How do I stop her looking at my phone?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My uBPD GF is always going through my phone and no matter what is on there will always find something that I shouldn't have done/said etc.  She's taken pictures of messages I've sent and often when she's down she'll trawl back through these as a reason to blame me for how she is feeling.  I'm not sure if she also has some sort of spy software on my phone too as she often says she's seen my messages when I don't think she has had access to my phone.  My phone is password and finger print protected but she still seems to find a way of looking.  I'm pretty confident she doesn't know the password.

I hate it, feels like I have no freedom.

[Yaffle]

My uBPD GF is always going through my phone and no matter what is on there will always find something that I shouldn't have done/said etc.  She's taken pictures of messages I've sent and often when she's down she'll trawl back through these as a reason to blame me for how she is feeling.  I'm not sure if she also has some sort of spy software on my phone too as she often says she's seen my messages when I don't think she has had access to my phone.  My phone is password and finger print protected but she still seems to find a way of looking.  I'm pretty confident she doesn't know the password.

I hate it, feels like I have no freedom.

[Mutt]

Hi Yaffle,

Have you tried wiping the phone ( wiping all third party software in the process ) and changing the password to something that she can’t guess i.e., anniversary, birthdayetc.

Resettk g the phone to factory default might be a chore but it doesn’t allow her an opportunity to log in with spyware fir example if that is what she’s doing. She’s taking screenshots so  she’s in there somehow, I doubt that she’s getting around fingerprint access it’s more likely that she’s either looking at key strokes or she’s guessing your password.

A pwBPD have an innate fear of abandonment perceived or real my guess is that she’s looking for clues that you’ll leave her. You could try to depersonalize the behaviours, I’m not defending her for getting into your phone, i wouldn’t like it either, I’m saying become indifferent to the reasons why.

What is it that she says you shouldn’t be doing?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Yaffle, I have to chuckle because my BPDxW did the same thing w/my phone and laptop.  As Mutt suggests, it usually stems from their fear of abandonment.  You are an adult and have the right to use your phone or laptop as you see fit, without snooping or interference from your pwBPD.  To me this is a boundary issue (see Tools button, above).   I think everyone is entitled to their "bubble," or zone of privacy, to which others are prohibited from entering w/o permission.  I agree w/Mutt: take necessary precautions to safeguard your phone.  Maybe you could stop by your local phone store, or discuss with your cell service provider?  There has to be a way to keep your phone safe from this form of "wiretapping."

LJ

[crunchtime]

I've wondered how my own gf is doing it too. In my case I have an online account, but it's set to private. It isn't Facebook, but it's basically the same: it's like I have a private Facebook page, and somehow she finds access to it. When I confronted her and asked how the hell she was seeing these things I posted online when it's a private account and shouldn't show up on Google or anywhere else, she had no response except "It was online." She was shocked when I told her my account was private. I found that very concerning.

She went through my phone ONCE. Because I trusted her (stupidly), and gave it to her. She then proceeded to run like mad into the bathroom and locked herself in there and then made a huge scene in front of dozens of people after she came out, because she had found stuff on my phone that she didn't like.

I keep it on me all the time. Whenever I'm around her, I set the phone to automatically Lock every time I power it off. So I know if I put it down for a few minutes and go to get some water or food or anything else, if she tries to get into it, it will be locked. I have no idea how your partner is getting into your password protected phone but that is a huge violation of privacy. Similarly I have no idea how my gf is finding things I post online when it's a private account, and when I myself try to find them online, nothing comes up.

My solution is no way to live. It's a band-aid. You need to realize that. Feeling like you have no freedom is absolutely unacceptable. We're in a bind here. I would say simply keep your phone on you at all times when you're around her, and don't give her an opportunity to take it or look at it, but remember, that's still just a band-aid.

I've gotten a ton of sh** from my girlfriend for being "secretive" about my phone. Well guess what, it's called my right to privacy. She's even flipped on me for incidental things like forgetting my phone in the car. She took it as an offense, like I deliberately left it locked in my car so she wouldn't be able to get to it. When in reality I had simply forgotten it. If I angle my phone too far away from her, she accuses me of being "weird" and "secretive" about my phone, and feels a need to make a point of it.

If it were me, I'd confront her about it. She needs to understand that this is unacceptable behavior to you. Protecting your phone religiously is more of a band-aid in this situation, IMO. And I know because I'm living it. It is no way to live. Even if you manage to successfully hide your phone, is that any way to live? Having to hide? Having to worry that she's constantly trying to find new ways to pry and violate your privacy, that you then have to worry about taking further measures against?

No way to live. I would confront her about it straight up. Something like, "Why do you feel the need to go through my phone? Do you care that I feel like my privacy is being violated and that it's stressing me out every single day?"

