Boyfriend always claims to be sick.

[Mrb87]

My BPDbf is always coming up with a new sickness or dramatic event to make it seem like it's the end of the world for him. No matter how many times I prove him wrong about these or he proves himself wrong. He will still continue to create situations about how God is trying to torture him. He said the pimple on his face was cancer and he would dead at the end of the year (the doctor said it's a regular pimple and nothing abnormal about it). His back pain was b/c of back cancer and he would have to get surgery (he just started working out again). His gums would need surgery. But after probably 3 months of saying all this he forgets about it and it fades away then something new happens. After hearing this stuff it's like the boy that cries wolf. He'll start his imaginary health rant then I'll remind of all the fail health scares he had and he'll shut up about it or I'll just ignore him altogether but it get in the way of us doing a lot of stuff and having fun (things that we both enjoy) . Also he refuse to take medicine when he is actually sick.  Then he'll accuse me of having some type of illness  to try to make me panic and I'll be like "nah it's just a headache relax". I wish he would care for his mental health like he does his fake illnesses.

[prof]

This sounds like my uBPDw.

Some of her medical concerns are totally genuine.  She does have an honest-to-goodness diagnosed autoimmune disease that has been detected in two separate biopsies.  But it certainly does seem like she milks it as much as she can to get sympathy.  For example, I've lost track of the number of times she's asked me to come home early from work because she's throwing up, only to actually get there and her nausea seems to be completely gone.  In fact, she'll often have me go to the store to buy her junk food!  There's no way I'd be eating that kind of stuff if I had just been throwing up... .

Last night, she freaked out because she thought she might have Parkinson's.  (Thank you, Dr. Google... .)  I tried to validate her fear that it was possible and that she certainly did have some scary symptoms.  However, I also reminded her that between her actual diagnosed illness, the side effects from her multiple medications, and the stress that she's currently going through, all sorts of crazy symptoms were likely.

[formflier]

Mrb87,

I don't think I've been in one of your threads before... so I want to welcome you to bpdfamily. 



What you have described is a common theme around here.  I'm interested to hear more about how you guys intereact (talk) when these kind of things come up?

So... .it would seem that you understand it's not about the sickness... .so what do you think is the "real" reason your BPDbf is raising these issues?

How does he seem to feel when he raises these concerns?  Would you describe him as angry... .anxious... .fearful... .or something else.

  No matter how many times I prove him wrong about these or he proves himself wrong. 

How does he "react" when it's obvious he has been proven wrong?

I can see how this relationship would be exhausting.  How are you holding up?

FF

[Mrb87]

Im completely burned out in the relationship. He knows I try to spend as little time with him as possible. I keep him hidden from friends and the friend that do know of him, knows exactly how he is and dont blame me for having a good time without him. I think the reason why he does this is to get out of future responsibilities/events, get attention (make it appear that life is extra hard for him and the weight of the world relies on him)( He believes in his mind thats good is out to get him out of every living creature in the world and thats y alll this bad luck has fallen on him and he must keep a eye out for all of Gods tricks). Hes warned me about his future death dates and made up illnesses so much i'm numb to it and it sounds normal to me. When i do entertain him then remind him of all his drastic attempts to gain some type of special attention through his ridiculous stories. He get silent like a child who is in trouble or does this humming thing he usually does right after he says something outrageous. My response to his fake death dates are " well we all have to die someday" or " watch the date will pass you by again and i will have to remind you that you were suppose to die yesterday or a month ago". For his fake illnesses I say right away "ok we have to go to the doctor, lets make the appointment" then he'll get really quiet or make a jump to a TOTALLY different topic that popped into his head outta nowhere. Ill tell him ok if you are really sick after work go and get some OTC medicine from the store. Later on when hes out of work ill text him " stop at the store and get the meds u need". but NO REPLY. then ill text him 2hrs later "did u get the meds" and he'll say "no i just came home" then ill say " ok good sounds like ur feeling better". And it will end like that every single time without a fail.

