BPD teenage daughter

[forever@aday]

Hello... .I have a 16 year old daughter who has recently been diagnosed with BPD.  In February of 2017, she spent the weekend with her two new friends.  She'd recently enrolled in a new school.  She desperately wanted to find her place, to fit in, and to make friends.  She was in band, cross country, and drama.  Anyway, as I was saying, she had spent the weekend with these two new friends.  The next day, while at work, my husband showed up followed by a DHS investigator and a county investigator.  My daughter had told her friends that her dad had been sexually abusing her.  An investigation ensued.  My daughter had been self-harming, we were unaware.  She was admitted to an inpatient facility.  While there, she recanted her allegations.  DHS claimed that most victims of abuse recant so the investigation continued.  Eventually, DHS substantiated her allegations and my husband is ordered to stay out of the home.  This is much like the parable of the elephant and the blind men.  No one has the entire story.  Over the course of a year and a half, I've really gotten to know my daughter.  I've discovered things that don't seem real.  She has admitted to me that this has been her masterplan all along.  She used to keep journals and write lies in them and then leave them lying out for her friends to find.  These lies would be outrageous.  For instance, she wrote that she was a heroin addict and her best friend's brother walked in on her while she was shooting up.  She claimed that she had an affair with a boy we hadn't seen in over 4 years.  She told me that I was easy to manipulate but her dad was smarter and more difficult to manipulate.  She hated her dad and resented that he had power and authority.  She made allegations against her best friend of 8 years claiming that while she pretended to sleep, this friend raped her.  It goes on and on.  My husband has been ostracized and my younger daughter hasn't seen him in over a year.  Meanwhile, my BPD daughter seems to be devolving.  She shoplifts, gives herself tattoos, shaved her head while I was asleep, has made and lost many friends, has become promiscuous and is experimenting with drugs, pot that I know of.  I try to set boundaries, to remain calm when she is in the midst of a melt down, and to give her support while at the same time trying to enforce rules and boundaries.  I feel like we are on a sinking ship.  Her outburts have become less with new medications, but she is on a dangerous path.  I feel like I'm watching a movie and I know what the end will be but I'm powerless to stop it.  I love my daughter, but she is a complete stanger to me now.  She's not the same girl I knew before February.  I feel hopeless and lost.  I've lost a husband, my job, I'm losing my home and I feel like I've lost my girl.  Sometimes I see glimpses of the girl she was before this all transpired, but they are becoming less frequent. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ForeverDevoted]

Dear forever@aday, thank you for being so honest in what is an unbelievably difficult situation!  I wish I had a solution for you but unfortunately I'm beginning to believe that there isn't one. My 15 year old daughter has just been diagnosed with BPD and is refusing treatment, life is like a turbulent roller coaster!
Keep yourself well, talk to whoever will listen and remember there is nothing you can do and your daughter is probably doing the best that she can. 
Take care x

[Merlot]

Hi forever@aday

Welcome to the bpdfamily.   Parents here will also welcome you with open arms as we all share the BPD journey and I want you to know you are not alone.

I really feel for what are going through and totally understand your feeling of hopelessness    as I have a DD27 from whom I have been cut off, and my baby granddaughter.  Every day is difficult, it's tough enough raising children, let alone our children who have been diagnosed with BPD... .we have always loved them and wanted the best for them.  All of what you state below is so indicative of the disorder and the desperate pain that accompanies.   No doubt she is also in the throws of teenage challenges... .a double whammy, no wonder you feel so powerless and in your shoes, I would feel the same.

I'm sad to hear that she came between you and your husband.  You really have been in the eye of the tornado!.  However, some positives... .it sounds like you have  been able to do some learning in relation to boundary setting .  Remaining calm... .wow... .well done, I have been struggling with that one myself and it is no mean feat.

I think it is true, that our children are not as we knew them... .or wanted for them, however there is hope in understanding the way that we can respond, maybe not today or tomorrow but step by step. 

I am learning as much as I can from parents and the information on the board  It's grounding me and giving me hope for a better future and relationship.  Look after yourself as much as you can... .

Keep coming here and sharing your journey with us.

Merlot