Good shot at winning?

[jenbren2006]

Hello All!  We have a custody battle on the 28th.  I feel like we are finally going to nail the BPD ex wife to the wall!  Here is some of what we have:

-called CPS on us again when the judge told her to knock it off-with parental alienated 14 year old son helping her
-the ex wife absolutely refuses to use the court ordered email system
-kids are missing 15-17 days of school each with the oldest (14) failing 3 classes (2 of the missed days were on my husbands time-the rest was her)  this figure just went up too because they missed more days this week for supposedly having "the flu"
-ex wife showing kids anti religious material on the internet and blocking them from progressing in their church they were raised in
-just today the ex wife got braces for their son without my husbands permission-he wasn't opposed to the braces but she just decided on her own to get them (it's ordered 50/50 decision making)

Please tell me with all of this that something will be done with this ridiculous 50/50 custody order!  It's been 3.5 years and we've never had all of this evidence.  In the past it's been just trying to prove parental alienation.  Now I feel like we have concrete examples of how he cannot co-parent with this monster!

[livednlearned]

Is your husband representing himself, or does he have a lawyer?

Does mom have a lawyer?

When she tries to communicate outside the email system, how does your H respond?

[Nope]

Sounds like you are pretty frustrated with the way things currently are. I can relate. My DH has primary physical custody now, but it was a long road.

You said it's been 3.5 years. Have they done 50/50 custody this whole time? Did they originally agree to 50/50, or was it court ordered?
 
It's been my experience that family court works hard to make sure nobody comes out feeling like they've won . That is something to be aware of. Change is often very slow and done by degrees.
The courts priority is each parent's behavior towards the kids over their behaviors towards each other.  That said, it's very hard to predict how things will go because it often comes down to how savvy a particular judge is.

[ForeverDad]

A few years ago when I sought custody and majority time, our child's lawyer (Guardian ad Litem or GAL) tried to do a minimal fix, that I get custody but time stay equal so that she could get child support (CS).  Well, she continued entitled and obstructive.  So after waiting to confirm the pattern it was back to court for another year and a half, this time seeking the majority time previously sought.  Like you, I also had a list of tardies and missed days at school.  The items on my time were minimal, I think two as I recall and she had over a dozen.  The magistrate included that observation in the decision that favored me.  (She also had a rage incident with the teachers that figured into it too.)  Evidently court (well, my court) gives more weight to school professionals' documentation than a parent's reports: It turned out that I got majority time but only during the school year.  Whatever, it meant CS to mother ended and finally the conflict reduced.  It has never gone away completely but her entitlement balloon did get deflated a bit.  We haven't been back to court since and only a couple years before our son ages out of the court system.

[jenbren2006]

You said it's been 3.5 years. Have they done 50/50 custody this whole time? Did they originally agree to 50/50, or was it court ordered?

Yes it has always been 50/50.  My husband has fought all these years for more time (three custody battles) plus had a guardian et liedem who also recommended that more time with their mother is harmful to his children) but nothing ever changes.  The biggest thing for me is she gets away with all of this and never gets consequences.  If she could get disciplined for some of her behaviors then they should stop.  Instead she is getting worse and trying to see how far she can push things.
 

[jenbren2006]

A few years ago when I sought custody and majority time, our child's lawyer (Guardian ad Litem or GAL) tried to do a minimal fix, that I get custody but time stay equal so that she could get child support (CS).  Well, she continued entitled and obstructive.  So after waiting to confirm the pattern it was back to court for another year and a half, this time seeking the majority time previously sought.  Like you, I also had a list of tardies and missed days at school.  The items on my time were minimal, I think two as I recall and she had over a dozen.  The magistrate included that observation in the decision that favored me.  (She also had a rage incident with the teachers that figured into it too.)  Evidently court (well, my court) gives more weight to school professionals' documentation than a parent's reports: It turned out that I got majority time but only during the school year.  Whatever, it meant CS to mother ended and finally the conflict reduced.  It has never gone away completely but her entitlement balloon did get deflated a bit.  We haven't been back to court since and only a couple years before our son ages out of the court system.

