Dealing with my DH's ex. Step-parenting my abandoned SS

[wirrimai]

Hello Everyone,

I am so glad that there is a forum like this.  My husband has a 14 year old son with his Ex.  She shows classic symptoms of BPD and it has made co-parenting with her difficult.  :)H started off with no rights as they weren't married, but then went to court for joint custody.  Joint custody wasn't great but for the most part she was okay as long as she wasn't asked to do much for my SS.  In the span of 10 years, she went from being a complete control freak with my SS to being completely hands off and finally giving up custody of my SS. Right now, she hasn't had any significant contact with my SS since October 2017.  She sees my SS as a traitor because he chose to live with us, and also has been very vocal about the chaos and dysfunction in her home.  She called my son a traitor after finding a recording on his phone of her arguing with her boyfriend.  My SS recorded them because he wanted evidence to prove that he wasn't lying about all the things that were going on in her home.  She would gaslight a lot and tell people that my SS was lying about the domestic violence and abuse taking place in the home. So my SS14 still wants to see his mother and his little brother (her other son) but she has told him that she is not ready to have him live with her again, because of what "he did". She has also managed to get her entire family to believe that my SS is a liar and a traitor so they have all cut off communication with my SS as well.  They usually make a big deal for Xmas and his birthday but this past December, they didn't call or buy him any gifts.  He was heartbroken.  

I just want to know how to support my SS during this time.  How do you deal with a situation like this?  What do I say to my SS?  Any tips would be great.  

[ForeverDad]

Of course his mother is trying to make him feel guilty for "rejecting" her and documenting her poor behaviors.  Sadly, it is what it is.  She's displaying no indication of better behavior, generally recovery from BPD requires intensive therapy (DBT is one of the best) over a very long period of time and diligently applied in life, thinking, perceptions and behaviors.  So the practical approach is to deal with her as she is, a very difficult person, easily triggered and emotionally overwhelmed and inconsistent.  It's been remarked that people with BPD (pwBPD)will often parentalize the children, other times try to control the children as though extensions of themselves.  In short, a chaotic life for the pwBPD and also all around them.

Over on our Library boards (Library: Tools and skills workshops) we have articles on proper Validation (see 1.11 & 1.12).  For example, some common attempts to deal with their hurtful behaviors is to excuse them or minimize them.  That can be invalidating.  Address the behaviors as they are, in an age-appropriate way for the children. Let the child (now teen) describe how he feels, his observations and his conclusions of her parental behaviors.  Commend or reinforce (validate) his observations and conclusions that are correct.  Sometimes you'll have to point out the proper perspective or redirect his observations to more informed conclusions.  Of primary importance is that her poor behaviors reflect on her and not him.

[wirrimai]

She definitely isn't considering therapy or any type of meaningful change.  I am to blame for turning her son against her, so I am the one that is evil.  It hurts so much to see my SS struggling with this.  He has been alienated from all of his mother's people, including his little brother.  He has another sibling in our home but that will never make up for not having contact with the other sibling. 

For me this has been incredibly difficult as a step parent but also as a person who struggles with co-dependency and I am also an Empath.  I have been a sponge for all her negativity and somehow I have allowed myself to be held hostage by it all.  I grew up in a dysfunctional family and having her in my circle of people to deal with is emotionally exhausting.  I try to make sense of her thoughts, feelings and actions but I just can't, because it's an impossible task. For many years, I have obsessed about her every move in an effort to ease my own anxieties and in an attempt to try to fix her or the situations we found ourselves in with her.  She was this "beautiful disaster" that I just had to fix.  On the outside, she is quiet, very attractive and well put together, so people aren't aware of her issues. However, behind closed doors she is another kettle of fish.  I think that is what motivated my step son to begin documenting all the dysfunction, because it was just too unbelievable. 

As much as this post is about my SS and his struggle, it's also about me and my own struggle with emotionally detaching from her and all the drama.  I am working on my own issues surrounding co-dependency and have made great strides, but I still feel shame and embarrassment around the fact that I have let my husband's ex and her negative behavior, affect me in such a profound way.  It's all so weird.

[livednlearned]

Does SS know that his mom is BPD?

I agree with FD that the best response is to validate how SS feels. No use trying to make him better right now because unmourned needs have as much psychological and emotional impact as unmet needs. Validating his feelings will support him and make him feel less lonely.

It might also help him to know that his mom suffers from BPD, if he is ready to go there (your H would probably want to weigh in on this).

