The Steadfast Child

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm being nice. 

I'd also like to say that mom and I are both dealing with this.  Since she cut her H out of their lives this past year,  the kids overall seemed better.  Last Christmas eve,  D then 4 awoke to see the cops on their apartment.  "Are they here to take [step-dad] away?" She only told me this because she was afraid D would tell me.

At D5's baptism,  my friend quipped, ":)1 knows what she likes and that's what she wants." Interesting observation from someone who didn't see her much. 

I've worked on the cosleeping. Most nights with me she stays in her bed.  She does however,  end up next to her brother. 

Last night,  came into my room around 3AM. I cuddled her,  and turning over, she pressed my back for heat and contact.

At 610AM, half an hour before I get up on their days,  S7 comes into the room.  He usually sleeps through and doesn't do that.  ":)adeeee!" He wanted me to cuddle him.  His sister didn't like that.  She got angry,  and tried to insert herself between us.  Me telling her that odd been cuddling her for hours didn't fly.  Nor me JADEing, "I have two kids,  S7 needs love too." She started kicking and hitting us.  She was digging her feet into us trying to hurt us.
 S7 was stroking her head to comfort her (Rescuer), but despite that I had my arms over both of them wasn't good enough.  She sat up and started slapping my arm.  I moved it at one point and said,  "you slapped yourself" After she got her leg.  I chuckled. Then her brother did.  She burst out crying.  "I want Mommy!"

Then she was putting her butt onto her brother's head. I'd had enough.  I got up. 

Later, she came into the kitchen and gave me a dirty look,  which should be trademarked; people say her face is so emotive.  In picked her up to hug her and asked why she was mad.  A grunt in reply.

I went on the back porch. She locked me out.  It was 30F this morning.  Luckily I had the front door keys.  S7 was dressed for school and playing with his Legos. D5 was jumping on the bed trying to break it.  I already showed them a broken support slat earlier in the year.  S7 stopped jumping.  D5 does this on purpose. I'm reminded of what her mom once told me: "I just want everyone else to feel my pain!"

This afternoon,  the kids had a performance in their after school program. We went to a room to gather their things and D5 started eating a cookie she had set aside earlier. Mom gave her some words about it,  and took the other cookie.  I didn't disagree. It was dinner time.  D5 dropped to the floor,  collapsing into herself. Mom and S7 walked out after asking D to pick up her backpack. She didn't.  She demanded I do it but I refused. I walked out of the room.  D picked it up but I saw what was coming. She threw her backpack at me.  That she was mad at mommy made no difference.  I refused to "rescue" her. 

On the way to the car,  their mom said "you need to apologize to daddy for throwing your backpack." D was defiant as ever.  I latched her into her car seat kissed her goodbye.  I'll pick them up Christmas morning.

In similar situations, I try and validate her. Like this morning,  "I see that you're mad,  what are you mad about?" Non verbal cues from her. I pick her up to hug her, which is validating to her,  but it doesn't solve anything other than comforting her in the moment. 

If we don't get a handle on the princess, I can't imagine the tween years,  much less teens.

[Turkish]

I'm being nice. 

I'd also like to say that mom and I are both dealing with this.  Since she cut her H out of their lives this past year,  the kids overall seemed better.  Last Christmas eve,  D then 4 awoke to see the cops on their apartment.  "Are they here to take [step-dad] away?" She only told me this because she was afraid D would tell me.

At D5's baptism,  my friend quipped, ":)1 knows what she likes and that's what she wants." Interesting observation from someone who didn't see her much. 

I've worked on the cosleeping. Most nights with me she stays in her bed.  She does however,  end up next to her brother. 

Last night,  came into my room around 3AM. I cuddled her,  and turning over, she pressed my back for heat and contact.

At 610AM, half an hour before I get up on their days,  S7 comes into the room.  He usually sleeps through and doesn't do that.  ":)adeeee!" He wanted me to cuddle him.  His sister didn't like that.  She got angry,  and tried to insert herself between us.  Me telling her that odd been cuddling her for hours didn't fly.  Nor me JADEing, "I have two kids,  S7 needs love too." She started kicking and hitting us.  She was digging her feet into us trying to hurt us.
 S7 was stroking her head to comfort her (Rescuer), but despite that I had my arms over both of them wasn't good enough.  She sat up and started slapping my arm.  I moved it at one point and said,  "you slapped yourself" After she got her leg.  I chuckled. Then her brother did.  She burst out crying.  "I want Mommy!"

