BPD cheated on me...Need advice

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My uBPD husband cheated on me. He has an affair/relationship with another woman (fathered a child with her).  I am heartbroken/shocked and feeling angry. I fought with him badly... .
Asked him why he did this to me... .the answer was "it was unintentional... .just wanted to help the lady... .never thought it will go on for so long... ." but I know that because of his BPD he is very impulsive and just cannot stop himself from flirting... .i know he just did it to satisfy his ego and does not have much interest in the female... .He has almost spoilt the life of the other female as well... .I do not understand how to handle the situation... .

Using other tools mentioned in the site the conflicts have reduced and day to day issues are managed in a much better way. But how to handle such a serious issue like cheating ?  I tried leaving him ... but he just does not let me go... .I am also not in  a position to leave and start a new life (have been with him for almost 15 years now). Any advice /suggestions will be of great help.

[AnonUK]

My uBPD husband cheated on me. He has an affair/relationship with another woman (fathered a child with her).  I am heartbroken/shocked and feeling angry. I fought with him badly... .
Asked him why he did this to me... .the answer was "it was unintentional... .just wanted to help the lady... .never thought it will go on for so long... ." but I know that because of his BPD he is very impulsive and just cannot stop himself from flirting... .i know he just did it to satisfy his ego and does not have much interest in the female... .He has almost spoilt the life of the other female as well... .I do not understand how to handle the situation... .

Using other tools mentioned in the site the conflicts have reduced and day to day issues are managed in a much better way. But how to handle such a serious issue like cheating ?  I tried leaving him ... but he just does not let me go... .I am also not in  a position to leave and start a new life (have been with him for almost 15 years now). Any advice /suggestions will be of great help.

[formflier]

  I tried leaving him ... but he just does not let me go

Can you elaborate on this more?  Some he said she said. 

Listen, we can certainly help you have more "productive" and less "conflictual" conversations with your pwBPD.  What we can't do is tell you what to do about the cheating.  That is beyond the scope of the guidelines for the board.

Basically that is a stay or go message for the relationship.


So... I have read that many couples can emerge stronger from an affair if each person works hard at it and works on improving themselves (vice blame shifting).

I have also read many stories where one or both parties blames the other (vice taking responsibility) and the relationship implodes.

So... I would encourage you to examine what he has said and done.  Is he taking responsibility?  Is he actually changing? 

Are his actions and words in this instance consistent with the other 15 years of your relationship.

Sorry you are in this position, we can help you work through this.     

FF

[AnonUK]

To give u some background 15 years of relationship means 10 years of long distance relationship and 4 years of marriage. Soon after marriage I discovered that he has some problems.  Accidentally discovered this site and after reading abt BPD I am convinced he is. He.himself sometimes admit that he has some problem and behaves like a.child.

Before marriage also he had always had lots of girl friends but evetything was limited to casual flirting. Nothing ever went beyond that. After marriage never even once did he ever had any girl friends. She is the first one after marriage.

Actually before this girl came I had started to figure out the effective way to communicate with him and he was improving a lot.  Rants ,anger smoking,alcohol all.was decreasing and in control. But this girl met him and that distracted him a lot. I knew abt this. I did.warned him . He tried to avoid her a couple of times. But this girl provoked him. She was just mesmerised with my husband.  And then things went out of hand. My husband completely lost control over himself. He regained his senses when she became pregnant. It was a shock for him as well. But it was.a matter of life so he supported her during this entire time till she gave birth to a child.  After this he came and himself told me about the entire episode.
(I myself was away for some medical treatment during this time)

When he told me he said "I never thought it will go that far. But once.she was pregnant I just did not want to dump her as she was in a bad state". In a way he showed some sensitivity and took the resposibility.

After hearing this I said you have broken the boundary and now I want to end this relationship. Lost control over myself and verbally abused him a.lot. But he listened to.all that ... .got furious a couple of times but still controlled himself. When I started leaving he was just begging me not to leave. Actually I am his only relative. He has broken up with his family  long back.

Apart from this episode, he has improved a.lot than before. I do not want to take any decision in my anger or haste and so I have stayed back.

The girl has a child now. I do not mind my husband supporting the child financially a bit , but I am not.able to tolerate the fact that he will keep me as a wife and still continue relationship with the other girl. I do not know what the other girls views are in this matter.