[ForeverDad]

Imagine SS14 in the basement, in the dark, blindfolded and tasked to practice boxing, swordsmanship or whatever.  Constantly swinging and hitting nothing. Impossible, frustrating, right?  That's what it was like for just about everyone here before we found out about these acting-out PDs, their patterns and practical strategies to deal with them.  For SS14, not knowing what he's been dealing with all these years can be terribly invalidating.  Maybe he knows about BPD, or maybe not, but still isn't clear why his mother does what she does.  Hasn't quite convinced himself that he's not a part of the problem.  Finding that her behavior patterns are recognized PD behaviors may be a relief for him, that going forward he knows some of the whys even if it doesn't fix the gulf between them.

[Panda39]

Hi wirrimai,

  Welcome 

I wanted to pop in and share a link regarding raising resilient kids, near the bottom you will find some book suggestions that might be helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

It's great that you are in SS14's corner and aware of how hard this may be for him... .you're tuned in and that can be really helpful. 

I agree with the others validate your SS14 feelings.  You can't control his mother, you can't make her be the mom you wish she'd be.  You can only control yourself and what you do in terms of supporting your SS14.

Both of my SO's daughter's after a lot of drama and chaos chose to vote with their feet and move in with their dad full-time too.  It's hard, there can be sadness, anger, guilt, but they made the choice that was the healthiest choice for themselves.  They now live in a stable household where their needs are being met and that is what you are doing for your SS14.  D21 has no contact with her mom by choice and D17 is low contact with her mom, phone calls & text messages with occasional coffees and lunches.  Their father and I support them making the choices that are right for them.

I would stop focusing on what mom is or isn't doing and work to create a happy healthy home for SS14 and yourselves.  She is going to do what she's going to do... .let her... .try and let go of your focus on her.

Panda39

[wirrimai]

Thank you all for the great feedback. As a person who struggles with codependency, it is challenging to focus on my own "stuff" and not on what mom is or isn't doing. The other problem is that as a step parent my authority is limited and I have to rely alot on my husband stepping up to the plate. He steps up to the plate alot but there are times when he checks out and doesn't want to do anything. In those situations, I struggle to stay in my lane.

Last night, we had to take away my step son's ipod because he broke the rules. My step son had a melt down and said that he wanted to go back to his mother's house. He cried for over 2 hours and wound up having a bit of a panic attack. It was overwhelming for us because we don't know what to do. He doesn't want to live with her but he says that he doesn't want to live with us either. I think that he misses the lackadaisical way in which his mother parented. There weren't many rules and as long as they stayed out of her way, she didn't yell or scream at them.

I am confused by all of that and there are times I want to just take him over there so that he can have the door slammed in his face and learn the hard way. However, I love him too much to let that happen. There has to be a better way.

[Panda39]

He steps up to the plate alot but there are times when he checks out and doesn't want to do anything. In those situations, I struggle to stay in my lane.

I used to get frustrated with this too, you can discuss, give ideas, support, and give your point of view, but he is going to do or not do what he's going to do.  My SO often seemed passive to me or overly rational (lots of explaining) and I just wanted him to say "No!".  However, my way wasn't always his way and other times I had energy and he didn't.  So have some patience with your husband 

Last night, we had to take away my step son's ipod because he broke the rules. My step son had a melt down and said that he wanted to go back to his mother's house. He cried for over 2 hours and wound up having a bit of a panic attack. It was overwhelming for us because we don't know what to do. He doesn't want to live with her but he says that he doesn't want to live with us either. I think that he misses the lackadaisical way in which his mother parented. There weren't many rules and as long as they stayed out of her way, she didn't yell or scream at them.

I am confused by all of that and there are times I want to just take him over there so that he can have the door slammed in his face and learn the hard way. However, I love him too much to let that happen. There has to be a better way.

Alot of the above sounds like some typical playing divorced parents off of each other stuff.  Frankly he is a child and you are the parents it is up to you (or the divorce judge that decided custody) where he lives, he can have an opinion but he as a child doesn't get to decide, IMHO you are taking what he says personally or  it makes you feel guilty.  He doesn't want to live with you in that moment because you took his Ipod away and he was mad about that.  You stood by your boundary around the rule he broke so he had a tantrum, I don't think any of this has anything to do with his mom.

You are probably right about lack of structure at mom's house, and that might have been easy for him in some ways.  But Children need consistency, structure, and boundaries you are providing that and he is learning to adjust.

Does SS14 ask about seeing his mom?  Is SS14 getting any therapy at all?  It might be helpful for him to negotiate the issues surrounding his mom.

In terms of what you could have done during the melt down, you could have just ignored and let him cry it out, you could have sat down with him and validated his feelings... .SS14 I know you are mad that we took your ipod away, but we have rules (for whatever reason... .to keep him safe, so he gets enough rest, gets his homework done), you know the rules so the ipod has been taken away.  Then you could ask him some questions... .What do you think you could have done differently so the ipod didn't get taken away?  How can we have a better plan next time? etc.

Info on Validating Kids... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272638.msg12585648#msg12585648

Panda39