I Am Totally Shutting Down

[toomanydogs]

I don't know how much more of this I can handle.

I just got my latest legal bill, and it is now $3000. I could sell H's car for maybe $2000, my car for $20,000? my Jeep for $5000? Of all of those, I suspect selling my own car for $20,000 makes the most sense, but then I don't have a vehicle, and it's already paid for, and it has a 5-year extended warranty.

The stress of this feels like it's killing me. I have Social Security coming in on the 25th of this month--not enough to pay my legal fees. I have animals to feed.

I realized that I haven't received money since the end of October. Add to that lack of money the fact that I've had to pay out $8000 in legal fees already.

I am so stressed that looking for work (and I'm already 65 as it is) seems impossible. I don't have family that I can borrow that kind of money.

And what is so effing frustrating is that my divorce settlement is likely to be $1M or higher.

I know my FIL is trying to weaken me as much as he can, so I will jump at any offer he makes.

Okay. Didn't want to do it, but I will have an estate sale this weekend and sell my H's crap first.

TMD

[ForeverDad]

What happened to the suggestion that you (1) try to get your lawyer to take fees from the eventual financial settlement?  Or (2) get court to order H to pay your fees up front?  Or, middle ground, (3) get court to order H to pay your fees up front with them deducted from your eventual financial settlement?

In my divorce, a nearly two year case, I heard my lawyer say that is how her lawyer did it.  I know also because when she offered to let me keep the house's marital equity in exchange for letting her be Residential Parent, her lawyer promptly ushered her outside and her request was thereafter withdrawn.  Her lawyer knew that was how he would get paid.

Also it would probably be best not to share with him anything in writing that you sold any of his 'crap'.  You don't want to enable him to make a stink in court about you selling anything that he left behind.  In other words, don't let another claim be added to the BC he's already made.

[toomanydogs]

What happened to the suggestion that you (1) try to get your lawyer to take fees from the eventual financial settlement?  Or (2) get court to order H to pay your fees up front?  Or, middle ground, (3) get court to order H to pay your fees up front with them deducted from your eventual financial settlement?

I emailed my attorney yesterday when I received the bill (and when I'd calmed down), letting L know that I can't pay the $3000 and that I was having an estate sale this weekend and selling everything he left behind. We are a community property state, so technically I'm doing nothing illegal, but I wanted L to know my intentions.
I suggested in the email that H reimburse me for my $10,000 legal fees, and I said I'd proceed with advertising the estate sale on Wednesday (Feb 7) if I hadn't heard anything.
I also let L know I was selling H's car.
The law firm does not take fees from the settlement. My L filed with the courts for emergency support, but I don't have a court date yet. When we do have a court date, I'll ask L to request legal fees then.

Also it would probably be best not to share with him anything in writing that you sold any of his 'crap'.  You don't want to enable him to make a stink in court about you selling anything that he left behind.  In other words, don't let another claim be added to the BC he's already made.

I let my L know (I'm NC with H) what I was doing just so there wouldn't be any surprises and to make sure I didn't do anything that would end up biting me in the butt at a later date.
Cheers,
TMD

[ForeverDad]

Is H's car (I presume the one he drove) titled in your name?  Any name other than your own could be a problem getting the title transferred to the buyer.

[toomanydogs]

Is H's car (I presume the one he drove) titled in your name?  Any name other than your own could be a problem getting the title transferred to the buyer.

The cars are titled under H's name OR my name.
TMD

[flourdust]

My L filed with the courts for emergency support, but I don't have a court date yet.

This is where I suggest you lean on your L. Call/email and pester about him pestering the court's clerk to get a date ASAP.

[toomanydogs]

UPDATE.
I am really happy with my lawyer. After I emailed, L got back to me to advise against selling car or having an estate sale.
L will let H's Lawyer know that we were prepared to make an offer but L can't do that before receiving payment.
TMD

[ForeverDad]

Don't sell yourself short.  A generous offer you may consider too good for him to refuse has a risk of him thinking he could hold out for more and more.  In other words, beware of feeding his obstinacy.  However, if his lawyers are experienced and know a reasonable offer when they see one, they may get him to agree.  But expect him to counter for something extra just so he will feel he won.  So don't give your best and last offer first.

