Her birthday is coming...what do I do

[Sadnhurt]

I haven't been here long, this is only my second post, mostly because its too difficult to write about and keep reliving my pain so I can't write unless I need help.  My daughter who has never been diagnosed but has many traits of BPD will turn 28 in May.  We have not spoken since September, she stopped all communication with me at that time.  She speaks only to my mother and sister.

I don't know what to do about her birthday... .do I simply send her an email, do I send her a card with money, or do I do nothing because it will antagonize upset her?  But if I do nothing, she will continue down the road of thinking that I don't care.  She lives in a different part of the country so if I was to send her a card, I would have to send it at least 4 weeks in advance in order to get to her in time.  I am so torn about this and cannot speak to my mother about it because she will go straight to my daughter about it.  It has always been a triangle between the three of us until I put a stop to it several years ago.  But I would have to ask her for my daughter's address because when my daughter moved, she never gave me her phone number or her address.  My only way to contact her is by email.

Not a day goes by that I don't want to send her an email just to say I love her and miss her; but I don't because I know she would respond with an 8 page email about how I don't love her and I'm not proud of her etc etc etc.

I miss her but I do not miss the yelling, fighting, anxiety and having to walk on eggshells when she was around... .but she's my daughter and I miss her so much.

What do I do?
Sadnhurt

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

I'm sorry that you mother is enabling the drama.  That must hurt... .

Despite the drama,  I'd do the right thing.  Ask your mom for her address.  She may tell your daughter.  That's on her.  If she doesn't give it,  then send the email anyway,  perfunctory and short. Just well wishes,  nothing more,  as to not provide targets.  If you get an 8 page response,  so be it.  You did the right thing to reach out and her response is on her.  She owns that. 

[wendydarling]

Hello again SadnHurt 

I'd also do the right thing, as Turkish suggests.

I'm sorry this is so painful for you, we are always here for you,  we are listening anytime you feel up for a chat. 

WDxx

[frustratedmum]

I am so sorry you are going through this. If it will upset your daughter for you to ask your mom for her mailing address, I would send a gift card via email with money to Amazon or some online store like that. You don't need the extra drama. I hope whatever you decide to do works out for the best! 

[Whototurnto?]

Hello Sadnhurt

I agree with the posts here as well. Our DD who is 25 has cut us out of her life, doesn't respond to cards or sends any, but we still send a card. She can either chuck it in the bin or open it but she can never say we didn't send her a birthday card. That's how we look at it.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.