Pros and cons list, push the button? When, how?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone.

In a rare opportunity this week, I have almost the perfect conditions for fleeing and filing for divorce... .quickly. As in, clean the house out and go. I think I’ve decided. But, I wanted to check in here. Please, weigh in if you’ve been here and have thoughts.  Here goes:

Pros and cons list: uh oh... I’m sorry, have to finish this later!

Dig.

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi everyone.

In a rare opportunity this week, I have almost the perfect conditions for fleeing and filing for divorce... .quickly. As in, clean the house out and go. I think I’ve decided. But, I wanted to check in here. Please, weigh in if you’ve been here and have thoughts.  Here goes:

Pros and cons list: uh oh... I’m sorry, have to finish this later!

Dig.

[ArleighBurke]

You don't need a pros and cons list - that's logic brain.

Your heart will know. Trust it.

[ArleighBurke]

From reading your old posts:
- Your therapist has told you to go
- You've worried for your life enough to record all your conversations
- You've made plans to go

It is a big decision. But trust yourself.

[Dignity&Strength]

Yes! Thank you, Arleigh.

I have decided to go. It is now a matter of the timing and logistics. And... .going through the emotional process of accepting it. Timing issues include the following

Money: he had his bonus check, $7,000 at least, secretly routed to another account. When I confronted him, he gave a few excuses... .my spending, his wanting to save and pay off my van, and that I’d “find projects to spend it on” if I knew. He may be planning on filing and using that to leave first, or he may pay off the van. I haven’t worked in 9 years. I can’t make the van payments. This would be good... .if he actually pays it off. The remainder is about $8k.

The tax return... .it’s joint. It’s a lot back. I may be able to gain access to half if I wait until it comes in. He hasn’t filed yet. Hm, that I know of... .I’ll bet there’s a chance he did that too, only did married filing separate  year. Wow. Maybe. I’ll look into it.

Timing of being in one state versus another. In this state, I am a 3 day drive from my parents, home state, and a roof over my head that is my childhood home. Doing that, with a smal child... .sticky.

And more... .I will have to write more again later.

Dig.

[ForeverDad]

One thing we all had to face... .there is no "perfect time" to wait for when deciding to leave an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship.  However, there we can sometimes choose "less bad" times to act and those are much better than last minute emergencies that could have us surprised and rushing.

Don't Blame yourself for being the one to act.  First, you need to protect yourself and your children.  Second, as you have already been wondering and suspecting, for all you know he has already done things to put you at a disadvantage.

If he files Married, Filing Separately then he won't be able to claim you as a Spouse (an additional Dependent) which means he might owe more income tax.  That happened to me when I was in the divorce process.  We were technically still married, she had virtually no income and she refused to sign.  Either I would pay higher taxes without her signature or get less as a refund with her signature.  Her lawyer saw she had Leverage and convinced her to sign by promising her half my refund.  The refund was composed solely of my withholding but she got a chunk because otherwise I would have had to remit more money in a tax check.