Then she was putting her butt onto her brother's head. I'd had enough.  I got up. 

Later, she came into the kitchen and gave me a dirty look,  which should be trademarked; people say her face is so emotive.  In picked her up to hug her and asked why she was mad.  A grunt in reply.

I went on the back porch. She locked me out.  It was 30F this morning.  Luckily I had the front door keys.  S7 was dressed for school and playing with his Legos. D5 was jumping on the bed trying to break it.  I already showed them a broken support slat earlier in the year.  S7 stopped jumping.  D5 does this on purpose. I'm reminded of what her mom once told me: "I just want everyone else to feel my pain!"

This afternoon,  the kids had a performance in their after school program. We went to a room to gather their things and D5 started eating a cookie she had set aside earlier. Mom gave her some words about it,  and took the other cookie.  I didn't disagree. It was dinner time.  D5 dropped to the floor,  collapsing into herself. Mom and S7 walked out after asking D to pick up her backpack. She didn't.  She demanded I do it but I refused. I walked out of the room.  D picked it up but I saw what was coming. She threw her backpack at me.  That she was mad at mommy made no difference.  I refused to "rescue" her. 

On the way to the car,  their mom said "you need to apologize to daddy for throwing your backpack." D was defiant as ever.  I latched her into her car seat kissed her goodbye.  I'll pick them up Christmas morning.

In similar situations, I try and validate her. Like this morning,  "I see that you're mad,  what are you mad about?" Non verbal cues from her. I pick her up to hug her, which is validating to her,  but it doesn't solve anything other than comforting her in the moment. 

If we don't get a handle on the princess, I can't imagine the tween years,  much less teens.

[DaddyBear77]

Turkish, how consistent is the parenting at Mom's house vs your home? I know very little about the specifics so I'm asking an honest question. One thing that occurred to me is, does mom put on a "show" while you are observing her parenting, but then provide a very permissive environment at her home?

You know that in my situation I'm parenting one child, and doing it while in the context of being "married." It's not technically co-parenting, and I get to observe a much larger percentage of the parenting time. But even so, the inconsistencies are there and very obvious. I can't help but think that my D4 is very confused about what is expected of her. It's also very worrisome that she's using kicking and slapping as a means of expressing herself - it's clearly VERY threatening to her to have S7 ask for his share of affection and love. If S7 is reverting to caretaking after not being able to get your attention, clearly D5's demands are taking something away from him as well.

Just so you know, these are all complete guesses and I could be completely off base on everything I'm saying - I feel like I really have no clue or standing to be saying anything. But I figured I'd take a guess at what might be happening and see if you had any more thoughts or observations since last weekend.

[Turkish]

I think that "Mommy" has been getting better.  Their former step-dad told me twice "the kids seem calmer when you return them." I think she is permissive until she blows up innapropriately. Last night,  I picked them up at grandma's house. I had them the whole week but needed her to watch them for two hours.  D went to the bathroom,  then cried for Mommy to wipe her. D5 tried that at my house but I refused to engage.  Funny... .all week,  including two days out of town and D5 never once asked me to wipe her.  I feel creepy doing it.  That their mom is female maybe isn't creepy, but it's not normal. 

I stated my view last night even in front of my ex's younger sister who has a 4 year old.

Thankfully,  I have them half the time so I can deprogram, or at least  not reinforce such infantilization. She still does it with D7 who turns 8 in 3 weeks!

Tonight, D5 pulled a Regan from The Exorcist over me not giving her a second ride from my bed to hers.  Kicking my face and hitting me was unacceptable.  I told her.  I think mom acquiesces but may lash out also.  She told me the other day that she gets triggered when S7 cries because her mom used to never tolerate her crying (smack, pinch, verbal invalidation).

I don't feel like this is a major crisis like most stories here,  but rather an ongoing dynamic I need to get a hold of on order not more problems arise in the oncoming 'tween years.  I know what I do now,  but don't want to end up as a parent on the Parent board.

[takingandsending]

Hey Turkish.