[lostandconfused6]

My BPDbf does the same thing a few months ago he told me he had a torn esophagus and told me he was at the hospital for like 7 hours... .as luck would have it my friend saw him walking around wal mart 5 min after he told me he was going into a CT scan machine... .I never flat out told him my friend saw him and I knew he was lying but I  had dropped hints about her being at wal mart around that time on that day... .and I told him that he should have been admitted to the hospital if that was true because my close friend is a surgeon and told me how serious that injury really is and then he changed it to small scrape in his throat... .I honestly have no clue what he gained from lying about that injury and part of me wants to just tell him I know he wasn't at the hospital but I feel it would trigger him... .

He has also started hinting at being sick before we have plans and I assume its to get out of it but then when it comes down to it he's there... .so idk

[Mrb87]

My BPDbf does it a lot when we have social gatherings, fun events(things he likes more), have to go to the gym,or when its time for him to do his share in the relationship. it never fails! i surprised him one time. i wrote down the day before what he would do, how he would react, what lies he would tell to get out of the situation, how he would compare it to past events in his life, then somehow throw God in there to blame it all on. As i was write this down in front of him i said out loud APPLE APPLE and closed the notepad app on my phone, he looked at me weird and thought nothing of it. THe next day when it was time for the event everything i wrote down on my note pad happened not in the same order but it ALL happened. I gave him my phone to read the notes i wrote down of how he would behave and his face was so disappointed. he read the date and time i wrote it. he read all the way up until the note said APPLE APPLE (he turns red). Then he does a disappointing laugh and says "i bet u think im crazy uh? i know i put u threw a lot im sorry"  But he still denies he has BPD or any other mental disorder then does it all over again.

[lostandconfused6]

Mine admits to BPD when it's convenient... .I have just stated calling him out on his crap lately... .I'm not going to say I don't care anymore because that isn't true but I'm getting fed up and more than ever I have told him his actions are going to lose me... .and he's been better but we will see how long it lasts

He's a professional 1 upper and I call him on that too... .if 'm tired he has to be more tired if i'm seriously ill (which I am because I have MS) he will tell me his heartburn is more important and i'm in sensitive

[formflier]

Mrb87,

It appears you put a lot of energy into "reminding" about meds and/or "dealing" with the claims of illness.

What do you think would change in your r/s if he started talking about cancer of the hangnail and you expressed confidence that he would solve it and then moved on to another topic.

Perhaps even said that we could got back and talk about the topic before his cancerous hangnail came up... or... you could go do something else.

In other words... .if he got no reaction whatsoever from "illness".

Thoughts?

FF

[Mrb87]

 I feel like he would continue for very long time. When we first started dating and before I knew anything about BPD. He began saying he was going to die... .be killed ... somebody was after him... .a disease would kill him... .God would send a random person on the street to stab him in the train station... .I just let him continue to say those things and it took him yr and a half before he stopped only because I reacted telling him this isn't a good conversation topic to have and it sound ridiculous. but I feel like if I say silence the cancer or illness would grow into something worse and worse each day. His father does the same, they have identical life's. no friends, run away from problems, relationship problems everywhere, and get fired from jobs. His father tells him things like he has dreams of him dying. Him and his father have a good relationship (they only understand each other type of relationship). So if I ignore it the father will encourage it and support it . I strongly believe there's a history on mental illness in the family.

[Cat Familiar]

No matter how many times I prove him wrong about these or he proves himself wrong. He will still continue to create situations about how God is trying to torture him... .He'll start his imaginary health rant then I'll remind of all the fail health scares he had and he'll shut up about it or I'll just ignore him altogether but it get in the way of us doing a lot of stuff and having fun (things that we both enjoy)... .I wish he would care for his mental health like he does his fake illnesses.

He's getting something out of creating these "fake illnesses" and I suspect that is attention from you. If you truly want this behavior to go away, you will have to tell him each time that you're confident he'll solve his problem and refuse to talk about it further. Otherwise, he'll just keep needling you to get a response. And regarding doing things together, you might think about doing it alone and saying, "I'd sure like to do this fun event with you. Too bad you don't feel up to it. I'm going to go anyway. I hope you feel better."

Read up on intermittent reinforcement. Each time you cave and talk about his fake health problems, you are reinforcing this tendency. If you truly want this behavior to end, you'll have to give it absolutely no energy. He will probably talk about how cold and uncaring you are and try all sorts of strategies to get you involved, so be prepared. But after a while, if he's not getting the response he wants, he's likely to quit talking about it.

[Mrb87]

Thank u very much I will put your tips to use.