really DID need it!)

He gets food from a food bank.  We are never sure if or how much money he has bc he lies all the time. One thing about him is that he is very resourceful.

I got the book yesterday and started to read it right away and then found this site. Is there any cure? What is the best treatment and medication? What is the best thing I can do right now (while reading the book & getting educated)?

Thanks for all your support!

[wendydarling]

Welcome to the community dotcommon  

And here's a hug from me   I'm so sorry it's the most difficult and heartbreaking decision to ask a child to leave, to be the position no parent ever consider they'd have to make. I'm glad you've joined us, parents are in similar situations to you as you see from LP and others here - you are not alone    

I consider bpdfamily a university and us parents all the students, it's a journey, sticking here has helped me work through in small and gently steps, using the resources here and the amazing support and advice of parents.

Is there any cure?  BPD is often co-morbid, my 29 DD BPD, depression, anxiety, eating disorder. There are treatments, see below link that help our sensitive children manage their emotions, from dysregulating and medications to help with depression, anxiety.

Treatment of BPD

Did your son go for the BPD assessment on his own, you say you've just found out, was he the one who told you? Does the diagnosis make sense to him, he relates to the symptoms and wants to engage in treatment to help himself?

BPD is a broad spectrum, eg my daughter is a quite BPD - she internalises, it took me time to understand what BPD meant for her reading through all the literature, that was my starting point understanding just that and what relates to our unique situation and understanding what personal changes I could make to support my daughter.

Welcome again.


WDx
PS - a recent post of mine, hope.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=317675.10

[dotcommom]

Thanks for the reply WendyDarling,
My son has been in some sort of therapy most of his life and I have never felt that he was on-board with any of the treatment plans bc he is always in denial about what is going on with him. This latest dx came this month and he just found out about it bc he asked his therapist for a copy of his treatment plan. On his own he did this, so maybe this is a step in the right direction. Although he didn't read it at all.

[wendydarling]

Hi there dotcommon

As you say it's a sign he asked, there is some interest even if he's not read yet, he's got it. I understand how worrying this must be for you observing from afar. Do you meet up with him for coffee or lunch, how do you keep in contact?

WDx

[dotcommom]

WDx, The family therapist has recommended that I not have contact with him bc he is so hostile towards me most of the time. But since he is getting kicked out of where he was living I felt I had to get more involved. I told him to bring his thing back here to store. I also found a place that does DBT and sent it to him, since that was part of his treatment plan. Although he though it was just my idea bc he didn't read the treatment plan. It took a couple of days but he made an intake appointment that we went to today (met there) He didn't want to talk to the therapist in front of me which is fine with me except he lies all the time and has a distorted reality and way of thinking and misinterprets most of what people say. But I don't really care what the therapist thinks of me, I just want him to get better. She couldn't tell me what the success rate is of DBT. Do you know how successful DBT is with BPD? I know it will be hard work and he has always avoided any work and denied having any problems, so I wonder if he will really do the work.

[wendydarling]

Hi dotcommon

It's a fine divide isn't it between accepting the guidance of the family therapist, no contact due your sons hostility toward you, we all understand that -  and your stepping in to support your son, he asked for the treatment plan, you arranged DBT, he turned up is positive, question is will he step up, can you step away? I learnt I had to stand back for my daughter to stand up, I could not fix it, I did not abandon her - the tools and lessons to our right  helped me understand how I could help her by changing the way I communicated for her to feel and hear me, as Lollypop shares, we get on it learning here.
 
DTC you are doing brilliantly, we know you are hurting deeply right now. Parents are here with you, we are walking with you and look forward to getting to know the lovely you.    I'm 2 years here, stay with us, we work through this together, small steps.

Is your family with you, are they confused, do you feel alone?

WDx