Trust me, this is a nightmare. I have deleted multiple online accounts and have lost many friends as a result, simply in an effort to evade her violating my privacy. Even my business has suffered a lot. Deleted that online page too. I feel like nothing is sacred anymore and that I don't even have a right to have parts of my life that she isn't involved in. Again... .no way to live.

That's why something as simple as her going through your phone is such a big deal. If you don't draw the line in the sand here, and set a boundary, the sky is the limit. If it's acceptable for her to go through your phone at will, then it's also acceptable for her to put security cameras in your house and watch everything you do. I mean, why not? If she feels like she has the right to pry into one part of your privacy, why wouldn't she feel she has the right to pry into other parts?

I would even go so far as to say something like, "This whole going through my phone all the time thing has to stop. Now." IMO there needs to be a line drawn in the sand.

Like I said, my social life and even business has suffered because of my giving in to her prying. It is not OK and she needs to understand, somehow, some way, that it is not OK. You are living in fear. Is that how you want to live?

I'm asking myself the same question. It's tough to face this, but necessary.

[Yaffle]

I told her today that it's got to stop and it may do but she still goes back to the photos she's got off stuff on my phone whenever she feels bad. Doesnt matter how old it is and brings thay back up.  The worst time was when I fell asleep watching something ehilevon holiday and she found out I was thinking of getting out.  Alright on a day to day basis when you're suspicious  about something I can may be understand  it but ehen you're on holiday with the kids... .it made the rest of the holiday tough

[Mutt]

You’re not responsible for someone else’s feelings. Depersonalize her insecurities and fears, it’s something that she’s gowow through. crunch time has a good suggestion with kerosene no the phone with you at all times and locked.

You can’t control what someone else does you can only control your actions and reactions. You told her what you’re boundary is that you don’t want her to get into your phone change your habits and follows through with your boundary - I’m going to lock my phone at all times, carry it with me at all times and I won’t JADE ( Justify Argue Defend Explain ) if she throws up FOG. ( Fear Obligation Guilt )

[Husband321]

Conflicted on this... .even people without BPD would not like locked phones and secret codes. .

Growing up it would just be odd if my mom and dad had separate phone lines, and nobody could answer the other phone. 

If you are sharing bodily fluids with someone, I could see if they feel insecure with certain cell phone behaviors.  Why not just have it unlocked and just choose not to have anything on there that is secretive?

[formflier]

What is secretive to one person is private to another... .and might be fine for the front page for others.

The keys is that the person who owns the phone controls access.  Unlimited or none.

Everyone else gets to manage their own feelings.

I locked mine a couple years ago... .took several months for the dust to settle.  Now my wife rarely brings it up.

FF

[Husband321]

What is secretive to one person is private to another... .and might be fine for the front page for others.

The keys is that the person who owns the phone controls access.  Unlimited or none.

Everyone else gets to manage their own feelings.

I locked mine a couple years ago... .took several months for the dust to settle.  Now my wife rarely brings it up.

FF

What do you have on your phone you wouldn't want your wife to see?  Honest question. Just curious.

It would be easy to drive anyone crazy these days with cell phones.  Locks.  Sleeping with it. Always having it face down. Sometimes passcode. Sometimes not... notifications off.  Seems easier to just be open.

I grew up in a home with one rotary phone. So like I said. Would be odd if my mom and dad had their own line and it was forbidden for one to answer the others phone.

[formflier]

 
So, with my phone there is access to google drive, which has access to my medical records.  It's not that I don't want my wife to see them, but I don't want my wife to distribute them against my wishes.

I also use email to communicate with people I get work from or am trying to set up new business with. 

She emailed some of them , pretending to be me, and blew up some business opportunities.

Also accused some people of "wanting" me or "keeping in too close of touch" or something like that.  Again, from my email.

I used to think like you did... .just be open.  I had to change my thinking, based on my partners actions.

Boundaries... .

FF

[formflier]

Oh... .I also keep applications on there for my harem.

And the contact information for the hundreds of women that I have bedded.

And the marriage records for my second marriage (you guys didn't know I was a polygamist)... .got married to another woman in my pole barn, while my wife was up at the house.

Also, pictures of my out of wedlock baby... .

You know... nothing much... .

Let's just say that paranoid people don't do well with openness.  I can't explain it, but I know it to be true.

FF

[Husband321]

So, with my phone there is access to google drive, which has access to my medical records.  It's not that I don't want my wife to see them, but I don't want my wife to distribute them against my wishes.

I also use email to communicate with people I get work from or am trying to set up new business with. 

She emailed some of them , pretending to be me, and blew up some business opportunities.

Also accused some people of "wanting" me or "keeping in too close of touch" or something like that.  Again, from my email.