The situation is so complex and it hurts me a lot.Should I speak to the girl.and tell her abt his illnesss ?But I am not sure I trust the girl and if she tells my husband i fear the backlash.
 I am afraid he will ruin her life as well. She is much younger and not financially independent. At present she is with her family far away from our place. She has not told her parents abt the marital status of my husband. They think that he is single. I strongly believe this is due to my husbands brain washing her. I am not sure what I should do once or if she comes back.

My husband maintains that he is with me and will always be wih me no amtter what BUT has never once said that he will leave the girl. I thi k he will manipulate her , torture her so that she herself will leave him so that he is free and does not have the guilt that he dumped her... .if she goes.my husband will not stop her.


I don't know what to do. Do I just wait and watch and see what my husband does and then take a.decision. Should I warn the girl incase she is coming back ?
At present I have set a boundary that I.am ready to forgive and forget everything under the condition that he leaves her. My husband said "I ll do something"  but did not promise anything ... .

My husband is ill ... .has a bad temper... .paints me black always... .has a very impulsive behaviour... .isolated me from my family etc... .this site has been the biggest gift to me ... .after reading abt BPD I started following the suggestions and things were improving. My husband also internally knows that I have now learnt how to handle him and trusts me ... .so in a way we are very close and strong together... .
but apart from this episode he has been good to me. Never betrayed me. Earns quite a bit. Is financially sound. He is kind.of highly functional BPD.

[toomanydogs]

AnonUK,
 I am so sorry you're going through this. It sounds very painful.
 I echo what Formflier has written: No one on these boards can tell you how to respond to the cheating. Nor can a therapist. What we can do is listen, respond, point out what we're hearing, and support whatever choice you make. A good therapist will do the same--provide a safe place for you to determine your best course of action.
  I would like to point out that there are always ways to get out of a situation you find intolerable; however, only you can determine whether or not it's intolerable.
  Like I said, I'm so sorry you're going through this. My STBX cheated on me, and I know personally how painful that is. <3
TMD

[formflier]

 He tried to avoid her a couple of times. But this girl provoked him. She was just mesmerised with my husband.  And then things went out of hand. My husband completely lost control over himself. He regained his senses when she became pregnant. It was a shock for him as well. But it was.a matter of life so he supported her during this entire time till she gave birth to a child.  After this he came and himself told me about the entire episode.
 
  I do not want to take any decision in my anger or haste and so I have stayed back.
 

   

This is quite a situation to be in.  I highlighted the most important thing.  In my life I like to say "wind the clock" .  It's not a call for "inaction" but it is a call to use the benefit of time to clarify things.  I've found in my own life and in the lives of others that "trying to push things" faster than normal, usually has a bad result.

There does need to be balance so that it doesn't go to inaction.  We can help you be wise about this.

OK

Then look at the paragraph that you wrote about his actions.  Please don't view this as something "that happened to your husband" or that he was a "victim" that got carried away.

If you are looking at it that way, then it's very likely he is as well.  I can't imagine any long term success for either of you, if you don't view this as a decision he made, one which he needs to own and reconcile the relationship and hopefully someday you can find forgiveness and he can forgive himself.

This will be a long process.

Further complicating this is a "permanent" relationship with the other woman.  He has a child with her now.  

Do you share any children with him?

At best... .again I say at best... .this will be complicated for a long time.

So... .this will take a while to work through on bpdfamily too.  Complicated stories are like that.

So far... .has my summation been accurate?  I should probably stop here before I get too far ahead of myself and the actual story.

Thoughts so far?

FF

[AnonUK]

FF,

I agree with you. He is not a victim and I do not myself consider him to be one. I just mentioned the fact. Initially he did try to avoid her a couple of times but then later got lost. He knows that woman are his weak point and most of the times he avoids them but computer is full of porn. Once he was recruiting some graduates for his own company and in the advertisement he had specifically mentioned "only male candidates apply".
But he did what he did and I completely agree  that he has to take responsibility of this.

I also agree that  this is a very complicated situation . So complicated that I just cannot think straight and take any firm decision. Sometimes I feel irrespective of what I decide I am the one who is going to be hurt the most and its just a matter of deciding which decision will hurt less.

