Would I be a fool to walk away now or will I never be truly happy with her?

[smart_storm26]

Hello everyone,

Hope you all are doing great. I want to describe my current situation and hope you people can give me your suggestion/feedback.

I am currently married to a BPD woman whom I fell in love with when I first saw her. We dated for sometime and then got married. I was in sweet love land then as was probably many of you during your dating phase. But then things got worse and worse. Our married life was filled with conflict, arguments, verbal battles and lack of peace.

Bad things that she has done... .when she dysregulates she  becomes so mean and hurtful, says some of the most mean things anybody has ever said to me, breaks stuff in the house, verbally abuses me and has also physically abused me. She has physically hit me on like 5-6 occasions leaving scar marks on my body. And she can go into that mode for minor things. This was such a hellish time. I was given anxiety pills by my doctor (I used to consider myself a happy person and have never had to take anxiety pills in my life before). Our relationship hit rock bottom. Then when she physically assaulted me last time. it was then when I told her I need my space and want to live separately from her. I informed her that I am going to inform her family why I am getting separated and I need to be happy in my life again. I cannot live a life like this. I really felt life will be so much better without her presence.

That was when she came to me pleading and asking for forgiveness. She took responsibility for all her wrong actions and that she would correct herself and pleaded me to give her one last chance. She said she is never going to physically abuse me again. All this she has done in the past too after every devaluation. But now it has been 2 and half months, she has not tried to assault me and we have not had any big fights at all. Just a couple of flare ups for for which she only apologized and controlled herself. So in short words, I feel she is trying and has been behaving much much better last couple of months. Earlier we used have fights every 2-3 days. Right now I can also see her putting efforts. She is trying to control her impulses and rage. In fact I have asked her what's gonna happen if you assault me again in future. She said then you leave me. I have made that agreement with her. So I should be delighted that I see such positive change in her finally. But there's a feeling that's really bothering me.

The problem is that after taking so much of abuse and bad behavior from her all this time, I feel I have fallen out of love with her already. When I met her for the first time, I really loved her. She was the one who mattered to me. But now the only thing I see for her in my mind is disgust, anger and hatred for her. I hate her because she treated my like ___ in return for my love. I hate her for her shallow nature where she speaks out without thinking. I hate her for her misplaced rage. I hate her for all that physical abuse on me. I hate her that someone who was a happy man now has to take anxiety pills because of her. I just hate her plain and simple. In fact I feel hurt to say that these last couple of months I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop, she loses control and assaults me again and I will walk away as agreed. But it has not happened. Half a year before I would have been delighted that she finally saw what she was doing wrong. I guess I was still in love then. But now I kind of just want my relationship to end. I don't feel like trying anymore. I don't feel like its worth anymore. I feel I want to be alone.

What is hurting me now is when I ask myself isn't it unfair that now she is really trying, taking responsibilities for her wrong actions but I don't wanna be a partner in this? Thinking about her how will she take it? She is now doing everything right but the outcome is still the same. I leave. I feel guilty because of this. I wish I didn't feel this way but its true I am burned out completely. I feel I am permanently damaged somewhere and will never be able to love her like how I did before. Yesterday on Valentine's day I bought gifts for her. She loved them and kissed me for it. But I was just sitting there pretending to love her back. What should I do? Should I tell her that I am already out of love with her and I should not create untrue and unfair expectations in her mind when I really wish to be alone? What's making me feel guilty is yesterday something frustrating happened which would have frustrated me also but she kept her cool. It was impressing and surprising to me. But what do I do? Can my love for her be re-kindled or is she fighting a losing battle (I would hate to put her in that position). Will I be a fool to walk away now or perhaps I will never be truly happy with this person?

[BasementDweller]

Hi, Smart -

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, and that your situation got so bad before it began to improve. I can also understand when you say you feel like the love has died.

Nobody else can really tell you how to proceed from here, but I can share a similar experience with you, just as food for thought. I got to that point with my partner too. We were exactly as you described. Vicious fights almost every day, verbal abuse and cruelty from him, and even a few physical altercations. Not serious violence, but it was too much, and each time exacerbated by alcohol. The final straw was when he treated me horribly on my birthday. I was burnt out on him, and part of me hated him. I particularly hated the fact that I had been single for some time before meeting him, and I was ok with that, and living life on my own terms. I didn't want to date anybody because the last boyfriend I had was a wonderful man whom I loved deeply, and due to long distance, bad timing, and other "life factors" we did not work out. I was devastated, and did not want to be with anybody else. I needed a long time to heal.

My BPD bf finally coaxed me out of my shell, and really wanted to be with me. After a couple of months of casually hanging out with him, I finally let down my guard and let him into my life in a serious way. When his BPD got really bad I HATED him for finally being the one man that I opened my heart to after the loss of my very kind, calm, and reasonable ex - only to have him be an abusive jerk.