I wrestle with these types of blow ups from S6 quite a bit. He expresses his upset by yelling or hitting. I think you just need to remain consistent with validation of the feeling and boundary on what forms of expression are acceptable. You sound worn down by it a bit. Just like the pwPD, the changes in routine, the excitement and trying to be good around Christmas are hard on kids. Have you noticed things getting a little more amped up over the holidays or is it par for the course?

[Turkish]

It seems par for the course. I know their mom deals with the same.

[takingandsending]

Turkish,

I get the same type of jealousy and acting out from both S6 and S12. I think for my kids, in the middle of two divorcing parents, having a uBPDm, and dealing with their day to day sibling and school peer relationships, there are going to be rough patches. Sometimes, S6 still asks me to wipe his butt after bathroom. He can do it, but he wants to know that I am here for him. My feeling is not to make him wrong for what he asks or wants in the moment, to let him know (indirectly) that I see he still needs me and I am here, and let him know that he is responsible for his own hygiene. We usually get through that particular situation with humor. With the hitting, I don't let him hit me. If I try to hold him, he pushes on me, and here, I let him push and don't resist. We usually end up on the floor and he starts to laugh. He wants to see that he is strong, that I can yield. But it doesn't have much friction to it. It's more like we are performing something or making something that feels not safe into play that is safe.

I know you will keep showing up for D5. Some of this is brain development, some is hereditary brain chemistry, and some is learned from parents. But, if your attachment is strong, consistent and mostly healthy, she is getting what she needs to develop emotional health.

[Fie]

Hi Turkish 

I know what I do now,  but don't want to end up as a parent on the Parent board.

You won't end up there. You can do this.

Would you consider a brief intervention of a therapist ? Not because all of this is extremely problematic, but just to keep things manageable for yourself ?

My child was difficult when she was 2-3. She's 9 now. She is supersweet (touching wood) and I never have problems with her. I am sure this will be the case for your kids,  too.

In the past when I seperated from her dad, I asked advice from a psychologist a few times - by email. Even though it was not a real 'intervention' in the sense that I took my child to go there, I got help from that. I did the same thing after a break up from BPD which left me quite devastated because I couldn't see everything clear anymore. It helped.

What do you think ?

[sweetheart]

Often when children are struggling emotionally with something they will emotionally regress to a point where they need more care again.

When my h went into hospital last Spring our s9, kept wandering around the landing at night, he didn't know why. He couldn't settle to sleep. I asked him if he wanted to come in with me for a while because I could see he was worried. I used the nights to support him by letting him be with me and we spent the days talking about how sad and worried he felt about his dad.

After about three months he just stayed in his own bed and was better able to verbalise his confusion about the future for us as a family.

He has done things like this over the years. When his father was very unwell about three years ago, my son then six kept gagging on his food and started to be fearful he would choke. So I took it right back to basics, made him softer food like cottage pie, and fed him for a little while. Then it just stopped and I tried to explore the underlying worry (always about dad) that I know is underneath the anxiety.

I watched a program once that said that children who are or have been exposed to lots of emotional uncertainty and upheaval often have a need to regress in order to rebuild and get their core security needs met again. We are adults a very long time and children for such a short while. Your children will be wanting their emotional security replenished by you after they have spent time with their mother because they are learning that it is not something she can consistently or effectively give them.
Your children  are checking that you are and always will be the steadfast parent.

[Turkish]

I took them to the coast today. At lunch,  the kids fought to sit next to mommy in the booth.  D5 bit S7. He cried.  I put her on my side. She collapsed into fetal position and periodically hit me. I smacked her on the butt once, not hard and told her to knock it off. When I tried to validate that she was mad,  she hit me.  She ended up ok after 15 mins,  let me hug her. 

Neither mom nor I can seem to get past her hitting when she's frustrated. Even though S7 has ASD1 (Asperger's), I think we might have more issues with D as she gets older.

I'm thinking we might revisit the parenting class we took the summer before last. There's something both mom and I are missing or doing wrong.

[DaddyBear77]

I have always wanted to find a good parenting class - what kinds of things do they cover in the class you're thinking of Turkish?

Also, I've had concerns about D4 as well and I'm seeing signs of pushing and hitting creep in. I reached out to a trusted therapist who was a huge advocate for keeping our family together and healthy - I'm hoping she can provide some good advice and direction, too.