I currently do not share a child with him but I am in the middle of the infertility treatment and just can become pregnant anytime soon (in the middle of ivf cycle) He wants it and is supporting me a lot on this. That makes the situation even more complex.

In the past one month he is really making an effort to take care of me. But I am absolutely not sure abt his current equation with the girl. He supported her till the child was born but since then have maintained  distance and now she is away with her parents.

Should I leave him just now or just wait and see if he sorts out the issue with the girl ?

Should I continue with my treatment or stop it ?  I am not very young and this might be my last chance to become a mother. I can't wait /postpone this decision.

We do share a good reltionship otherwise. He did say that if I leave him he will not be able to live. I know  he will chase me where ever I go.

[formflier]

We do share a good reltionship otherwise. He did say that if I leave him he will not be able to live. I know  he will chase me where ever I go.

Do you want an open relationship  (open marriage) with your husband?  Is that core value that you "want"?

Do you want a husband that sometimes has affairs and children with other women?  Is that aligned with your core values?

When you consider your future with a child, what kind of values do you want to raise your child with?

Again... BPD family doesn't allow us to give "run messages".  That's for you to decide... for you to own, because those decisions affect your life so much.

Please look for a minute at what you wrote and what I highlighted.  Do you really... .really have a good relationship otherwise.  Is it other than this affair... .or "other than his issues with women"? 

If so... .is he "owning" the affair?  What is HE DOING to reconcile the relationship and change?

Final thought:  Yes... .I imagine any choice you make will have hurt involved.  I'm really sorry you are in this position.     

FF

[Margot Az]

Perhaps I can add a few words. I utterly agree with Formflier: time is important. Nevertheless, it's also important that you don't spend the energy you have fighting against obscurity. There is no power to be found in it. We desperately seek for trust, for a firm response from our partner in this situation. Unfortunately, you are the only one you can trust in this distressing context involving three persons. I have been throught what you described with the same type of man. I am not you but I undertsand how it hurts. It seems to me, still, that you can make things less painful on a long term, by remaining committed to yourself first. Your husband is risponsable, true. However he doesn't see anything else than his own perspectives, according to what he answers to you. This is not because he doesn't give any worth to anything (I am not making any value judgment); he merely acts through his own emotional turmoil. It's important to wait, for calmness, but not for a radical answer from him. 
I wish you to find some peace right now
Margot az

[AnonUK]

Thanks a lot FF and Margot az. Talking to you made.me think more clearly and get some control over my nerves.
I understand that no one else can take this decision on my behalf. Its me who have to stand up and sort this out.

I agree that expecting a firm answer from him is not possible. If possible I need your thoughts on if it will be any good talking to the girl ? She has no clue abt his illness as they have not stayed together. She is just beginning to realise that all is not rosy.  Since she is now unluckily a part of this situation just want her to be aware of the whole picture. Or is this my motherly instinct that is trying to solve problems of my spouse ? Is that enabling him ?

Regarding FF question abt what he is doing to reconcile ... . we have recently bought a new house. That house is transfered on my name. He is helping me with setting up the new house.  Rages have reduced... .tries to control his temper a lot.  Has reduced  watching porn (i can't say stopped because i am not with him always) ... .BUT ... .have not yet given a firm answer regarding this woman. He says " I myself don't know what to do. I did it as a time pass and she readily gave in... .I never thought it will go this far. "

I really do not know whether to laugh or cry at this sentence.

[formflier]

I'm really sorry you are in this situation.     

Some more things to clarify.

For reconciliation.

Are you or have you been in T?  Same question for him.

What does buying you a house have to do with impregnating another woman?  Does he present the house thing to you as part of reconciliation?   Is he paying the mortgage or did he buy it so it is yours free and clear? 

Same questions for "setting up the house".  I am assuming you are talking about buying furniture.  Can you clarify this?

What specifically did he do/did you do to help reduce the rages?


Has he gotten an internet filter?  Do you control it?  Who is helping him/guiding him with this?


OK... regarding the last sentence and some things he has said.  There are times when you need to "take people at their word" and "believe them".  As in... .believe that is really how they think without giving them a "pass" that they are confused or whatever.

