Just found out

[Florida Newbie]

Hi,
I feel kinda weird as I've never been in any type of group or chat online before so I don't really know how this works, but I know I need a support system from somewhere so I am going to try this.

I am a single mom with one child.  My almost 17 year old daughter has struggled for the last 6 years with anger and anxiety and depression type issues.  We did the Amen clinic brain scan and then went to a psychiatrist where we used to live, and he said she just had lots of areas in her brain that were hyperactive and he had her on a few different types of meds for about 3 and 1/2 years.  Until last year when 3 severe traumas happened in her life... .and I felt like a new switch was flipped.  There was almost no communicating with her at all.  She was exploding every day over everything said or done.  Her behavior got riskier and it seemed like her understanding and coping skills went out the door.  I read "The Explosive Child" trying those ways of working through things and they weren't even calming for her.

We found a therapist to help her specifically with one of the trauma's she went through and by May last year the therapist said I should put her in a RTC because she was so rebellious and she could tell my child didn't want to work on it.  Another therapist we used to find her told me she felt we could do this together if we got away from where all the trauma's happened and tried to start a new... .and found a family therapist.

So we did, and found a therapist who wanted her evaluated - so we did that and when we heard the results it basically just told us how she responds to life, events and things she could use to help her cope better.  My child felt all the things they said were spot on and our therapist put her in DBT group and ind counseling.  It's been 3 months and things seemed like they were either the same or even getting a bit worse.  When I told her I didn't know how to deal with my daughter and wondered if I am doing it all wrong as I felt like everything I say is twisted and there was only her blaming me for things and we can barely talk.  She told me to get the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and when I saw the rest of the title "Taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder" I was confused... .I called her back and asked if she was diagnosed with BPD and she said yes - that's what the evaluation found but they don't like to say it for sure until they are around 18, but that she is. 

Although the book has wonderful insight and ideas how to deal with someone in your life with this, I also feel devastated... .I cry a lot.  I think inside I just kept thinking she's really a difficult teen and struggling with rebelliousness but that she would kind of "snap" out of it in a couple years like all my friends say happened with their teen daughters.  I know now it's a bit different and I feel so alone. 
I already felt alone because I couldn't even tell many people what my child did because they assumed I was exaggerating - even my parents had a hard time understanding and felt I was just a "too strict" mom expecting too much from her - until we lived with them a few months and they saw how out of left field it was. 

I am writing and putting all this out there because I don't have people who know what it's like to live with someone behaving the way she does and being just the two of us, I feel so sad and alone when she's hating on me all the time. 
And I'm a little scared of the future - our therapist keeps saying hold on for the long haul because this is like turning around the titanic... .it can be done but it's hard and long work.  I will do whatever it takes to help her and preserve whatever kind of relationship we could have now and in the future, but it is so very hard... .

Any advice for right now? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Devastated Mom]

Hello Florida Newbie

I am also new here (about a month). I could have written almost every word you said. My daughter, who just turned 18 in December, was also diagnosed with BPD while I had her in DBT, starting in October. While it all makes sense now, reading more and more about the disorder, I am completely heartbroken. Just like your daughter, my daughter struggled with anxiety, behavioral and anger type issues for many years. We tried multiple different meds until her boyfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with her in September. Things seemed to spiral completely out of control after that, she lost all her friends and alienated herself from everyone. It was suggested to me to start her in DBT by a school therapist. We started in October. I only found out the diagnosis after asking for the payment statements to submit to my insurance company. When I saw the diagnosis, I questioned them and they said she did in fact have BPD. I was devastated. Unfortunately, I feel things only got worse after that. While I have been told here that things sometimes get worse before they get better, it has become progressively worse since then. She actually stopped going to DBT at the end of January. She has moved in with my Mom and has cut off all contact with me, blocked me from the cell phone that I pay for and all social media. She refused to go to her psychiatrist appointment yesterday. When I went over to try and talk to her about it, she really lashed out at me, saying the most horrible hurtful things possible. Every time I think it can't get worse, it does. I have tried all the validation techniques I learned here, but at this point, nothing seems to help.

Like you, I felt people thought I was exaggerating and felt my mother always thought I was just being unreasonable with her... .until now, that my daughter is living with her, she is seeing it first hand.

I am so sorry you are going through this as well. I wish I had a better outcome story for you, but I don't right now. However, this site is extremely helpful. Again, like you, I never posted anything anywhere before, until I was desperately searching for answers and found this site. Everyone here is very helpful and supportive and there is so much information on this site, more than any google search could provide. There are many helpful links over to the right side --> and many people here who completely understand what you are going through. That in itself has been so helpful for me, especially when I felt so alone because no one in my life could understand the extent of what I was dealing with.   

The only advice I can give is to keep reading here, keep posting for support and try to take care of yourself. We all understand, we all can relate to every story we read on here, because they are all so similar to our own. It is so helpful to see that we are not alone, while it doesn't take away the pain, It helps to be among others who truly do understand.

Please take care of yourself and arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible. We are all in this together.

Take care
`~ Devastated Mom