Two weeks ago our count was 17 and 15 days missed for two of the kids (with both of them getting D's and F's in some classes -ages 12 & 14).   This figure has gone up because she has held them home last week and yesterday from "the flu"-which she is going to plead to the judge this Wednesday.  What we believe is she is allowing those two to choose whenever they want to stay home.  With her illness she does not make them go.  Two of those days were on my husbands time the rest were the ex's.   Her excuse to the judge and what she has told us is that the kids don't want to stay home on their dads time because they hate it there! 
Your story has given me more hope that something might actually change this time.  I told my husband he needs to speak with all their teachers since custody is week on/week off and ask them to observe the childrens behaviors and appearance as well during the different weeks.  We are hoping that the teachers words will be more credible because she never seems to listen to us!

[ForeverDad]

He can try for majority time, never too much to seek, but even if denied then schoolwork might benefit if dad had time each week with the kids, here's a prior post below.

My lawyer was never comfortable with my ex having too long a time with our son.  Post divorce we started a 2-2-3 schedule where she had Mon-Tue overnights, I had Wed-Thu overnight and we alternated the weekends.  So he was never away from me for more than 5 days and it was equal time for each parent.  Years later when he was older I wanted the court to make our 50/50 time a 7-7 schedule where we each had a week on and a week off.  I reasoned our in-person exchanges were so high conflict that fewer exchanges would be better.  But my lawyer asked, ":)o you really want the court to think that you're comfortable with her having longer periods with your son (to disparage you, court's words)?"

[jenbren2006]

Its funny that you brought that up.  We were on a 2-2-3-3 schedule and the judge approved week on week off 50/50 .  So that is where we are now-big shock still not working her behavior and the children are getting worse.  My husband would never ask to cut their mother out of their life-that would be up to a judge.  He is simply asking for every other weekend with the ex or school breaks with the ex-since under her care the kids have missed so much school and are failing classes.

[ForeverDad]

A couple of the teachers at my school were pulled into our court when I was seeking majority.  Magistrate referred to her rages and actions as disparaging me, she wrote that a half dozen times!  Yet when it came to schedule change, it was the school aspect that got the change.  I got majority but only during the school year.  We are still at equal time during the summer break with the 2-2-3 schedule on paper.  That was four years ago, I doubt we'll be back, just two years to go.

[livednlearned]

Two weeks ago our count was 17 and 15 days missed for two of the kids

I believe in my state the allowable number of days to miss (counted as loss of instructional minutes) is 20 days out of 180. I think it's state law that a child must have the equivalent of 160 days "seat time" in order to pass to the next grade.

Your state probably has an equivalent law that might be useful to apply in your case.

[jenbren2006]

Thank you for posting that 160 day figure. I saw that on the Colorado website as well.

I calculated and if the children miss only 14 more days of school they will automatically be held back.  (They are currently at 19 days missed-even yesterday they missed again-two of those were my husbands time.) His oldest son-14- has already been held back once when he was little.  He's also failing 3 classes.  Can you imagine what that would do to him if he was held back again! 
The middle daughter-12-is always A's and B's she has a C- and a D in math and science.  Again can you imagine her emotional and mental state if she is held back and can't continue on with her friends.
When they are on my husbands time the children also refuse to do any of their makeup homework.  Their excuse is mom does not make them so they aren't going to do it! 

We are praying that the judge will view this as an emergency situation since they are missing so much school and time is of the essence to both fix their grades and make sure they are not held back.   We are asking for their mother to have every other weekend so their schooling would be less affected.  I truly feel like we have a great chance at changing this custody situation!  Can't wait for tomorrow!

[Swiggle]

I thought I read in your other post that when it is your husband's time the kids live his parent's because you live 1000 miles away. Could custody be changed so that the kids were living with you and your husband for more stability. Will a change to have more time during school for your husband, well his parent's make a difference if the kids are already not doing things when with them?

[jenbren2006]

It will make a difference because his parents will know that the judge is behind them and they can choose to discipline them appropriately right now the parents are afraid to discipline the kids because CPS and police has been called on my husband so many times (all unfounded).
This is also the reason they are not welcome to come and live with us because of the way they help their mom take us down with CPS and police.  Even if we have done nothing they make up stories on how I have threaten to hit them and how my husband has physically abused them-all not true.  I've never even hit my own child. 
Also if the judge would approve of the children moving here for the school year the ex wife would absolutely 100% move up here and all the drama will get worse again plus we would have to switch court systems.