[formflier]

TMD,

   

Have you been open with your lawyer about your financial situation?  I would hope an arrangement can be made so that you can pay what you can (and still live) right now and then he gets the rest when the emergency order goes through.

I'm at a loss about the emergency order thing.  Does your lawyer say this is normal... .?

FF

[toomanydogs]

TMD,

   

Have you been open with your lawyer about your financial situation?  I would hope an arrangement can be made so that you can pay what you can (and still live) right now and then he gets the rest when the emergency order goes through.

I'm at a loss about the emergency order thing.  Does your lawyer say this is normal... .?

FF

 Hey FF,
  Right back at ya.

What happened when I got the bill for the $3000 is I emailed and said I cannot pay the bill and that living with no money coming in is simply too stressful. I then suggested that I have an estate sale and sell of everything of my STBX, including his car. She got back to me and said it was a bad idea at this point, and let's see if we could get $$.

The next day, she emailed me that she'd reached STBX lawyer and told him that we had just been in the process of putting together an offer, but she couldn't work without money. (Evidently the other lawyer is having some difficulty getting paid, as well.) He told her he was meeting with either my STBX or FIL on Friday and they'd discuss getting my lawyer paid, so I should know something fairly soon. Also, what I have been told is that the courts out here are quite backed up, and my definition of an emergency is not the courts.


ForeverDad, I have been advised by a financial planner on what I should be requesting financially. There have been a few areas that have been difficult for me. 1) There is a huge income disparity between STBX and me. He has much much more money than I do. I have always been uncomfortable with that. 2) I have a prenup. 3) I keep figuring what I used to live on before I met STBX, so asking for what I've been advised to ask for has been emotionally challenging. BUT I DID IT. I expect STBX will counter offer, and I will counter offer. I know what I can live on (thanks to the financial adviser), and I now know what kind of negotiator my FIL is.

I am so hoping this all wraps up by Spring.
TMD

[formflier]

What are the terms of the prenup?

Does the prenup say who pays for lawyer?  I would hope there is something in there that said if STBX filed that the filing would be accompanied by an initial retainer amount for your lawyer... .or something like that.

Does you L think the prenup is valid or has it be "broken"?

Does the presence of a prenup seem to be helping or hurting your strategy?

FF

[toomanydogs]

What are the terms of the prenup?

Does the prenup say who pays for lawyer? 

Does you L think the prenup is valid or has it be "broken"?

Does the presence of a prenup seem to be helping or hurting your strategy?

FF

Hey FF,
  Sorry it took a while to get back to you. I've been down with the flu.
  The prenup has a scheduled payout for how long I've been married and does not specify who pays for lawyer. L discussed the option of breaking the prenup when we first met with the decision being that it was best to take a wait and see approach. There has been no communication. H's lawyer wanted me to make the first offer (which is a delicate balance. Ask for too much--other side could close down; ask for too little--I've messed up my financial future.)
  However, I did put together a first offer, which I forwarded to my L. This was when I ended up owing the law firm money I had no way of paying. L then got in touch with opposing counsel and explained the need to be paid, so L has asked for the law firm to be paid. Opposing counsel was supposed to meet with STBX on Friday regarding the issue. I expect to hear something by Monday.
  According to my L, the state where I live does not like the type of prenup I signed because it spells out specifically what I'd get in the event of a divorce. The courts like the discretion to determine what's fair, and what's fair, at least from my perspective, is whether I'm entitled to maintain my standard of living. There is enough money for that.
  My hope--and it's only a hope--is that STBX's side sees the wisdom of avoiding court and getting the thing taken care of. The problem I have is that no one on STBX's side, the L excepted as I know nothing about the person, has much regard for the truth or compassion or following through on promises they've made.
  This week has been difficult, and the flu didn't help. Has your dog situation resolved?
TMD
  Here'

[formflier]

Why make an offer at all then?

Why not abide by the terms of the prenup?

Can you tell us more about those terms?  Would you be ok with the prenup being followed?

Perhaps there is something missing that I'm not getting.  Either a prenup is legal or it is not.  I do understand that courts have "flavor" and "discretion" and all that, but if both sides have signing a contract/agreement and neither side wants to break it... .that seems simple.

What am I missing?

FF

[toomanydogs]

FF,
  I'm going to PM you. It's a little complicated.
TMD