I was ready to throw in the towel as well, and I really felt as if I could not stomach another day with him. When that reality dawned on him, he too wanted to change and improve. We agreed to start EFT couples therapy, with the agreement that if after a few months of working on things, there was not significant improvement, and the love began to rekindle, we'd part ways knowing we tried.

The reasons I agreed to this were many.

1.) Deep down under all the hurt and disillusionment, I remembered that I did once love this man, and I asked myself how I would feel if my loved one abandoned me because I had a mental illness. While I might understand, I would want to be given a chance to improve and be loved again. I also am not one who gives up easily - on anything - until all options are exhausted. I'm kinda tenacious that way. ;-)

2.) Everyone he had ever loved had abandoned him. Because he's difficult as hell, and no other woman had the stomach for it. He was married for 12 years and had two children with a woman who left him for another man. She didn't talk to him about the marriage problems, or try to work on things, she just started having an affair, then left him, and married that guy. He says he understands why she fell out of love with him, and the only thing that still really bothers him, even a decade after their divorce is that she never even told him she was unhappy or tried to fix the marriage and keep their family together. I know her as well, and while I actually really like her as a person, his version of events is pretty correct. I can't be sure she NEVER said anything about being unhappy, but she never pressed the issue or tried to fix things. Their kids were very young when this happened as well. As much of an a-hole as he can be, that hurts my heart. I genuinely feel pain when I think about how that must have felt for him. I cannot in good conscience abandon anyone who is making a genuine effort. That's just me. Not everyone is required to adhere to that standard, but I'd want that chance too, so in principle, I give that chance to others.

3.) He has been faithful to me. Without question. I know that one of the hallmarks of BPD can be sexual promiscuity and impulsive sexual affairs, but that's one trait he doesn't have. I have never had any indication whatsoever of any behavior like that, even when he is acting horribly in other ways. That means something to me. A lot of people, even without mental illness cheat on their partners, and I'd WAY rather have a BPD lunatic who is faithful than a prince of man who is not. Again, also my own personal preference, but loyalty really does mean a lot to me, since it's such a rare trait.

The list can go on, but basically, I wanted to give it a real try, and see if this could be saved. We have only been in therapy for a little over two months but he has improved A LOT. And while I am still wary, and part of me is still wondering if this will all work out in the end... .now that my anger has faded, and my anxiety diminished... .the smoke is clearing, and I am realizing that yes, I do love him. The love was badly damaged, but it wasn't dead. And the fact that he has finally decided to "own" his illness and work on getting better means a lot to me. He has never done that until now. Not for anyone else. He just let them go, stubbornly refusing to admit he was part of the problem.

If I could make a suggestion it would be for you two to at least try counseling, but if she won't consent to it, then you go by yourself. The reason I say this is because if you are still suffering from anxiety, stress, and feelings of anger and hate, you perhaps aren't thinking clearly. Your judgement may be clouded by all these negative things you are feeling, so if you leave your relationship now - while she is actively improving, you are making a very important decision while under duress. It also stands to reason that if you still feel anger, then undeneath it - there's still some love. Someone we genuinely feel nothing for... .cannot provoke anger and anxiety in us. Because we don't care, and therefore they have no effect. I do believe you have been really damaged by all of this, and yes, it hurts like HELL when the one we love is cruel to us. It takes a rare combination of bravery, and well... .insanity to put up with any of it at all. ;-)

So I don't blame you for feeling a lot of doubt right now. But I would recommend getting your head in a clear, calm place where you don't need anxiety pills anymore, and have had a chance to really talk to a professional person with some good insight on these matters before you make that decision. Because you want to be sure it's a logic based decision, and not an emotional one.

We often regret the latter. ;-)

Does that make sense?

[smart_storm26]

Hi BasementDweller,

Thank you so much for your detailed reply and for telling me your story. Its sad to know that you too had to go through the same situation as me. It really takes a toll over us with the constant chaos, drama and abuse. Only a person who has stayed a BPD relationship knows how bad things can get.

Yes I have been hurt very very much and kind of feel I deserve none of this. I think of myself as a positive and good person who has achieved a lot in life, who loves to live life positively, be happy and help others be happy. Never thought I would get dragged down to such a dark world of meaningless chaos and negativity. Today I am a tired soul and someone who is unhappy with how his married life has turned out to be. These days I have thrown all those techniques like SET, Validation etc out of the window and adopted a zero tolerance policy to any form of ___ coming from her. No validation, just telling her on her face that she is acting inappropriately and I will not take it.

And I agree with you. I should think this out with a clear head. Right now my head is not clear. There's anxiety, pain, hatred, fear, doubt all scattered in it. I need to work on bringing myself to normal and sane mode first. As for her, she has also agreed for counselling. I have told her clearly that I am expecting she will take the counselling seriously and start DBT. I do not have any kids with her and I have made it clear to her that there wont be one unless her BPD is sorted out. I may sound like a little strict here but I am not left with any other option.

After reading your reply, I feel I should work on healing myself first. And then take my time and decide my future with her.