[ForeverDad]

Well, what happens if the judge isn't inclined to have the kids live mostly with grandparents under father's time?  Certainly them moving to father's direct parenting is better than the current status, right?  That may need to be an option to be prepared to request should your current goal be declined by the court... .

[jenbren2006]

Update in the case.
 
After calculating missed hours last night with his son and daughter.  They can only miss 3 more days for the entire school year otherwise they will be under the 1,056 hours required by Colorado schools for attendance.

Our judge is insane and should be committed if she does not change the custody!  If nothing changes they will hit this and they will be held back!

[Swiggle]

I'm with ForeverDad, what happens if the judge doesn't think it is a good idea to live mostly with grandparents? Could you and dad move closer to the kids and have custody there for more stability?

So many here have stories of their children being spies, or making up false claims at the prompting of the BPD parent. It seems that some of the tools to combat those things is counseling, validation and more time with the stable parent. Could some of the issues the kids are feeling come from a place of thinking (true or not) that ":)ad lives far away and doesn't want us to live with him, but he would rather we live with grandma/grandpa instead of mom". It sounds like you wouldn't want to have custody because of the drama it could cause with mom, will the drama stop if the kids are living with grandparents?

Is the goal of this custody change only to try and alleviate the attendance issue with school this year?

[ForeverDad]

My rationale was that if dad did get majority time during the school year, or majority time for the entire year and ex followed the kids and the court case was moved as well, what would be different is that it would be with dad as the majority time parent.  Courts are very unwilling to make major changes to schedules without good cause.  Generally they want to put a year or two between major changes.

Yes, there are concerns that ex would surely make new allegations once she moved "to rescue the children", as she would certainly posture, but the new court would probably be unwilling to reverse a decision that was not made lightly by the prior state's court.  At least not quickly.

Seriously rethink the option for dad to parent than the grandparents.  It will better allow him to reconnect with the kids.

I wouldn't advise moving back to ex's location, her turf, unless you felt it was the right thing to do.

[jenbren2006]

So today was way worse than we could have ever anticipated. 

My husband was completely villainized today by the ex, the guardian et lietum (who has always been on his side in court) and the judge.

He was hardly able to get two words in.  He did tell the judge that his children have only 3 days left for missing school this year and then they will be under state law hours for attendance and the ex is causing them to miss school.  The judge could care less saying that he had to submit more paperwork and she couldn't rule on it until August!

We had so much evidence against her this time and we will never have this chance again.  It is over.  She is filing for full custody and the judge is going to grant this diagnosed mentally ill mother everything.   He has fought a long hard battle over these 3.5 years.  There is no way that he will ever get more than 50/50 and right now that is going to be taken away from him too. (all because we live in Washington and she is in Colorado) He can try a relocation motion but we know for a fact it will be rejected based on the fact that they have painted him as a dead beat dad who could care less about his children.

Once again the children become a product of a horrible broken system-their who lives depend on one person's opinion.

[soundofmusicgirl]

jenbren2006 i am so sorry to hear that. Most judges are overworked and have no time to read the evidence and therefore simply assume that they have the same old story in front of them. They don't understand that things are far more complicated and that you can't just "simply work things out with the other parent".

Our judge took away a minuscule thing last round in court. He said that he does not want to force the kids to skype with Dad for 30 min and that they get to decide how long they want to skype. My husband tried to argue that mom had interfered plenty of times and if it does not state that he gets a MINIMUM of 30 min skype time he will simply not be able to speak to his kids. Judge said he does not feel comfortable forcing a time frame on kids.
The result is that now the kids don't talk to him at all because they are busy "with other activities and don't want to talk".

[jenbren2006]

soundofmusicgirl:

That sounds so familiar-I am so sorry for your husband's situation.  We live in such a corrupt system when good fathers are just cast aside-there is no justice in this life!

If she gets full custody skype and phone is one of the only ways that he can communicate with them.  However in the past she has interferred horribly so it's not even worth it to try-we all just want peace at this point.  If he writes them letters they will never see them. 