[sweetheart]

Your daughter has had lots to contend with and she is still very very young.
From what you have posted here over time, your daughter has had things happen to her and around her that most young children will never have to encounter. The abuse she experienced from her uncle may still be unresolved inside her. The things that she saw and heard with her mother and new partner, and maybe even from when your marriage broke down may all be contributing to her current behaviours.  Also having a brother with autism is hard. I work as volunteer for an autism charity and the impact on siblings can be immense.

it makes perfect sense that she would be angry. Acting out like biting and lashing out is very typical behaviour in young children because they don't have the words to express how they feel. Regressed behaviour is also very typical in young children who have been abused.

It might be really helpful for your daughter to have some therapy, something just for her. Play Therapy is the recommended therapy of choice for younger children. My son's infant school used to offer 1:1 emotional support every week from a specially trained teaching assistant. All drawing and colouring pictures, playing with toys, nothing direct or intrusive. He loved it, and it really helped him start to find words for how he was feeling.

Or the other option is full on Family Therapy, but given your wife's issues this might be quite triggering for her.

I am in the UK and for siblings of brothers or sisters who have autism, they can from the age of 5 access Young Carers initiatives. They incorporate both fun and therapy in a supportive environment with trained youth workers and counsellors. Is there anything similar where you are?

[Turkish]

D5 went through TFCBT the summer before last.  She was cleared of lasting trauma.  Concurrently,  we took two back to back 5 week parenting Classes.  S7 had in home ABA from last March to November.  Mom stopped that,  though I wanted to continue through December. D liked it because of the attention.  As I said,  kids have been better since their mom seperated from her H a year ago.  Still,  I can't wonder how the kids think when H came to their door weeks ago and mommy said,  "don't come back.  You're no longer a part of our lives." Necessary,  but cruel. 

I'm thinking revisiting the class might help,  maybe with S (turns 8 in 3 weeks) participating with us while his sister is in the group play therapy (again).

I took them both out to eat last night.  They were rambunctious.  They were loud even in a Norske house.  I put the menu between them and told them to knock it off.  I was about to take them home but I wanted some damn Pho. I finally told S7 to come sit next to me.  He refused. I initiated Wolfish Protocol 1: "come sit next to me,  because if I have to come over there and get you,  I guarantee that you aren't going to like it!"  This has never not worked.  He came.  Then he started crying, really crying.  ":)addy's a meanie! I hate daddy and wish he would die!" D5 started in similarly,  though not crying. 

We got the food.  They calmed down.  My son even wanted to try my Sate  (kind of spicy soup) and he liked it. 

After we got home,  I dosed D with Tylenol due to an ear ache.  Things were ok until bedtime until D threw her usual tantrum.  She was jumping on the bed again. They actually broke a support strut by doing this in the past. I told D to knock it off. She mocked me. Oh, no! I told her not to mock me.  She knew she was in trouble and went into her fetal position mode (Turkish Daughter Protocol 1), like a pill bug. I picked her up and put her into the spare room on time out.  It's her room which I have only 50% ready for her.  She lay on the floor.  I turned out the light.  She turned it on and came out to come across the hall and slam S's door, then went back in.  I ignored her and coached S not to laugh (it was kind of funny).

I was talking to S, we read some bible verses (no proof texts, just some from D's children's bible). Eventually,  D came back and she was fine.  I bid them goodnight and went to my room to read my tablet.  I heard to patter of little feet and they crawled into my bed.  I told D I was going into their room to sleep,  and she protested. So I turned in at 9PM, my arms over the kids. 

I think I'm doing something wrong here,  letting myself be played,  or playing a game that the kids know well, especially D.

This morning,  I had no issues getting them to school.  I made a comment that they wished I was dead and S7 said, "no! I was just kidding!" D5 piped up,  "I was kidding when I said I only wanted a mommy! I love both daddy and mommy!"

I sent them off and told them I'd see them Friday night for the weekend.  We are going to their cousin's birthday party on Saturday.  I think I'll talk to their mom about her experiences. The parenting class is only $10/session co-pay. Might be worth revisiting. 

[sweetheart]

Everything else aside, being a single dad to two kids under 10 is hard. Then add in a full-time job, the exw, life and then here on these boards we tend to have all the extra bits as well, that is tough and full-on.

If you feel like you're being played, or doing something wrong then a Parenting Course can't hurt.

[takingandsending]

Hey Turkish.