Sure... he may have BPD and or other things and yes that may explain "why" he thinks and does things... .but he still thinks and does things that way.

So... he wanted to "pass the time" so he impregnated another woman.  He sort of further seems shocked that it happened... sort of blames in on her (as if she shouldn't have given in).

And... he is saying these things to his current partner, who he is doing fertility treatment with.

The insensitivity... the boldness... .the (I really am at a loss for words)

Please take some alone time and think about your future and the future of a potential child.  Your child.  What kind of father does that child need and deserve?  What kind of husband do you need and deserve?

Does you current situation fit what you come up with?

Then, once that is straight in your values, I would encourage you to organize your life to chase those goals.


FF

[Margot Az]

AnonUK,
Trying to answer your question concerning the girl's awareness: How perspicacious you will be at giving her the whole picture, she probably won't have the same  as yours. At most, she might see your approach as a "motherly" attempt. This is considering what role you want to endorse. We can barely understand what's going on in our partner's mind. How can we give other a clue about their acts? She will have to build her own perception and comprehension of the situation. It's your husband's responsability to tell her what he has to signify her, when ever he does it or not. The disease's reason does'nt erase an act nor facts and it should certainly not impede a person from his or her abilities and eventually from his/her responsabilities. It could be improper kind of guardianship. I learned that with my own partner: I don't have to guarantee or excuse his acts. I have a question: did your husband recognized  officially the baby's father after the registering? It sounds a little pragmatic but it seems to be a basic  factual information to me, even if he doesn't know what to do. This has effects on a child's rights and, by extensions, further implications in the frame you will define together to conciliate every one's wills.
The previous posts rise very pertinent questions.
 Care about you.

[Margot Az]

Hello AnonUK,
Trying to answer to your question concerning the girl's awareness, as you asked abot this twice: How much perspicacious you will be at giving her the whole picture, she very probably won't have the same  as yours. At most, she might see your approach as a "motherly" attempt. This is considering what role you want to endorse (?). We can barely understand what's going on in our partner's mind. How can we give others a clue about their acts? She will have to build her own perception and comprehension of the situation. It's your husband's responsability to tell her what he has to signify her, when ever he does it or not. The disease's reason does'nt erase an act nor facts and it should certainly not impede a person from his or her abilities and eventually from his/her responsabilities. It could be an improper kind of guardianship. I learned that with my own partner: I don't have to guarantee or excuse his acts.
I have a question: did your husband recognized  officially the baby's father after the registering? It sounds a little pragmatic but it seems to be a basic  factual information to me, even if he doesn't know what to do. This has effects on a child's rights and, by extensions, further implications in the frame you will define together to conciliate every one's wills.
The previous post here is pertinent. One buying another's acceptance doesn't seem the wise thing to do. 
Care about you.

[AnonUK]

Yes, he is the offficial father.

Regarding FF question abt house. Its free no mortgage. I know he had worked hard to get that house... .and giving it to me is his way of saying that he cares for me .
Rages have reduced because I worked hard on improving my communication skills... .not being invalidating... .by not JADEing and all that mentioned on the site and the advice given on the message board. His contribution is his control over himself has increased... .physical abuse is almost nil now and rages occur once.in 15 days and he gets it over very soon. Silent treatment has almost stopped.
Since I am in a very pensive mood nowadays any time I do not speak to him he senses it and talks to me , takes me out etc... .After lot of efforts he had now started to exercise and goes on long walks. All the hardwork has gone down the drain and just as I thought that I saw a ray of hope... .dark clouds gathered and it started pouring heavily... .washing away everything... .

He is a highly functional BPD... .is very good in his work... .he can't just sit idle... .is very good at his work and at present earning good... .but he has to understand that money can't buy everything... .
He HAS to make a decision soon and I know he is not going to give a firm answer atleast for now and So I am preparing myself for the inevitable.

[formflier]

Have you or he done any individual therapy?

Have you or head done any "couples therapy" or marriage counseling?

Has anyone been guiding him through this process where he is showing you how much he cares about you?

Has he said "What I did was wrong, I am working to correct my mistake." (or something to that effect)


Sorry... .I'm kinda taking an inventory here to make sure we give you best advice and guidance possible.

It's obvious there have been some changes (and that is good), I'm trying to better understand the extent of those changes.

FF