At this point he is thinking that if she gets full custody (which is looking very likely) he will sign over his parental rights.  The reason being that he can't see his kids because everytime he disciplines them (yelling only) CPS gets called and investigates him.  If he is still in the picture she will continue to text, phone, and email him stalkingly (which we tried to stop yesterday in court but the judge won't even listen to it-she cared less that CPS was called again!).  If he signs over his rights than he can block all emails and phone calls from her.

There is another demon we are battling along with the ex.  He hired her himself ironically.  She was hired as a PRE for the children before trial and was hired for two years after.  We found that she always agreed with us which was good, however, she was acting as a sounding board to his ex and as his counselor and behaviors never changed.  So she was released but never left us alone with his ex and it's been all harrassment up until that point.  She bills us for his ex's rants even though we are not involved in the communication and has never once sent us an invoice so we paid her $800 and then stopped because we demanded an invoice to prove she was billing us unfairly.  We got her dismissed after two years.  She went to bat for my husband at two trials both times recommending that mom have every other weekend custody and the judge never listened to her. 
So yesterday we filed a no contact order against this demon woman and the judge told her that we need to pay even without an invoice!  Also reinstated her for another two years!  All this time she has always had my husbands back and yesterday she helped the ex destroy my husband in the eyes of the judge.  He is now the evil villain of our story. 

If he gives up his rights she can go away, however, if he remains even in the picture a little bit this court person will never go away all the while harrassing my husband along with his ex who he now court ordered to communicate with her even on her rants!  Plus we will continue to be charged thousands of dollars by this con artist.

Our situation has no solution and we are at the point where evil has won.  It's time to let go and hopefully with time we can all heal and the kids can have a healthy relationship with my husband when they are over 18.

[soundofmusicgirl]

  This is so unbelievable. I (and many other people on this forum) understand very well the pain that you are going through. I believe my husband is also at the crossroads of deciding how much he still wants to put forth his heart to his kids and have it stomped on and being abused again and again by his ex via the kids.
It is a very hard decision to make.

I do not understand the "justice system" at all.

[ForeverDad]

I'm a bit confused about this professional who has "had my husband's back" yet also fighting alongside the ex.  I must be misunderstanding something.  Do you mean she was originally helpful but is obstructive now?

If he writes them letters they will never see them.

Over the years I've come across an idea on how to deal with prolonged blocked contact.  Go ahead and send the letters... .but make copies for the kids later when they've grown.  That way they will get them, either now when written or later when they're grown.  At least they will then have some comfort knowing they weren't really abandoned, rejected or unloved as their blocking parent probably claimed.

Just in case they worry that they were faked and not really sent, get Certificate of Mailing receipts (or delivery confirmation?) at the post office for some of the more notable letters.  The letter gets delivered to the address but there is no alert or indication a proof of mailing was obtained as would occur with Certified Mail or other delivery fees requiring signatures.

[jenbren2006]

I'm a bit confused about this professional who has "had my husband's back" yet also fighting alongside the ex.  I must be misunderstanding something.  Do you mean she was originally helpful but is obstructive now?

She was originally hired by my husband as a PRE (parental advocate of the children) during his divorce proceedings.  After the past year we noticed that while she always agreed that the ex was at fault the ex was using her as a sounding board or counselor.  My husband was always involved in all of these texts and emails and he is sick of being harrassed.  She also told my husband at the beginning that she would charge based on who was causing the issue-big lie as the ex never pays her so we were getting charged for all the issues that she was causing.  We have filed motions for no contact orders against her.  The judge never even read them and now she has been rehired for two more years.  She now gets to harrass my husband along with his ex and charge us whatever she wants.  At this thing we had on Wednesday with the judge-this PRE lady has now decided to partner with the ex and make my husband look like a terrible father.  Impossible position to win so we are not fighting anymore.  She will get full custody and he will probably sign over his parental rights just so all the harrassment will stop!  We need peace in our lives and enough is enough.