I used to think like you did... .just be open.  I had to change my thinking, based on my partners actions.

Boundaries... .

FF

Ah ok.  I understand.  I was looking at it from the point of view of being in a healthy relationship.

I did have to lock my phone also as if my wife would get upset she would delete things or the entire phone itself.

[Yaffle]

There's nothing on my phone that I'm embarrassed or guilty about but she will always read something into things and twist it to use against me.

[Lucky Jim]

There's nothing on my phone that I'm embarrassed or guilty about but she will always read something into things and twist it to use against me.

The point is not that you have done anything embarrassing, but that she is trampling on your boundaries by snooping on your phone.  It's up to you to take steps to keep your gadgets secure.

LuckyJim

[doctorRod]

Only use the passcode. Dont use the fingerprint because your girlfriend can wait until you fall asleep and unlock your phone by holding it up to your finger while you are asleep.

Best of luck

[Mutt]

There's nothing on my phone that I'm embarrassed or guilty about but she will always read something into things and twist it to use against me.

If I left my house door open after having left my house does that mean it’s an invitation for someone to enter my house without my permission?

[Tired_Dad]

Conflicted on this... .even people without BPD would not like locked phones and secret codes. .

Growing up it would just be odd if my mom and dad had separate phone lines, and nobody could answer the other phone. 

If you are sharing bodily fluids with someone, I could see if they feel insecure with certain cell phone behaviors.  Why not just have it unlocked and just choose not to have anything on there that is secretive?

To me there is no conflict. I am "forced" to keep my phone on silent as every alert, beep, vibration, light from my phone for whatever reason is for her a potential point of infidelity. At one time I never locked my phone or secured it in any way and then she dug in and found ways to twist what was there and I then needed to establish a boundary that it would be locked from then on.

Be aware, their insecurity will never end. It is up to you to maintain your boundaries and the level of privacy that you need to function. In my experience they will always snoop and dig and then take the little fragments that they find and weave a giant tapestry of conspiracies out of it.

Decide for yourself if this is how you want to live your life as she will not stop ever unless you put in safeguards to protect your data.

It is not about if it is like the "good old days" of mom and dad sharing a phone on the wall. Smart phones are way more sensitive than that, and when it comes down to it for most settings answering the phone doesn't require a password.

[Yaffle]

She'll always find something she doesn't like.  On the weekend we took the kids to an indoor climbing centre and had a nice time.  I put some photos on face book. A female friend commented about going indoor caving with them next. A few posts later  another friend commented about getting a cave;female friend commented who; the answer was both. Gf took that as I'd had obviously had an affair with female friend and other friend knew about it

[Mutt]

Gf took that as I'd had obviously had an affair with female friend and other friend knew about it

It catastrophizing, a pwBPD have extreme thinking. There’s no in-between.

[Yaffle]

She's just had a go at me for liking a message I sent her earlier.  Did it accidently while looking for a shopping list she had sent me. 

[pearlsw]

Wow. I feel like I have found my tribe here in this discussion, only my computer is more an issue than my emergency cell phone. He's also threatened me with security cameras and I am pretty much in fear of all spying devices out there. I need to have privacy because otherwise I could not use this site. I never thought twice about privacy until I had mine invaded. In my opinion, because anything you say and do can later be twisted up and used against you, no matter how innocent, I guard my privacy dearly. He doesn't get to take it no matter how many fits he throws about it. It is not easy, but I stay firm.

[PeteWitsend]

I repeat the same comments others have made: lock your phone using a passcode only you know.

I did this after wife went through my phone on various occassions and started screaming about absurd things, like that I didn't send enough pictures of her to my mom, or my brother didn't include her in a text message between some other family members.

your pwBPD will be upset by this, and they will make a big deal about it, but they'll get over it.  it's better to deal with it once, than live in dread of constant blowups over who texted you and/or why.  if they wanted openess and trust, they shouldn't have behaved how they did.  if they can't control it, so what?  do what you need to do.

that brings me to my last bit of advice: go to "settings" and turn off notifications that allow someone to see who's calling, incoming text content, etc.

99.9999% of the time when I'm home my phone is on silent, with no incoming notifications except incoming calls. 

It's unfortunate, but it has to be done.  If you don't like it, take it as a good learning experience if you ever get a do-over.

[AskingWhy]

You’re not responsible for someone else’s feelings. Depersonalize her insecurities and fears, it’s something that she’s gowow through. crunch time has a good suggestion with kerosene no the phone with you at all times and locked.

