Need advise regarding divorcing BPD wife

[goldenmagpie]

I am afraid of her emotional reaction. I want her to not get traumatized. We have been married for a year.

I moved out of the apartment while she was traveling. I told her I needed space. She is currently having a friend stay over at with her.

She thinks I am just taking a break and will reconcile with her. I am going to have to tell her that I divorcing her.

I want her to not be traumatized. I do not want her to end her life. I don't want to get hurt either.

Ideally, I would want her to dump me. I don't mind getting split black.

She says she loves me a lot and can't imagine not being with anyone else. That she had an amazing time with me and was so happy the last 1 year. She wants to work out our differences. That she will control her emotions and not get angry. I had issues with her lies. But she denies that she ever lied.

Divorce is a big taboo in our culture.

Question#1. Is it better to tell her ASAP about the divorce or drag on the "needing the space" time and then eventually tell her so she can handle it?

Question#2. We don't have kids or a house together yet. I met with a lawyer today. He took a look at my case and told me it might not be very complicated because we don't have kids.

He asked me why I wanted the divorce. I told him that she threatened suicide. He shook his head and said she might be having psychological issues and might need help. He said he understood why I considered this route.

My wife tells lies like I tell the truth, very confidently and convincingly. Divorce is a big taboo in our culture, though the trend is changing. I am afraid that she might file false statements or might try and delay the case from going on forward.

I collected evidence via chats where I told her I was afraid of her committing suicide and she replied saying she will control her aggression and that she was too much of a chicken to commit suicide.

Given my situation, is it worth hiring the best lawyer or should I go with an okay lawyer/do it myself? The lawyer says he expects this to be easy and smooth but if my wife drags him to the court and gets it to trial, he will have to charge me more money.

Please advise.

P.S: My wife is super sweet and nice when things are good. But she has a bad side that I haven't yet completely seen yet. I met her 9 months back. It was a whirlwind romance and we got married in a hurry. I am already contemplating divorce because of the simple reason that she never admits to even one single thing that she does wrong, the lies and the gas-lighting.

[ForeverDad]

I am afraid of her emotional reaction. I want her to not get traumatized. We have been married for a year... .  I am going to have to tell her that I divorcing her.  I want her to not be traumatized. I do not want her to end her life. I don't want to get hurt either.

You have little control over her actions, reactions and overreactions.  Yes, you can try to minimize the impact but the rest is up to her.

You may never know for sure whether her threats to "end her life" are a real contemplation or (more commonly) a tactic to control you and make you do what she wants.  In my country (US) if a person threatens suicide then it is okay to call emergency services for help and an assessment.  (Of course I'd also have to have proof of the suicidal comments or I'd have no way to counter her Denials that I was exaggerating or making it up.)

In general it is usually better to unwind a simple marriage sooner than delaying... .let things get more complicated and then you face a really hard time in courts.  I think we all would agree that whether you divorce now or wait, don't agree to buy large items together (such as a home or expensive items) or have children together.  That joint ownership or joint parenthood makes a divorce much more expensive, both emotionally and financially.

[goldenmagpie]

Thanks a lot for replying. We got married in the US and are currently staying in the US.

True, I don't have control over her emotions and I think the suicide threats are not real. She was definitely using it for manipulation.

Is it worth hiring a top notch lawyer to get the divorce done. Or should I do it myself/hire an okay lawyer.

Divorce is a big taboo in our culture and my spouse would be definitely against the divorce. She really wants this to work. She says she is extremely happy being married to me and that I am overreacting.

We live in a no fault state. Is it possible for her to prolong the case and cause issues to me? We have no kids or property together.

I feel she is always going to be sweet, nice and decent enough to deal with as long as I don't trigger her or divorce her. If things get ugly, I might be seeing a darker side of her that I only got brief glimpses every now and then.

Is it worth lawyering up or will it play out easy. This is what I am concerned about.

[ForeverDad]

Do you want to risk using an okay lawyer?  Would you consider hiring an experienced, proactive lawyer as paying a little extra as a sort of 'insurance' in case it does get bad?

I am not talking about cost.  Lawyers are expensive but you don't have to choose the most expensive to get the right lawyer.  (Mine charged much less than other lawyers, he communicated well with me, he cared professionally and he tried to find less expensive solutions.  In some ways he wasn't as proactive as I wished, but I know he was better than most.)

[livednlearned]

Question#1. Is it better to tell her ASAP about the divorce or drag on the "needing the space" time and then eventually tell her so she can handle it?

I wonder if there is a third way, where you tell her you do not have skills to handle aggression and conflict and threats of suicide by a loved one, that you have some work to do, and you are trying to learn.

There are some relationship and communication skills that can help prevent things from getting worse (members on the Improving board can work on these skills with you). Then use that time to learn the skills while gathering information about your legal situation. Doing both at once will help prepare you.

Question#2.  Given my situation, is it worth hiring the best lawyer or should I go with an okay lawyer/do it myself? The lawyer says he expects this to be easy and smooth but if my wife drags him to the court and gets it to trial, he will have to charge me more money

Did the lawyer specify what your wife could do to drag things to court? Every state has a different way of doing things.

Did you learn how things work where you live, and what you would have to do in order to file for divorce?

From what you describe, it sounds like her go-to response is to threaten suicide. I would encourage you to work with members on the Improving board to figure out a way to handle things skillfully if she does this, to protect her and you. That might mean you let her know what you will do if she threatens suicide (for example, and this is just an example: "I am not skilled in knowing how to support someone who is feeling suicidal, so if you tell me you feel suicidal, I will have to call 911 because they will know how to keep you safe).

There are other phrases to say to someone with suicidal ideation that might be more appropriate based on the way she experiences SI. She is wanting to put the responsibility for her feelings on you, when in fact only she has that responsibility. The key is to use phrases that make clear what you can and cannot do, what you will and will not do, in order to keep both of you safe.