[jenbren2006]

So I think we officially have our plan... .
Ex is filing an emergency motion to give her full custody due to the fact that we live 1000 miles away and we are not moving back-not sure if the judge will either grant it there or she will say it's not an emergency and will see it later this year
Once she is granted full custody-we have no doubt this will happen-at that point we try desparately to have the PRE dismissed (or not at that point it might not even matter because what can the ex run to the PRE for anyways if she has full custody and full decision making)
Apparently he is legally able to just disappear-no judge can force him to interact with his ex at this point.
We know there will be contact via mail such as child support and medical insurance changes.  She also will try to nail him on shool supplies, fees, activity fees, clothing, anything she can but at that point that is all she can do.
I've been speaking to my therapist alot at this point and we believe without my husband to target she will start to target her live in boyfriend.  Since she won't be getting any response from abusing and harrassing my husband.

[ForeverDad]

What would be the advantage to H signing away his parental rights?  No more court ordered expenses?  No child support?  Or just that he would be excluded from any and all conflict?  Does the lawyer agree such action would end his financial drain?

One issue to beware... .If ex is in full control of all expenditures and bills, H needs to make sure the court sets limits to costs.  For example, if she decides to move the kids to private schools (or later, private Ivy League colleges) then the max he should be forced to pay are the standard minimal costs of local, generic education.  He needs to protect himself from her choosing expensive education and sending him the high tuition bills.  (Of course, I'm assuming he's not independently wealthy.)

[Panda39]

Hi Jen,

I'm so sorry that things went down the way they did    I absolutely hear and understand how angry and frustrated you are.  Your husband just wants to be a dad and no one in the justice system is listening.  I'm so sorry that you and he feel pushed into the corner where he must stop parenting, this is so hard and so painful.

It's time to let go and hopefully with time we can all heal and the kids can have a healthy relationship with my husband when they are over 18.

I join you in your hope for reconciliation and that the kids reach out when they are older.

Panda39

[soundofmusicgirl]

Jenbren2006 I don't understand how she can file an emergency motion for full custody just because you live far away. We live overseas and I have never heard of that being a reason to file for full custody.

[ForeverDad]

I don't understand how she can file an emergency motion for full custody just because you live far away. We live overseas and I have never heard of that being a reason to file for full custody.

That sounds about right.  Odds are she won't get full custody unless dad doesn't object.  I often comment that courts are reluctant to grant a motion for full custody, one of their primary goals is to not disenfranchise (snub, discourage, block) one parent from feeling a parent.  Something very negative has to have occurred to support her motion.  (I did get full custody but it took me nearly 1.5 years including a lengthy Change of Circumstances motion.)  Yes, they allow a lot of supposedly lesser conflict, as long as it is below their perceived level of being 'actionable'.

I understand that visits with the kids have resulted in allegations.  Are these the long summer visits too?  One would hope that during the long visits that the children would transition away from mother's influence and indoctrination and have at least some solid time with dad.  Or are these allegations made after they return?

[jenbren2006]

I understand that visits with the kids have resulted in allegations.  Are these the long summer visits too?  One would hope that during the long visits that the children would transition away from mother's influence and indoctrination and have at least some solid time with dad.  Or are these allegations made after they return?

My husband only sees his children once every 3 months since the move.  Before we moved allegations were coming in almost on a weekly basis to the police.  He saw them over a week over new years this year and raised his voice one time at them.  He 14 year old son ran to his mother and claimed that my husband he slammed a door and a piece of the door broke off and hit his hand.  Completely fabricated and luckily it was unfounded this time.  But we are not risking him seeing his children anymore as we have our 11 year old daughter to raise here and we both need him in our lives.

[jenbren2006]

What would be the advantage to H signing away his parental rights?  No more court ordered expenses?  No child support?  Or just that he would be excluded from any and all conflict?  Does the lawyer agree such action would end his financial drain?

One issue to beware... .If ex is in full control of all expenditures and bills, H needs to make sure the court sets limits to costs.  For example, if she decides to move the kids to private schools (or later, private Ivy League colleges) then the max he should be forced to pay are the standard minimal costs of local, generic education.  He needs to protect himself from her choosing expensive education and sending him the high tuition bills.  (Of course, I'm assuming he's not independently wealthy.)

He will absolutely support his kids and continue to pay child support and medical insurance.  I do like your suggestion and the asking the court to limit costs because I could see her getting them unneccessary medical procedures and actively finding ways to make my husband pay her more money.  We are dealing with someone on Medicaid and section 8 housing who does not work and does not want to.