How to make her express more confidently?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am in a romantic relationship for about two years and a half. At the beginning she was loving, devoted, etc. But when she has been stressed during her exams the relationship has become less than ideal. She knew that she has BPD. She informed me about it latter when she had her first depression event and she needed to go to a hospital.
During these events -- stressful ones and depression ones --, I had the feeling that we had lost something. She is now less confident. For instance, she had got the need to live away from me and her family. Now that she is independent, I can feel that she becomes more and more isolated from me and her family. She tried to commit adultery, she calls only when she wanted to talk and does not answer my texts and phone calls.
I have the feeling that she has the fear of abandon (because she want that we plan week-ends or holidays) even if she cannot admit it, but her need of independence is really stronger than her fear of abandon. So is it a problem of confidence?need of freedom? what should I do?

[AdrienBon]

I am in a romantic relationship for about two years and a half. At the beginning she was loving, devoted, etc. But when she has been stressed during her exams the relationship has become less than ideal. She knew that she has BPD. She informed me about it latter when she had her first depression event and she needed to go to a hospital.
During these events -- stressful ones and depression ones --, I had the feeling that we had lost something. She is now less confident. For instance, she had got the need to live away from me and her family. Now that she is independent, I can feel that she becomes more and more isolated from me and her family. She tried to commit adultery, she calls only when she wanted to talk and does not answer my texts and phone calls.
I have the feeling that she has the fear of abandon (because she want that we plan week-ends or holidays) even if she cannot admit it, but her need of independence is really stronger than her fear of abandon. So is it a problem of confidence?need of freedom? what should I do?

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[Tattered Heart]

Welcome

I"m sorry that you are experiencing some of the roller coaster behavior that comes from being a relationship with someone with BPD. It's hard to go through. THey have this intense fear of rejection and abandonment but then they push you away because they don't want to be overwhelmed by you. We call this push/pull behavior. It's often caused by a fear of engulfment, meaning they fear they will lose themselves.

When she pushes you away, how do you respond?

[AdrienBon]

Hi Tattered Heart,
I am happy to be a member of the BPD family :-). It is a real roller coaster relationship indeed. But there are more lows than highs. I have the impression that when she has got the control of the future: planning travel, vacation for us... .the fear of abandon disappears. But then she is affraid of being under control herself. She is doing the same with her family and her friends. So I do not feel it is a personnal problem/treatment. But I am her BF, so I expected more from her especially because I have invested a lot in our relationship -- as many codependents do.

When she pushes me away, I respond differently. At the begining of our relationship I tried to wait her text/call. When we lived together, I tried waiting she came back home but sometimes she came back so late that I called her. She cannot say "no" at her work.
Since november, we are living far from each other. First, I was doing the mirror treatment when she pushed me away: she texted me briefly, I texted her briefly; she did not call me, I did not call her (that was hard) and after made her feel that calling me just during her way back to home was not acceptable as well as sleeping during all the week-end when we had a week-end for us. But now, I try an other way: I am positive about everything. She has rejected me, I say her she can reject me that does not affect me; she is not in a good mood, she does not want to have sex, it is so and we can do other things. But I will always see and make her see the positive that I see during the week-end together. Following it, she says 'I am not the good one for you. I am depressed, I do not see the positive that you notice during the week end', 'I do not desire you as much as you desire me. I have no desire'. Is it a good way? I will see in the following days... .Do you have some advices to respond more positively for our relationship?

[Tattered Heart]

Negativity is something that many of us see in our partners. IT's hard for them to see things as good and bad at the same time because their thinking is often very black and white.

When she says something is bad and you try to give her an alternative view with something positive, I call this "fixing". You are trying to correct her thinking, which can be good to lighten the mood, but it's a type of walking on egg shells and can often be seen as being invalidating to someone with BPD. To make sure she feels like she is being heard, check out our workshop on Validation .

ONce you read through the workshop, come back here and practice some validation phrases that you could try.

[AdrienBon]

Tattered Heart, Thank you for your precious advices,

I had already read more than one month ago the workshop on validation. I have not think during this week-end that my "positive attitude" could be seen as invalidation of her feelings. I understand now better her response and the silent treatment for two days.

In this instance, I should like to say her now:
-Darling, I should like you to know that I want to help you.
-I have understood that you do not see the week end as positively as I did and as you said this is biased by the fact you see everything negatively by now, isn't it?
-I suppose that you are also feeling guilty not to see the things as positively as i did and this makes you feel that we are not done to be together.
-Maybe this could be due to the bad week-end we had had by my mother in november or other things you could have experiment in the past with someone else.
-You know many persons can also see things negatively sometimes and anticipate the influence of differences in their relationship. This could also happen to me.

Have I understood the tool of the workshop?