What you said sounds okay to me. Yes, kids play parents, and you played them, too. They are working and playing out conflict, because conflict occurs in their lives and they don't know how it works. Be consistent in your boundaries that really are important to you so that they learn and know how to identify that clearly. And let them know that you hear them.

Consider the alternative - a child growing up that never gets to assert their will but is obedient to their parent's will. There's a sweet spot in the middle, where the child's will can be seen, felt, acknowledged, even lead where appropriate, and the parent's will is a container, structure, roof, guide. At least that's the best I have been able to aim for.

[Fie]

hey Turkish  


I think you are doing great  

I am far but an expert. Personally I do think it's not a good idea that your children would get the feeling you are ok with them saying things like 'I hate daddy and I wish he'd die'. I am not sure, but I'd set my limits there.

Something like (Turkish raises his voice and sounds very severe) : 'Those are *not* things I want to hear again. Do you understand ?'  I think after that a little isolation could be a good idea too, f.e. 'please go to your room now and think about what you just said'.  At least that is what I would do (if my words alone wouldn't have the desired effect).  Not really sure, because all family dynamics are different. In case of my daughter and me, I usually am quite a softy with her, so if I raise my voice she knows I'm serious. Maybe you'd want to address an expert on this.

They are probably just testing... .but  maybe you'd consider halting this, no saying hurtful things to dad. I don't have experience with the exact same thing. My daughter did hit me sometimes as a child. As long as she was a baby I of course didn't say anything. But from a toddler on, when she did things like that, I grabbed her firmly (without hurting of course), looked her severely in the eyes and raised my voice saying things like : 'I don't want this'. After a few times this kind of behavior stopped.  I guess I can look very severe if I want to 

Please when raising your voice be careful you don't actually get angry because then we sometimes tend to say things we don't mean.

[flourdust]

Turkish, do the kids have a therapist now? I think an evaluation is in order. My D began demonstrating a lot of opposition, defiance, extended dysregulation, and verbal and physical threats beginning around age 4. It took a talk with teachers and a therapist to realize that this was beyond the bounds of normal behavior for kids that age and required intervention.

No parent wants to hear that ... .and it's REALLY hard to nail down a diagnosis for disordered behavior at a young age, so we spent years bouncing between different kinds of therapies and medication ... .but it did get us to a place where D could thrive.

[Turkish]

Fie, that's a good idea.  I might be firmer rather than going the guilting route.

flourdust, I picked them up for the weekend.  We went to the drug store then the mall.  The kids behaved,  and no tantrums. She voiced her displeasure that I cuddled her brother first,  but I warned D5, "I'm getting sick of the nightly tantrums. I will come cuddle you next.  Let's just go to bed." Son said,  "she's going to climb up and kick and bite!" I said,  "no she isn't," and she didn't.  I kept my promise.

She had a T we could contact again.  The thing is that she is fine in school with other kids.  Ditto Sunday school.  The only feedback I got from the school teacher was that sometimes she had trouble missing is during class.  The teacher suggested what I would call an attachment totem,  maybe even with a pic of mom and dad, in order to comfort her. 

[flourdust]

She had a T we could contact again.  The thing is that she is fine in school with other kids.  Ditto Sunday school. 

I think it's worth contacting that T. With my D, we would see acting out behaviors in different environments -- not necessarily the same at home and school.

[Fie]

She had a T we could contact again.  The thing is that she is fine in school with other kids.  :)itto Sunday school.

Same opinion as Flourdust here.
I think everyone needs some therapy now and then. Not that we are all unhealthy, but I see it more like a health check up : can't hurt. Same for children, especially for children.

It doesn't have to mean she would go for a lot of sessions. Maybe one or two. What harm can it do right.
Same for your son btw. It's no fun being kicked and scratched by your sister.

We all need a listening ear now and then. For us, it can be therapy, a friend, or these boards. For children, therapy is useful I think.

[Bushido]

If we don't get a handle on the princess, I can't imagine the tween years,  much less teens.

woww... sounds so alike my D8... .and to make it worse... .she lives with her BPDmom... .900km away

[Turkish]

Will email the T to solicit feedback.  Maybe a session is warranted,  maybe a revisit to the parenting class. Kaiser tends to shuttle members into group therapy unless there is a crisis.  It's a non profit health provider, but they act like a for profit organization. That being said,  the TFCBT for D5 was no problem,  and the ABA in-home treatment wasn't either, once they diagnosed S with ASD1. I talked to mom today and she agreed it was a good idea to reach out. 

