For background on some things my wife has done reference -
www.talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/403889-am-i-out-options.html.
I apologize beforehand for not being more involved in this community like I would have liked to. I haven't had the opportunity to. The reason I have time to write a thread is because I now feel as broken down as I possibly can and a big part of me wants to separate and find happiness again.
I can only imagine how many times someone has heard this: I can't take it anymore. I've never felt so depressed in my life and never expected to. It pains me to say it. I want out. I've tried to be a reasonable husband and father. I consider separating and think about it whenever my wife makes me upset. In other words every day.
I need to know if what I'm feeling is reasonable. I also need to know if there's anyway to go about this.
My wife recently mentioned she wanted a third child. (We have a 5 month old together and a 6 year old who is my stepdaughter. But of course I see her as my own.) I love my children. After she gave birth 5 months ago we both agreed happily right after that 2 was enough.
She's changed her mind of course. She wants a third and she wants it now or never. There's several reasons why.
1.) Shes starting a career in photography. I recently bought her her first professional camera. She claims that she wants a third now because she, strongly, does not want to put it on hold.
For instance she says she can start making money with pictures right now. If we have a third, shell have to put everything on hold. She doesn't want to do that. (P.s. she's not able to start now regardless because of our 5 month old and she doesn't want a babysitter or daycare).
2.) She doesn't want to wait too long because having another baby around age 25 is too late for her. She wants them early so she can have more freedom as she's older.
3.) She wants to visit another country soon after we're done having kids. But she doesn't want to wait too long or else it's too late. (In 22, she's 21)
4.) She wants to start working out *after* having children to maintain her body. She will not work out now because she doesn't want to "just stop" after becoming pregnant.
5.) Her hair is falling out. She doesn't want it to grow back just to have it potentially fall out again after getting pregnant.
6.) She wants to get anxiety treatment; but not if she's about to get pregnant. She doesn't want to "just stop" taking medication. So she'd rather seek treatment after a third.
I've told her for months that I would be happy with just our 2 daughters, or a third. I'm happy no matter what.
There's only one issue for me. Yes you all have guessed it. Finance.
We are okay financially. Except recently with just a bit of debt in medical bills. But because I mention that we are okay financially, she thinks that means we are okay financially in bringing in another child into the family.
I am the sole provider for our family and we rent out a very affordable 3 story house. I've been great in budgeting since I joined the military at 18.
This doesn't mean that I'm okay with being irresponsible with finances such as gaining debt in medical bills and potentially damaging our credit (not necessarily due to the bills).
I drew out our finances for my wife and threw in having a third. Our finances went negative.
She still says "I don't agree with it". It being, my reason for not being financially ready for a third.
She recently talked with her parents who understand both of our point of views and they're happy I think this way. (Wanting a hefty savings account, being prepared, good standing credit, etc). Her parents also mentioned helping with medical bills essentially paying off everything.
My wife expected me to be all for it. With as much respect as I could muster, I was grateful but genuinely would not want anyone paying for things that I am responsible for.
I explained to my wife that I watched my parents work harder than anyone I know of growing up. They did it all on their own from scratch. I gain my values of being responsible and being my own man from watching them.
Because of all of this, my wife has said a few things that hurt. Example, "F*** you. I'm glad I'm never having kids with you again." *Slams the door to go shower*. I wasn't able to sleep until 1am that night.
Another, "I'm getting my tubes tied because I never want to have kids with you again."
I seek a public audience for an honest impression of my actions and reasons. Am I in the wrong here at all? Am I truly oblivious to my wrong doings?
We're closing in on 2 years of marriage. I'm beginning to lose many feelings for my wife because she's damaged me every single day, give or take a few days in between of no belittling, arguing, angry at me, etc, and it's beginning to settle in.
I think about separation a lot. I know it would be the best option for everyone involved currently. But right now I feel it is impossible to shake my feelings of fear, sadness, and thinking that separation is wrong and I would not have the strength to go through with it.
Are there any other options?
