exhausted

[bluek9]

Today I need to share my weariness. This week I had to change my work hours so that I can get my grandson on the bus in the morning. I can no longer trust his mother (my daughter) to do it. I'm finding that I need to accept my personal limits for just how much I can do. Working 35-40 hours a week is normal for most people, I've done it all my life. That's not the issue. It's all the extras! Raising my 6 yr old grandson, taking care of all his needs and medications, managing my daughters needs and medications and doctors. We live in a very small coastal town so all specialist, psychiatrits are a 2 hour drive away. Plus all the house hold duties, laundry, shopping, cooking. Sadly all this makes me tired and then I get crabby and don't keep my emotions in check. I am looking for a house keeper, the process is slow. My family members don't understand. My mom keeps telling me be firm just tell her you need her to the dishes or help with the laundry. I can't deal with the melt downs that ensue from her whenever she thinks there is an expectation put upon her. Her first reaction every time to start putting herself down because she is not good enough to keep up or she is not a strong enough person. What cause me frustration is the fact that she is not capable of having any empathy for me when I'm running myself ragged trying to keep up with all the demads of her and everyday life. Sorry that sounds really selfish on my part to expect empathy from her, I know she ill but the concept of her having no understaning what that illness does to me is highly frustrating. Thanks for listening and reading and responding

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi bluek9,

Being a BPD caretaker can be very exhausting. It's a positive sign that you are looking for a housekeeper to help carry the load, so that you aren't burdened with so much.

A two-hour drive to a psychiatrist is a long way to go for support  How often does your daughter go?

Family members often don't understand BPD. It's one of the most confusing conditions because there are periods of relative calm and normalcy, and no evidence sign of disability despite the inner struggles to regulate emotion.

I'm glad you're posting here. Having support from people who understand can put a puff of wind in your sails, even if we can't help with some of the other burdens you're dealing with. Does your daughter and grandson live with you?

A few months ago I attended a Family Connections workshop, and there were quite a few grandparents taking care of grandchildren, and trying to manage many of the same things you mention.

And it doesn't sound selfish at all to desire empathy -- it's human to want this. You mention the many things you do to care for others. Is there anything you are doing to take care of yourself? I used to get irritated when people would say that to me, because I wanted everything to get easier, not just one tiny thing. Sometimes, tho, doing that one tiny thing can make everything else a bit more bearable. It's a way to have empathy for yourself when others aren't able to provide it themselves.

You deserve it.

 

[incadove]

Hi bluek9

I so admire what you are doing in dedicating yourself to taking care of your grandson, that may mean the world to him now and in the future.  It is exhausting to be always the responsible one and not have support!

I wonder if your daughter's therapist could help in setting small achievable goals for your daughter that she could handle, in helping out, that could become small successes for her.  If she does feel badly for not doing more, maybe if she thinks she can do it and gets reinforcement for small steps she will try a bit.  But I understand it is more exhausting to try to deal with her reactions than just do it yourself!

Like livednlearned says, it is very human to need empathy, and it can help to at least give it to yourself.  Finding something to take care of yourself, getting respite care for a break, not only you deserve this but also it helps you sustain the energy you need to care for others.  Its very necessary.

Is there any agency that you can turn to to give you respite care so you can take a break?

[bluek9]

Hi to Livenlearned and Incadove, thank you both so much for the replies to my post. This is all still new to me but, the boost to my moral from this sight is a God send. Just the knowledge that another person can relate to my feelings and experiences takes such a load off my mind. I mean of course how sad to think that we have to come here to this forum to find each other out of pain, but what a joy to know the support is here. To answer some questions: Yes e live in a very small coastal town in Oregon, and all specialists and Dr. are that far away. I was just glad to finally find a psychiatrist who would be empathetic and listen to her. Right now we are working on getting medications straightened out. My daughter doesn't sleep at night due to PTSD and past trauma. She sleeps during the day while I'm at work and my grandson is in school. I can understand the not sleeping, I don't sleep well either for the same issues but somebody has to manage the rest of daily living. That's were the housekeeper comes in. I'm 58 work full time I'd like to think I can keep up, the reality is I know my self limits. Raising and managing my grandson, his special needs(ADHD-autism) , school, laundry, cooking the meals, cleaning and then all my daughters needs -- it adds up to more than I can do! I'm a very patient person but I find that when she says she will do the dishes and three days later they still sitting there; my frustration level goes up. The housekeeper is for my sanity and it helps me deal with my daughter. Those kinds of situations always end up in a major meltdown. When I do bring up the dishes she automatically goes to her self pity and self destruction. Example she says "well I can't be perfect like you, I can't take the pressure of time limits, I'm just worthless". When she does actually do something to help around the house she needs endless praise about it for days, otherwise she gets hurt all over again.
     Yes we all live together it's the best way for me to care for them, se can't afford to live on her own, her income is SSI. If this all sounds overwhelming you're right it is. I do manage to find those tiny spots of something for myself. I read and tune out the noise, I cook because it makes me happy and I get to teach my grandson. I come here for support. Any other questions, suggestions I'm open to that and eager to hear to what's working for someone else. Thanks beyond measure bluek9
   

[incadove]

bluek9 do you like music or any art/creative thing?  Playing or singing music for me is the quickest emotional relief, I find it the most powerful thing.   It seems to me like art, poetry, music, any kind of creative expression provides real emotional relief.  And you don't have to be good at it!

Cooking is creative too!  And it gives you dinner.  I just admire your inner strength and determination so much, to keep on and do what needs to be done.  I hope at some point or at some level your dd and your grandson understand. 

[Merlot]

hi bluek9

I can totally relate to your post.  I spent a large part of 2017 supporting my DD27 emotionally, physically and financially, following the breakup of her relationship and entering into motherhood (as livednlearned suggests... .a period of relative normalcy and calm).  With full-time work and supporting her, I was beyond exhausted.  Following a volatile rage, we have been cut off from her and my GD1.

Through this site and also the psychologist, I am learning that I gave too much, as she didn't appreciate the personal sacrifice that my husband and I made. I'm still coming to terms with how this can be... .after all we have done for her. 

I'm working through issues but I am grateful that I have some space to be able to consider clearer boundaries moving forward.  I feel for you, but I like your idea of a house keeper.  Maybe there are some other small wins to be had.  Have you thought about an incentive for her ( I don't know what that would be ) if she takes some responsibility... Just an idea.  Take care