You and I have a few similarities in our way of thinking. Like you, Loyalty is a big thing to me too. I will not compromise there. Like your partner, my partner too has been loyal to me. Once a partner cheats, to me thats the end of the relationship, no second chances, no forgiving. But my partner has not done anything like that so far. Let's see where I go from here. And thank you so much again. I will keep posting here. Let me know how things go for you.

[Lucky Jim]

I feel guilty because of this. I wish I didn't feel this way but its true I am burned out completely. I feel I am permanently damaged somewhere and will never be able to love her like how I did before.

Hey smart storm, Why the guilt?  you're being true to your feelings, which is authentic.  Like you, I went through some hellish times with my BPDxW.  As you describe:

when she dysregulates she  becomes so mean and hurtful, says some of the most mean things anybody has ever said to me, breaks stuff in the house, verbally abuses me and has also physically abused me. She has physically hit me on like 5-6 occasions leaving scar marks on my body. And she can go into that mode for minor things.

I experienced virtually the same behavior from my Ex.  Abuse, physical or verbal, is unacceptable, in my view.  It took me a long time to get firm boundaries around this issue and to defend them.  Over a period of years, I fell out of love with my BPDxW and came to see her as unkind, unloving and abusive.  Her rage, of course, was a function of BPD, and I don't blame her for suffering from the disorder.  On the other hand, I learned that I was unable to live with her and couldn't handle being in her path of destruction.  I had to get out of the way.

In the meantime, I suggest that you practice disengagement and avoid getting dragged into the drama.  Try to stay above the fray, is my suggestion.

Keep us posted, my friend, and let us know how you are doing.

LuckyJim

[BasementDweller]

Hi, Smart -

Sorry for the delay in response. I haven't been on the boards much due to insanity at work. (A pleasant change from insanity at home!) :-)

I'm glad to hear you are going to take some time to sort out your feelings and your own mental well-being before making any major decisions. Now might be a good time to take a breather, focus on you, and see how things progress.

I understand the resentment that you feel knowing that you entered into this relationship with the best of intentions, and then things went really bad due to so many circumstances largely beyond your control. It kind of makes you feel like "Hey, I didn't sign on for this!" I think that's one of the biggest things that bother us nons the most... .we didn't expect this. At times I have to remind myself that my partner wBPD didn't either and he likely feels that I have exacerbated many of our disputes in the past by having very limited patience for his special brand of emotional expression. ;-) And he's right. We both stirred the pot in ways we weren't even aware of in the heat of a debate. That's one of the things we have been learning to address and work through with EFT - and it's really helping. I'm glad your wife is open to counseling. Hopefully something good will come of it.

How are you doing nowadays?

[pearlsw]

Hi smart_storm26,

I can relate to so much of what you are saying! Relationships can sometimes hit that "too little/too late" phase.

I can suggest though that if you want to fall back in love with her you can. You don't have to, but if you are going to be with her it is something to work on.

On the other hand, it is also totally fine to let this all go if that is your choice. No pressure either way. Just wanted to let you know that things can be rebuilt, sometimes. It is not easy. I have had all my love thrown back at me too. My "h" has literally done more crappy stuff towards me in any given week than all the other people I've met in my entire life combined. It is hard, very hard, to be with someone I even would a sentence such at that about. But, here I am.

I have rebuilt my feelings for him a few times and if we are going to be together I'll have to do that again. Right now I am just letting things be though. Not pushing myself in any direction. Just letting it be for now.

wishing you happiness, pearl.

[Juan Pablo]

So sorry you are going through this gut wrenching experience. I could almost verbatim respond like Lucky Jim.  I reached a point where I made a decision to exit based on what I knew versus what I felt. My heart still loves my uBPDw but logically thought through the entire situation and separated and went lc.  It took months and months of wrestling with the decision before I was okay with what my head told me. After I left she finally offered to go get help because I had wanted her to, which she had refused previously.  At that point I decided too little, too late. Also because she offered to go for me but not for herself.

The job in front of you is to decide what works for you. Lots of folks around here have decided to stay and to continue working on their relationship. Many have found improvement by learning and using the tools.

I am now in the middle of a divorce but I am happier then I have been in many years.

[Cat Familiar]

BPD is a spectrum disorder and some individuals may successfully be able to control their tendencies to have emotional expression outbursts towards their partners and some may not.

My first husband was BPD on steroids (physically and emotionally abusive, unfaithful, financially irresponsible--the works). When I finally had had enough, he offered to change, but I figured that offer was as worthless as all the promises he had made after he realized how abusive he had been at times.

When I did marriage counseling with my current husband--and that didn't help much, our psychologist later told me (when I began doing individual sessions with her) that he was abusive. I was sort of shocked. I knew he was being argumentative and nasty, but I was accustomed to much more severe abuse, so it didn't even register as that for me.

Now, after establishing boundaries and using tools here, he's not at all unkind to me any more. He can be crabby at times, but I don't take it personally.

It is possible to regain some of those initial feelings of love, but I don't think I'll ever truly "fall in love" with him the way I once did. I know too much about who he is and I'm not going to be duped again.