Need advice please

[MomMae]

This is not about my BPD daughter, but I am hoping for some help because I trust and value the good people on this board.

My son,  nBPD, 23, had a very serious car accident and suffered a traumatic brain injury, needing to convalesce at our family home for several scary months.  His recovery has been miraculous, even according to medical professionals and he has moved back to his own place and begun returning to work at a stressful professional position.  Though still recovering, he is basically back to his old self.  He has a girlfriend who is still in university who he has been dating for a couple of years.  They live very close to each other. 

We really liked her, and when we have seen her (much more since the accident) she acts like a caring person who is concerned about our son.  However, while he was convalescing at our home and I was keeping an eye on things, I became aware of how she was virtually ignoring him (they communicate through messaging) and when she did respond it was typically curt, even sarcastic and hurtful, or all about her.  She shows no interest in things important to him (ie a new car, his childhood pet dying) and makes fun of how he was in the first weeks after the injury (memory loss, gibberish talk, etc.)  We had been concerned even prior to the accident that something was amiss as our family had noticed our son often seemed sad when we asked about her and they rarely seemed to spend time together and only when she deemed it.  As it turns out, prior to the accident they had been fighting about her ambivalence and lack of response to messaging; it is very possible this was even a contributing factor in the accident (preoccupation/distraction).  She neglected to tell us that she had been with him minutes prior to the accident; he has no memory of this time due to his injury.

Now that he has returned to his life near her, she is continuing to basically ghost him and when she does respond it is usually cruel and caustic.  She is too "busy" to see him or even message, but finds time for all her other passions.  As we all know, if you want to be with someone, you find a way, so she is very obviously making excuses.  She had told him that it was her turn to be supportive for him as he has been to her (her words), but that is not happening in the least.  It breaks my heart to see him repeatedly and lovingly messaging her and being ignored.  He checks his messages compulsively.

Normally I would stay out of this and never consider interfering beyond offering some gentle advice to my son, which I have been doing and he is receptive to.  But these are not normal circumstances as he is recovering from a very serious brain injury that can affect ones' emotional and mental well-being and she is very aware of this.  He has been very lucky, but all of his family are very concerned, scared even, that this cruel behaviour is going to cause a set back, or worse.  What should we do?  After everything our son and our family has gone through - we almost lost him - it doesn't feel right to just sit and watch someone toy with his mental well-being.  As far as the girl knows, we still think she is the nice person she presents herself as when we see her.

*I had wrote the above yesterday before this incident happened last night: he went out to meet her at a coffee shop, was supposed to be back by 10 because he desperately needs his sleep due to the head injury and must get up for work at 6:30.  Most people with head injuries need extra sleep and if they try to cheat it WILL catch up to them.  Finally at almost midnight, he shows up with her in tow. (I am staying with him while he transitions back to work.  We live two hours away)  I had told her previously how much he needed his sleep so I did tell her that it was not a joke, that his very life could depend on it with his long commute time.  He looked like an absolute zombie this morning.  He did make it to work safely, but I am so, so worried, especially about the hour long commute home. (his car accident happened on his commute)

Please anyone with any advice, I need it.  I have written up a text to send her, but I am hesitant mostly because I am scared that my son may get angry.  I know I am enmeshed in his life right now, and believe me, I don’t want to be.  But these are not ordinary circumstances, he is still recovering from a very serious TBI.

I’m scared.  MomMae

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Hi MomMae

How terrifying, thinking that something irreversible could happen to your loved son due to this gf's callousness.

I agree you should speak up, otherwise if something happened you would always wish terribly that you had.  But, I would make sure just as dealing with BPD children to be very non-accusatory.  Here's what I would suggest:

Imagine for a moment that his gf cares deeply about him.  Write to her as if she were another person who cares deeply about your son and shares your concerns if not your perspective about the dangers, and share your fears for his safety as clearly as you can.  Pretend that she cares too, and ask her what you can do to help make sure he is safe and to keep you posted.

Probably this won't do any good, but being accusatory probably would do less good.

When you talk to your son, is he open to moving back near you?  If he were closer you could help make sure he is ok? 

[MomMae]

Thank you, incadove for your thoughtful reply.  You are right - accusations will not go over well.  I did write out a number of messages that were accusatory in tone, but I never sent them, even though they were all true.  I finally wrote a totally non-accusatory one, just one where I ask for honesty.  Also did not send, because I want to think about it (and think, and think) so I don't regret.

Anyway, my son got home safely, thank god, and I had a good, very good, talk with him.  One of the best talks we have ever had.  Last night he laid his cards on the table to her, how he feels, what he wants.  She apparently barely replied, made excuses. To meet her you would never believe such a seemingly nice person can be so callous, particularly considering his injury.

So, I guess I will hold off contacting her for now.  He is waiting to see if this time she changes, though apparently it has been like this from the beginning, so unlikely.

We are thinking of the possibility of moving closer to our son, but also don't want to leave our BPDdd21 in our very rural town that has few opportunities for young people.  She has applied to college close to our son and where our other daughter goes to school, so we are hoping maybe by next fall we can possibly look at moving... .  Doesn't help me right now though!

Thank you again for the response.  I appreciate being heard even though it is not BPD related. MM