You can’t control what someone else does you can only control your actions and reactions. You told her what you’re boundary is that you don’t want her to get into your phone change your habits and follows through with your boundary - I’m going to lock my phone at all times, carry it with me at all times and I won’t JADE ( Justify Argue Defend Explain ) if she throws up FOG. ( Fear Obligation Guilt )

I agree with this.  Looking at someone's phone without their consent in an invasion of privacy.  People with PDs don't understand boundaries.  One of my husband's uBP daughters snooped in her boyfriend's belongings... .and was promptly shown the door.

Password your phone to protect your privacy.

[formflier]

Many times, even with a "lock" you can see the first couple words of a text or at least who it is from.  It took some doing on my phone to figure out how to change the settings.

FF

[Husband321]

I repeat the same comments others have made: lock your phone using a passcode only you know.

I did this after wife went through my phone on various occassions and started screaming about absurd things, like that I didn't send enough pictures of her to my mom, or my brother didn't include her in a text message between some other family members.

your pwBPD will be upset by this, and they will make a big deal about it, but they'll get over it.  it's better to deal with it once, than live in dread of constant blowups over who texted you and/or why.  if they wanted openess and trust, they shouldn't have behaved how they did.  if they can't control it, so what?  do what you need to do.

that brings me to my last bit of advice: go to "settings" and turn off notifications that allow someone to see who's calling, incoming text content, etc.

99.9999% of the time when I'm home my phone is on silent, with no incoming notifications except incoming calls.  

It's unfortunate, but it has to be done.  If you don't like it, take it as a good learning experience if you ever get a do-over.

That's why these relationships are dysfunctional and so tough.

The above behavior (secret codes, turn off notifications, phone on silent, take phone everywhere, have phone face down) from your spouse or SO are also the major signs of cheating. In a way it is being emotionally abusive to your spouse to have them live like this.

I see both sides.   But it just might be easier to break up then. And find someone with whom you don't have to act this way with.  

And many non disordered women would also have an issue with the above behavior

I really can't imagine having a locked phone with this woman forever is a good long term plan, where she will simply forget your phone is locked with notifications off

[formflier]

 
Just because these things are used by some people to cheat, doesn't mean that in an of themselves... they "mean" anything.

I know people that aren't in relationships that are private with their phone and I've worked for employers that demand even higher levels of control of devices.

Really... .it means that a person is private about their communications.  That's the start of the meaning and the end.

FF

[PeteWitsend]

... .

And many non disordered women would also have an issue with the above behavior

... .

You know what?  non-disordered women also wouldn't get access to your phone on a pretext and then start screaming at you in front of your kids because you haven't sent a picture of your wife to your mom in a week and a half. 

locking your phone is the only answer, really. 

for sure it's not ideal, but being ambushed and dragged at random because someone of the opposite gender "liked" a picture of yours, or you texted your mom, or your brother, or friend and this triggers some twisted reasoning from your partner about how it shows your don't love them enough... .*deep breath*  That's not ideal either! 

block them and tell them to deal.  remind them why you did it, loudly and often.

[ozmatoz]

Oh man, I’m not even “allowed” to have my phone in my hands while I’m in the house. No kidding. Whether I take it out to answer a work email or heck even text one of our kids for two minutes I get verbally attacked. “You’re always on your phone” “glad that thing is more important than your family!”  I too have to put it on do not disturb before I walk through the door.

I made the mistake last summer handing it over just to show her there was nothing on it... .and yup wouldn’t you know... ”you text your mom too much” “I can’t belive you text that sh-t to the guys... .blah blah blah”. Never again.

Now it’s locked down and always with me. She complains and wants to see it, I say sure let’s trade, hand yours over... .that is quickly met with “you have no rights to my phone, F-U!”

It’s exhausting trying to keep up security at this level. And yeah I had to block my own spouse in social media... .what a way to live.

[Yaffle]

Blimey, so many of you going through the same thing. I really do hate it.  Not sure if I mentioned it earlier but I'm pretty sure she had some sort of software on her last phone; she had screen shots of loads of my messages,some of which I had deleted as soon as I sent them so I don't see how she could have got them otherwise and she always knew where I was.  It was/is horrible.  Felt like being in prison to me.  No privacy at all.  Every light flashing on my phone is an innspropriate text from someone.

[Husband321]

Every situation is unique.   I think it also depends if this person is a wife, live in gf, or just a gf.

In my case I had to start locking my phone because my wife would get mad and start deleting things from my phone.

However, every time she saw my "locked phone" it would trigger anger in her.  So that wasn't the best answer either.  It became a no win.  I could deal with her going through my phone and looking for things and complaining, but I couldn't trust she wouldn't delete things.

I do know, if I remarry, neither of us would ever have a locked phone , just like millions of stable couples. If you can't know your spouses code because they don't trust you, it is a major problem that just doesn't go away. 

In reverse, I wouldn't want to come home to a house where my wife has a secret life on her phone.  Just a gf then who cares.