I spent 10 hours with her and the kids today,  driving to their cousin's 4th birthday party in the valley.  While I don't think my ex is a bad mom these days,  there were several decisions she chose which might contribute to the kids acting out. 

D5, S7, C10, and C4 were in a jumper in the backyard. S7 naturally was triggered by the other kids.  He shut down and hid in a corner. I think it was his sister.  I tried talking to him,  but he was defiant and tried to hit me through the jumper mesh.  He was OK later. 

After that,  D5 was crying.  Ex-BIL was on the back porch grilling. He said something to his sister in Spanish. I'm not fluent,  but I got it.  I was already getting up as my ex told me to go check on D5, who was crying. I commented to the room (6 other family members), that our kids being upset was the norm.

Later, my ex was busy holding her infant niece again,  she sent me out to see why D was crying again.  S7 and C4 were doing a sing-song that was annoying her.  I balked about going out again, then my ex said, "you wanted to be a father,  take care of it!" I was mildly pissed off, but let it go.  D5 wanted to go home,  but didn't want to leave the jumper.  D was really upset to get attention,  crying.  I went back inside.  Her family thinks she should smack our kids,  as this is the script which plays when she has them. 

Earlier,  we had started watching Cats and Dogs 2 movie.  After eating, the kids went back to the jumper.  We adults finished the movie.  It's ridiculous, but funny because of that.  The kids came back on as the credits rolled.  S7 went into a tantrum mode.  He wanted is to start the movie over. I said no,  trying to SET, but he was crying.  I was firm. His mom,  now holding the other infant niece,  started the movie despite my protestations that S chose to play,  and the 8 adults in the room wanted to move on. 

After 10 minutes, some of the adults, pausing from their conversations, started asking why we were watching the movie over.  I threw up my hands.  We paused to do the cake and open presents. The kids were on the floor doing play dough.

After 15 mins,  S7, heretofore engaged in play dough, asked why the movie wasn't on? I told him that it had changed.  I didn't tell anyone to change it.  He got mad and went to the back of the house to sit on the hallway,  angry.  I ignored it,  but then asked C10 where he was.  "In the back."

I went to talk to him and he was really upset.  I may have JADEed trying to explain that he left the movie twice.  He was verbally "Uuuuhn!" Non verbal, and tried to hit me.  In left him. I went back into the living room.  My ex asked me where he was.  I told her and why.  She talked to him and also left him there. 

After 20 mins,  I noticed that he had come back to play with the other kids.  No further drama.  When we got home,  no further drama,  though it was a little awkward when the kids wanted mommy to have a sleep over at our house.

So my take on this is that the kids need to learn to handle their conflicts, short of physical abuse, and that S7 needs to learn that other people have needs and feelings too, and that his ASD1/Asperger's isn't an excuse (though I'd never throw his Dx in his face like that).

In know how I would have handled this sans mommy: short of injury, D5 can cry (the boys were certainly annoying,  but not requiring parental intervention), and S7 needs to suck it up given that he isn't the center of the universe (D5 as well!).

When we got home after a hours drive,  S7 was fine,  and he went to bed with he and I ok despite him being angry and trying to hit me twice earlier.

I fantasize about having the kids 100% of the time to raise them how I would,  but this is a fantasy. My view is that mom alters between enabling them,  or getting BPD angry innapropriately. When she was with her H, he commented to me that the kids seemed calmer when I returned them.  While I don't view things like this as a crisis like the stories of so many here,  I worry a little about the long term implications.  . 

[flourdust]

Ugh, Kaiser. We used to have them when we lived in LA. My take was that they controlled costs by making basic care really easy to get in many locations ... .and anything expensive or long-term required you to travel to one of their remote satellites.

