Parenting time contempt of court

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Someone explain this if they can.  My ex wife has BPD traits but not diagnosed. Kids are 15 and 17.5. We go to court and the last 5 CMC sessions she has told the judge I am blocking her from seeing the kids.  I have given up my parenting days and told her in emails and text that she can see the kids any day she wishes.  I force the kids to go over to her house on her parenting days but she sends them home within 15 to 20 minutes.  She has a JPA that states the days she is to parent the kids but when I send them half the time she says to them "Oh I didn't know you were coming over today".  I don't get it.  Argues in front of the judge to have me held in contempt of court but then just sends them home.  It's like she wants them but once she gets them has no idea what to do.

[Anamika]

Someone explain this if they can.  My ex wife has BPD traits but not diagnosed. Kids are 15 and 17.5. We go to court and the last 5 CMC sessions she has told the judge I am blocking her from seeing the kids.  I have given up my parenting days and told her in emails and text that she can see the kids any day she wishes.  I force the kids to go over to her house on her parenting days but she sends them home within 15 to 20 minutes.  She has a JPA that states the days she is to parent the kids but when I send them half the time she says to them "Oh I didn't know you were coming over today".  I don't get it.  Argues in front of the judge to have me held in contempt of court but then just sends them home.  It's like she wants them but once she gets them has no idea what to do.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

It's like she wants them but once she gets them has no idea what to do.

I think you nailed it with this statement. She probably doesn't know what to do. Before our divorce was final, my ex (PD\NPD) would try to drop the kids off with me hours before the agreed upon time. He would just show up without any notice and then get mad at me when I wasn't home. Also, when he moved out per temporary orders, he didn't even try to see the kids until his attorney told him to months later. He also admitted to our divorce counselor that he was terrified of being a single parent. So that could be an explanation as well.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Anamika,

Do you think it's possible that she wants to show that she is a good parent in front of the court but in reality doesn't know how to do that when with the kids? Often a pwBPD has a need to show to others that they are the best, or the better parent, but you and the children are the ones who live out the reality. How are your children doing with this? Do they want to be around her?

 
Wools

[takingandsending]

How long have you been divorced? Sounds as if she still wants to bury the hatchet ... .in you, of course.

Each situation is unique, but beware of your easy going boundaries on parent time (i.e. "text that she can see the kids any day she wishes". People with personality disorder tend to distort good will gestures due to living in that feelings=facts world they live in. Also, why make your kids go to her house, except on her parent time?

Keep a record of all the times she sends them back to you early. Simply present the calendar to the court when she files her next contempt. Eventually, for you and your kids' sake, seek to amend the parenting plan to reflect the time that kids actually spend with you. It can't be easy on them to not want to go to mom's, be made to go, and then to be sent back to you after she has no idea of how or what to do with them.

[Anamika]

takingandsending
Divorced 3 years
I am the devil to her.  I can do nothing right and if I ask for anything it is an automatic no. 
I gave her my parenting days to counter her claim of "I never let her see the kids and I am the problem".  The kids have not stayed at her house for 2+ years.  Too many unknowns at her house for them to stay there.  They never know when she'll be home, if they will get dinner, who will come home with her. 
I have extensive documentation.  I can tell you that they girls saw her a total of 171 hours in 2017. 

Woolspinner2000
No the kids do not want to see her.  They never know which mood will be present or when it will change. 
It's weird the narrative in her head vs reality.  Nothing I do can be good.  For a week I was good in her mind last year but then it changed.  It was a good week.  
For example: She has called the sheriff on me 6 times to have me arrested for blocking her parenting days according to the JPA. 
Me "you've tried to have me arrested 6 times and the kids are upset about that." 
Her  "no I didn't. That never happened." 
Me "but you called the police and they came here"
Her "no then they would have arrested you"
Me "can you agree that you attempted to have me arrested?"
Her "no it didn't happen."
Even if I show her the paper! It didn't happen.  I am just baffled.  It's like she has to have this story in her head that she doesn't do anything and I do everything wrong. 
     

[ForeverDad]

Someone explain this if they can.  My ex wife has BPD traits but not diagnosed. Kids are 15 and 17.5. We go to court and the last 5 CMC sessions she has told the judge I am blocking her from seeing the kids.  I have given up my parenting days and told her in emails and text that she can see the kids any day she wishes... .  Argues in front of the judge to have me held in contempt of court but then just sends them home.  It's like she wants them but once she gets them has no idea what to do.

She feels emotionally compelled to paint you worse than her.  Of course she has no documentation.  Courts, however, generally view "he always... ." or "she always... ." as too vague and unsupported and class them as hearsay of little value.

What you should do is document what really happened in a log, diary or journal.  Details and specifics count in court.  Then next time in court you could present a calendar, perhaps with color highlights, as a visual aid with information extracted from your journal.

Also, you should remind the court that this is a pattern for her, is an undue expense to you and ask the court give her consequences.  Sadly, most courts don't want to put mother in jail or order money awarded from mother to father.  An idea expressed here is that any financial sanctions be put into the children's educational accounts.  That way the winner doesn't benefit, the children do.

[formflier]

  she still wants to bury the hatchet ... .in you, of course.

 

So... .I was perusing the boards and enjoyed a good laugh here.  Thanks!  Wasn't expecting that.

I think FD has the way forward with lots of documentation.  I would ask your L if there can be pushback if you can  prove her claims false.  Most likely not, but it's worth an ask.

My "big picture" view of this is she is inviting the court into a drama conflict with you.

Stay neutral and dispassionate, focus on facts.  Put her on the stand in court with an "help me understand" attitude with your facts and journals as proof. 

Should your L find a way to legally "smack her" over false claims, it would likely be helpful to do so.  Looking at ages of the kids there isn't much longer to go.

Have you considered using your facts and the fact you are "forcing" kids to go, to advocate for a change?

Is she adding value to kids lives?

FF

[scraps66]

Just an aside, stay away from Contempt Hearings.  Meaning, only file contempt charges as an absolute last resort.  It's where the really bad judges work and the outcomes can make things worse. This is my experience in a typically, maybe more than average, incompetent courthouse.  For me, probably $2k in contempt petition hearings and $500 worth of benefit.