[Ulysses]

Hi Turkish,
I read your original post awhile ago and am rather late in replying to your situation.  Very briefly, here are thoughts I have, in case you find any of this helpful:

*As I think you've already mentioned, it sounds like your exW might vacillate between too much care/infantilizing your D, and harshly punishing her.  This sounds like a very black/white approach and I agree with other members who suggested considering therapy for your D.  I imagine it's difficult to be treated so differently by one person.
*You mentioned your ExW demanded your D5 apologize to you immediately after striking (or something) you.  Personally I'm not a big proponent of this approach.  I think when children are crying, hitting, etc., they may not be able to reason.  Demanding an apology immediately is probably useless.  I find it helpful to direct attention away from them, and maybe toward the injured party.  Then talk with them when they're calmer. 
*I always think behavior is communication.
*Do you do things socially with people who are supportive of you?  For instance, I have heard my mom or my sister tell my kids, "I don't like to hear you talk that way to your mom," or, "I don't think that's a kind way to speak."  I've even had a couple of babysitters who have corrected my children or unknowingly supported my rules (e.g. you have to wear a winter coat when it's 40 degrees and raining cats and dogs).
*Try not to worry about how your daughter will be when she's older, based on her actions now.  It's good to be aware and get her help/get yourself some support if you feel you need it.  I don't think it's helpful to borrow trouble (I know you were probably joking, but I thought it is worth saying anyway).
*It is very difficult for a little sister whose older brother is on the autism spectrum.  Sometimes there can be missing empathy pieces that are difficult for a younger sibling to deal with.  If your son laughs when his sister gets upset, it will only make her feel worse.  When things are calm, it might be useful to speak with your son about his behavior., and, importantly, his feelings.  How does he feel when D gets upset?  (Maybe he laughs because he's uncomfortable or scared?)  How does he think his sister feels when she acts that way, and/or when he laughs at her?   
*There are some good books on anger and hitting.  There is one from a Buddhist perspective called, "Anh's Anger," if you're comfortable with that.  Also, Moody Cow Meditates.
*I hope you're taking time for you.  It's very difficult to be a single parent in your situation.

[formflier]

Turkish,

One thing I often do when a child is "being difficult" is I will turn on the recorder on my phone.  I then give my best parenting try and at my next appointment with my P, she can hear "first hand" what the child was saying and actually hear the emotion in their voice and in mine.

That's been invaluable in getting me to understand where my kids are coming from and to "nudge" them in a better direction.
 
For us, D7 has been the concern.  She was young when BPDish stuff was at its height in my family.  We have done kindergarten twice with her and now that she is in first grade... .she is almost caught up.

Connecting with her on an emotional level has helped her be more open and "flare ups" resolve much quicker.

Switching gears

As far as immediately apologizing, for big public things I tend to encourage it (and many times demand it).  Totally understanding that it is not sincere.   There are lessons here for others watching.

Later... when things have calmed and a kid can be more empathetic... .guiding them to understand how someone else was hurt will get them to a place of sincerity.    Usually that creates another apology that is more real.

Now... .many of us on here talk about things on a spectrum.  Certainly if a kid is really acting out, it's time to let them chill by themselves... .

Good discussion... keep it up.

FF

[Turkish]

Recording is a good idea.  

Two things came up last night.  

Mommy called at 6:30 and said she wanted to talk to D5. She got intuition or a feeling around 5PM that D5 was in danger. I picked the kids up from the after school program at 6PM.

D5 wasn't engaged, but it was a rare instance of me letting them watch TV on a school night.  :) was distracted. Their mom thought something was wrong.  I had S7 pause the TV.

Their mom told me that a couple of times she's picked up D, the only male "teacher" was there with the kindergarteners. The other 6 "teachers" are females. I don't know what triggered her. I'm not rejecting intuition altogether as I'm a fan of Gavin deBecker's books which we recommend (The Gift of Fear), but my ex is clinically Dx'd with Anxiety as well as depression,  not BPD. I don't want D5 to turn out a basket case who fears everybody.  

She wants to talk about our son on Sunday as well.  He told her that he was afraid his teacher wouldn't like him because be wasn't good at math.  He doesn't tell me these things.  I'm not a Cro-Magnon (in that I'm emotionally unavailable to the kids). Yet, I can't wonder if the kids feed upon her anxiety to validate her.  A role-reversal.

About the after school program,  I told her that the kids were safer there them if we put them with a random family or sitter. I didn't telegraph my opinion of her "intuition" to not shame her though I was rolling my eyes.  I said that we could talk to the site manager about safety policies if needed.  

I also told her she was free to call on any of my custody days reminding her I've told her this before.  No problem.  It's normal.  Tonight,  no call.  Kids serve to assuage her anxiety when needed.